


I'm With You

by chrisfaithalin



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: AU New Moon, Book: New Moon, Edward isn't the the greatest guy, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jasper learns control, Non-Canon Relationship, Self-Harm, friendship to romance, learning to love again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 03:12:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 106,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1288954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisfaithalin/pseuds/chrisfaithalin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Alice and Edward do not make it out of Volterra alive in New Moon, Jasper and Bella connect over their shared grief. Together the Cullen family try to move forward and to try to find peace. Jasper/Bella, the rest canon pairings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ghost of You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few years ago and it is posted on ff.net, but I'm trying to transfer most of my stories over here. 
> 
> While writing this, my dad actually passed away and this became one of my outlets for what I was going through. I wanted to write about grief and be as honest as I could be about the pain, sadness, and anger that can come with grief, while still being hopeful for the future. I put a song with each chapter that helped guide my writing. Sometimes when I was suffering severe writers block, I would listen to that song and it would help bring me back to the emotions I was trying to convey. This story is complete and I will be posting it all over the next couple of days. It will just take a few days to modify the styling to fit with Ao3. Basically I need to go through and adjusts the paragraphs so there isn't those big gaping paragraph breaks. All feedback is greatly appreciated, even though this story is a couple of years old.

_At the end of the world_

_Or the last thing I see_

_You are never coming home_

_Could I? Should I?_

_And all the things that you never ever told me_

_And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me_

-Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance

**Chapter One**

"We're not going to make it" Alice muttered under her breath, not quiet enough for me to miss the words.

"What? But, I thought..." I rambled, shaking my head in panic.

Alice shushed me quickly, trying to focus on the source of the change in her vision while still navigating the congested streets of Volterra. She gasped. "Demetri is going to go for a last minute walk around the perimeter of the square. Edward is going to see him and step forward a few minutes before noon, forced to play his hand early."

I tried to think clearly, but a sob escaped me without my permission. "There has to be something."

Alice squinted, forcing herself to be thorough with the vision. "There is a small chance if I go to him I might be able to convince the Volturi to let us go. It all depends on their mood honestly. The chance is small that we will make it out alive, but there is that thread of possibility."

"We have to take it," I exclaimed reflexively.

Alice glanced over at me, alarmed, as she pulled into another side street. "No, you're not coming with. If you come, for sure we are doomed."

"But I have to. I can't just sit by and wait for you to come back," I insisted.

Finally, Alice pulled the car over, knowing she was as close as she could get to Edward. She sighed and quickly turned towards me and within a second she had my seatbelt tied in a fashion that restrained me. I started to yell, but Alice ignored me as she pulled out her cell phone, dialing with lighting speed. She spoke quickly into the phone, her voice an indistinguishable blur. She hung up and then turned to me one last time. "I love you. This is for your own good. Carlisle is on his way to come get you if we don't make it out. Please, tell Jasper that I love him and I am so sorry. Tell him that he has to move on and continue with his life."

I stopped fighting the restraints; instead I slumped forward, crying. I did nod though. "I will tell him that. I promise."

Alice got a blank look for a split second as if she saw a new future open up before her. She gave a grim smile. "It will work out in the end. I can see it." With that Alice leapt out of the car and headed down an alley to try to head off Demetri.

My eyes locked on Alice's fading form, afraid it would be the last time I would see my best friend. I continued to cry uncontrollably, not able to do anything else as I prayed for their return. However, as the day folded into twilight and made its final transformation to night, I knew that they were not coming back for me. I was alone.

* * *

"Bella? Bella?" A voice silently murmured, pushing my hair from my face gently. "Honey?"

I cracked my eyes, and then jolted up when I saw the pale figure crouched next to me. A whisper of a breeze fell across my face, giving me fresh air to breath instead of the stale air of the car. "Carlisle? Why are you here?"

The sadness written on Carlisle's features stood in stark contrast to his normally soft face. I knew that his expression would stay with me to my dying day. Carlisle had always been a source of comfort for all us and a stabilizing force in what would normally be an unwieldy environment. But in that moment, Carlisle lost all of his composure and pure anguish etched itself along Carlisle's smooth features. That's when it all hit me anew. They were gone. The two people I was closest to, they were gone forever. Carlisle being here was proof that they would never come back to me.

I leaned forward, sobbing uncontrollably, gasping in air violently. My world shifted in that moment and a large piece of my heart disintegrated into nothing, leaving a black void in its stead. Carlisle reached forward and scooped me out of the seat, holding me in his arms tightly. I would have buried my face in his chest, but I was caught by the sight of the rest of the Cullens standing around me, the same sadness in everyone's eyes, well the same except for one pair.

I locked eyes with Jasper, and I remembered Alice's last request. Jasper was standing less than a foot away and because of Carlisle's height, his face was only a few inches above mine. I guessed that looking at him was the closest thing to looking at a mirror, maybe not his physical features, but I knew the emptiness of his eyes matched my own. I focused on my breathing, trying to gain control for a few precious seconds. It took a minute, but I was successful.

"She wanted me to tell you that she loved you and that she was sorry...and that you should continue to live your life...for her sake." At the last words I reached up and touched Jasper's cheek. In that moment there was a connection between us and I cringed as I felt Jasper's grief flood my system. It was staggering. Jasper gasped, grabbing my hand, while I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to shut out the emotions.

"Jasper, please," Esme begged softly, her voice tortured.

All of sudden I felt calming waves through me, although they did nothing to alleviate the pain; I didn't know if there was any power that was strong enough to succeed at doing that. Instead, I felt consciousness slip from my grasp and I drifted off into dreamless sleep.

* * *

"Bella, you need to wake up."

I opened my eyes slowly, shifting in my seat slightly to look at my surroundings. It took me a second to understand that we were now on an airplane. I was sitting in a window seat, encased in two or three blankets. My body was leaning on something, with a firm arm wrapped around my shoulder. "How?" My voice cracked as I tried to speak.

"Nice thing about traveling with a doctor."

I looked over at Carlisle, who was holding me next to him. "I wouldn't have woken you but they are going to be handing out food soon and you really need to eat."

I was about to speak, but my breath caught in my throat, and it soon became hard to breath. I was hyperventilating. Carlisle looked distressed, but stayed calm. "Please Bella, you need to relax. Take a deep breath." I knew I needed to listen to Carlisle but I could not get my body to obey. "Jasper?"

Soon a figure was crouched in the aisle, leaning over Carlisle to take my hand. "Breathe, Bella. Breathe."

My body slowly relaxed, and I fell into an almost numb state. I felt like all of my emotions were cut off from me. "Do you want me to keep you like this so you can eat?" Jasper asked softly, but his eyes were blank.

I nodded slowly. Jasper stood up to go back to his seat. "Jasper?" I asked unsure. Jasper paused, and gave me his full attention. I didn't know if I would have the chance to say anything to him again. Who knew if he would run off once we landed. For that matter the whole family may just abandon me again. "I..." I hesitated, but decided I needed to say it. "I'm sorry Jasper. I'm so sorry."

Something flickered in Jasper's eyes briefly, and I felt a quick jolt of despair run through my body, but he quickly regained control.

He didn't say anything at first, probably considering my words. In a rough voice he responded, "thank you, Bella." He smiled weakly at me and sat back down in his seat.

Carlisle continued his hold on me, as the stewardess slowly made her way down the aisle, passing out trays of food to the other passengers. Carlisle took a tray from the stewardess, thanking her. He set down the tray in front of me. I sniffed at it, curiously. I really wasn't hungry, but I didn't think that Carlisle would accept that answer. I felt weak, and thought maybe that had something to do with the lack of food in the last 24 hours. It probably was for the best that I eat something.

"You don't have to eat everything." Carlisle commented, as if reading my mind. "But it would really make me feel better if you drank the juice and at least attempted to eat the roll and some of the vegetables."

I nodded slowly, staring at the food for a minute, before picking up a fork and stabbing a green bean. I slowly drew the fork towards my mouth and hesitantly took a bite. When my body did not reject the food, I popped the rest of it in her mouth. I continued like this for a few minutes, slowly polishing off the vegetables and making a small dent in the bread. I drank the juice like Carlisle instructed, but that was all I could do. Although my body was not rejecting the food, it did not feel comfortable to be eating.

"That's good Bella, thank you." Carlisle took the tray from my seat and set it on top of his own uneaten tray of food.

I leaned back into my seat and sighed heavily.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carlisle asked kindly.

I just shook her head.

"Okay. Do you want to go back to sleep?"

I waited for a minute, unsure. I wasn't tired and I didn't necessarily feel like sleeping, knowing it wouldn't help anything in the long run. However, there was no reason not to sleep. There was nothing left for me to live for. Alice was gone. Edward was gone. Nothing else mattered.

"Yes, I want to go to sleep."

Carlisle wrapped his arm back around me and pulled me towards him. He didn't have to say anything. Jasper must have heard our conversation from his seat behind us because my lids started to feel heavy and I slowly escaped the unfriendly world of reality.

* * *

The rest of the trip was uneventful. From the airport we drove separate cars that we had stored in Seattle. Carlisle, Esme, Bella, and I were in one vehicle, while Emmett and Rosalie took another car. We drove back to Forks in record time, ignoring all speed limits. We went directly to our house, which was still packed up. Emmett reached Bella's side of the car first and carried her still sleeping form into the house, the rest of us immediately following him. Emmett paused in the foyer, unsure of where to put her.

"Put her in my room," I spoke softly, choking on the word 'my'. It used to be our room, now it was just mine.

"Are you sure?" Esme asked tenderly.

"Yes, I won't be using the room very much unlike yours and it would just be cruel to put her in Edward's room."

"Only if you are sure. We can figure something else if you want," Carlisle assured.

I shrugged. "It's fine, really." No it's not, my mind screamed, but there was no Edward to call me out on my lie.

Emmett didn't wait any longer to speed up the stairs and deposit Bella in my room. He ran back down to join the rest of the family. They were all sitting around the dining room table that was usually used for family meetings of some sort. Carlisle was sitting at the head of the table with Esme right by him. Rosalie was sitting across from her. I was standing in the corner, leaning against the wall with my arms across my chest. Emmett went to stand behind Rosalie, and he put his hands comfortingly on her shoulders. She responded by placing one of her hands on his, squeezing it quickly. The sight of these two complete pairs made my insides ache.

Nobody said anything at first. We all just let the silence fill the room, everybody noticing how empty the room felt without Edward and Alice. Our family size took a major hit, and it was hard to believe that this was now all we had. Alice and Edward were not going to walk into the house suddenly. They were never going to come home.

Esme let out a quiet tearless sob and Carlisle reached out to put his hand on top of hers. "I guess I wanted us to talk about what we wanted to do. I personally am not going to abandon Bella. I'm not going to require you all to stay here with me, but I want to know what you want to do. I want to know what you need. Anything I can provide I will."

Esme sighed, "Of course I am going to stay here with you to be with Bella. I don't want to leave her now."

Emmett and Rosalie looked at each other, as if having a silent conversation. Surprisingly Rosalie was the one that spoke. "I want to stay with the family right now." She kept her eyes on Emmett.

"I agree. I don't want to go anywhere. I think Bella will need all of us." Emmett glanced at me with meaning.

Everybody turned to look at me, waiting for my decision. My throat felt thick as I tried to respond to their questioning stares. "I don't have an answer. I honestly don't know."

"Fair enough," Carlisle said. "I was thinking we should have a memorial service. I mean obviously we will have a public funeral for them, but I was thinking we should have a family gathering tomorrow to say our goodbyes."

"We should invite Bella, she will need the closure," Emmett offered up.

"Of course, she's a part of the family," Esme responded.

Rosalie nodded, "That sounds like a good idea."

No one spoke for a few minutes, all of us still adjusting to the situation. What was there really to say?

Esme stood slowly. "I'm going to go check in on Bella and then lie down for a while."

We knew that Esme could not possible be tired, therefore she really just wanted some private time to mourn the loss of her children.

"I think I will go hunting for a little while," Emmett walked towards the door.

"I'll come with you." Rosalie followed him.

As they walked out, Carlisle stayed in the room with me, neither of us moving from our place. "If you need time we will give it to you, but please don't leave this family. I know that Alice was your main reason to be a part of this family, but you are one of mine and Esme's sons, and it would break her heart to lose you too. We will not force you to stay, but just know we love you so much and we do not want you to leave. You are welcome here as long as you want."

My breath hitched as the Carlisle's emotions washed over me. There was so much genuine love and kindness emanating from Carlisle that it staggered me. Any thoughts of leaving the Cullens quickly faded. "I won't leave, permanently at least. I think I might take some space, but I will not be far. I will always have my cell phone with me if you want to get a hold of me and I will be here tomorrow."

"That's more than I hoped for." He got up and hugged me tightly, filling me with love.

"I love you too," I said, sending my love back towards him.

Carlisle released me, and patted me on the shoulder. "Don't stray too far. We'll be here anytime you need us."

"Thank you. I will go check on Bella and then head out for a little while. I won't be far."

I gave a Carlisle a final look before jogging up the stairs. The door to my room was open. I paused in the doorway, looking in. I thought it would be harder to be in the room, but I think I was still in denial over what happened. Esme sat at the edge of the bed, stroking Bella's hair gently. Esme looked up when she heard me stand by the door.

"Are you going to leave us?" She asked sadly, already sure that I would go.

"Not permanently."

Esme sighed heavily, full of relief. "I'm happy to hear that."

"I just came up here to check on Bella."

"She's sleeping peacefully, probably the last time for a while. I'll leave you with her."

"You don't have to," I protested.

"I need to go lie down." Esme walked towards the door. She stopped in front of me, reaching up to wrap her arms around me. I leaned down, burying my face in Esme's shoulder, letting myself soak up the comfort that she was trying to send me. "Take your time, but please come back to us."

"I love you," I whispered into her ear.

Esme leaned back and kissed my forehead. "I love you, too." Esme gave me a sad smile before exiting the room.

I walked at human speed over to the bed and knelt down onto the floor, leaning over the edge of the bed as if I were a small child praying. Maybe I was. I felt so hopeless and lost in that moment. I knew I had a family here, and I would not abandon them, but my reason for existing was gone now. The only person who could relate to me was sleeping restlessly in front of me.

Bella was tossing helplessly on the bed, moaning in her sleep. I reached and touched her hand that was curled up next to her face. I felt an instantaneous connection with her and I was surprised by the intensity of her emotions, even though she was sleeping. Usually emotions dulled during sleep, only surfacing because of very vivid dreams. Instead right now, there was no escaping all the grief, sadness, and guilt that was flowing through her at that moment. I did not know what she had to feel guilty about, and did not understand that one emotion. I wished I could read her mind and find out what she was dreaming, but that thought only made me feel sad at the thought of losing my brother.

I knew it was time to go, and I had no responsibility to this human, but I felt otherwise. I wanted to protect her. Maybe it was Alice and Edward in the afterlife, encouraging me not to abandon someone that had been so precious to them. I felt a draw to her, and I knew I would not be able to stay away for long. I kissed her hand that I was holding, and sent a wave of peace through her before I leapt out the window into the surrounding woods.


	2. Hear You Me

_If you were with me tonight_

_I'd sing to you just one more time_

_A song for a heart so big God wouldn't let it live_

-Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World

**Chapter Two**

The family stood in a circle around a large hole that had been dug in the backyard, right next to the trickling stream. It was surprisingly lovely outside. The sky was scattered with clouds that moved back and forth, sometimes covering the sun. There was a light breeze in the air causing the leaves to rustle. Birds were chirping pleasantly. The world did not seem to know that it was the darkest day for every person standing around the grave that bright morning.

We obviously had no bodies to bury, but Carlisle said there needed to be some permanent monument that the family could visit. Rosalie had spent the evening carving into a boulder in the backyard, using her nails to etch the names of Edward and Alice on the stone, along with the words, "always loved, never forgotten." Placed in the hole was a memento representing each person. Esme and Carlisle had picked out each item. Edward's composition book had been placed gently in the shallow hole along with Alice's favorite ballet flats. Carlisle told me they had shipped overnight their most important items before they left for Italy, expecting that they would be moving back to Forks. They didn't know that they would be burying some of these items.

Nobody was looking at each other, but rather we were all staring down at the symbolic grave, lost in the moment of silence that Carlisle asked for.

I was burying my heart, or what was left of it in this small grave. I didn't know if it was even big enough to hold all the love that I held for Edward. I didn't want to leave him behind. I couldn't imagine a life without him. At least when he left me, I knew that he existed somewhere. But Edward was no longer in this world. He had traveled to the next world without me.

I was going to be alone. I had lost a best friend and the love of my life in one day. When Esme woke me this morning, she told me that they were not going anywhere and that I would always be a part of their family. Although I appreciated that sentiment more than I could ever vocalize, it just wasn't the same. They were not what I wanted. I wanted Alice to force me into some ridiculous gown. I wanted Edward to kiss me goodnight. I wanted to feel whole, and I feared that I would never feel that again.

* * *

-Esme-

I never thought I would have to bury a child again. That may have been the darkest day of my human life, but this was the darkest for my vampire life. Alice and Edward were not related to me by blood, but that didn't matter. I was physically only a few years older than them and technically they were older than me as vampires. That did not change the maternal feeling I felt towards them.

How was I supposed to come to terms with the fact that Alice would no longer dance into a room, brightening it instantly with her bubbly personality? She would no longer ask Rosalie and me to go on an impromptu fashion trip to Seattle.

And Edward, my son, was gone forever. His selfless soul was permanently extinguished. Oh God, I would never hear the piano again. He would never play my song. I couldn't stop the tearless sob from escaping me as that thought crossed my mind. I knew that nobody would have the heart to touch the piano for a long time, if ever.

* * *

-Emmett-

I had never known death before. My life had always been full of life, even when I died. I mean I had missed my family that I had left behind, but honestly, I gained more in Rosalie. Now I had to taste the bitterness of death. There was darkness in me that I had never known before. Even at my worst when I had accidentally killed before, it had never affected me that much. I would feel terrible for one or two days and then I could shake it off.

I can't shake this off. This sorrow in my heart would always be with me.

* * *

-Carlisle-

I had actually never felt old before. How was I supposed to respond to burying my children, even if it was just symbolically? I had witnessed my share of grief over the years, especially at the hospital, but that was different. That was as a witness, as a bystander. It was easy to show compassion and to give out words of comfort. It had never been ungenuine, but now I had to question what I had said in the past. I ran through those same words I had told so many families before, but none of those words rang true.

They are in a better place. I didn't know for sure. How do I presume to think that they are in heaven right now?

They didn't suffer. Knowing the Volturi, they did.

With time, your pain will heal. Everything was vivid as a vampire, memories did not fade. I felt like this pain would never ebb.

The worse part was looking at Bella and Jasper. Each time I felt an intense emptiness that I couldn't even put into words. There was no light in their eyes and I wish I could do something to bring it back.

* * *

-Rosalie-

I wanted justice. I wanted retribution. I wanted someone to kill to make up for the loss that I felt. There was no revenge I could focus on this time around. Killing Royce and his buddies had given me a sense of closure. I wanted that closure now, but I couldn't go up against the Volturi, and I couldn't full heartedly blame them. Edward had broken the law knowingly, and he got what he wanted, even if I did not want that for him. I truly wished that Alice had not gone in after him. I no longer had a sister, and I wished with all my heart that it wasn't the case.

I felt remorse for every bitchy thing I ever said to either sibling. I honestly never had a concept of any of us seizing to exist. I had always counted on the fact that I would have time to balance everything I said and did that was horrible with something kind. I guess that was an awful philosophy and I now I know that even every vampire life was precious.

* * *

-Jasper-

What was the point of this life? I had honestly thought Alice would be with me forever. I never thought she would leave me. Why hadn't she let me come with her? Maybe I could have gotten her out of there. I would have gone in her stead without hesitation. Maybe that's why she didn't want me to go. But, why then? Why did she get to choose who got to live without the other? Why do I have to live the rest of my existence without her?

I honestly didn't know if I could live this life. I loved the Cullens and respected them immensely, but I honestly never felt more than Alice's husband. I know that Carlisle and Esme felt differently and didn't want me to leave, but could I do that for them? Could I continue this constant battle with my nature for them? It was never a question with Alice. She was completely worth every sacrifice. She was worth every painful day in school, breathing in the appetizing smell of all of the young and healthy teenagers. Could I find a reason to lead this life without her?

What was worse was to think I was a widow. I was no longer married. I looked down at the simple golden band on my ring finger. I slid it off slowly, not liking the feeling of it being gone. Even when we went to school I just moved it to my middle finger. The band was so a part of me, but that part of me had died with Alice. It would never come back.

I did believe in an afterlife, but I did not share Edward's belief that we were all damned souls. I knew I was, there was no redemption for the sins I had committed. But I knew no higher being could reject such pure souls such as Edward's and Alice's. It was also not possible that they didn't exist. I couldn't live in such a universe that allowed that.

I stepped forward from the shadows, where I had been standing against a tree. I wanted to say my peace

"I'm going to miss these two. They were two of the most patient souls. They put up with my, well, my difficulties with being around humans in a truly accepting manner. I don't know what we are going to do without them. I love you, my little Alice." I walked closer to the grave and leaned over. I took the ring in my hand and dropped it in the grave. There was a muted plop as it hit the bottom.

Esme stepped forward. "I loved you both as my own children and my heart is breaking in a way that I was hoping I never would have to feel again."

It was Carlisle's turn to speak. "I had never been so honored to be your father. I was so proud with how you two took to this lifestyle. Alice, you were the most cheerful vampire I have ever met, and I don't know what this family will do without you. There will always be a hole in this family that nobody can fill except you. Edward you will always hold a special place in my heart as my first companion. I could not have picked a better person to be with for the rest of my life. I will miss you, my son, my brother, my friend."

Emmett made a noise as if clearing his throat, although it was unnecessary. "I'm going to miss just hanging around you two. Alice you were wicked awesome at Guitar Hero and I don't know who I am going to play with now. Edward you were the best hunting partner. Hunting grizzlies is no longer going to be the same without you."

Rosalie's clear voice was the next to ring out. I never had heard her voice so somber before. "You were my family and although I made it abundantly clear I did not pick this life, you two helped to make me enjoy this life that we shared. I will miss you more than I can ever express. You are my true brother and sister and I will never forget you."

"Alice, you gave me a best friend when I needed it most. You were so supportive of me and welcomed me into this family without hesitation or fear. I will never be able to thank you enough for your love and acceptance." Bella paused here, tears flowing freely down her face. It took her a minute to gather up the strength to continue. "Edward, there is really nothing more to say than I love you and I'm sorry I was not enough."

Each of them stepped forward and took a handful of earth and sprinkled it on the items at the bottom of the hole. We each murmured a final goodbye as we passed.

"May Angels lead you in," Carlisle whispered breathlessly.

* * *

-Carlisle-

"Bella, I should probably take you home to Charlie," I told Bella as we sat in the front room after the memorial. For the last hour the family had just been sitting around in the front room, not saying anything. The silence wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but it was heavy with grief. Bella had managed to keep her crying restrained to silent tears that constantly poured from her eyes.

Bella hesitated. "I don't know if I am ready to face him. What am I supposed to say Carlisle?"

"I'll go with you and explain it to him," I reassured.

Bella nodded meekly. "Are you guys…will you be…" Bella drifted off.

Surprising everybody in the room, Rosalie was the one to respond. "We aren't going anywhere."

Bella's head whipped over to face Rosalie. Rosalie's eyes were dark, but somehow there was a softness there that had not been there anytime before. Neither smiled, or said anything more to each other but an understanding passed through them. They were united in their grief.

"Of course not, we're all set up to move back and you're welcome over here anytime," Esme chimed in.

"Thank you. I think I am ready to go home then." Bella tried to sound resolute.

"I'll take you home." I stood and offered out my hand to Bella, helping her to her feet. She stumbled slightly, but I caught her easily. I put my arm around her and led her out to my car. She slid into the car, and I quickly joined her, starting the car.

She trained her eyes on the outside, staring at the woods surrounding the road. Bella's voice was subdued as she broke the quiet. "I remembered how when I first arrived in Forks I had thought all the green was suffocating and unnerving. Now it just reminds me of how much life is here, and what is now missing from my life."

I frowned at her words. I reached out and patted her shoulder, trying to give her comfort, knowing that it probably didn't help much.

The drive did not last long enough in my mind and soon we were outside of her house. All the lights were on and Charlie's cruiser was in the driveway. She took a deep breath and got out of the car slowly. I joined her, taking her hand into mine. The moment we stepped through the door, Charlie came storming in from the front room.

"Bella?" His voice came out strangled with emotion as he enveloped her in his arms. He peaked around her head and noticed me standing in the doorway. "Dr. Cullen. Is something wrong?"

"Bella is fine, if that's what you are asking," I answered calmly. "But I would appreciate it if we could talk."

Charlie released Bella and stepped back, unsure of what was going on. "Um, of course." He looked at Bella, not knowing whether or not she was welcome in this conversation.

Bella probably didn't know if she had to be there either. She gave me a pleading look.

"Bella, why don't you go lie down for a while?" I leaned forward and kissed Bella on the forehead.

Bella obeyed my orders and trudged up the stairs to her room.

"Please have a seat Dr. Cullen." Charlie motioned towards the couch.

I sat down on the edge, my body stiff. It was hard to keep up the pretense of being human. My mind could do many things at once, but grieving for my children and having this talk with Charlie was about the limit of my control. "An accident happened this weekend."

"Bella?" Charlie choked out.

"She wasn't there," I quickly assured him. "Alice and Bella had gone off down to California to come see us. Two days before, Alice and Edward went to go pick us up some food and they were hit by a drunk driver."

"Are they okay?"

"No, they…" My calm demeanor slipped. "They died in the accident."

Charlie gasped, "oh God." Then he turned to glance up in the direction of Bella's room, new found concern on his face. He shook his head and turned back to me. "I'm so sorry. How's your family taking it?"

"As best as can be expected. We are going to move back up here. Esme didn't like the city to begin with, but this just expedited the change. We'll be here if Bella needs us."

"A little too late," Charlie muttered.

I didn't even have the heart to get angry at Charlie because I felt the same way. Ever since we had left I had felt guilty that I had abandoned Bella. Even at the time I knew that it had been the wrong decision, but somehow I couldn't deny my son that decision. I honestly thought we would come back eventually and everything would work out. I hadn't been able to fathom anything tragic happening because of Edward's actions.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Charlie apologized.

I held up a hand to stop him. "Don't worry about it. I feel the same way myself. The only thing I can do is be here for Bella and I hope Bella will be there for us. I think she will be good for my family."

"I don't know if she is going to be good for anybody. You don't know how bad it was when you guys left," Charlie said in a non-accusatory voice.

"How was she?" This was the first time I heard anything about Bella's life during the months we had been gone.

"Well, she had a tough go at it towards the beginning. She didn't talk much. She stopped listening to music. She stopped hanging out with anybody. It was getting a little better over the last couple weeks as she hung out more with her friend Jacob. I'm not saying things were perfect but she was improving. I just don't know how she is going to be able to handle this."

"Well, Esme and I are here if you need us. We really do care about Bella a great deal and I know it will mean a lot to both of us to have her nearby."

"Is there anything you can do for her, I mean as a doctor? Can you recommend anything that I can do for her?" Charlie asked desperately, probably feeling helpless.

This was a little easier to talk about, something I could actually speak on and understand. "Make sure she has plenty of fluids and eats something. I'm afraid for her health. She will probably be unfocused and I would keep her out of school for a little while."

"It's spring break still. I think she is only a couple of credits from graduating."

"If she has problems with school Esme can home school her," I offered "She has an education degree from Central. Honestly it would serve as a distraction to the family. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper are taking a break from college to be with us."

"Thank you doctor, I will keep that in mind."

I rose, reaching out to shake Charlie's hand. Charlie stood to meet me. "I truly am sorry for your loss. If you need anything just call me."

"Thank you Chief Swan. I will. And if you notice any abnormal behavior with Bella, call me immediately, anytime."

I walked out and headed to my car, letting my grief to fully consume me. It was paralyzing. All I wanted to do was get back to house and not move for days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of POV switches, I know. From here on out it will just be Jasper and Bella except for one chapter that will be Carlisle.


	3. Hurt

_What have I become,_

_My sweetest friend,_

_Everyone I know,_

_Goes away in the end,_

-Hurt as sung by Johnny Cash

**Chapter Three**

It had been exactly a week since the 'accident', as I was getting used to calling it. Of course no accident could have killed Alice and Edward, but that wasn't what the public was told. Luckily there had been no school this week so I didn't really have to discuss it. I don't think I could have handled that. I didn't know if I was even going to be able to handle it this week when school started back up.

It had been a long week. Everything felt slow. My steps were slow, my speech was slow, everything moving around me was slow. I didn't leave my room much. There was nothing that drew me to the outside world. Charlie would come up with meals that I would usually ignore. He tried his hardest in cooking for me, and the food didn't look half bad, but I just wasn't hungry.

Esme had stopped by every other day and tried to talk to me. I tried my hardest to talk back, but she could see it was difficult. She didn't give up though. I think it was one of the few things she was clinging to, attempting to fix me. Emmett had stopped by yesterday and told me funny stories about Alice and Edward, trying to help me remember all the good times. I appreciated the effort but it was still a little too early. Rosalie's visit was the most welcome two days ago when she came by and just sat with me, holding my hand. She didn't say anything and didn't try to give me words of comfort. But she just made it so I didn't have to be completely alone for that one hour. It had been nice. Carlisle checked in every day, going as far as to take my vitals. He was threatening to insert an IV into me if I didn't start eating soon. I think in normal circumstances the dread of needles would have been enough for me to comply with his demands, but I just couldn't summon any sense of true conviction against having the IV. It made no difference to me.

Jasper was the only Cullen that hadn't visited and it was starting to worry me. It was the only thing I could summon up any energy to be interested about. I always asked where he was and I always got the same answer. "He's out by himself, but he is safe and nearby." I never asked anything more about him although I was curious and concerned. I wanted to see him. I felt like he was the only one who might know how I felt. I also felt like he could help me. He could make all my pain go away in a single thought in his head. I wanted that. I wanted to slip into oblivion. But he didn't come by. He never checked in. As time went on, I actually became angry with him. I needed him, damnit, and he couldn't come see me. He had to know how hard this was for me because he was feeling it himself. Couldn't he come to ease that pain? Couldn't he check in on me?

Jacob also came by and visited one day, but it was hard for him and he didn't stay long. I think he couldn't handle the pain that was more than visible on my face. I didn't have to have any special gift to understand the discomfort it caused him to see me look this bad. He tried so hard to comfort me, but when his efforts got him nowhere he didn't stay. I didn't blame him. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

I had searched for a way to leave consciousness behind me, but there was none. Sleep wasn't even a real reprieve. I just had nightmares of seeing Alice and Edward torn limb by limb apart. Even after they had been dismembered their eyes would still seek mine out and bore into my soul. I didn't know what they were trying to say to me.

I woke that morning, feeling no different than the days before. Overwhelming grief still permeated my soul. I wondered how long I could stay like this. If I didn't eat, would I eventually die? Or would I continue to live out this painful existence? How long would it take for the pain to ebb away? Could it ever leave? I couldn't imagine a time where I wouldn't feel this sense of loss. My heart had been taken away from me and it didn't seem possible to go on living without it.

My mind had a lot of time to replay the different scenes that got me to this point and I had pinpointed the pivotal event, my birthday. That one cut had been enough to change the course of my life and those around me. If I hadn't been so clumsy maybe this wouldn't have happened. I stared at my bedside table and saw a needle that I had used to sew up a tear in one of my jeans. Two weeks ago I had fallen in the school parking lot, landing on my knee which led to scrape and a hole in my pants.

I sat up in my bed gingerly and reached over to the needle, grasping it in my right hand between my thumb and finger, as if I was holding a pen. The metal was cool and that served as yet another reminder of my loss. Would anything ever not remind me of Edward and Alice? I stared at the needle, examining it from all angles before slowly bringing it down to the tip of my ring finger on my left hand. I pressed it firmly against the skin, but not applying enough pressure to break the skin yet. I thought about what I was about to do, and almost stopped. But, I had to see the source of all the problems once more. With more confidence I pierced my skin and brought the needle back out of my skin. I set the needle down on my dresser and turned my focus to the small bubble of blood that was pooling to the surface. It was a single drop. The familiar tangy rust smell reached my nose, but for the first time it didn't cause me any nausea. I just didn't care right now. Instead I looked at that single drop and couldn't believe that my blood, and so little of it for that matter, could be the source of so much tragedy. It was amazing if you really sat down and thought about it.

I was surprised I didn't feel any pain in my finger, which made me wonder. I picked the needle back up and stabbed the back of my hand to see if there was any pain there. Nope. Roughly I stabbed my arm, but still nothing. What was wrong with me? Curiosity filled me and I wondered if I would need a bigger injury to feel pain.

I got up out of bed and went over to my desk where I had a pair of scissors and took them back to my bed. I sat back down in my spot. I almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the scene. I knew that if anybody walked in, they would think I was trying to kill myself, but I was honestly curious. Could I feel pain? I hesitated with the scissors in hand. Where should I cut myself? The wrist was out, that was too dramatic. I almost did the inside of my hand, but I didn't want to hinder any movement. I chose my arm, thinking it would be easy enough to say I scraped it on something if anybody asked.

I opened the pair of scissors up and took one of the blades to my skin. Without hesitation I pulled the blade down the side of my arm for about an inch. A familiar sting pulsated from my skin and I knew that I wasn't numb all over. The pain was actually kind of nice. I could focus on the throbbing in my arm rather than the ache in my heart. I pinched at it, causing an even stronger jolt of pain. I was slightly tempted to make another cut to increase the pain some more. Maybe if I made enough cuts I could drown out my emotional distress completely. However, I was still sane enough to know that this probably would not be the case and it wouldn't help anything in the long run. I wasn't suicidal, at least not at this point. I wanted to die so bad, but there was still a small part of my brain that was whispering that I could not do that to all of the people that loved me. I would not do that to Charlie. He was holding me to this world. I didn't know if that pull would always be enough to keep me from joining Alice and Edward wherever they were, but it was enough for now.

* * *

I had never understood how Edward could watch Bella sleeping, or any human for that matter. I looked at Bella from a tree that faced her room, and I just didn't get the fascination. She tossed, turned, and muttered in her sleep, but it just didn't hold my interest like it had obviously done with my brother.

Thinking about Edward was hard, but it was less painful than thinking of Alice so that's what I did. I watched Bella and thought about Edward. Oh thank God, she is waking up, however that really wasn't much better. She has barely left her room the last week, although I didn't blame her. I wasn't really one to talk considering I hadn't changed my clothes or bathed the last week; she had at least done that. There were twigs sticking out in my hair and I knew I had dirt smudges all over myself, but I still couldn't bring myself to go back to the house. There were too many memories there. Out here, although there were memories, there weren't as many.

Bella reached over for something and sat up in her bed. What was she doing? I felt out for her emotions and there was the now common place depression, but there was something else. The best word I come up with it was curiosity. I focused on her and saw a needle in her hand. What the hell was she doing? When she brought it down to her skin I was bracing myself to jump out of the tree and save her from herself. But I didn't feel any emotions about suicide, and who killed themselves with a needle anyways. I was just overreacting. She stared at the blood droplet on her finger and I immediately stopped breathing. I don't think I would have been able to smell it through the closed window, but there was no reason to chance it.

She continued to stab herself two more times and I had to wonder what she was doing. She was still curious, but she was also confused. What was there to be confused about? Well, except for my confusion over why she was doing this. She got out of her bed, stumbling slightly as she reached out and grabbed a pair of scissors that were on her desk. Well, this just got a little bit more serious. I leaned forward preparing myself for the instant that something bad happened. She sat back on her bed and brought the blade to skin on her arms. There was a wave of amusement before she cut herself, maybe an inch. There was a small surge of pain. She squeezed the wound, letting the pain come on stronger.

I truly didn't understand this human at all. She seemed to focus on the pain for a few minutes before jumping up suddenly, excitement coursing through her. It was the first time in a week that I truly saw life in her features and I wondered what could bring this about. She grabbed her jacket, not bothering to change out of her sweats and t-shirt before heading down the stairs. She told her father something about visiting Jake, before she ran out the door and got in her truck.

* * *

What I was doing was wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore, knowing that it was dangerous. But, I couldn't help it. I had to see if he was gone forever, or if maybe he was alive in my head.

I pushed my truck to the very limits of its speed, racing down the drizzly road to La Push. I was hoping that Jake was either at school or off with the pack. I really didn't want to explain myself to him, not to mention I don't think he would approve of my reason for riding the motorcycle.

I pulled up to the side of the Black's house and ran out of the car quickly into the garage. Luckily the bikes were still in there. My luck still held as I was able to push my bike outside of the garage. I couldn't believe I was able to get my bike into the back of my truck, must have been some sort of adrenaline rush.

I drove the truck as quickly as possible off the reservation. I really didn't want Jake to catch up with me, so I kept going in the opposite direction. We had always ridden the bikes on the reservation so I didn't really know where I should go. I continued on 101 for a while, finally seeing what I needed. There was a turn off in the woods onto an access road for logging trucks. I took the turn and was thankful that my truck could handle the bumpy road. I traveled for about a mile, when I felt comfortable enough to stop the truck and pull the motorcycle off the bed.

I had stopped in a clear cut clearing. I found my surroundings a perfect reflection of my life. The sky was a solid gray mass, no end in sight as there was a constant drizzle misting the surroundings. The clearing was hilly, but there were no tall trees for about a mile radius. There were stumps everywhere one looked, overgrowth covering the area. The landscaped looked ravished, much like my own heart.

I slipped once trying to maneuver the bike in front of my truck. The road was muddy from the constant drizzle over the last three days. I sloshed through the mud, finally coming around the truck. I threw my leg over the side of the bike and tried to kick start it. It took a couple times, throwing my entire weight into it before the bike rumbled to life. The bike growled as I revved the engine a couple times, before putting the bike into gear and speeding forward.

The wind whipped through my hair. The road was bumpy, causing me to slam into the bike over each divot in the road. I felt my ears roar with excitement, but a distinct voice was missing. An overwhelming sense of disappointment washed over me causing me to lose focus on the road in front of me. I didn't see the pothole until it was too late.

* * *

It was probably the most frustrating five minutes of my life when Bella disappeared across the illusive treaty line. I wanted to follow her, but I knew I could not risk breaking the treaty. She seemed in a hurry to get there. I told myself I would give it around fifteen minutes and if she did not reemerge I would call Carlisle to see what we should do. She really shouldn't be out and about right now. I couldn't see how she was in any proper state to go calling on her friend.

Right about as I was working myself up into a healthy state of panic, Bella crossed back over to this side of the line, a motorcycle now on the bed of her truck. What the fuck? I stopped in my track when I caught sight of the motorcycle. What the hell was she doing? There was no desperation in her feelings now, there was just anticipation. Anticipation of what? Her death? I took off at a dead run, catching up with the truck. Mud splattered onto my clothes and ferns brushed against me, sticking leaves all over me. I could visualize Alice up above me grumbling about the state of my clothes, but I didn't care. I had to see what Bella was doing.

When she stopped on some old access road, I couldn't believe what I saw. She was struggling with pulling the bike off her truck. I don't know what I thought she was going to do with the motorcycle, maybe knit a sweater, but by God I knew now she was planning on riding it. She was going to ride the motorcycle on a muddy road while it was still raining. What the hell was she thinking? Her emotions were of excitement and for the first in the last week, I felt life course through her. I was actually jealous. I wanted that feeling even if it was under dangerous situation. I couldn't bring myself to stop Bella. How cruel would I be to take that life away from her? And an even more selfish part of me liked feeling her lively emotions by proxy.

I lost myself in that thought when a crushing sense of disappointed crashed over me. I ran after Bella. I didn't make it in time but I saw it happen in perfectly clear detail. The front wheel caught itself in a deep pothole, causing her to fly over the handlebars. It might not been half as serious if her head had not collided with a jagged rock that was sticking out of the road. She truly had all the luck. I heard that crack of her skull hitting the rock and the snap as she landed on her arm at a funny angle. I instantly stopped breathing, afraid of the blood that was probably seeping from her head wound. I ran over, relief flooding through me as I heard her heartbeat, although it was not at a healthy speed. I pulled out my phone quickly and punched in Carlisle's phone number.

"Jasper?" He answered.

"Bella's been hurt. I need your help."

"What happened? Where are you?" Although his voice was still relatively calm, I could hear the underlying panic.

"I'll explain later, but it looks like she has a head wound. Hurry. I'm on the second access road off of 101 outside of Forks about 2 miles out."

"I'll be there in five minutes. Make sure you keep Bella conscious."

"I think she is already out," I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Then wake her up," Carlisle snapped before hanging up the phone.

I stared at the phone for a split second, amazed. I had never heard Carlisle be short with anybody before. He was always the most patient in the family. Even Esme could not match his patience.

I shook my head, clearing it to focus on Bella lying on the ground. I felt a sense of guilt wash over me as I looked at Bella's muddy, scraped up form. Alice and Edward would not be happy with me. I knew they would have entrusted the family with the care of what was most precious to them. I had failed them. I had not thought clearly. I would have to fix that, be more careful in the future.

"Bella? Bella? You need to wake up," I spoke urgently, gently trying to shake her awake. There was no response. There were no emotions coming from her which worried me more than the injuries did. I touched her hand, sending jolts of adrenaline through her body. She muttered to herself, trying to move.

"No, don't move. You have been severely injured. Carlisle is on his way to check on you."

"Jasper?" Her voice was raspy. She kept her eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep.

"Bella, stay with me. Concentrate. Tell me something. What were you doing on the motorcycle?"

Bella tried shifting again. I had to press her shoulders down, trying to keep her from moving and causing more injury. "No, no, no. Edward's gone. He's really gone. Let me die."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Didn't she already know that? I hadn't picked up any denial in the last week. I hated to, but I did accept that they were gone and I thought Bella had done the same. I didn't know what to make out of what Bella said. I didn't have to think much more about it as he heard the quick footsteps that were approaching. Carlisle ran up to Bella, followed shortly be Esme who was trying to control her sobbing. I sent a wave of calm to Esme while I still held Bella's hand, trying to keep her awake.

Carlisle bent over Bella, looking at the head wound first, extremely careful not to disturb her body in any way. "It's bleeding badly, but I think it just a superficial wound. However, I do think she has a severe concussion."

"She's fighting my adrenaline I am sending her pretty hard."

"Well, keep at it as best as you can. Let me check out her other wounds before we try to move her."

I tried to push out the worry that was coming from Carlisle and focused all of my strength on keeping Bella in this world. I didn't help ease her pain with my powers. I hoped the pain would keep her aware of her surroundings.

"Bella can you feel this?" Carlisle asked as he pinched her hand.

"Mmm," Bella murmered.

Carlisle looked up at me. "That was a yes."

"Good, I don't think she is paralyzed then. She definitely broke her right arm in at least one place, but that's all I can tell for sure. She might have a bruised rib or two. I think it's safe to move her. Jasper, you drive her in her truck. I'll run ahead to meet you at the hospital. Esme, I want you to go to Charlie and inform him of what happened."

We immediately jumped up, following Carlisle's calm orders. He picked up Bella as gently as possible. I hopped into the cab, thankful that Bella had left the keys in the ignition. Carlisle opened the passenger door and laid Bella gently across the cab, so her head was in my lap and her feet were towards the door. I was thankful she was so short.

"Remember, try to keep her awake. I'll be at the hospital waiting for you. Hurry, my son," Carlisle spoke softly before running off towards town.

I started the truck, it roared to life. Wow, now this is a truck, I couldn't stop myself from thinking while I swung it around so it was facing the opposite direction. I looked in the rearview to see the motorcycle abandoned on the road, right where it had been left. Good riddance.

Bella mumbled something but I couldn't decipher her words. "Shhh," I hushed her, running my hand across the face in my lap. I continued my ministrations of adrenaline, but I also tried to send her some form of relaxation as the truck made its way across the bumpy landscape. This could not be good for her body, but I drove the truck forward, sighing a breath of relief as we made it to the paved road. I turned quickly, pushing the truck as fast as it would let me.

I ignored all traffic laws as I got her to the hospital in record time. Carlisle was quick to come out and check up on her, giving out orders to the team of nurses that were on staff. I jumped out of the truck quickly, probably too fast to be human but luckily nobody was focused one. I watched Bella be pushed off on a stretcher through the automatic doors. Carlisle paused for a brief moment, patting me on the shoulder and saying simply "you did well," before joining the throng of people.

Sirens brought me out of my reverie as I saw Chief Swan's cruiser pull up right behind the truck. He leapt out of the truck and ran towards me. His eyes grew large as he took in my appearance. Alarm shot out in his body. I must look terrible, caked in dirt. "Where's she?"

"They just took her in. My father is looking after her," I reassured him, although it didn't help his frazzled nerves. He didn't even pause to say thank you before running into the hospital, only a few minutes behind Bella.

I thought of his face as he took in my features, and almost wanted to laugh at it. I must have looked like a wild creature. I looked down, taking in my clothes, gasping uncontrollably at what I saw. There on the legs of my trousers was a large pool of blood. It was still damp from where Bella had been laying on my lap. Charlie had not been alarmed because I looked like a crazy person. He was frightened because I was coated in his daughter's blood.

* * *

I felt a pull, tugging me out of the depths of darkness. It was an annoying pull. I didn't want to follow. I wanted to go back to the comfort of nothingness. But, the person wouldn't let that happen. A low voice kept calling my name. I recognized that voice.

"Jasper?"

He kept talking, asking me some sort of question. What was going on? Where was I? I tried to move. I felt cold. My body was wet from mud that was soaking through my clothes. That's when I remembered. The motorcycle. The accident. The lack of voice.

Oh God, oh God, oh God. He was truly gone. There was nothing I could do to anchor him in my world somehow. My memories of him would slowly fade and eventually he would slip from my life. He would cease to exist. I could not have that. Now, I really wanted to go back to the black and forget everything that had happened. I didn't want to live my life without there being any form of Edward in it. I decided and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Let me die.

But he wouldn't let that happen. He kept pulling me towards the surface and at one point I caught a glimpse of his dark eyes. His stare was intense and I immediately shut my eyes to avoid the onslaught in his eyes. They were not the eyes I wanted and they just served as a painful reminder of what I had lost, everything.

A/N: Thanks for all of those that have reviewed, favorited, and put this story on alert. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

I'm out of school still until another week, so these chapters are coming out relatively fast. I have a feeling when my grad classes start up again it may slow down some, but I will still try at least to do one chapter a week.


	4. I'm With You

_Isn't anyone trying to find me?_

_Won't somebody come take me home?_

_It's a damn cold night,_

_Tryin to figure out this life._

_Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new?_

_I don't know who you are, but I..._

_I'm with you._

-I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

**Chapter Four**

I stood in Carlisle's hospital office, staring at some of the medical texts that were crammed on the shelves. Maybe I would look into taking some medical courses if I ever I go to college, obviously just theory based classes, but it seemed like they could be helpful. I really didn't like the uncertainty of not knowing what was wrong with Bella earlier.

I had been waiting for about two hours when the door opened quietly and Carlisle strode into the room, collapsing in his chair. He let out a sigh as if he was truly tired.

"Bella?" I asked.

"She will be okay. She has a concussion with a broken wrist. Otherwise she got away lucky, as it seems is her way." Carlisle shook his head, barely believing it himself. He motioned to the chair in front of him for me to sit down.

I didn't feel the need to rest, but I took the seat anyways.

"So, how did this happen? I saw the motorcycle abandoned in the road," Carlisle spoke evenly.

"Well, she had been in her room when she had gotten a sudden idea. Her emotions had spiked and she he drove to La Push," I tried to speak in a factual manner.

"Did you follow her all the way?" Carlisle couldn't keep the concern out of his voice.

"No, I stayed on this side of the line. When she came back across the line she had the motorcycle on the back of the truck and then she went out of the access road. As she was unloading the bike she felt excited. She was anticipating something good. I wasn't paying attention too closely and she had the accident. She had flipped over the handlebars and hit her head on the rock."

"But, why didn't you stop her?" There was no accusation in his voice, only curiosity.

"I had been distracted by her feelings. She was excited and hopeful. She felt…" I struggled to find the right word, "alive. I was jealous of her and I couldn't stand to take that feeling away from her. I didn't want to do that to her."

"I understand. Bella's having a tough time now." Carlisle paused and then said almost casually, "She's asked to see you."

I blanched at the idea. "I don't know if I can. Being too close to her is painful. She's just so…forlorn. She is still holding onto Edward and Alice. It's painful. I didn't think she was in denial, but when I was waiting for you, she was muttering about how Edward was really gone."

"That's precisely why you need to see her," he asserted. "You are the only person who can actually relate to her. What we say to her, while good intentioned, is not necessarily considered truthful by her. We don't know how she is feeling. We have a different kind of pain that doesn't necessarily compare. She knows we don't know how she really feels. We cannot relate, but you can."

"It's not just that. I also, don't know if I trust myself. I mean after what happened at her birthday..." I trailed off, embarrassed,

"Have you looked at yourself?" Carlisle asked, incredulously. "It seems that you have found the control you have wanted for so long. You were perfectly in control when I came to you and you are still fine even though your pants are soaked with her blood. How many times do we have to tell you that her birthday was not your fault. It was a surprise to all of us and you just happened to feel all of our thirst at once."

I sighed, feeling the hope that Carlisle was sending me. He really wanted this. But, honestly I just wanted to continue to watch over Bella from a safe distance. When I got too close, her emotions were overwhelming. I was broken, I didn't know how I could help somebody else who was broken too, even if we were in similar situations. I just didn't know.

* * *

God, how many times would I have to wake up in the hospital? Charlie was sleeping in a chair next to my bed and Esme was standing against the wall apparently watching over me. "She's awake." Esme spoke in a normal voice, probably alerting Carlisle who was somewhere else in the hospital. Sure enough a minute later Carlisle entered the room, not wasting any time before starting his examination.

"Good, it looks like you will be fine to be discharged tomorrow."

I sighed in relief. "What time is it now?"

"It's 2:30 in the morning."

"Is Jasper here?" I asked, trying to keep the hope out of my voice.

"No." Carlisle looked like he was struggling with something before he decided to continue. "He has difficulty being around you right now. You are not letting go. I'm not saying you have no right to feel the way you do, but you're holding so tightly onto Edward and Alice that it's not allowing you to properly grieve."

"I know they aren't coming back. I understand that," I defended.

"Yes, but you have been in this stasis, not actually acknowledging their death. You need to mourn. You need to say goodbye."

"But if I do, I will forget them. It will be like they never existed," I couldn't help but find some grim amusement at those words. He had wanted that for me not that long ago. I couldn't let that happen though. Before, it might have been okay to forget because I knew that he existed somewhere. It may not have been with me, but he was out there. Now though, I couldn't let that goodness be extinguished.

"No, they will never be forgotten, especially with all of us here to help remind you. We have perfect memory. We can help you remember. There is a difference between remembering and holding on. You need to let them go and say goodbye."

I nodded to show my understanding, although I didn't want to. I didn't want to say goodbye. It would mean they were finally gone.

"We'll be here when you want to say goodbye, Bella. We can help you through this," Esme offered.

"I think I need to do it alone. I'll do it tomorrow." An idea occurred to me. "I know where."

"For now though, you need to sleep." With that I saw Carlisle push a syringe into my IV and I felt the drug induced sleep take me.

I woke up the next morning to a very concerned Charlie and I tried to assure him I was fine. Unfortunately I had to divulge the whole motorcycle story, fudging on the details about the attempt to hear Edward's voice. I told him I just wanted the adrenaline rush. He told me there had been no motorcycle in my truck, and he seemed happy about that. He was slightly appeased by the fact that it was no longer in my possession and I promised him I wouldn't go try to find it. I was done with motorcycles.

Carlisle came in and did a thorough examination, running me through numerous tests to make sure I was better from my concussion. He told me I would have the cast for a couple of weeks, but that didn't faze me. I was used to casts, having been in my fair share of them before. At least this one wasn't on my leg. After the tests he declared me fit to leave. I remembered what I had to do next.

It took 45 minutes for me to convince Charlie to let me drive myself and that I had to run an errand by myself. Even then, I was only allowed to do it with the reassurances from Carlisle to Charlie that I was okay and I could handle it. They had monitored me overnight and well into the day and there were no signs that I had any side effects from my concussion. I told Charlie I wouldn't be more than a couple of hours.

I got in my truck, noting that any of my blood that had been in the truck had been cleaned up. Must have been the work of Jasper. I hoped that hadn't been too uncomfortable for him. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was out as I exited the hospital parking lot. It was a stark contrast from the weather yesterday. I drove my truck outside of town, now to the familiar road out in the woods.

I parked on the side of the road. I still remembered what path it was to the meadow. I figured it was the place that I had the strongest associations with Edward and thus would be the best place to say goodbye. The path was rough, but I took my time, in no hurry to have this task over with. I knew Carlisle was right, I mean he was always right, that this was the best thing for me to do in the long run. That didn't make it any easier to do. I didn't want the finality of Edward being gone.

I lost track of time as I thought about him. The first thing that came to mind was his crooked smile. I would miss that the most. The way his mouth would gently tilt upwards, but only on one side was probably the sexiest thing I had ever seen and it almost always had the effect of putting a smile on my face. It was yet another thing that made me sad to think was permanently gone from this world. I thought of all the times that we had spent in my bed, not even talking, but just enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms.

I had to wonder, if I had been enough would Alice and Edward still have be here now? If I had been more beautiful would it have been enough to keep him here? If I had been more intelligent, would I have been interesting enough to keep his attention? If I had just been more extraordinary, would he have felt the need for his distractions?

The trees suddenly thinned and I found myself in the all too familiar meadow. Flowers were in full bloom and the grass was the most vivid green I had ever seen. Everything was so bright and colorful under the shining sun. That made it all the more difficult for me to do what I had to.

* * *

In the last 24 hours Bella had led to more mysteries than any other human I had ever met, probably more than any vampire as well. Although I was not blessed with the power to read minds, usually a person's emotions were enough to give me all the information I could ever need or want. Bella never felt the right emotions for the situations though and she was doing odd things.

After I had talked to Carlisle I went off to hunt in the woods, but my mind kept coming back to Bella and what Carlisle said. Did she really need me? Eventually I had decided to check back in at the hospital and had actually caught her leaving, so I had decided to follow her. I didn't see how I could be of any help to anybody in the current state I was in. He told me that he would advise Bella that she should let go of Edward and Alice but I didn't actually see her doing it. She was so dependent on their memory that I had no way of possibly thinking she could actually let them go.

But here she was trudging through the woods at an insufferably slow pace, with me of course shadowing her at a safe distance. Her emotions covered a wide spectrum. First she was determined, then that determination wavered as dread overcame her. Then there was depression followed by guilt and a large dose of insecurity. I had no idea what to make of her. I had been around her relatively little over the past year. The most time I had spent with her was when we were in Phoenix and that was not really normal circumstances. She had been filled with concern at the time and very little else. She was concerned for us, concerned for her mother, and concerned for Edward. Concern for herself played little role in her emotional schema.

I missed Alice at that point. I felt she would have better luck at figuring out what was up with Bella. Alice was so perceptive and she would have no hesitations in forcing an answer out of Bella. She was the friend that Bella needed at this time, not a depressed empath who happened to be a vampire with little control over his thirst. That was the last thing she needed, yet it seemed it was all she had.

She finally emerged from the woods into a clearing of sorts. It was quite beautiful and I was wondering why I didn't know of this place and how Bella did. Then it hit me quite suddenly. This was probably the meadow that Edward often visited. He told us about it, but not where it was. I think he was afraid we would overtake it for ourselves. He probably wasn't that far off the mark. It would not be unlike Emmett and I to commandeer the place for our numerous wrestling matches. After he had started to date Bella, was date the right word, he had started to take her there. Then he expressly forbade us from trying to follow him out there. I listened, but forbidding Emmett to do something just made him even more interested in doing it. Edward had used numerous tricks and blackmailing schemes to keep Emmett away from the meadow. It held a special place in his heart and apparently that strong feeling had been transferred to Bella as well.

The moment she stepped into the field her mixture of emotions melted away into one, grief. The grief that hit me actually caused me to stumble. Her emotions had not even been this strong when she initially found out about their deaths. I prayed in that moment that for the rest of my existence I never had to feel that amount of sadness again, especially coming from one person. Apparently Bella couldn't handle the strength of her emotions either because she collapsed on the ground, falling to her knees. She hunched over herself, hugging her arms tightly to her chest. Sobs ripped through her chest, the most raw sound I had ever heard. I wanted it to stop, but I also knew it was necessary. This was her finally coming to terms with what happened.

"Edward, why wasn't I enough? Why did you stop loving me? That's all I want to know and then I can let you go. Please just tell me."

That made my thought process halt in its track. Why did she think he stopped loving her? That solved one mystery, why I had felt her insecurities earlier. Edward had never told us exactly what he had said to her when they broke up. He had just told us some vague shit about it being better this way. I had accepted it at the time, because it didn't affect me. But now I was wondering who it was better for. Without much thought to my actions. I started to walk out into the meadow.

She didn't see me directly, what caught her eye first was the reflection that I was casting onto the grass near her. She didn't look up immediately. A wave of hope flooded her. "Edward?"

"No, he's gone," I told her softly. The hope quickly faded as she recognized my voice. She looked up at me and her eyes burned into me. I don't know exactly what I had been expecting when I would finally talk to her. Part of me thought she would be relieved to see me. I was foolish. I didn't need to feel her emotion to recognize the hatred that she was staring at me with.

She stood up, squared her shoulders, and she faced me front on. "Where have you been?"

"By myself, in the woods. I have been trying to come to terms with what happened," I replied honestly, well almost honestly. I didn't want to tell her that I had been watching her from a distance. I didn't think she would take too kindly to that information.

"Well, that's fantastic," she replied bitterly. I had never heard her speak in such a tone. It threw me through a loop. "Never mind that there might be others who need you."

I shook my head at this. "I am no use to anybody. Not in the state I am in. I am barely in control of my emotions as it is. If I was around other people, I don't think I could help them."

"Isn't that convenient? You know it wasn't just your power that that I desired, I wanted the company. You understand better than anyone how I feel. But, you couldn't even do that. You could have made an attempt to help me. It's the least you could do," she spoke quickly. Her emotions were all over the place and I honestly could not get a clear read on her.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I looked at her questioningly.

"It's your fault that this all happened." Her voice was ice cold and each word pierced through my tough skin and left me feeling raw. She continued on, in case I didn't understand, although I didn't need any explanation. "If you had not attacked me that night, none of this would have happened. You couldn't keep yourself in check because of a damn drop of blood. That was all that it took and you attacked me. Are you seriously that weak? Let's not forget that you should have gone with Alice. You shouldn't have listened to her. Maybe if you had come with us they would have made it out. How is it fair that she asked me to sacrifice myself and Edward, but she couldn't put you in danger?" Her voice was steadily rising, until the end when she was screaming.

I dropped to my knees at her words. She was just saying everything I had been thinking the last week. None of the words were anything new to me.

She was gasping violently, slowly hyperventilating. She fell to her knees right in front of me. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have cut myself. I should have been better for him. I should have tried harder to be interesting to him. I should have tried harder to follow Alice. I shouldn't have jumped off that cliff. I shouldn't…." she couldn't speak anymore. Her gasping turned to sobs and she hunched over herself, hugging herself tightly. I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn't. Not only was her grief too far gone for me to control, but I wasn't inany state to help. Then I remembered her words earlier. Maybe she didn't need my power. Maybe she just needed me.

* * *

What was I saying? Why was I blaming Jasper? Were those words really coming out of my mouth? What was wrong with me? I didn't really mean those words, but they kept coming out. Maybe I meant them a little, just a little. I had thought them on one particularly unpleasant evening, trying to come to terms with what happened. Instead I thought of all the different events that could have changed so that Edward and Alice would still be alive. Although I started to blame Jasper that night, I had actually come to another conclusion on who was actually to blame. That reminded me and my shouting stopped. I was breathing heavily as I remembered who was really at fault. Collapsing onto the ground, I spoke much more softly. I voiced my darkest secret, who was really to blame for what happened.

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have cut myself. I should have been better for him. I should have tried harder to be interesting to him. I should have tried harder to follow Alice. I shouldn't have jumped off that cliff. I shouldn't…." I couldn't speak. The truth of my words hit me violently and I hunched inwardly, trying to protect myself. I felt like I was going to fall apart and the only thing keeping me together were my arms.

Something else was helping though. Another pair of arms joined my own, wrapping themselves over mine. There was a slight tug and I fell backwards into something hard. I peeked up and saw Jasper's face stricken with grief. For a split second I considered that I should be careful, but I quickly ignored that, curling myself into his lap. I flung my arms around his neck and buried my head in his chest, hugging him as tightly as I could, clinging to my last refuge on Earth.

What surprised me was that fact that it wasn't me just holding onto him. He held me tightly to him, almost painfully so. He buried his face into my neck and hair, and I heard an unearthly sound I did not recognize. I remembered that Edward once told me that vampires couldn't cry literally, because they had no tears. But they had their own way of expressing pain. This was it. The sound was a wrenching sob that shook his body. Hearing it caused me only new pain. He was hurting just as bad, if not worse than me and I had blamed him for what happened. I cried even harder, wallowing in the pain that I felt, pain for losing Edward, pain for losing Alice, pain for Jasper, pain for wanting to die, pain for everything.

I don't know how long we were there, except that it was now dusk. The light was quickly fading behind the trees and mountains in the horizons. When I pulled back slightly to look at Jasper, he was only faintly shimmering. His face was scrunched up in pain still, although his sobbing had subsided. I reached my hand up tentatively, running it down his cheek, trying to smooth his face out to the one I was familiar with, not this tortured mask that he was wearing. I expected to feel his emotions this time, like I had that day in Volterra, but nothing came.

"Why can't I feel your emotions?" I asked hoarsely, my voice scratchy from lack of water and all the crying.

"I have control over myself this time. That day, I didn't have a handle on my emotions so I couldn't stop you from feeling them. I have that control now. Actually, during that little episode, I had no control over my power so we were both feeling each other's emotions without any hindrance."

"I didn't notice."

"You probably wouldn't have. They were pretty much the same emotions you were feeling and your feelings were already so intense that you didn't notice the extra pain." Jasper's tone was soft, but it was hard to decipher.

"What are you feeling now?" I don' t know why I asked that, but I was intensely curious.

"Why don't I just show you." He held my hand that was still stroking his cheek, holding my hand tightly to his face. I felt it all of a sudden, a wave of new emotions. I closed my eyes, focused intently on them. There were so many emotions. I instantly recognized the grief and pain that would probably be there for quite some time. There was guilt to go along with the grief. Also, there was an intense love tied with the grief, love for Alice. On top of that there was a small sense of peace as well, acceptance, and another emotion hard to exactly name. The best word I could come up with was affection. There a protectiveness and caring feeling there. It was felt towards me. The only reason I knew that was because I felt the same thing for him. I knew now we were connected in that moment of complete vulnerability. He could leave tomorrow and come back 50 years later and I would still feel that connection him. We were bound together in our mutual pain.

He didn't take his hand away from mine and I felt an odd sense of comfort fall over me as we continued to stare at each other. "Are you doing that?"

He sheepishly grinned. "Guilty. It's been a long day. I just thought you could use a little peace. Not a lot, but just something to take away the edge."

"Thank you." I honestly told him, lying my head back against his chest. I was too short to reach his shoulder. I let my mind drift for a minute when a thought occurred to me suddenly. "Wait, have you been near my house lately?"

"Why would you say that?"

"You didn't answer my question."

Jasper took a deep breath. "I might have been known to stop by to check in on you every once and a while."

"I just remember falling asleep pretty suddenly the other night."

"That might have been me. You were really tired and had not been sleeping well," Jasper admitted to me.

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes. Something kept nagging at my brain. The thought of Jasper blaming himself bothered me. "Jasper, I didn't mean what I said earlier. I don't blame you."

"I don't blame you either," Jasper whispered back.

"You don't?" I was unsure of the answer. I knew logically that if Jasper was not to blame then I wasn't either, but that didn't ease my feelings.

"I never did. What happened was unfortunate. I guess each of us have done things that we are going to regret."

"I don't want you blaming yourself at all."

"I feel the same way about you, but am I going to be able to change your mind?" Jasper questioned abruptly.

I considered his words. No matter how many times people might tell me that I was not guilty, I couldn't imagine that changing my mind. In my head, I could so easily see how the timeline of events would have shifted if I had just changed my own actions. I bet Jasper felt the same way.

Jasper took my silence as agreement. "Look, guilt is a nasty feeling and it isn't going to go anywhere anytime soon. The best we can do is remind each other that the other was not at fault, and attempt to keep the guilt from getting too heavy. Don't let it bury you. Acknowledge it, but don't let it fester. Hopefully it will fade, but it will never disappear."

"Thanks for the honesty," I said truthfully.

"I would never lie to you," Jasper quickly admitted.

"Even to keep me from worrying?"

"I promise I won't lie to you, ever. I never lie anyways. It just ends in problems and it is impossible to keep secrets in out family," Jasper paused, frowning. "Or it was. I guess I could start lying and nobody would be the wiser."

"It keeps hitting you too? I will forget sometimes and then it will hit me all over again that they are dead. It feels like the news is still fresh."

"That happens to me too. You would think with my vampire brain that allows me to think of multiple things at once that I wouldn't forget, but it still happens."

I figured that this must be worse for him. He had all that space to think about how much he missed them. Just the thought of all that pain brought fresh tears to my eyes. A few slipped down my cheek and he caught them quickly with his thumb. It felt nice to have him here, holding me. I felt for the first time a feeling of safety. Maybe someday, a long way down the road everything would be okay. I didn't want that feeling of hope to go away. Panic rose in me. "Are you going to leave again?"

* * *

It came out of nowhere, the sudden fear that shot through her. "Are you going to leave again?"

The pure emotion reflected in her voice was enough to make me feel bad to make her doubt me. She really had felt abandoned. Even if my powers would not have been much help to her, I never thought that maybe my mere presence might have been a comfort to her. Maybe Carlisle was right. I was the only one that knew what she was going through and she needed to be with somebody who knew that.

"I won't leave you. As long as you want me near, I'll stay. Although, I am going to warn you that I may get too attached to you."

"I hope so. I don't want you going anywhere. You make me feel better."

I couldn't help but feel contentment at that. "Maybe you will feel good enough to get a good nights rest then. You should be getting back home."

"Okay, you're right. Charlie's probably worried." She hesitated for a second before getting up. She turned back towards me and put out her good hand out of reflex to help me up. I smiled at the gesture. She didn't seem to recognize that she was offering help to a vampire. I took her hand though and used all my own weight to stand up. I didn't let go of her hand and she didn't try to let go either. We both walked towards the woods.

I thought about offering to carry her, but I figure that might remind her of Edward. Instead I settled myself in for the trek at human speed. Right at the edge of the meadow she turned back and spoke softly, I don't know if she even realized I could hear her. "Goodbye Alice. Goodbye Edward. I love you both. I'll take care of him for you, Alice."

Under my breath I whispered a similar goodbye. "I'll miss you both so much. I'll take care of her for you, Edward."

We both turned back around and walked out of the meadow, letting go of Alice and Edward at the same time. We would remember them, but we would not hold on to them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a little bit of time because it needed to be reworked some. The biggest change was Jasper and Bella's conversation. When I had initially wrote this over two years ago, I had Bella and Jasper let go of their guilt together. But, what I have since realized that real life doesn't work that way. I still carry guilt over my dad's death, and nothing my counselor, family, or friends said convinced me otherwise. Instead, I have learned to live with it and not let it eat at me, which it doesn't. So I changed the scene to reflect that. It's a little bit of a downer notion, but it's honest and that is one of my goals with this story.
> 
> Oh and I know using Avril Lavigne probably loses me street cred points, but honestly this song to me is haunting and it is what inspired the whole story. I'm not a fan of many of her other songs, but in this one I think she shows off that she truly does have beautiful vocals.


	5. Fix You

_When high up above or down below_

_When you're too in love to let it go_

_But if you never try you'll never know_

_Just what you're worth_

-Fix You by Coldplay

**Chapter Five**

The walk back was peaceful, and I don't think Jasper was using his powers to do that. He continued to hold my hand and lead me along the pathway at human speed without complaining. Every now and again Jasper would swiftly pick me up by the waist, helping me over a fallen tree trunk or a particularly rough part of terrain. We finally reached the truck. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly after I thought about it, Jasper put out his hand for the keys.

"Would you mind if I drive us back?"

I looked at him skeptically. "Do you think I can't drive? Or do you just not want to have to endure my driving at human speed?"

The corner of Jasper's lips twitched slightly and he glanced down briefly before looking back up. "I actually just want to drive your truck. I have always admired it. They don't make trucks like this anymore. I promise I won't push it above 40."

"Really? I don't believe you. You vampires love to drive fast."

"Come on, I have walked back with you at human speed. I can handle human speed well enough. Remember, I said I would never lie to you." He wiggled the fingers of his hand he was holding out. I couldn't resist him. I grabbed the keys and dropped them into his hand. He smiled at me, but I noticed it did not completely reach his eyes. My new goal in life was to eventually make him smile completely. Now that I thought about it I don't think I had ever seen him completely grin, ear to ear. I couldn't picture it. I couldn't imagine his laugh either. It's just something I had never experienced.

Jasper continued to the truck, opened the door for me, and helped me in, careful of my arm. He shut the door and went around to the driver side. Hopping in, he put the key in the ignition and turned it. The trucked growled as it started up. "I miss that sound. I used to have a truck very similar to this back in the 60's. I loved it and it never failed me."

"What happened to it?" My curiosity was piqued as I had never heard anything about Jasper's past.

"Emmett happened to it," Jasper replied bitterly.

"Emmett crashed it? How did he manage that?"

"Rosalie and he were off road racing in the hills of Montana and needless to say my truck did not survive. I was not happy with him."

I winced. Jasper actually drove my truck very gently. He did not go over 40 like he promised. Actually he stayed at a conservative 30 most of the time. He was true to his word. I would remember that. I had no reason to doubt him.

It was silent in the truck for a few minutes which led to Jasper asking, "What happened to the stereo we got for you?"

"Well," I muttered unsure. "Um, well, I had a problem with reminders of you guys and I didn't really listen to music much. Music reminded me of Edward."

We arrived at the house and he turned off the truck, coming around and grabbing me from the truck. "How did you take it out?"

I sheepishly looked at him. "I dug at it with my nails. I didn't want to hurt myself with any tools. I have a tendency to do that with sharp items. The stereo is somewhere in my closet." Jasper just shook his head at that as he walked me to the door, where we stopped. What happened now? "Are you going to leave me?"

"Do you want me to stay?"

I didn't hesitate before answering, "Yes, you can meet me up in my room if you don't mind."

"I'll meet you up there then." With that he darted off to the side of the house.

I stepped into the house, setting my purse and keys on the table by the door. I looked into a mirror for the first time and saw my slightly scratched face, but it didn't look as bad as it should. "Bella?" Charlie called out from the front room.

I walked into the front room and saw him lying down on the couch, watching a news report on Mariner's spring training. "Hi, dad."

"Are you okay?"

"Actually, I am. I just needed to do something personal, but I feel better now. I think I am going to go to bed. I feel really tired." I yawned to illustrate my point.

"Okay, Bells. Holler if you need anything."

"I will," I assured him as I went up the stairs, hoping that Jasper would be in my room waiting for me. Sure enough there he was standing against the wall, waiting patiently, with what looked to be my former stereo at his feet. "What did the stereo do to you? It was just an innocent bystander in all of this. I'll have to buy you a new one."

"No, you don't," I cut in emphatically. "You don't need to go spending money on another overpriced stereo system that I won't use."

"This whole not listening to music thing has got to go. We'll have to work on this."

I really didn't feel like arguing with him. The Cullens were very stubborn so I knew I wasn't going to change his mind at the moment. I went over to my dresser and pulled out a pair of sweats and a tank. "I'm going to go take a shower before bed."

"Wait," he stopped me with his hand. "You can't get your cast wet."

I looked down at my right wrist. I had gotten used to having casts before that I forgot I had this one.

"I'll be right back," he said as he darted out of the room. I counted to seven before he was back with saran wrap, plastic bags, and duct tape in hand. "Now, let's fashion your arm up for the shower." He sat down on the bed and patted the seat next to him. I followed him and sat down, giving him my arm. He took it gently and put a plastic bag over my hand, taping it down tightly. He then started wrapping my arm in numerous layers of the saran wrap. He followed that up with layers of duct tape holding it all down.

I raised my eyes at Jasper. "This will protect me well from the water, but it will be kind of difficult to get off."

"You're forgetting, vampire. I can have that off easily."

I chuckled, "sure, sure." I got up, grabbing my clothes as I headed to the bathroom. The shower was wonderful. I relished the feeling of the hot water and let it wash off all the dirt from yesterday and trekking through the woods today. I washed away all my stress and worry. I didn't mind the grief as much anymore. I didn't fight the stray tears that would fall from my eyes. The grief didn't feel like it was going to pull me under, but rather the soft cries felt cathartic as if I was expelling a tiny bit of the pain from my system.

* * *

The moment the door clicked behind Bella, I pulled out my phone and pressed speed dial three. The conversation we had in the truck disturbed me. When she said she didn't listen to music anymore because it reminded her of Edward, that sat with me wrong, but I wrote it off as just something that she had gone through after we left. But, then when I got up to the room I started by glancing at her books, seeing what was in her collection. At first I noted that she had a lot of Victorian classics and that she was missing some of the more modern classics like Steinbeck and Vonnegut. I was planning on some of the books that I would buy her to fill out her collection when I looked a little closer and noticed the layer of dust that was on all of her books. It was very fine. The books had a stale smell, as if none of them had been opened recently. I did another cursory glance of the room and found that her desk was similar. Everything about the room was untouched. I had never thought about what our departure, or more specifically Edward's had done to her. It worried me now more that she had been mumbling about her not being enough for Edward. I was hoping that Carlisle knew more about this than I did. If Edward had confided in anybody, it would have been our father.

"Hello, Jasper?" Carlisle's voice was instantly a calming force on me. I didn't even have to be in his presence to feel the effect. Everything about him was soothing and I needed that at the moment. Everything about Bella was making me feel like I was out of my skin. Her emotions ranged from amused to depressed and I never knew how she got there.

"Carlisle, did Edward ever say how he broke up with Bella?" I was careful to speak in a quick and soft voice, making sure that Bella couldn't hear me. I thought I should be fine as long as I could hear the shower running.

"He just told me that it was very hard on him and that he had to lie in order to get her to let him go. Why do you ask?" Carlisle's voice was thick with concern. Of course he would be.

"I think she is more messed up from him leaving than any of us ever thought. She was rambling earlier about how she had never been enough for Edward."

"When did she say this?" Carlisle sounded confused now.

"She went out to their clearing earlier to say goodbye to Edward and Alice. I followed her and we kind of got to talking. She blames herself for their death because she was the reason Edward left. I didn't know what that was about. And now she is talking about how she stopped listening to music after he left because it reminded her of Edward. Then I noticed that she hasn't touched her books in months." I realized a little too late that this implied that I was in her room now. He didn't question me on that though.

"You are going to have to talk to her and ask what happened."

"I won't know what to say to her. I think you should talk to her."

"No, I really think it should be you. You started this, so you should finish it. Not to mention you are probably the only one she will believe. If he had lied about loving her, you first hand knew Edward's emotions. You will be able to convince her that he did love her. Find out what happened since we left and make sure she knows we all care about her. We aren't leaving her. I think that is all you can do. Just be honest with her."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "I will. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Carlisle softly replied before he clicked the phone off.

I shut my own phone and placed it back into my jeans' pocket. The water in the bathroom was shut off as Bella finished up her shower. I looked around the room quickly and pulled up her desk chair to the side of the bed. I really didn't think it would be appropriate for me to be on the bed while she slept; besides that was Edward's place. It was going to be weird enough spending the night in the room with her without me being on her bed. I settled myself onto the wooden chair and waited for Bella to come back into the room, running my mind through what I needed to say to Bella.

A few minutes later Bella stepped in, her hair tied up messily. She was in a pair of sweats and a tank top. She looked like she was comfortable. She felt relief when she saw me still in the room. She smiled gently at me before walking over to the bed and crawling under the covers. I could feel her natural exhaustion and I knew at that moment that I would wait to talk to her tomorrow. Today had been filled with enough excitement. She put her arm out for me, her broken wrist still covered in my handiwork. I quickly unwrapped her wrist and crumpled the plastic before tossing it into her wastebasket next to her desk. I took her hand in mine and gently stroked the fingers that peaked out from the cast. Without any of my help her eyes started to droop and I knew she was drifting off into one of the first nights of restful sleep in a long time.

"Goodnight Jasper."

"Goodnight Bella."

I remembered that just yesterday I had thought it was insanely weird that Edward would sneak into Bella's room and watch her sleep. Well, I still thought it was odd that he snuck into the room without Bella's permission, but it was less weird the watching her sleep part. I never noticed how even and shallow a human's breath was when she was sleeping. Her eyes sometimes fluttered and she would toss in bed, throwing the blankets off of her. I would quickly push the blankets back on her to make sure she stayed warm.

Her talking in her sleep was also very interesting. I kept myself busy by trying to come up with what she was thinking of each time she said a name. What were her dreams about? Sometimes her emotions would be happy and sometimes they would be sad. There was no pattern with a name and emotion, so it made for a kind of fun guessing game. I kept track of how many times she said each of our names. Edward was by far the highest with nine times. Alice came in second with seven times. I was a respectable third with four times. Then there was Emmett in a distant fourth with one random shout out. I wish I could drink alcohol because I had a feeling this was the makings of a really good drinking game.

The sky started to lighten outside, but I could tell it was full of clouds. It would be overcast. I wouldn't be stuck inside today which was a good feeling. I wasn't necessarily looking forward to the night being over though. I still didn't know exactly what I was going to say to Bella, but I needed to know what had been going on since we were gone. What had she gone through?

Bella started to wake up and I knew I would have to face her soon enough. She stirred and slowly rose from her bed looking around the room confusedly before she met my eyes. "Mornin' _Isabella_."

"Good morning Jasper," she replied, yawning. She pushed the covers back and got out of the bed. "Excuse me for a few minutes while I get dressed."

"I'll go downstairs and wait for you. Charlie already left an hour ago," I told her easily, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable.

"Thanks."

I ran down the stairs and headed into the kitchen. Bella needed to eat. I don't think a human needed my vampire sight to notice the difference in Bella's weight. I looked around the kitchen, clueless as to what to make her. I honestly had no conception of human food besides what I bought daily at school. I usually just cycled through the choices, not giving much thought to what I was actually buying. I had no memory of human food either.

Well, I remembered Carlisle saying fruits and vegetables are good on various occasions, telling a patient to eat healthier. So, I took a glass bowl that had some apples and oranges in it and placed it over on the kitchen table. Then I glanced through a couple cupboards and found some cereal. Ah, I've seen numerous commercials about this stuff. So I grabbed a couple boxes, put them on the table so Bella had choices. I then went to the fridge and pulled out the milk for her as well. I actually felt very proud of creating such a lovely spread of food.

A few minutes later Bella came down the steps, stumbling onto the main floor. I shook my head at her clumsiness. The simplest acts were a trial for her. When she came into the kitchen and saw the table laden with food a warm feeling trickled through her body. "Thank you, Jasper. That's thoughtful of you. I don't know how hungry I am though."

I pulled a chair out from the table and motioned for her to sit down. "Try for me. You really need to eat. I don't think Carlisle is bluffing when he says he will put an IV in you if he feels it is necessary."

"You're probably right," Bella sighed, plopping herself down in the chair. She looked at her choices and paused for a second. I realized there was something missing from her place and I quickly ran over to the cupboards, trying to locate the one with the bowls. Once I had finally grabbed a bowl I knew I needed to now find a spoon. I zipped through the kitchen finding the silverware and snatching up a spoon. Bella was turned around in her chair and there was a hint of a smile in her eyes as she watched my search with amusement. I placed the objects in front of her and was rewarded with another thank you.

I sat down on the opposite side of the table, readying myself to watch for any hint of her picking at or hiding her food. She seemed to guess my purpose so she resolutely grabbed a box of cereal with the word Cheerio's emblazoned on the front. She shook out a bowlful of the contents before pouring some milk over the little circular bits. She ate a small spoonful, slowly chewing them. She seemed to decide that they weren't too bad before diving into them with more fervor. She probably had not realized how hungry she had been.

After she had finished eating she got up to put her dishes in the sink and put the cereals back in the cupboard. She turned to me as if asking what now?

"I was hoping we could talk, would that be okay?" I asked.

"Of course."

"Do you want to stay inside or we could go sit outside."

"Outside," she responded quickly.

I led the way outside and opted for a place about 30 feet into the woods. Although it was overcast, there were a few pockets of open sky that the sun could peek through. I didn't want to take any chances. I found a relatively smooth place free of ferns and sat down with my back against a tree. Bella did the same with a tree that was about four feet away.

"What do we need to talk about?" She asked nervously.

"I need to know what Edward said when he left and what has happened since then." I decided straightforward was the way to go.

"Why do you need to know that?"

"Because, we don't know how he broke up with you and you seem to have not gotten over that. How can you recover from Edward's death if you haven't even healed from when he left? I'm very concerned about you and I know the rest of the family feels the same way."

"I just don't know if I can do that. I don't like talking about it; in fact I actually actively try to block it."

"You can do it though," I encouraged her. "Come on, you ate that cereal and you didn't think you could."

Bella rolled her eyes at me. "Eating a bowl of cereal is not comparable to talking about the darkest period of my life."

"I guess not. But that doesn't change the fact that you can do it."

She hesitated for a few minutes but I didn't push her any more because I knew she would get there on her own. I knew with every fiber of my being that she was one of the strongest people I would ever know. She would get through this and I would help her anyway I could. I knew that right now that meant being patient with her.

"Where do I start?"

"Start after the party. We have no idea what happened after he decided that we would all leave. Alice and I left almost immediately by his request."

"Well, during the next couple of days Edward was distant. I felt like he was kind of pulling away, which I guess I now know he was," Bella smile ruefully. "He took me out to the woods, actually probably somewhere near here. He told me that he didn't love me anymore and that his kind got easily distracted. He said I would soon forget everything about him and I would continue on. Then he left me here. I tried to chase him but I ended up getting lost. I laid on the forest floor for hours before Sam Uley came and found me."

"So wait…" I was about to ask her about how Edward could leave her in the woods when she put up her hand up to stop me.

"Please, let me get this out. You can answer all the questions you want, but I think I just need to say it all in one go."

"I won't say a word," I agreed.

"The next week or two I don't really remember. I barely left my bed. The only thing that got me out of it was that my mom came and threatened to take me back to Phoenix. I couldn't have that because it would be like he didn't exist. He already took the pictures and the cd he made for me. The next part was the zombie phase."

"I was lifeless for months. I went through the motions of everyday life, but that was all I had the energy for. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I spent all my time either cooking for Charlie or doing my homework. My life was empty. However, a couple of months ago Charlie had no more of it and threatened to have my mother come back up here if I didn't start snapping out of it. So that's what I did. I tried hanging out with my friends again and that ended badly. I ended up in with Jessica in Port Angeles where I approached a group of drunk men because when I got near them I heard Edward's voice in my head."

I couldn't help it. I was about to speak at that. I wanted to know more about this hearing voices in the head bit. My life was a weird one. At least we vampires had an excuse for our peculiarities, but what was Bella's excuse? When Bella made a face at me though I let her continue.

"Life got a little rocky after that but I ended up hanging out with my friend Jacob. He helped a lot. Whenever I was around him I felt like things might be okay. He helped make me feel whole again. He was a stopper for the hole in my heart. He was making me happy. Then he left too."

"What the fuck?" Damn my mouth. Bella was looking at me like I had a horn coming out of my head. I usually had a tight control on my language, but this was too much. What the hell had this woman gone? When she glared at me I pressed my lips together tightly.

She took a deep breath before continuing on. "He started to change and hang out with a group of people that I thought were in a gang. He couldn't talk to me. I felt horrible again. I didn't think I could recover. Luckily Jake came back to me and tried to explain his secret to me. He had to do it in a really round about manner, but I found out that he was a werewolf. He had changed and now he was a part of this pack. I saw them before he told me when Laurent found me in mine and Edward's meadow. Laurent told me that he was working with Victoria and he was going to kill me when the wolves came and rescued me."

"Finally, he told me that there was another vampire lurking around, a female. I figured it was Victoria and sure enough she is trying to get me. I guess the final thing that happened before Alice showed up was me jumping off the cliff in La Push and Jake rescued me once again. That's my story." She let out a deep breath, finishing up. Tears started to slowly trail down her face and she let herself collapse in on herself, wrapping her arms around her legs that were pulled up to her chest. She rested her chin on top of her knees and looked at me.

"Wait, Victoria is back and she is after you?"

"Yes," she mumbled.

"You knew this and decided to go out on your own to ride your motorcycle? You also didn't feel like it was important to tell us this before Carlisle said it was okay for you to go traipsing about in the forest by yourself?"

"You would know all of this if you guys hadn't left. Is it my responsibility to tell you everything you missed while you were gone?" She spat out angrily. "Anyways, the wolves said they had it under control."

"I wouldn't trust a pack of immature werewolves with a creature like Victoria. She is cunning and dangerous."

"So you and your family should risk your lives trying to stop her?"

"We are more prepared than a bunch of teenagers. So yes we should."

Bella crossed her arms obstinately, clearly not agreeing with my sentiment but did not continue the argument. I knew she hadn't dropped the subject yet. She was stubborn and would find a way to come back to this.

"I guess the next obvious question is what were you doing jumping off the cliff?"

"I was trying to hear Edward's voice. I was not trying to commit suicide."

"Okay, well that brings me to my next question. You hear Edward's voice in your head? Like he is talking to you?"

"Yes. I figured out that if I did something stupid and dangerous, I could hear Edward's voice. He always sounded so angry but I didn't care. I didn't want to forget him and it was how I was going to keep his voice vivid. It was all I had left."

That's when something clicked in my head. "Is that what you were doing the other day with the motorcycle? Trying to listen to his voice?"

"Yes. I thought it was the only way left that I had that I could hear him. Maybe if I heard him then he really wasn't dead. So I took the motorcycle which was pretty much an almost guaranteed way of hearing his voice."

"Did you hear him?" I asked slowly. I thought I already knew the answer to this though when I remembered the disappointment she had felt at the time.

"No. It was the first time that I think I really realized that Edward was not coming back. He was gone for good."

"I had that moment too. I went back to the house the other day to change my clothes and take a shower. When I got to my room I finally realized that it was no longer our room but my room." I admitted.

"So, I'm not completely crazy?"

I couldn't help myself before saying sarcastically, "Well, I wouldn't go as far to say that. I still don't hear Alice's voice."

She rolled her eyes at me and there was a little bit of annoyance rising in her. I decided it would probably for the best to change the subject. "Well, I guess the final thing to talk about is Edward's goodbye. Did you really believe that he didn't love you?"

"Of course. I had always been waiting for this to happen. I knew the day would come when he would realize how plain I was in comparison to him and that there was little I brought to the relationship. We always felt off balance and it was just a matter of time before he moved on to something that held his interest more."

It was amazing, but Bella truly believed what she was saying. Her emotions did not show any bit of dishonesty. "Bella none of that is true."

"What?" She asked, disbelieving. She searched my face for traces that I was joking or lying.

"I can say with all honesty that I knew Edward's emotions better than anyone, even better than himself. I am not lying to you when I say that he loved you more than anything. That is why he left. He honestly thought that we were all a danger to you and that he couldn't risk your life anymore to keep you with him. I have to apologize again that it was me that confirmed his own worst conclusions about us. I am truly sorry that he broke up with you like that. I can't believe he lied so blatantly to you. I can't believe that you didn't think he was telling the truth. After all the time you two had spent together and all the time that he said he loved you, you actually thought that he had fallen out of love with you?"

Bella nodded. "Of course I did. I don't know if I ever believed it to begin with. It had all seemed like a dream and I didn't feel like I deserved him. The whole conversation was just a confirmation of what I had always thought was true."

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. How could she be so blind to herself? I remember saying something to her when we had been about to go on the run from James. I had told her that she was worth it. I remember at the time, and now it was put into even sharper relief, that she didn't believe that. I honestly had no idea what I could possibly say to her in order to get her to believe me. I wasn't sure that I could, but maybe eventually with time I could help her see herself more clearly.

"I know you don't believe me, and that's fine. Someday I will make you see that you are an amazing human and that you are worth all of the trouble you cause. Edward loved you. He truly did. He wouldn't have gone to Volterra if he didn't."

Bella looked at me disbelieving, but I wasn't sure she would be convinced unless Edward said the words himself, even that wasn't guaranteed. But, I felt the tiniest bit of doubt in her and I knew I had sewn that seed in her. Maybe it would grow within her and that would be my job to tend to that.

"I just have to say one final thing, and this dreadful conversation is over. You are the strongest person I know. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. You have an amazing resilience in you. I am not sure I could say that I would have done the same. Honestly, I wouldn't have blamed you if you had jumped off the cliff to end your misery. I am truly sorry and I know that you have gone through so much, but I hope that we can help you through some of this in anyway that we can. All of us are here for you, even Rosalie."

"Thank you Jasper. That means a lot to me."

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke. "I need to talk to the family about some of the stuff you told me, specifically the news about Victoria and the wolves. However, Carlisle doesn't get off work for a couple of hours. What do you want to do until then? I'll do anything you want."

Bella contemplated this before speaking. "You just feel sorry for me and are trying to make me feel better. What if I said I wanted to go sky diving?"

"I've been twice, once with a parachute, once without."

"How were you able to go without a parachute?" She asked incredulously.

"Well, Emmett actually got his piloting license."

"Remind me never to agree to go flying with Emmett."

"No problem. So really, what do you want to do?"

"Do you want to watch a movie and relax?"

"Sounds good." I stood up and held my hand out to help her up. She took it without hesitation and I led her out of the woods back to the house.

* * *

"I'm right now going to veto Red Dawn. Emmett is obsessed with that movie and I have seen it way too many times."

"That's fine with me. That is one of my dad's movies. I want to watch something mindless." We both were gazing at the small movie collection that my dad and I had, trying to pick one out.

"How about a James Bond movie?" Jasper suggested.

"Sure, go ahead and pick one out."

"You should go get yourself a snack."

"I'm not hungry."

"For me, give it a try."

"Fine," I grumbled as I stalked into the kitchen and rooted around for something to eat. I stumbled across a half eaten bag of carrot sticks. I grabbed them and headed back into the front room where Jasper was sitting on the couch with the remote in hand. The Goldfinger dvd menu was currently lighting up the tv screen. I sat down next to Jasper on the couch, placing the bag of carrots in my lap.

"Ready?" Jasper asked, remote poised in hand ready to push play.

I nodded my head and soon enough we were watching the parental warning. Jasper glanced down at the bag of carrots and then up at me. I gave him a look as I took a carrot and quickly popped into my mouth, making a point of biting it loudly. Pleased, he turned his attention back to the screen. I really wanted to keep Jasper happy so I continued to munch on the carrots as the opening credits started. I polished off the carrots and threw the bag on the coffee table before settling back into the couch.

My eyes glazed over slightly as I only half took in the plot of the movie. There was a beautiful woman and some shooting, that was all I knew for sure. I kept thinking back to the way my life had changed so much over such a short period of time. I thought of Edward, whether or not he would enjoy this movie. Maybe he had seen all of the James Bond movies and was a big fan. Maybe he thought they were beneath him and had refused to watch any of them. Then as the main girl came on in a very form fitting outfit I thought of Alice and how much I wish she was here to criticize my fashion sense. I would give anything to hear her disapproving voice while she tried to force me into an all too frilly outfit.

I think Jasper started to notice my drifting attention. He pulled a small pillow from behind him and placed it on his lap, patting it. I settled my head on the pillow, stretching out along the couch. He took a throw blanket from the back of the couch and draped it across me gently, before turning back to the movie. He started to idly run his hand over my head, smoothing down my hair. It was immensely soothing as I drifted back to my daydreaming. I thought about Edward some more, but for the first time I could think of some of the happy memories of him. I remembered the time we stayed in bed all day and read Austen. Then there was the day that Alice and I went to Seattle together. Yes she dragged me to some clothing stores, but then we also we also went to the movies and then to the top of the Space Needle.

My eyes drooped and I couldn't believe I was tired after all the sleeping I had done. There was nothing that had been stopping me from sleeping since there was no school. School. Wait. "What day is it?" I spoke suddenly.

"Sunday," Jasper replied easily.

Oh my God. School started up tomorrow. I couldn't go back to school. There was no way I could deal with all the gossip and then be forced to pay attention in class.

"Bella? What is it?" Jasper's voice was concerned. "Breathe Bella."

I realized I was on my way to hyperventilating. I had been in my own world this last week that I had forgot about the existence of everything else. "I don't know if I can do school tomorrow. It's too much," I confessed, twisting my hands together.

He reached out and settled his hand on mine, but he didn't manipulate my emotions in any way. He just meant the gesture as reassuring. "You don't have to go to school if you don't want. Charlie told Carlisle that you were only a few classes from graduation. Carlisle suggested that Esme homeschool you if you wanted. She has an education degree and can help you graduate."

This information slowly settled into my brain. The Cullens were truly trying to take care of me. I appreciated that more than ever how much they did love me, even if they had left. They were trying to make up for what happened. The idea of Esme helping me finish up my degree made me feel calm. "She can teach me? I didn't know she had a degree in teaching."

Jasper started to run his thumb in soothing circles on my hand, still not using his power though to help me continue to relax. "Yeah, the family staid in Ellensburg a few years back while she got her degree in education. She got certified to teach elementary school and high school English."

"But isn't the eastside pretty sunny?"

"Yeah. It's almost the exact opposite weather than over here on the peninsula. She took night classes and Carlisle worked the graveyard shift in the ER. It was kind of a weird two years. It was the first time I really felt like a vampire, going out only at night. But it was nice. I liked it over there. It reminded me a little of Texas."

"Texas? Is that where you are from?" It shocked me but now that I thought about it I had no idea where Jasper was from. I knew everybody else's story, well only a vague recount of Rosalie's. But, I had never heard anything about Jasper's past. It had always seemed Edward was reluctant to talk about it and I obviously thought it was too rude to ask anybody else.

"Yeah, I'm from the South," his voice slipped into a southern drawl and it shocked me. "Is it that surprising that I'm from the south?" He asked, amused.

"Well, I don't know. I just never really pictured you from a particular place. You just seem so much like a vampire, that it was hard for me to picture you as human. I asked Edward once or twice about your past but he was always hesitant about telling me about it."

Jasper frowned slightly. "That's probably for the best. I don't have a happy past."

Well, now of course my curiosity was peaked. "Will you tell me about it?"

Jasper looked down at me, staring at me intensely as if sizing me up. "I don't know. Maybe, but just not today."

"Okay," I replied casually, not wanting to pester him, although I was dead curious. He could probably feel the curiosity coming off of me in palpable waves. But I didn't say anything further and turned my attention back to the movie. "I have no idea what is going on."

"Bond is about to save the day by doing something exceedingly amazing with a device Q gave him," Jasper spoke dryly.

"Why would you pick a movie that you didn't like?" I asked, wondering about the contempt that was in his voice.

"I don't know. It amuses me," Jasper shrugged. "Carlisle should be home by now. Do you want to come with me to the house?"

"Do I have a choice?" I wondered out loud.

"Sure, but I am only looking out for your safety by wanting you to come with me. With Victoria and wolves wondering about, I really think it would be best if you were with one of us at all times. Not to mention, I'm sure Esme would be happy to hear that you will be taking her up on her offer of teaching you."

"The wolves wouldn't hurt me."

"Not intentionally, but they are dangerous from what I heard Edward tell me about them."

I flinched a little at his name, but it didn't hurt as much as usual. That has to be an improvement. "Well, he was wrong. Jake and the rest of the pack protected me." Anger was slowly rising up in me as Jasper did not seem to be taking what I was saying seriously.

"Well, somebody should have been there protecting you from them."

"Maybe you're right, but since everybody else seemed to have left me, they were all I had left. They were the only ones who were sticking by me. That's more than I can say about certain other people," I spat out.

I now had Jasper's full attention as his eyes bored into my own. They were cold and hard. They actually scared me a little. But then after a second, his eyes softened and his body relaxed a little. "I'm sorry. You are right. We should have been there and I can't blame you for filling the space that we left behind. But it is just your luck that you would make friends with the resident wolves after the vampires leave town."

I knew I should be annoyed at that comment, but Jasper was truly repentant, I could feel him sending that emotion. I really didn't want to fight with him. "It was a shock to me as well. Next thing I'll find out about is the fairies that live outside in the woods."

"Wait, you know about them?" Jasper mocked.

I chuckled slightly, and that feeling of release was such a relief. I hadn't come close to laughing this last week. Sure it wasn't a true laugh that I was used to, but the chuckle felt nice. I was so thankful for Jasper at that moment. I rushed forward and hugged him tightly, well as tight as I could, considering I was still almost a foot shorter than him. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me close. A small sense of peace bubbled deep within me. It wasn't enough to outweigh the ever present grief and sadness, but it gave me something to hope for.


	6. Move Along

_When all you gotta keep is strong_   
_Move along, move along_   
_Like I know you do_   
_And even when your hope is gone_   
_Move along, move along_   
_Just to make it through_   
_Move along_

-Move Along by The All-American Rejects

**Chapter Six**

I let Jasper drive my truck again. He drove lazily through town, not pushing the speed limit at all. I appreciated that more than I could say. I also knew Charlie would approve. Charlie had called me during his lunch break to check in on me. I told him I would be heading to the Cullens for a few hours and he seemed happy that I was getting out of the house.

As we pulled up through the drive, it was shocking to see how much the house had changed in the last week. The lawn was back to its meticulous state and the house looked lived in. Curtains were pulled back to let in the light in. There was a small break in the clouds that allowed the sun to peak out.

I glanced over again to see Jasper's skin glitter softly. His bare arms though looked different than the other vampires I had seen. The sparkles seemed to refract at the light in different directions. His skin was marred with small marks that I could not completely discern from underneath the shining. I had never been close enough to his skin in good light to ever notice anything before. I couldn't keep my eyes from his arms. I realized that I was staring rather rudely but he pretended not to notice. I knew he did and I wondered why he didn't explain it to me. Was it something to be ashamed of? Maybe he thought it was ugly. I thought it looked interesting. I wanted to study the patterns and find some meaning in them, but I knew I couldn't. So I had settled for glancing at his arms, and neck.

After the truck stopped I shoved the door open, jumping out lightly. Jasper came up beside me and we walked up to the house side by side. As we walked in, the family trickled into the foyer at human speed. Carlisle came in first, his face very serious, although he tried to look relaxed. "How is your arm doing?"

"It's okay. A little sore, but otherwise its okay." My eyes followed as Emmett and Rosalie walked down the stairs, with Esme close behind.

"Good to hear that." Carlisle gave Jasper a significant look.

Jasper turned to me, as if I couldn't see their look. "Bella, I need to talk to the family about what you told me. Why don't you go hang out upstairs?"

"I fixed up one of the guest bedrooms for you," Esme told me, coming up to put an arm around me. "Why don't I take you upstairs to show it to you quickly?"

I looked around at everybody. They were looking at me expectantly. I felt like I was being sent to my room like a child while the adults had a very important conversation. I knew I should be more indignant at this, but I really didn't feel like retelling the story of the last six months. I would let Jasper do that for me. So I didn't protest as Esme put her arm around me and led me up the stairs. She took me through the third door on the second floor.

It was a beautiful room that I instantly felt at home in. Esme's gift for decorating would never cease to amaze me. The walls were a pale blue with crème accents. There was a double bed with a plain oak frame. A matching oak desk was next to the bed, in front of the window. Covering the walls were bookshelves packed with what looked like old and new volumes. In the corner were two oversized chairs with a small table between them and a lamp. It was the perfect reading area.

"Oh Esme, it's beautiful. I love it."

"I'm glad you like it," Esme replied enthusiastically in her natural soft voice. "I wanted to make it a place away from home that you were comfortable with. I also wanted to make it a place you could study if you opted to be homeschooled. I don't know if you were told about that."

"Jasper told me earlier. I would love it if you would teach me; I really don't like the idea of going back to school right now.

"That's quite understandable. We can talk about what you need to cover later and figure out the details. Will you be okay up here?"

I nodded my head in response. I looked at Esme and saw that her eyes held a similar sadness as the rest of the Cullens. It was hard to see. Esme smiled at me softly and leaned forward, kissing my forehead. Her cool lips felt nice on my skin. For a second I thought I had Jasper's powers because I cold have sworn I could feel the actual love coming off of her in waves. But, Esme was just that transparent about her affection. She did not hide anything.

She turned around and flitted out of the room. I took in my surroundings. My first thought was that the room was comfortable. I felt it was a sanctuary away from the rest of the world. My room at Charlie's had so many reminders still of Edward, but this room was a fresh start. I could make my own memories in here. I stepped forward and examined the book shelves. There were both my favorite Victorian classics, but there were newer books that looked interesting. I skimmed the title seeing modern classics, sci-fi books, and memoirs. There were so many to choose from. Of Mice and Men stood out to me so I picked the thin volume off the shelf. It was nice and worn, the book obviously read numerous times before. I took it over to one of the chairs and settled myself in, trying not to think about the conversation that was going on downstairs.

* * *

The family all took seats around the table. I thought we would just be talking about the information I had learned this morning from Bella. But the look that Carlisle gave me made me think that there was something even more important to discuss. It made me nervous. Carlisle's calm demeanor was completely gone. He was filled with concern which did nothing to abate my fears. None of the others seemed to know what was going on but they noticed the mood in the room. Carlisle was sitting in his usual chair at the head of the table. There was a seat empty next to him that we were waiting for Esme to fill. I sat down on Carlisle's other side. Rosalie was sitting next to the empty seat reserved for Esme and Emmett was sitting next to her. I couldn't help but notice the people that were missing from the table, but I tried to push those feelings aside as I knew there were more important things to focus on, such as wolves running about and Victoria hunting Bella down.

We all turned our heads expectantly as we heard Esme's light steps reach the dining room. She took her seat next to Carlisle and we looked at each other waiting as if wondering who was going to start.

"I think Jasper, you should start. My news I think is contingent on what you have to tell us about Bella and how she is doing."

I was even more curious as to how what I had to say could affect what Carlisle was going to say. However, I took a deep breath and started to tell Bella's story from the beginning. For the most part my audience was very attentive. Emmett swore under his breath numerous times, especially when he heard about how Laurent threatened Bella. What was most surprising was Rosalie's growls that were elicited by what Edward said when he left Bella in the woods.

"So, now Victoria is after Bella?" Esme's voice shook with emotion.

"Yes, it would seem. The wolves have been keeping Bella safe and watching out for her according to Bella, but I really think one of us should be running patrols out in the woods at all time. Also, I think that you, Carlisle should get in contact with the tribe."

"I'll call them to set up a meeting between us tonight. As for what Bella has had to go through over the last couple months, well it is unthinkable. I honestly knew that us leaving would be difficult but I could never imagine how deeply it would affect her."

"I knew we shouldn't have left. I told you it would end badly," Emmett butted in.

"Well, that does us no good now," Carlisle spoke authoritatively. "We need to be supportive of Bella. God knows we are all going through a difficult time, but we should try to keep a close eye on her."

"She is actually doing better than expected. Her despair that had been with her the last week is gone. She is by no means okay, but I can tell she will make it through all of this," I told the group.

"She is stronger than any of us ever gave her credit for," Rosalie quietly added, not looking up from her hands that were folded on the table.

"Her strength is going to be tested even further. I got a call from the Volturi an hour ago," Carlisle revealed.

There was a stunned silence in the room for a full minute. Nobody knew what to say at first. The first response was Rosalie's growl. "Have they explained their killing of Alice and Edward yet?"

"They sent their condolences, explaining that Edward had broken the law by revealing himself and it was what he wanted anyways. Alice tried to attack one of the guards supposedly. I wonder if she just refused to join the Volturi." Carlisle mused.

"Is that all they had to say," I asked. It did not seem like the Volturi to just call out of nowhere to send their condolences for a murder that they committed.

"No, they said that when Edward had come to them, he had mentioned his and Bella's story. The Volturi are now concerned that there is a human that knows the existence of vampires. Initially Aro wanted Bella to be either turned or killed right away and they would send members of the guard to observe it."

This time I couldn't contain the growl that came out of me. "That is ridiculous."

"I was able to talk them into giving Bella a year. I told them she wasn't ready to become a vampire yet because she still had to graduate from high school and such. I thought that would buy us some time while we decide what to do. I'm not going to force Bella to be changed but if it is truly something she wants I'm not going to stand in her way. If she doesn't want to be changed because of losing Edward then I will protect her."

"We all will protect her," Rosalie chimed in firmly.

Everybody nodded in agreement, looking at each other as if to dare somebody to not agree with Rosalie.

"Well, since that is decided should we tell her right away or should we give her some time?" Carlisle directed his question towards me.

"I think we should tell her now. She really would not appreciate us keeping something from her. She doesn't want to be treated like a child."

"Will you come up with me to be with her while I tell her? I want you there just in case she needs to be calmed down."

I followed Carlisle as he rose from the table. He first pulled out his phone and called information to get the Black's phone number. He was connected within a minute and spoke softly into the phone. "Hello, is Jacob at home? Thank you." There was a pause as Jacob came on the phone. "Jacob? Hi, this is Carlisle Cullen. We talked with Bella about what has happened over the last six months and my family would like to meet with you to discuss what to do with Victoria." There was a gruff response, but I couldn't make out the words. "We can meet at the treaty line near the main road. There will be four of us while my wife stays with Bella to watch over her." There seemed to be some sort of agreement from Jacob because Carlisle said a thank you before hanging up the phone.

"Lets go up and talk to Bella," Carlisle spoke and headed up to the second floor. I followed him. He paused at the cracked door and knocked softly. He waited for her to announce that we could enter before opening the door.

Bella was curled up in an overstuffed chair with Of Mice and Men. It was my copy of it. She closed the book as we walked in. Carlisle took the other chair by her and I came over and stood at a distance behind Carlisle. Bella was exuding calm and curiosity. That bubble was about to be burst, much like everything else in Bella's life.

"Bella, there is something important that I must discuss with you. I received word from the Volturi," Carlisle spoke quickly to just get it out.

"What did they want?" Bella's voice was strained with concern.

"They first wanted to send their apologies for upholding the law they feel is so important."

Bella was speechless at this. True ire rose to the surface, but it seemed that Bella could not find words to match her feelings. Carlisle took this as a sign to continue on. "Aro also conveyed his concern that there was a human that knew of our existence. The bottom line is he gave us a year to turn you into a vampire or they would have to kill you. Now, I know that this is a difficult decision to make for you. If you do not want to be changed then we will protect you from them. You are a part of this family and I personally vow to keep you safe."

"I can't have you or any of the family put into danger because of me. I would happily become a vampire to keep the family safe."

"But to become a vampire should not be something you feel forced into doing, but something you want," Carlisle argued. "I doubt you could possibly want eternal life at this moment and that is why I refuse to get an answer from you. Jasper felt that we should tell you the truth but that doesn't mean you have to make a choice now."

Bella, who had been entirely focused on Carlisle this entire time, turned her gaze up at me. She locked eyes with me but did not speak. She didn't need words to convey her gratitude to me and she knew it. Instead she seemed to focus on her thankfulness and let that fill her, ensuring that I would feel it. I nodded my head very slightly for her to see.

"We are going to have to meet with the wolves later. We have to discuss boundaries and patrols to watch out for Victoria."

"I want to come," Bella immediately responded. I should have assumed she would want to be there. I really didn't want her around young werewolves who were near vampires, their sworn enemies.

"I don't know if that is going to be the best idea," Carlisle spoke. "Werewolves and vampires do not get along well and this meeting will be difficult enough without a human there to make things more complicated. It would make things easier if you weren't there."

"Fine," Bella accepted, surprisingly easy. Where was the stubborn Bella who wouldn't give in?

"I can take you home if you want before the meeting," I offered.

"You are going?" Bella's eyes pierced me. I felt concern coming from her.

"Don't worry. We are all going, except Esme. She will keep watch while we are talking to the pack."

"That's fine. I'll keep my window open for her and she can come in if she wants."

"She'll be happy to hear that," Carlisle responded.

Bella sat up from the chair she was sitting in and moved as if to put the book she had been reading back on the shelf. "You can take it with you if you want."

"Really?" She asked.

"These books are all yours."

"Thank you so much," Bella told us as she hugged the book to her chest. "I think I'm ready to go home now. I really need to start making Charlie's dinner."

"I'll take you home then," I spoke softly to Bella. Without really thinking I walked over to Bella and put my hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the house. I caught Carlisle's eyes as we left. A half smile graced Carlisle's features. There was a small amount of peace that Carlisle felt on top of his grief and concern. I returned his smile with my own weak one as I led Bella out to the truck. We said our goodbyes to the rest of the family before getting in the truck.

The cab was filled with silence. Bella's feelings were a mess. Her emotions were all over the spectrum so there was little I could decipher about what she was thinking. I was tempted to send her some calming vibes to give her and me some peace from her strong emotions. But, I realized that she needed to work her way through this naturally. This day had been long and she had a lot to take in. She would need to come to terms with it on her own. I could be here for her in a natural way, but I shouldn't use my powers on her, at least not at the moment.

We arrived at her house. The driveway was still empty of Charlie's car. I darted around the truck and helped Bella out of the truck and led her to her house. "Will you keep me company while I make up Charlie's dinner?"

"Of course," I answered simply, glad to be invited in. I would have kept my distance while doing patrols around her house if she didn't want me to come in. I still didn't know how much she trusted me but at the moment I didn't want to leave her alone, and if I was going to be completely honest with myself, I didn't want to be by myself. With Bella there were moments where the grief I felt was manageable. I could focus on her safety and well-being with part of my attention, instead of my sole focus being my overwhelming grief of Alice. Also, if I was going to continue being honest, Bella was a fascinating creature. I never thought ill of Bella and I knew she was a good person, but I had no idea how complex she was.

I followed her into the house as she moved to the kitchen. She started by searching through the cupboards and fridge. I suspected that she had no idea what kind of food Charlie had stocked in the house. She hadn't really eaten since she had gotten back and thus had no use for any of this. She paused after inspecting each space in the kitchen and leaned against the counter, crossing her arms across her chest and letting out a heavy sigh.

I stood in the entranceway to the kitchen, still not completely comfortable in her space. "Is there nothing suitable to eat?"

"Not if I want to eat Top Ramen or Hamburger Helper."

Those names meant nothing to me. "Are those not good?" I asked.

"Since I'm neither a college student nor a bachelor they aren't the greatest choices. They are actually not that bad, it's just I'm actually hungry and I am craving a home-cooked meal."

"I can take you to the store if you want?" I offered without thinking about it.

Bella hesitated a moment before responding. "Sure, let me just get my wallet."

I was about to insist that I pay, when I remembered that she always had a problem accepting gifts or charity in any way. I didn't want to offend her. I never did understand why she was so unwilling to accept anything from us. It was hard not to speak up though because it went against my nature. A southern gentleman would never have a woman pay for something, but I really couldn't think of any way around it. Maybe in the future I would be able to test that boundary with her, but for now I didn't want to upset her in any way, especially since she was going to willingly cook and eat. It was such a relief for me to know that I wouldn't have to bully her into eating again.

Going to the store was an interesting experience. I actually had never stepped foot into one before. I had never had a reason to. Esme or Edward always did all the shopping for the food for Bella and since I didn't eat, I hadn't gone into a supermarket before. Bella grabbed a basket from a pile for her groceries. I may not be able to pay for her, but by God I was not going to do nothing for her. I gently reached over and swiftly took the basket from her grasp and held it tightly in my hand opposite her.

She glared at me. "I can hold my own basket, thank you very much."

"I wasn't implying that you couldn't. It's just what a gentleman would do."

Her expression softened slightly, but she didn't stop her retort, "What? Stealing it from my hands?"

"Exactly." Although I gave her credit on that reply, I didn't tell her that.

We walked slowly through the store, picking up what looked like random items to me. There were some fresh vegetables in the basket now, pork chops, and a loaf of French bread. She continued down an aisle with a lot of colorful cans before picking a few out and tossing them lightly into the basket. A few more additions to the basket later and we were standing, waiting to check out. The friendly checkout girl rang up all the items and hit the total button. Bella handed the woman a twenty and it took all my strength to not shove Bella aside and swipe one of the numerous credit cards that seemed to be burning a hole in my pants. But, I was able to control myself and I took the bags from the counter as the check out girl was still handing Bella back her change.

Bella did not say or do anything this time as I held all the bags. We walked through the parking lot and I plopped the bags in the bed of the truck. Bella climbed through the driver's side door and sat down in the driver's seat. It was my turn to give her a meaningful look.

"I want to drive," she stated simply.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Bella's driving; I was just actually disappointed to not be able to drive the truck. It reminded me of simpler times. However, I knew it would just look like I was being overprotective of her. I didn't want that. I didn't want her to feel suffocated, so I tossed her the keys through the open window before going around to get into the passenger seat.

"Thank you."

"It's your truck, Bella. Nothing to thank me about."

She didn't respond to this, but I felt a wave of grief wash over her along with a small sense of guilt. She didn't try to squash the feelings like she normally did, nor did the feelings overwhelm her. She seemed to accept them and let them be. Her emotions were no longer immobilizing. She could continue to function which had to be a good sign.

We got back to the house and she went straight to the kitchen and started banging around; taking out pans, chopping food, and throwing things into the oven. It was an interesting process. It seemed like an awfully lot of work to just eat some food. I would take hunting deer any day, much simpler and way more fun.

Charlie walked in just as Bella started setting the table. "Mmm, what is that smell?" Charlie's emotions were immensely surprised and hopeful. I imagine this was a major improvement to the Bella he had seen recently.

"I thought I would make us some pork chops," Bella called from the kitchen.

Charlie hung up his belt by the door and took his jacket off. He started to walk towards the kitchen and then he stopped in mid-step when he saw me standing awkwardly right outside of the kitchen. His eyes squinted together, as if measuring me up. "You're Jasper Hale, right?"

I straightened and stepped forward, offering my hand out to him. I was kind of curious how much he knew about me and my relationship with the rest of the family, specifically with Alice. "That's right, sir."

"I'm sorry to hear about your loss." Pity was oozing from every pore of his body and I no longer had to wonder if he knew about me and Alice. However, he was polite enough to not mention it specifically.

"Thank you, sir. It's been rough on all of us. I was just over visiting Bella."

He studied the situation and I could tell he was connecting my presence with the change in Bella. He seemed pleased with this. "You are more than welcome over here any time. Are you going to stay for dinner?"

Before I could respond, Bella answered for me. "Yes, he is. He was just telling me how hungry he was."

I shot a quick inquisitive look towards Bella. Her eyes were glinting mischievously. I didn't know what she was up to.

Charlie seemed pleased and sat down at the table. Bella placed a final pan on the table before joining her father. Bella motioned for me to sit across from her, so I did, not able to refuse her. I think she knew that. Well, I can just take a small portion, I thought to myself. However, that plan was immediately foiled when Bella took my plate and started heaping large amounts of food on it. I had no idea what she was doing. She placed the plate in front of me and I gave her a questioning look. She just smiled in response.

I started to pick at the food hesitantly, not sure really what to do. Charlie luckily was not paying that close attention to me, so I was able to push some of the food quickly into the napkin that was on my lap. Bella chuckled into her food as she kept eyeing me. If it weren't for her amusement, I might actually be annoyed with the charade. However, it was so nice to hear her giggle softly and there was a small amount of lightness in her emotions throughout dinner. I wouldn't take that away from her.

Finally, I was able to discard enough of the food on my plate as to not look suspicious. Charlie wouldn't have really cared anyways, because he just kept looking at Bella in amazement, It was easy to see and feel that he had been extremely worried about the mental state of Bella. But, today, she looked like she might pull through this after all. She was by no means better, but one could see that there was maybe some hope for her and by extension, me as well.

Charlie stood up and took his plate into the kitchen. I followed suit, bringing in a couple of the pans as well, trying to hide my napkin that had all my food stored in it. Bella dropped off her dishes in the sink. I went forward and started to fill the sink with hot soapy water. Charlie walked back into the living room and I heard the sports channel being turned on. Bella stood next to me leaning against the counter. "How do you know how to wash dishes?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Somebody had to wash all of those dishes you used at our house."

"There were not that many dirty dishes and I offered to clean them but Esme refused to let me, saying that I was a guest."

"Well, that's a likely excuse," I joked, smiling at her. "While we are talking, what was with you making me eat dinner?"

Bella giggled which made my smile widen. "I just wanted to see what you would do. I have never caught a vampire by surprise. Edward and Alice would always speak up too quickly and get out of dinner. It was funny; I have never seen a vampire look so confused."

"I'm glad I can provide you with so much amusement," I replied sarcastically, although I kind of meant it for real.

* * *

Jasper had been pleasant for dinner and had even cleaned up afterwards. Then he sat with Charlie and discussed the prospects for the Mariners this season, apparently it wasn't good because of some recent player trades. I sat with them in the front room but I was continuing to read my book. I knew that my feigning interest in sports would be useless since nobody would believe me.

For the first time in a while I was able to stay up past 9 pm. Usually I passed out restlessly before that, but Jasper's gift had given me such great, restful sleep that I did not feel the need to collapse in exhaustion. I felt tired, but in a normal way. It was a great feeling. I had taken a nice long shower and got into my comfiest pair of sweats and a soft tank top. I dried my hair quickly and reentered my room where Jasper was waiting. He was currently staring at a shelf with my books and cds on it.

"Why haven't you listened to music recently?"

"Like I told you yesterday I haven't felt like listening to music in a while," I answered non-committedly, trying to avoid the question. Jasper seemed to see through this.

"Listening to music is something you just do, not because you feel like it. It can heighten good moods, or help you shake off negative emotions."

"It didn't do that." I paused, feeling kind of stupid and very exposed. But I guess that wasn't any different than anything else that had happened lately. "Music only served as a reminder of _him_. We listened to most of that together and talked about it."

"Is it all music or is it just the stuff you listened to with Edward?"

"Mostly stuff that I listened to Edward, which was a lot of music."

"But not all music," I pointed out, feeling pleased at finding a loophole. "Looking at your music library and knowing what Edward listens to that covers most classical music, alternative rock, and acoustic rock. That leaves tons of other music that you can listen to. I will make you some mix cds of other music you can try out."

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know if this would work, but I wasn't going to say no to Jasper. Maybe other kinds of music would be better. "You can try," I told him as I crawled into bed.

Jasper came over and sat down at the edge of the bed by my legs. He put his hand over my broken hand, soothing it. "How are you doing? You have had a lot to process today."

I studied Jasper's face and it was interesting because it was unusual to see concern and kindness grace his features. He was far from cold and mean, but for the most part he had kept his distance from me and was impassive. Now he was not hiding his emotions at all and it made me feel protected to know that he genuinely cared about me instead of feeling obligated to comfort his dead wife's friend.

Jasper took my silence as being worried. "It's going to be okay. We won't let anything happen to you."

Suddenly, Esme came through the window lightly. "Everybody is waiting outside to meet with the pack, Jasper."

I saw Jasper's eyes move back and forth between me and the window a couple of times. It was as if he was struggling between something. He stiffened a little as if coming to a decision. "Okay, well I should get going."

It finally hit me that he was going to be gone. He had only stayed with me now for a little over 24 hours but I liked him near. "Will you come back after the meeting is done?"

Jasper looked slightly surprised at this. "If you want."

"I do," I confirmed. Jasper nodded before making his way to the window. As he crouched to leap out the window, I remembered something. "Tell Jacob I say hi."

Jasper made a sound of derision before jumping. I chuckled lightly, which I had to admit felt good. Sure it wasn't a great big laugh, but there was something so soothing about it. It made me feel a little guilty. I wondered if it was too soon for me to be doing things such as smiling or laughing. What was the proper grieving time? Was there such a thing?

Esme took the rocking chair in the corner and pulled it over to my bedside and sat down. She didn't say anything at first, letting me settle into bed and get comfortable. However, after a few minutes, her soft voice spoke out. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard Jasper reassuring you that we would keep you safe. Are you worried? Because he is right, we will do everything we can to protect you."

Hearing gentle Esme say this broke my heart. "I know you will. I don't doubt that and that is what worries me. I can't bear the thought of anything worse happening to this family because of me. Enough harm has befallen you and you have suffered enough because of my existence. I can't stand that you guys are going to continue to put yourself in harms way for me."

"But, you are a part of this family. You need to know that even because Edward is gone we still feel so connected to you." Esme's voice was more passionate and emphatic than I had ever heard it. "We made a mistake in leaving you six months ago and we can't change that. However, we can learn from our mistakes and not abandon you so quickly. If something were to happen to you, it would break all of our hearts. I can't bury another child. I refuse to let Victoria or the Volturi harm you in any way. You are my daughter and you have to let me and the rest of the family do what we can to help you."

She was so vehement, I didn't really have anything to say to refute it. She truly believed the words she spoke and it made me feel like I belonged to this family. "Thank you Esme."

"No need to thank me dear. Now you probably need to get to sleep. It's getting late."

I lay down fully and snuggled into the blankets. I closed my eyes, but there was still something nagging at me. "Do you think they will be okay with meeting the wolves? Do you think they can keep their temper in check because I have seen how easily the wolves can change?"

"Don't worry. Carlisle can handle them well and Jasper can help keep the situation calm."

That made me feel better. Of course Carlisle has dealt with the wolves before and knew what to say. He would be fine. And Jasper has his power. How did I forget that? I took a deep breath and closed my eye trying to relax. I reached my hand out and grabbed Esme's hand. She grasped it tightly and started to run soothing circles on my hand. I felt myself slowly drift off into peaceful sleep.

* * *

We ran closely together making sure to not let much distance between us. Carlisle trusted the pack and by extension we all did as well, but most of these wolves were young. They were inexperienced and probably had trouble with their anger. The topics we were going to discuss were likely to dredge up anger in the pack.

We came to a stop at the treaty line. I sniffed the air and smelt the faint hint of dog. The sound of bounding paws came closer to us. It sounded like there were four, maybe five wolves coming towards us. They soon came into the small clearing that we were standing in. The four of us tried to keep a relaxed stance, attempting to look as non-threatening as possible to the wolves. It was difficult though because every instinct in my body was telling me to tense and get in a defensive stance. They seemed to have picked the biggest wolves to join them. They were massive and all different colors. It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea how we were going to communicate.

All of a sudden the russet colored wolf transformed into a human. He quickly took a pair of cut off sweats from his ankle and pulled them on. He was slightly embarrassed, but got over it quickly. I wondered if this was the leader of the pack or not. He was tall, taller than both Emmett and I. His face was deeply etched with worry lines.

Carlisle stepped forward and reached his hand out to the boy. "I'm Carlisle and this is my family. This is Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper," he said as he pointed at each of us.

The boy reached out his own hand, uncomfortably. I think he was as tense as the rest of us. This was not coming naturally to them as well. "I'm Jacob, and this is Sam, Paul, and Jared. Sam is the leader of the pack, but I will be speaking for the pack."

So this was Jacob. How in the world was this is a sixteen year old? He looked older than all of us and we were each in our early twenties physically.

"Well, Jacob. I wanted to discuss the possibility of getting rid of the treaty lines temporarily."

One of the wolves, but not the largest one, growled.

"I'm not sure about this," Jacob hesitantly mumbled.

"We still would not trek onto your land if possible. I just think that Victoria might know about the treaty because she was working with someone who was close to some friends of ours. She may try to use the treaty line against us. I want to put the treaty lines on hold in case there is an attack. Your pack will be free to go to our side and vice versa if Victoria shows up."

Jacob glanced back at the largest wolf. There was a slight nod from the wolf, who I assumed was Sam. "That seems like a reasonable request. We can agree with that. However, once this is all over then the treaty lines go back up."

Carlisle nodded emphatically. "That's perfectly understandable. Bella just gave us the bare minimum of what has happened over the last couple months concerning Victoria. What can you tell us about what she has been up to?"

Jacob didn't hesitate to answer this time. "Well, she is fast. She keeps getting out of our reach. She was also out on the water the day that Bella jumped off the cliff. I think she was trying to sneak onto the lands that way. Her scent was impossible to trace because of the water. We have seen her only once over the last two weeks, and that was very briefly. She tried getting past us, but we chased her off and she got away again. We have lost all traces of her since then."

"We never should have underestimated her," Emmet growled. He had been moving from foot to foot, getting anxious over hearing how close Victoria had been. I'm sure he thought that if he had been the one after Victoria, she wouldn't have gotten away. I wasn't so sure about that. It sounded like she could be very stealthy if she felt like it.

"It's too late now Emmett," Carlisle said in a placating voice to Emmett, before turning back to Jacob "We want to thank you for everything you have done to protect Bella, your tribe, and the people of Forks. We should have known that Victoria would have been trouble because we killed her mate."

"It's our duty. And some of us are more than happy to do it."

"I'm afraid that Victoria may not be the end of our problems. This is not directly related to you, but I feel like we should be honest with you about a situation that has arisen. A group of vampires, named the Volturi, are kind of our informal government and they make sure that no vampires do anything that would endanger the vampire community."

Jacob snorted at this and there was a similar sound coming from one of the other wolves, I think it was Paul. Emmett growled in response to the wolves and Rosalie put her hand on his arm as if to restrain him, although her face showed her clear anger. Carlisle sent me a pleading look and I sent out calming vibes to everybody, making sure everybody relaxed. Carlisle noticed everybody's relaxed stance and continued on.

"My son, Edward, went to them to ask them to take his life because he believed that Bella had killed herself. My daughter, Alice, went after him to Italy with Bella to try to save him. A long story short they were unsuccessful and the Volturi had Alice and Edward killed for breaking the law. Edward had shown himself in public and apparently Alice attacked the vampire trying to restrain Edward. Bella fortunately was not with them at the time. Alice had made sure she was no where near there. We went and got her from Italy and brought her back."

Jacob interrupted; he was impatient and uncomfortable, especially at the mention of Bella. "I don't mean any disrespect. I am sorry that your...family is suffering. But, what does that have to do with us?"

Carlisle ignored Jacob's rudeness and continued calmly, as was his way. "You see, the Volturi found out that Bella knows about vampires and that is strictly against the law. They wanted her to be killed or turned immediately. I was able to buy us a year. They are going to send some representatives in a year, wherever we are, to see that we have followed through on the bargain."

"You aren't allowed to turn Bella though. That's against the treaty!" Jacob's rage was staggering. I could see him using all his strength to try to keep his anger in check, but he was having a difficult time of it. I tried to calm him, but it was difficult. This seemed to only make him angrier as he glared at me. Bella must have told him about my power.

"We know this. We have no plans of killing Bella outright, but if she makes the decision to become a vampire I will change her. I am not going to force a decision on her. I saw what making decisions for her did to my family. It caused the death of two of my children. If she truly wants to be a vampire, I'm not going to stop her, in fact I will change her myself. However, if she chooses to not change we will do everything to protect her from the Volturi." Carlisle's voice was steely, betraying his true feelings on the subject. He remained cool, but he was not going to pretend that everything was alright.

"Now, I know this will put us in breach of the treaty, and if you decide to continue to uphold the treaty we will leave and never return. However, I ask that you consider our story. If we turn Bella it will be completely of her own volition. We would not choose this life for her but I am not going to make decisions for her. I wish that you would just think about this and consider her change as not in breach of the treaty. We have no intentions of harming any other humans and we mean only to protect Bella and to make her happy."

Jacob got a handle on his anger, although it was still bubbling underneath the surface. I could tell he was working hard to keep himself in check. "You have spoken your peace, and it will be up to our elders and for the leader of my pack to make a decision on that." Jacob turned to Sam, who nodded his head. "They will think about what you have said and will make a decision. Obviously this is not our first priority at the moment. If I understand you correctly, you aren't going to do that change soon?"

"Of course not. I refuse to take an answer from her for at least a couple of months. I want her to make her decision completely on what she wants and not what she feels obligated to do. I also want her to finish up school and have a chance to say goodbye to this life and her family. There is no rush on this matter. Victoria is our number one priority. I just wanted to give you fair warning about what might happen and I hope that we will be able to keep our treaty intact through all of this."

"Thank you for being straight forward with us. I appreciate that. Now on the matter of Victoria, are any of you going to be running patrols around Bella's house?" Jacob's voice returned to a cold, business-like manner.

"Yes, at least one of us will be with her or near her at all times and possibly another doing patrols in the woods."

"I think one of the pack members should also do patrols near Bella, as that is the most likely place we will see this vampire again."

"That is fine. Bella may be spending some time at our house as well. The pack may continue their patrols near our house. Also, you are welcome at our house anytime. If there is anything we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask. I know you will probably not take us up on that offer, but we truly are appreciative over what you have done for Bella and everybody else."

"Thank you. Now, if there is nothing else to discuss, I think some of us are anxious to start patrols." He motioned towards the grey one who was shifting restlessly, while the other two wolves were completely still.

"I think that is everything." Carlisle looked at the rest of us, as if asking if he had missed anything.

"Actually, I was hoping that I could speak to Jacob alone," I said.

The grey wolf growled and snapped his jaw. Jacob rolled his eyes at the wolf. "Cool it Paul. You guys go off and check in with the rest of the pack. I'll catch up with you guys later." Sam came up to Jacob and looked him straight in the eyes and nudged him with his nose. "I'll be fine Sam, don't worry. If anything happens I'll shift and call you guys." Sam nodded before following the other two off into the woods. Jacob just looked exasperated as if he was being bothered by overprotective parents.

Carlisle smiled at me and gave my arm a quick squeeze before heading out of the clearing as well. Rosalie followed him, but Emmett stopped to whisper, "Don't get into a fight without me," before he ran out of the clearing to catch up with Rosalie.

"So…" Jacob started awkwardly, shuffling his feet a little. I realized that without the pack and the rest of the family there, I was no longer dealing with Jacob the wolf, but with Jacob the sixteen year old teenager. I was relieved, because that was who I wanted to speak with.

"I wanted to talk to you about Bella," I started slowly, gauging his reaction. He was surprised and a little alarmed.

"Is she okay?"

"She's doing better in fact, but I think she could be doing even better if she had her best friend come and visit her," I stated matter-of-factly, not really believing what was coming out of my own mouth.

"I tried to visit her once, but it was just so painful. That wasn't the Bella that I have known for the last couple of months. I mean, things had been far from perfect, but there was still a little life and vitality to her and when she was with me, I felt like she was almost whole again. But that Bella looked dead. It hurt me so much to see her like that and know there was nothing I could do to fix it."

"I understand. I truly do. But, she needs you. I think she is worried that she scared you off. I know it would mean a lot to her if you tried again and came by sometime and visited."

"You wouldn't mind if I did that? Not that it would stop me, but we are sworn enemies. It seems like you shouldn't be here encouraging me to be around Bella."

"I only care about her getting better. I don't know if you know this, but Alice was my wife. She was my sole reason for sticking to this lifestyle. Without her, I honestly felt like I was lost at sea and that there was nothing out there for me. However, Bella has given me something to focus on. And I feel like if she can survive this and move on, maybe there is hope for me." I couldn't believe I had told all of that to this dog. I hadn't told anybody else that, but I felt that Jacob and I had a common goal, keep Bella safe. Sure I could feel that his feelings were deeper than mine and far more romantic, it was practically seeping from every pore in his body, but I still knew we had that connection.

Jacob must have sensed this as well because he didn't contradict me in anyway. He felt pity and guilt, but overriding all of that was concern. Concern for Bella was his dominant emotion, and I knew that he would try again. "Okay, I'll come by tomorrow and spend some time with her. I've been so worried about her. I knew I shouldn't have given up on her, but it was so painful to see."

"I understand, Jacob. It was hard on my entire family. I think the only reason we were able to be around her is because we each were experiencing grief, so there was a connection. Otherwise, I'm not sure we could have handled it. I promise though, things are looking up. She cooked Charlie dinner today."

Jacob's face brightened at that. "That's a good sign. Well, I can't wait to see her then. Thanks for speaking to me about this. I appreciate that you are trying to do what's best for Bella, even if it is talking to me."

"You're not so bad, Jacob," I smiled and he returned it. I could kind of see why Bella would be such good friends with him. He had a kind spirit and he truly meant well.


	7. We're Going to be Friends

_Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed_   
_When silly thoughts go through my head_   
_About the bugs and alphabet_   
_And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet_   
_That you and I will walk together again_   
_I can tell that we're going to be friends_

-We're Going to be Friend by The White Stripes

Chapter Seven

I lay on the couch while Jasper was lounging in the overstuffed chair. He had his legs kicked over the side with his head leaning against the back. The chair looked smaller than usual with Jasper's long frame taking up so much space on it. We were currently watching the news, the only thing we could agree on. I tried to turn on some cooking show, but Jasper got bored so he turned on drag racing. I refused to watch that so he changed the channel to the benign local news.

I had woken up that morning with Esme replaced by Jasper in the rocking chair. He told me that he had spoken to Jacob and he might be stopping by today. It was hard to contain my excitement. I felt horrible for the way I had been the last time he had been here, and I wanted to show him that I was going to be okay and that he didn't have to worry about me. I knew Jacob would make me feel better. It was also great that Jasper was so nice about having a wolf over. He even told me that Jacob seemed like a nice guy. Jasper said if I wanted he would leave when Jacob came, but I wanted him to be there. I didn't know if it could possibly work, but I wanted my two worlds to be connected. I would be walking a very fine line, but maybe I could do it.

I knew that Jacob was close before I even heard any noise. Jasper stiffened slightly before jumping out of the chair and heading towards the door. He stood patiently, with perfect posture right by the door. He looked so formal it was almost amusing. I followed him to the door, guessing that Jacob was about to drive up. Sure enough after a few seconds I heard the familiar crunch of gravel. Charlie was still at work, so it had to be Jacob. Nobody else would be visiting me. I peeked out the window and there was Jacob's rusted car. He loped up to the door, his face relaxed. He looked like my Jacob.

I couldn't wait for him to knock. I simply opened the door and ran into him, hugging him fiercely. I barely came up to his chest. He had to lean down a little to hug me fully. I took a deep breath, and smelt the familiar woodsy smell that was a part of Jacob. I felt at home all of a sudden.

"I've missed you Jake," I whispered softly into his chest.

"I've missed you too, Bells." His voice was husky and full of emotion. "I'm sorry I haven't been here more."

I leaned back and smiled at him. "Don't worry about it. I wouldn't have wanted to be around me the last two weeks."

"How are you doing? You look better."

"I am better," I asserted. "I'm far from okay. I feel like shit most of the time, but I can continue life, which is definitely something. This one has been helping me a lot over the last couple of days." I pointed towards Jasper who was standing back with his hands in his jean pockets.

"Nice to see you again Jacob," Jasper spoke politely

"You too, Jasper," Jacob returned in the same tone.

I looked back and forth between them. Well, they weren't exactly becoming best friends, but at least they were not currently growling at each other. That had to be a good sign.

"Do you want to come in and sit down with us Jacob?" I motioned towards the front room.

They both agreed to this, following me into the front room. I took a seat back on the couch and Jacob joined me. Jasper reclaimed his perch in the chair, trying to look relaxed as he leaned back into the cushions. There was a heavy silence at first. I had no idea what to say with these three. Jacob was smart enough to know I didn't really feel like talking about Edward. He had a lot of practice at that. But with Jasper here, it seemed a little awkward.

Jasper probably sensed this and took the initiative to start a conversation. "So, did you build that car out there from scratch?"

Jacob's face lit up at the mention of anything mechanical. "Well, not exactly from scratch but pretty much. She had to have a major overhaul. It took a lot of work to put her together. It was pretty much a two year project. Every spare dime I had was put into her."

"Wow. What kind of engine does she have?" Jasper showed genuine interest which surprised me. I mean all of the Cullen's cars had been so new, sleek, and shiny. Jacob's was none of those. However, I remembered that Jasper had shown interest in my own truck and thought maybe he was different.

I tuned them out as they delved deeper into their conversation of mechanics. I took the remote off the coffee table in front of me and started to flip through the channels blindly. I ended up landing on Cartoon Network which had some old Scooby Doo episode playing. I settled in to the couch, leaning against Jacob who easily put his arm around me as he continued his talk with Jasper. Every now and again we would all laugh at something on the cartoon. It was really humorous when Jasper told us that he knew was behind everything. Jacob and I looked at him funny.

"What? I watched the cartoon when it originally aired. It was back when I didn't have much control so I was stuck in the house at all times. There are only so many books you can read before you get bored with that." Jasper defended himself.

"And you remember after that many years?" Jacob asked, confused.

"Vampire's memories do not fade. It stays crystal clear. I remember exactly what house we were living in and where I was sitting when I watched it."

"Fine. Who is the bad guy?" Jacob obviously did not believe Jasper.

"The carnival owner, of course. He wanted the extra tourism. And if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog too, he would have succeeded." The last part was in a crazy high pitch voice, mimicking the old owner.

Jacob and I laughed, turning back to the screen to see that the monster was being unmasked. Sure enough, it was the carnival owner. Jacob looked slightly impressed, only slightly. "Well, teaches me to question a vampire."

"Damn right," Jasper replied easily.

"So what is your story anyways? How old are you?"

Jasper's smile was wiped off his face and he fidgeted a little in his seat. "Well, I'm close to 150 years old. I was turned in the civil war period. But, I don't really like to tell my story. It's kind of dark and gruesome."

"You were a dangerous vampire?" Jacob smirked.

"Yes," Jasper replied seriously. "I, well, I did a lot of things I am ashamed of. I changed a while back ago and committed to this lifestyle when I met the Cullens, although you can say it has been more of a challenge for me than some of my other family members. This life does not come as naturally to me."

Jacob studied Jasper with seriousness. "Do I need to be worried about you?"

Jasper paused before answering, as if contemplating his answer. "I don't think so. My control has greatly increased in the last couple of months. Well, ever since that incident at Bella's birthday, I have worked even harder at gaining control over my thirst."

"Well, okay then, but if I see any signs of you slipping, especially around Bella, be prepared. I will kick your ass so fast you won't know what hit you."

That made Jasper smile again, although it was a thin one. "Fair enough."

I didn't want them to continue their serious conversation so I tried to shift it back to safer topics. "So, Jasper, do you approve of Jacob's car?"

Jasper turned to me, gave me a quick appraisal before answering my question. "Actually, yes. It's very impressive what you have done with that vehicle at such a young age. Although I have a small qualm about you repairing motorcycles for human use."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, I don't necessarily believe that Bella should be riding a motorcycle without supervision of some sort. She seems to have a tendency to get into accidents." Jasper pointed to my cast.

I felt indignant at that. "I know how to handle a motorcycle. I just happened to not be in the best state of mind that day."

"No, he's right. You weren't supposed to go on the motorcycle without someone around to drive you to the hospital," Jacob defended Jasper.

"Oh great. So now I have two people to gang up on me to tell me what is best for me."

Jacob and Jasper looked at each other, as if trying to decide what to do with the petulant child. I didn't like the feeling. I crossed my arms across my chest. "Let me guess. You guys have decided that I can't do anything without a werewolf or vampire present anyways."

"Well, that's just until Victoria is found," Jacob responded, matter of factly.

I made a sound of derision, but decided to not continue this conversation. I knew they were trying to keep me safe, but I still didn't like being looked after so closely. Jasper was staring at me intently, as if he was studying something. He was probably considering my emotions and trying to connect them to what was going on. He didn't say anything though.

* * *

 

Bella lay before me in peaceful sleep. She was curled underneath her blankets with her good hand poking out holding my own tightly. I kept sending her constant feelings of calm in order to keep the nightmares at bay. Sometimes I would feel something push against my power, waves of grief and fear would roll through Bella. I would have to exert more energy to keep the emotions back. I wouldn't bother except I worried that she wouldn't get any sleep.

I couldn't believe that my life had brought me to this point. My Alice was gone and I was spending all of my time with Bella. I had been with Alice for so many years that it was hard sometimes to remember that I had spent almost a hundred years without her. But those years were not happy. There was so much pain and suffering from both me and those around me. I was afraid that I would revert back to that point in my life without Alice here. I had always thought that Alice was my sole reason to keeping to the Cullen lifestyle. She had brought me here and spent the most time with me. She was who I felt the most amount of loyalty to. That was very apparent by my plan to fight Edward to kill Bella when she had first found out, just so I could keep my Alice safe. Now though, with her gone, I wondered if I could find a new reason to be a vegetarian.

Well, there was the obvious; I didn't want to kill more humans. I was so tired of being the cause of so much pain. Maybe I could somehow get past that if I didn't have to feel every emotion and feeling in their last few seconds of life. It was so intense. That should have been enough of a reason to stop killing humans. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.

But, this human in front of me was able to make me ignore the large quantities of blood that had hemorrhaged and soaked my own clothes. Her scent filled the room, yet the burn in the back of my throat was easily ignored. How come I couldn't have this self-control 6 months ago, on that fateful night? Everything would have been prevented. I wouldn't have been looked upon as the weak link in this family. What was so different about my control in the last two weeks? That's what I didn't understand.

I paused in my ruminations as I heard the sound of running feet coming closer to the house. It was a vampire. I got up in a split second, ready to defend Bella. But as the person came closer, I was able to sample their emotions and I recognized the happy go lucky emotions of Emmett. His emotions were very distinct. He stopped below the window whispering as softly as he could, "Jasper?"

I didn't need to lean out to the window for him to hear my quick words, "come on up. Quietly. She's sleeping."

Emmett jumped through the window, barely making a sound as he landed. I gave Emmett a small smile as I sat back down on the chair. Bella was tossing around on the bed and whimpering under her breath.

Emmett rushed to her side. "What's wrong with her?"

I took her hand back in mine and restarted my work on keeping her calm. She slowly settled back down into the bed. "She has very vivid dreams that can make her very restless. She has difficulty sleeping because of the dreams. I have to keep her calm in order for her to get any real sleep."

"Shit, poor thing," Emmett murmured as he quickly swiped Bella's hair out of her face. Emmett stepped back and took a seat on the floor next to the bed. He was studying Bella. "How is she really doing?"

"I can't say for sure. I think she is doing better. She has a lot of grief and guilt to work out, but she's not shutting down, which is quite an accomplishment."

"That's good. It's amazing to see you so close to her. It's good and I don't mean to question that, but I have to wonder what are you doing?"

He asked the same exact question that I have been asking myself the last couple of days. "I don't know exactly. I mean part of me wants to help her out during this time, but I know all of you want that as well. But, somehow she is no longer just the human that Edward fell in love with. She is Bella, a person I am connected to in grief and I guess, I just want to fix her."

Emmett was giving me his full attention now. All I could feel from him at the moment was concern. "But, who is going to fix you?"

I was shocked by this question. "I don't need fixing?"

"I'm sorry man, but like hell you do. You lost your soul mate, your other half. You're not supposed to be okay after that. I wouldn't be fine if I lost Rose so don't tell me you are not broken."

"I didn't say that. I just…" I drifted off not sure what I really meant. "Maybe taking care of her is going to fix me. It's giving me something to do."

"So, Bella is your new hobby? That's got to be healthy."

"We're vampires. Our memories don't fade like humans. I can remember how Alice's hair smelled after a shower. I remember every kiss we ever shared. I remember the day I met her like it was yesterday. There's nothing I can do with those memories. They won't go away and if I don't give part of my brain something to focus on I will go mad."

"I understand," Emmett said sympathetically. "But, there's a point where you can't keep hiding from the past. It's not going to go away. You have to acknowledge it somehow."

"How are you dealing with it?"

"Well, I'm creating a new clearing out in the woods, taking down a lot of trees." Emmett smiled ruefully. "And, also there is all that heated emotional sex Rosalie and I have. It can be very therapeutic."

"Fucking Hell, is there a problem in this world that you guys can't solve by having sex?"

"We haven't found one."

I let out an exasperated sigh and Bella moved a little in her sleep. She mumbled something about someone leaving before she took a firmer hold on my hand. I used her grasp to put her into deeper sleep.

"There is something intriguing about her," Emmett mused.

"What do you mean?" I feigned innocence, although I had been thinking the same thing myself.

"She is different than most humans I have ever met. She has never recoiled at our touch, or for that matter anything we do. She makes excuses for us and forgives us. I think she was meant to become one of us from the beginning."

"Alice did see it," I conceded.

"There is that, and I wouldn't bet against Alice. However, it's something else. I mean we have all adapted to being a vampires and it has become a part of us. But I've seen two people who I think were just destined to be a vampire and nothing else. It was what they were meant to be."

"Who are they?"

"Carlisle had to be vampire. He has done so much good by being changed. I'm not just talking about all the lives he has saved as a doctor. But, think about all of the vampires that he has affected for the better. He has taught us this lifestyle and helped to create a family. He has shown others that humans are not merely meals, but deserve our care and compassion. There is no one else like him and I can't imagine that being wasted on a human existence."

"I agree there. What about the other?"

Emmett hesitated for a second before continuing. "Alice. There was no other life for her but this one. There was more energy, charisma, and spunk in that petite woman than in anyone else I have ever known. She was the epitome of goodness and I would have hated to see any of those qualities wasted on some human who was stuck in a damn mental institution. Her human body couldn't handle everything that she had to offer. She was destined to be vampire. She was destined to bring you to us."

If I could have cried, tears would have been pouring down my face. I could feel the honest emotions he felt as he said every word and he was right. Alice and Carlisle would have been wasted if they had been left to the humans. We all could have still had normal lives. Although we are used to being vampires, there was another life that we could have had. But where does that put Bella?

"And you think Bella is like that? No other destiny but to be a vampire?"

"Look at what leaving her has done." He turned his attention to Bella, raising his hand to pull the covers up closer to her face. He gave her cheek a tender stroke with his hand before putting it back in his lap. He continued to talk. "And I don't think it was just Edward. I think our whole family leaving really impacted her. She was close to all of us. How many humans have you seen that happen to? While most humans marvel at our beauty, they are smart enough to keep a safe distance between us. Not her. She runs towards us with open arms. There is something about her that draws us to her. Then there is the fact that she is mature beyond her years. She fits right in with the family. I never have felt that I was hanging out with a teenage, human girl. I felt like I was hanging out with my sister."

I thought about what he said and slowly digested it. He kind of made sense. I didn't think Emmett had ever talked so much about something so serious or important before. "So you think Bella will choose to be a vampire?"

"Without a doubt in my mind." He smiled at her sleeping form. "It will probably take her some time to get far enough past her grief over Edward and Alice and her feeling of betrayal over us leaving before she figures it out. She will get there though and I think it will be sooner rather than later."

That had be me confused. "Why do you say that?"

"Bella does not strike me as the person to take a long time grieving. She will try to move on quickly and not mope."

"What are you talking about?" I raised my voice slightly. "Did you not hear how after nearly six months she was not over her break up with Edward? That makes no sense?"

"Well, the break up was different. She thought she was unloved and that she had been abandoned. She knew he was still out there but didn't want her. But his and Alice's death, well it will deeply affect her for years to come, but she is going to try to move on. She's strong and we will be there to help her get through this. She will have people to talk to and lean on. Before she didn't have much of a support system."

"How the hell have you come up with all these theories? I have never heard you be so serious in all of the time I have known you."

Emmett looked down at his knees. "All joking aside, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about Edward and Alice and life in general. I have never had to experience death or grief before so this is all so new to me. Losing Edward and Alice has been hard for all of us and I keep wondering how our family is going to continue on without them. Somehow my thoughts always keep coming back to Bella. I can't help but think that she is the future of this family. She is going to be what saves us."

Could this human hold the fate of our family in her delicate, tiny hands? For some reason the idea did not seem as ludicrous as it should. Maybe Emmett was wiser than we had ever given him credit for.

There was the sound of running paws near the house which brought us both back to reality. Emmett stood up and wiped his pants off of imaginary dirt. "I probably should get back to patrol."

"How is that going?"

"Boring. This wolf is no fun. The one that was on duty earlier was awesome. He was smaller than the rest but had way more spunk. We had races around the perimeter and man is that dog fast. I mean I beat him, but still I had to work for it. I had fun."

"What's his name?"

"I have no idea. I was guessing random names, but he kept shaking his head. Sometimes he would do this weird barking laughter thing at some of the names. I think the next time I'm on duty with him I will go through the alphabet letter by letter and see if I can't get the name that way."

"You know you could just call up Jacob and ask him who it was."

Emmett looked offended at the idea. "But, that's no fun. This is way cooler. If you find out who it is, don't you dare tell me. I want to have my fun guessing game."

I raised my free hand in the air in mock surrender. "I wouldn't dare."

"Good, now back to patrol with the dog with a stick up its ass. I kept goading it but it wouldn't cave. Maybe if I just start running with it I can get it to race me." At that Emmett turned and ran to the window, exiting the way he had come in.

I called out softly, "good luck," before turning my attention back to Bella. I had so many thoughts in my head that I didn't know what to sort out first. First, there was more to Emmett than met the eye. I also thought the grief was hitting him harder than he was letting on. I think he was trying to control his emotions around me to shield me. I would have to remember to have a talk with Carlisle. Maybe he could help Emmett.

Then there was Bella to think about. Would she benefit from being a vampire? Emmett seemed to think it was a part of her destiny. I didn't know about that. She did seem different than most humans and I couldn't deny she was drawn to us. But did that mean that she had to become one of us? Were there people who were meant to be vampires? It's hard to imagine Carlisle or Alice being human. They were so well suited for this life. And for that matter Emmett was too. Maybe Bella was like that as well.

I heard a faint growl in the woods and I strained my ears to hear more. I was worried that there was trouble. Then I heard Emmett's voice very clearly. "Fine, I won't do it again. There's no need to be so touchy."

God, Emmett would need to stop antagonizing the wolves. Not all of them liked us. Although it looked like I might have won over Jacob, well for that matter he won over me. He was a really good guy and I couldn't help but understand how Bella would feel drawn to him when she had been hurting so badly. There was a natural warmth that came from Jacob and his emotions were like a breath of fresh air. There had been concern and love for Bella, but overall there was this innate happiness that pooled underneath the surface. It reminded me of Alice. Jacob was truly a kind person and once I got past the whole wolf thing he was a pretty cool kid. Not to mention it was impressive that he built that car from scratch practically. For a sixteen year old that's pretty good. It would be great if he came by the house sometime. I think he could appreciate the Cullen car collection.

Bella turned in her sleep, but she kept a tight grip on my hand, willing me to not to let go. I noticed the room was slowly getting lighter and soon it would be morning. In a few minutes I would probably let my powers hold on her fade and let her come out of her sleep naturally. I thought back to what Emmett had said about me being broken. Bella was important to the family, but how important was she to me? Would she be able to do for me, what I hoped to do for her, repair a broken heart?


	8. Light Outside

_I_ _know_ _you_ _want_ _to_ _rest_ _your_ _head_ _  
and_ _just_ _forget_ _the_ _night_ _  
So_ _you_ _know_ _I_ _am_ _going_ _to_ _stay_ _right_ _here_ _  
And_ _sit_ _by_ _your_ _side_  
-Light Outside by Wakey!Wakey!

**Chapter Eight**

"This paper is definitely a huge improvement. My main concern is you still need to tighten your thesis some."

"I know," I replied, supporting my hand with my hand. "I just didn't know what to say."

"Just come out and tell what your purpose in writing the paper is. Don't try to hide it. You don't need to surprise the reader with it halfway through. In the beginning just write through literary devices such as metaphor, simile, and allusions the author expresses themes of immigration and poverty," Esme explained easily, waving her hand in the air.

"When you say it like that it seems so easy."

"Well, I have had many years of practice. You'll get there. Otherwise the paper was great. Your analysis is good and your writing is improving a lot. It's an A paper and I'm not just saying that."

"Thanks."

I knew she wasn't just giving me that grade. Esme was not about handing me a good grade. She wanted me to learn and she felt it was her obligation to make sure I was receiving the education that I should. I appreciated it. I was worried at first that taking classes with Esme would be a bad idea. I couldn't imagine Esme giving me a bad grade or actually teaching me. I was wrong. She had been anything but mean to me, but she had been a fair and honest grader with me and I liked it.

Over the last couple of weeks there had been no spotting of Victoria so life had fallen back into a routine. It wasn't a perfect life, actually it was far from ideal, but at least it was something. I felt like the Cullens were the only thing that was keeping me grounded right now. They were always there for me and I was never left alone without one of them nearby. Usually it was Jasper, but when he would hunt sometimes Esme or Rosalie would take his place. Rosalie had been surprisingly cordial with me, although we were far from friends. She was no longer openly hostile which was a plus.

Jasper was spending a lot of time with me, but things were still odd between us. We had never been friends with each other before any of this happened and it was taking a while for us to adjust to one another. It was weird to have a vampire with me at all times that wasn't Edward. Jasper was different than him yet sometimes so similar. It was hard because sometimes Jasper touching my hand or looking into his eyes would cause a wave of sadness to course through me. However, other times he would act so different. There was a roughness to his voice that I had never heard another vampire have. It was still melodious, but there was a bit of gruffness, sometimes a southern lilt would slip in. Jasper also didn't seem to participate in my life that much. He hovered a lot, always a few steps behind me, following me through my routines. We would talk sometimes, but more often than not we would just go through the day in companionable silence.

The most positive change that has happened over the last couple of weeks was Jacob and Jasper becoming friends. They found that they had a lot in common and it was nice that these two parts of my life were not at odds with each other. Jacob had even come by the Cullens' house one time. Once he got past the smell he said it was a nice house. He really enjoyed looking at the cars. Rosalie begrudgingly warmed up to him when he showed the right appreciation for the vehicles. He praised her maintenance on the cars. She responded by telling him it was slightly respectable that he had built up his car, especially for a teenage boy.

I think the worse part of the whole situation was the Cullen house. I visited it almost every day because that is where I did my lessons with Esme. We would have 'class' in my room most days. I had to take an English class and a History class. Normally, I would have found going to the Cullens' everyday pleasant, but the house was different now. Before it had felt so lived in, there was always some sort of activity going on. But now there was nothing. Everybody was left in solitude. Usually Rosalie was out in the garage tinkering with the cars. The few times I was there not to study with Esme she was usually cleaning the already immaculate house. Carlisle was always holed up in his study. The most worrisome was Emmett who would just sit and watch tv. It was not necessarily anything good either. I don't think he was paying any attention to what he was really watching.

"Well, I think that is everything for today. Why don't you take the evening off? We can work on thesis writing tomorrow," Esme offered.

"Thanks, that sounds good."

"Do you want me to go get Jasper to take you home?"

"No, I thought I would go say hi to Emmett."

"Okay dear. I think he is in the living room. I'm going to go down to the kitchen to do a little cleaning," Esme smiled softly at me, before heading down to the kitchen.

I turned off the lights before exiting the room. I walked downstairs slowly, turning into the front room. Sure enough Emmett was lounging on a couch. He had his legs up on a coffee table, and his right arm sprawled across the back of the couch. He didn't look like he was enjoying the show much. I don't know if he was even paying attention. I walked in front of the television and sat down next to him. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

"What's up Bella?" He asked casually.

"Oh, I just got done with my lessons with Esme. I am a little tired so I thought I would come and see what you are watching." As if to accent my point I leaned into his hard frame and curled up snuggly. He responded almost instantaneously by putting his arm around me.

"I don't actually know what I'm watching. I haven't been paying attention for the last couple of hours. Let's see." He picked up the remote and checked the guide. It displayed that we were currently watching some science show about Jupiter.

We watched in silence for a few minutes, before I dug up the courage to speak. "What were you thinking about for the last couple of hours?"

Emmett sighed and narrowed his eyes slightly, as if trying to focus on something. "Well, I kind of was just thinking about Edward and Alice. I know it's been almost two months, but I keep stopping to think about what happened."

"It's not something we are just going to get over."

"I know. I just feel like I should be able to push past this better. Anytime something bad has happened before I've been able to move on quickly. I know it's the logical thing to do now. There is nothing I can do about Alice and Edward and I know they wouldn't want me wasting my life by watching science shows on the Discovery channel. But, it's just hard."

"I think you feel guilty about not being there and that is what's not allowing you to let go."

Emmett's face scrunched up when I said that. "I should have been there. I'm the strongest in the family. Maybe I might have been able to hold off the Voluturi long enough for them to get away. I just wish I had been there."

"You can't blame yourself," I stated bluntly.

"I don't think it's that simple."

"It isn't, but you have to try and start somewhere."

Emmett's face softened a little as he thought about what I said. He finally spoke up after a few minutes. "Why is it that you are comforting and advising me? I should be doing that for you."

"You have been, since we got back you have all been there for me. Now it's my turn to be there for you. It's a give and take situation."

"I told Jasper you would be our saving grace," Emmett spoke almost more to himself than me.

"Really?"

"Yeah. You are a one of a kind person."

"Thank you, Emmett. Now how about let's play a game. What game systems do you have?"

Emmett looked at me a little dubiously before speaking. "All of them. But I've never seen you play games before."

"Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Now, when you say all of them, I am guessing you are not exaggerating."

Emmett got off the couch and walked over the wooden entertainment system. To the side were numerous cupboards that I had wondered what was in them. They had their dvd's on the bookshelves on the other wall. He opened the cupboard and all along the shelves were plastic containers with neat labels on the side, identifying what system was in each container. There was even an Atari system. I scanned them, not knowing where to start. I really hadn't played that many games over the years, just the occasional game at a friend's house. Renee thought that games fostered violence and that if I played too many of them then I would bring a gun to school.

"Do you have Mario Kart for the Nintendo 64?"

"Of course." Emmett grinned as he took the container out and started to set up the system. In a matter of seconds I was sitting there with a controller in my hand; the tv screen changed to show the start menu for the game. Emmett plopped down next to me, his own controller in his hand. I glanced at his face and I think it was the first time I had seen any of the Cullens look like I remembered them before they left.

He pressed start and we had to decide what game we were going to play. "Do you want to do battle or do you want to race?"

"I have a feeling you would beat me at battle. At least with racing I can shoot for second place."

Emmett chuckled under his breath, confirming my suspicions that he was good at this game. "What difficulty?"

"Start off on the lowest. I haven't played this game since elementary school when I was at a friend's house."

"Fair enough. Although that won't be any challenge for me. Let's do Mushroom Cup as well to ease you back into things."

We got to pick our characters and I really wasn't familiar with the Mario world so I just picked a random mushroom guy. Emmett opted for the giant gorilla. Why did that not surprise me? The race started off as I expected with me lagging way behind. It took me a while to get reacquainted with the controls, but soon I got the hang of it. I even came in second place in the second race. On the fourth race I was actually keeping pace with Emmett and I beat him. That was when the trash talking started to happen. Both of us were laughing hard. Jasper turned from the computer he was sitting at to look at us, his face showing amusement. Slowly Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle drifted into the front room and looked in at us with puzzled looks. I doubt there had been this much laughing, or any noise for that matter, over the last several weeks.

Rosalie seemed to jump out of her reverie first by announcing, "After this round I want to join in."

Even more surprising was that the next to speak was Esme. "I'll play too."

"Carlisle and I will play the winners on the round after that then."

And just like that, we were all playing. Carlisle moved the coffee table and all of us lounged around the front room, passing controls between one another. I moved down on the floor to let Rosalie sit down next to Emmett. She threw her legs across Emmett's lap, leaning against the side of the couch. Esme and Carlisle were lying down on their stomachs facing the tv. Jasper was sitting next to me, leaning against the couch. When I wasn't playing a race, I would lean against Jasper, relaxing into his form.

We paused for a few minutes when my stomach started to grumble. Carlisle suggested he order a pizza for me. While he ordered on his cell phone, I used the house phone to call Charlie to tell him I wouldn't be coming until later.

"Hi there Bells."

"Hi, dad, I just wanted to say I am going to stay at the Cullens for dinner. Can you take care of yourself?"

"Oh, sure I can. Enjoy yourself. If you want to stay longer that's fine. I'm going fishing with Billy early tomorrow and I was thinking of just staying at their house because we are going to fish on Sunday too since the weather is supposed to be nice this weekend. I'm not going to be home much and it would actually make me feel better if you were staying with someone."

I was happy to hear that Charlie was going to get out of the house. He had been spending so much time with me lately and taking care of me that I was worried he wasn't getting out much. "That's great Dad. I'm pretty sure that the Cullen's won't mind if I stay the weekend."

Carlisle looked up at this and nodded his head. "We'd be happy to have you."

"Yup, dad, that's good."

"Do I need to bring you by anything?"

"Nope, I think they have everything I need here."

"Good girl. Well, have a fun weekend and I will see you on Sunday."

"Sounds good dad. Thanks."

I clicked the phone off and set it by me on the floor and leaned back against the couch. There was a sudden loud groan as Emmett won the race. I focused back in on the scores and saw that Carlisle was in first, with Rosalie and Emmett tied for second, and Jasper was in fourth place. Emmett had yet to be in the bottom two, thus making it so he has played every round. There was one more race and Rosalie had to beat him in order for her to stay in the game. The mood was tense as the family could taste Emmett's rule being toppled.

The race started with Carlisle soon out maneuvering the rest as Yoshi. He was well ahead of Emmett and Rosalie who were neck and neck. The final lap came and I could tell Rosalie was getting frustrated, but she didn't say anything at first, totally concentrated on the race. Jasper was smirking to himself, probably able to feel the tension between Rosalie and Emmett. Finally things came to a head on the final stretch when Rosalie whispered in a sultry voice, "If you don't let me win then no sex for a month."

I couldn't stop the laugh from escaping me when without hesitations Emmett swerved to side of the track, turning around completely, giving Rosalie the win. The rest of the family joined in on the laughter except for Emmett who tossed his controller to me, a little too forcefully I thought. Jasper handed Esme the remote while standing to go answer the door, although it had yet to ring. I think they heard the delivery man drive up. Sure enough a few minutes later Jasper came in with a plate, some paper towels and the box of pizza. Jasper set it on the floor in front of me. After the race I bent to grab a piece of pizza, but Rosalie was pushing the button too fast to start the race up again. I had the remote in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. I didn't know what to do? I think Jasper saw my puzzlement.

"Here, I'll race for you." And before I knew it I was scooted forward a little bit and I was sitting in between Jasper's legs. He had the remote in front of me, so it was kind of like I was racing, but he handled the controls while I took a bite of my pizza.

"Now I don't know about this. You have lost the last two times. I can race better than you."

Jasper chuckled under his breath. "Well, since I am representing your honor then I will have to put extra effort into it."

Carlisle looked over at us and smiled. He seemed to be examining something for a minute before speaking. "Now Bella I want you to eat that whole pizza."

I rolled my eyes at him before taking a large bite of the slice. It was delicious and it was the first time since before the accident that I felt completely hungry. I had eaten of course because I as practically forced to by everybody around me. It wasn't hard to keep the food down and it wasn't completely horrible. It just felt a little odd, like I really didn't need the food. However, tonight I just felt famished and it didn't seem that unlikely that I could eat the entire pizza in front of me.

I scarfed down four slices before I felt satisfied. By that time Jasper had won one round of races in my name. I leaned back into his chest. Jasper made to give me the controller, but I shrugged his hand away. "I am raced out. I just want to watch right now."

Rosalie tossed down a throw blanket from the back of the couch and I thankfully took it, wrapping it around me and snuggling into Jasper's chest. He was a lot taller than me, even taller than Edward, so I felt completely encompassed in his arms, and safe. Before I knew what was happening I was drifting off to sleep.

* * *

I wouldn't say that today was the best day of my life, far from it. But, it was such a bright spot in a list of monotonous, dreary days. The physical relief of the whole family being together, laughing and having fun felt so amazing. I felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time and it was all to do with the beautiful creature that was in my arms. I had handed the controller off to Emmett after I lost the last round. Now I placed my arms protectively around Bella and soaked up her warmth that was seeping through the blanket that was between us. I took a deep breath and her blood, which normally would have burned my throat, barely bothered me. The sensation in the back of my throat was more akin to a tickle than anything else. I couldn't deny that Bella's blood was appetizing, but I now knew that keeping her safe was much more important than any physical urges I had. I felt that somewhere Edward and Alice were proud of me and they would be happy that I was looking after Bella.

After a few more races we had gone through all of the tracks and were bored with them. So, we called it a night on the videogames. I stood up, bringing Bella with me in my arms. I carried her up the stairs and into her room. While still holding her in one arm, I pulled back the covers of her bed and laid her down. I tucked the covers around her snuggly and sat back in one of the overstuffed chairs, pulling a random book off the shelf to read. However, I didn't get past the first page. The emotions swirling around me amazed me. Not only was Bella truly and peacefully asleep without my help, but she was completely calm. It was the first time she felt like this without my help.

Then there were the emotions that were downstairs. The family had been collectively discontented recently. The grief of course was there, but it seemed to have torn small holes throughout the family, and we were all so distant from each other. We barely had done anything together, mostly sticking to our solitary activities. However, everything seemed to have shifted. Downstairs Esme and Rosalie were discussing some plans that Esme had to landscape the back yard. Emmett and Carlisle were planning a hunting trip tomorrow up in the Cascades to catch some big bears. The atmosphere was not completely as it used to be, after all, the house was missing Alice's carefree mood and Edward's artistic nature. However, there was lightness in the air that had not been there in a while. Maybe tomorrow everyone would return to their melancholy, but I doubted it. I think things had changed more permanently and it was all to do with Bella. I wanted to do something nice for her as a thank you. Something fun she would enjoy. I had just the idea.

I ran up to my room quickly and retrieved my laptop and ran back down to Bella's room. I checked a few sites and made the plans I needed. Bella shifted in her sleep a little, curling around one of the pillows. She let out a contented sigh before settling back into her sleep. I felt my insides warm a little to see her at peace. If there was hope for her, maybe there was hope for me as well. She had helped my family so much just today and by proxy she had helped herself. I think Emmett was right when he said that Bella was going to be our saving grace.

I let her wake up naturally the next morning around 9 am. I could tell she felt contented and rested for the first time.

"Wow, I feel really good," Bella noted, almost more to herself than to me.

"Well, it was the first time that I didn't have to use my powers to keep the nightmares at bay. You were relatively peaceful last night, only talking in your sleep a few times."

"What did I say?"

"Oh just something about Emmett being too good at racing or something."

Bella sighed in relief to hear that what she said was relatively harmless. "That's good." She stretched, giving out a large yawn before rolling out of bed. She looked around her, a little confused and I imagine she forgot about having to shower and change when Charlie asked last night if she needed anything.

"Esme already stocked the bathroom across the hallway with all of your essential toiletries. And I think in the dresser over there she put some clothes she bought for you."

She went over to the dresser and opened a couple drawers pulling out a couple of items. There was a small sense of sadness in her. "What is it?"

"Oh, it's just that these clothes are so me," she pointed towards the pair of jeans and cotton shirt in her hand. "It just made me feel a little sad to think of the clothes that Alice probably would have gotten for me."

"Well, if it makes it feel you any better, those are probably designer jeans and t-shirts. It's expensive to look like the girl next door."

Bella gave a small chuckle. "Not if you shop at Target." Bella walked out and into the bathroom for her usual morning routine.

I decided to head downstairs to see what the family was up to. I had heard some laughing from Emmett earlier along with some banging around in the kitchen. Those two sounds could not be a good combination. Sure enough when I came downstairs I was greeted by a slightly frazzled Esme trying to shoo Emmett out of the kitchen. Emmett shuffled over to the kitchen nood and sat down at the table, seeming to see Esme was serious about him getting out of the kitchen.

"What is going on here? Is that a pancake on the ceiling?" I glanced up, kind of shocked to see food on the usually spotless ceiling.

"Yes," Esme replied tersely.

I turned to Emmett and raised my eyebrows, silently asking him to elaborate. He got the hint. "I offered to help her cook Bella breakfast and well, I got a little too enthusiastic flipping the pancakes. I just thought it was funny and I wanted to see if I could get another one to stick."

"I, however, think that one is enough," Esme cut into the conversation, concentrating on the food she was cooking.

"Anything I can do to help?" I offered, genuinely trying to soothe Esme. She however took it the wrong way when she hissed in response. I didn't push it and went and sat down with Emmett at the table in the back of the kitchen.

A few minutes later Bella came down the stairs, surprisingly quickly considering her tendency to fall down them. She came into the kitchen, more energy in her step than I had seen in a long time. I was wondering how often I would have to do that, compare old Bella to new Bella. It was so odd to think that all of these different versions of her will still in the end her.

"Mmmm, that smells good Esme," Bella noted before reaching into the fridge to grab some juice. She poured herself a glass and leaned back against the counter to drink it. She was in mid gulp when she paused and then brought the glass away from her lips. I followed her eyes to see what made her pause. I laughed, already knowing what it was. "Is that a pancake up there?"

Esme rolled her eyes and Emmett laughed, filling the room with the booming sound. "That is all me. I got carried away when I attempted to flip the pancakes."

This made Bella laugh as well, a full belly laugh that had not been heard in months. I glanced quickly at Emmett and Esme, seeing if they noted Bella's laugh as well. Sure enough they did. They both had a small smile on their face as Bella's laugh rang out. It was not as melodious as a vampire's, but it was just as beautiful.

"Okay, I think these are edible. The first couple were coming out burnt, but these look good. I decided to start out easy with making breakfast." Esme presented a small stack of pancakes to Bella who took them eagerly. She set them down on the table next to me, before running back to the fridge to grab some syrup and butter. She doused the stack in both ingredients before diving into them. She seemed to enjoy them as she ate eagerly.

"These are delicious Esme and I'm not just saying that."

Esme was very pleased at these words. She gave Bella an appraising look, seeming to like what she saw before turning back to the mess that she and Emmett had created. She glared briefly at the ceiling before setting to work on the more obvious mess around the stove.

Bella was oblivious to any of this as she ate her pancakes. She polished off the whole stack before leaning back in her chair and sighing appreciatively.

"So, are you ready for the day?" I asked Bella.

"What are we doing?" She was instantly curious.

"It's a surprise."

"You know, I am not that fond of surprises," she commented coolly.

"I figured as much but you can just deal with it. There is nothing outrageous to be scared of. We are just going to head down to Olympia for a relaxing day."

"What's in Olympia?"

"Many things." I didn't really want to give any more information.

"Well, I hope I am dressed appropriately because I don't want to change."

"You are fine. Now will you stop worrying; today will be fun. I'll take care of you." That sentence seemed to have a positive effect on her, because she calmed down noticeably. I got up and held out my hand to help her up. "Trust me."

"I do," Bella whispered, taking my hand and joining me.

"You two have a good day," Esme chimed in. "Call us if you need anything." She said this more to me than Bella.

I nodded in reply and escorted Bella out of the house through the front door.

"Are we taking my truck?"

"Yup, and no peaking in the back because I have some stuff that will be used later in the day. Do you mind if I drive?"

"Sure," Bella responded easily. "It's nice that you ask. Edward would always just either assume or force me out of the way when he wanted to drive." Bella stopped abruptly, realizing what she had said. She tried to backtrack. "I mean, that was only some of the time and I know he was really just concerned with my safety…" Bella trailed off not knowing really how to continue.

"No, he was more of a control freak than anything else," I finished for her.

"I don't know if that is exactly fair to say."

I felt Bella's insecurities and it bothered me a little as we both got in the vehicle and I started us out of town, getting on 101. "You know it is okay to say bad things about Edward. He wasn't perfect."

"I know."

"Are you sure? Sometimes it feels like you don't. You put him on such a pedestal and nobody else is ever going to live up to that."

"It's not like I am ever going to be involved with anybody else. I mean Edward was everything to me and I don't think anybody could replace him. I gave him my entire heart."

"You never know who may come along in the future. You shouldn't close yourself off to that possibility and that is what you are doing when you judge everybody in comparison to Edward. He wasn't perfect and nobody else is so you shouldn't expect it."

Now Bella was getting defensive. She brought her legs up to her chest and crossed her arms in front in front of them. "It's not that easy. To me he was perfect and it seems wrong to say anything bad about him. I mean he is dead, there is no use in it."

"I am not saying you should go out of your way to start bashing Edward, but don't turn a blind eye to his faults. Be realistic about him."

"Can you do that about Alice?" Bella asked, a little accusatory.

Something inside of me clenched defensively at the thought of saying anything bad about Alice. I mean she had been everything to me and my sole reason for sticking to this lifestyle. How could I desecrate her in anyway by pointing out her faults? Once I realized my line of thinking I knew I was being hypocritical and if I wanted Bella to follow my advice, I would have to as well. Bella seemed to realize that I was having this internal struggle because she turned her body towards me slightly, an eyebrow raised in question.

"Alice would put me in the most ridiculous clothes sometimes. My favorite pair of shoes in the entire world is this pair of black converse." I pointed towards my feet that were on the pedals. "But she hated them and would try to throw them out. She said they were so worn out and disgusting. I would argue with her that they were comfortable to run in because they were so flat. It was as close to being barefoot one could get while still having shoes. She would have none of this and insisted on buying me hundreds of pairs of designer shoes, especially cowboy boots. She said I was such a southern gentleman that I should look the part. Now, I like a pair of boots as much as the next southerner, but that doesn't mean I want to wear them all of the time."

Bella was silent for a minute, contemplating what I said. I could feel that she was struggling with something internally. I realized saying something negative about Alice, probably also went against Bella's moral code. She truly was too generous to us. It took her a little time to finally speak up. "Alice was so stubborn about clothes. I can't count the outrageous outfits that she tried to get me to wear. She never listened to me about how I just was more comfortable in jeans and blouses. I mean considering my tendency to fall, I really hated to wear skirts, but she never listened. She had a one track mind. I still miss her though," Bella said as if trying to reconcile what she had spoken about Alice.

"I know. I do too."

Silence filled the cab. I was glad she had said that. I knew it was hard to say, but we couldn't live with unreasonable pictures of Alice and Edward. That would just make us cling to them even harder. We had to remember the good with the bad, and just do our best to move on.

The silence reminded me of one of the many parts of the day I had planned. I reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out a small cd case. Bella eyed it and for the first time she noticed the new stereo system that was now in her dash.

"What is that?"

"It's your new cd player. Emmett's wanted a new one in his jeep for a while so he pulled out his old one and put it in here. Sorry it's used, but I figured you wouldn't care. I had hoped that since we didn't spend money on it you would be more receptive to accepting it, not that you really have a choice."

Knowing her argument about spending money was now shot, she tried a different approach. "I don't know why you wasted the effort. It's not like I listen to music anyways. I told you that."

"That's what is in here." I waved the cd folder, handing it to her to look at. "There are five mixes in there to get you started. Each member of the family put together some of their favorite music to give you something to listen to that didn't remind you of Edward. Instead you can think of that person while you listen to them. So who do you want to listen to first?"

* * *

I flipped through the booklet; five cd's were each graced with one of the Cullens' names on it. I had assumed with Edward's perfect script that all vampires had neat handwriting. However by the look of Emmett's scrawling words and Jasper's jagged writing, it was not the case. I had no idea where to begin. I guess the one that intrigued me the most was Rosalie. I couldn't imagine her making a cd for me. She was no longer hostile, but I couldn't get my mind to wrap around any other image of her other than her being cold and distant. I slid the cd out of its plastic sleeve and slid it in the player.

Once the first track played, Jasper nodded appreciatively. "Good choice. Rosalie has excellent music taste, leaning towards the classic rock and old school punk genres. If you want to see the names of the songs, everybody wrote down the tracks on their mix. I put the papers in one of the further sleeves."

Sure enough a couple of pages through the booklet there were some folded up pages stuffed in the plastic. I pulled out the one with Rosalie written on the outside and opened it up. According to the list this was Brain Damage by Pink Floyd.

"I know Pink Floyd and Dark Side of the Moon are clichéd classic rock, but there is a reason for it. They are really good and that album is near perfection."

And that is how the ride continued for a couple of hours. We listened to music, me soaking up the new sounds, while Jasper would make the occasional commentary on what we were listening, telling me whether or not he approved of the choice.

We got through Rosalie's mix, which I really enjoyed. Some of the punk was a little too out there for me, but I still liked a lot of the songs. I found I was a Creedence Clearwater Revival fan, who knew? Carlisle's mix was next and it was a lot of big band music. There were tons of jazz pieces, that leaned towards the brassier 40s sound. I liked it, although I knew it really wasn't something I would listen to every day. Esme's cd had a mix of softer jazz, although Jasper was quick to clarify that there was no smooth jazz on it as that would not be tolerated, along with some vocal music. One artist, Norah Jones, was particularly soothing which was nice. I knew Esme's cd would be useful in doing homework and reading. Emmett's was the craziest. He had everything on his cd and it wouldn't surprise me if he took joy in trying to make the cd as random as possible. There was hardcore hip hop, pop, rock, and even some country music. Jasper laughed at almost every song as if each song was a personal joke, for which it could have been. Jasper's cd I liked about equally as Rosalie's. His had a little classic rock on it, but he leaned towards the blues and southern genres. There was some Johnny Cash, Muddy Waters, and Chuck Berry.

Eventually, 101 started into more populated areas and soon faded into the sprawl that was the Olympia, Lacey, and Tumwater area. I had only been to Olympia a couple of times with Alice when she was desperate to hit up a mall. Even then, she was disappointed in the selection of stores in Olympia and usually preferred to make the extra hour and half drive to the shopping district in Seattle. As we merged onto I-5, Jasper pointed out our destination, the dome of the capital building that was visible towering above the tree line. It's dark grey exterior loomed above Olympia, contrasted beautifully with the dark green trees surrounding it.

"Hungry?" Jasper asked as we exited.

"Famished," I admitted. The pancakes from earlier felt like ages ago.

"Well, I have a picnic lunch packed and I thought you could eat on the capital lawn."

"We're going to the actual building?" I asked dubiously.

"Have you ever been to it?"

"Can't say that I have."

"It's a nice building and the grounds are really pretty."

Jasper parked the truck and I pushed my door open and hopped out of the cab. "Well, lead the way."

Jasper did. He grabbed a cooler and blanket from the back of the truck and headed out of the parking lot. There were numerous large, grey buildings with trees everywhere. The lawns and gardens were perfectly manicured. I vaguely wondered how much money they spent on hiring people to maintain the grounds. We rounded a corner and I could see the official capital building rising up in front of me. I had to admit it was very impressive. The exterior was worn and weathered giving the building a noble look.

Jasper led the way to a large fountain that was spraying up large amounts of water. It wasn't particularly fancy, but the streams of water were soothing and helped to drown out the traffic on the main street. Jasper sat down the cooler and spread out the flannel blanket that he had brought along. I plopped down onto the blanket, sitting cross legged. Jasper mirrored my position, pulling the small cooler over, handing it to me.

"Esme packed the food, so there is no need to be concerned."

I smiled at this. Jasper's knowledge of food and what went well together was very limited. One time he made me a sandwich consisting of mayonnaise, ham, and peanut butter. I had taken a bite without thinking and had proceeded to spit it out. He had looked disappointed in himself, so I showed him that these ingredients were great for making a sandwich, just not on the same one. He was slowly learning, but it took time.

I opened the lid and glanced inside. There was a plain sandwich wrapped neatly in saran wrap, a bottle of water, a can of soda, an apple, and a chocolate pudding cup. I dived in, greedily unwrapping the sandwich first. I bit into the bologna sandwich, pleased that there was only mayonnaise and cheese on it.

Jasper made sure I was happy with my lunch, before leaning back and laying down on the grass. It was kind of nice that he didn't watch me eat. Sometimes it had been unnerving how much Edward would stare while I would eat, him just watching as I took each bite. Jasper mostly ignored me. It didn't seem like he was purposely doing it, but just that he found other things more interesting, which was fine by me. It put less pressure, making sure that I didn't have crumbs on my chin or something. I ate my food quickly, giving out a small burp after downing half of the can of root beer. I sighed pleasantly glancing over at Jasper. A few stray curls were falling into his eyes. I leaned forward gently swiping my fingers across his forehead, pushing the hairs aside. He glanced at me, his small smile reaching his eyes which made my heart sore. He looked more peaceful than he had in a long time.

"Enjoying the beautiful sky," I noted, waving towards the solid mass above us. It was a relatively warm day, but the sun still was not going to make an appearance today. I was thankful for that.

"Actually I was. There won't be many more days like this in the future and I will once again be trapped indoors."

I thought back to last summer with Edward. Washington summers were full of sunny days, contrary to popular belief. Edward and I had spent many hours outdoors, him showing me his favorite places in the surrounding woods. I remember us inviting Alice to join us, but she opted to stay indoors more often than not. Besides hunting, she did not enjoy many outdoor activities. I don't think we actually ever invited Jasper; personally I assumed that because Alice wasn't going he wouldn't. Maybe the reason he had stayed indoors so often before, was not out of choice, but out of lack of invitations out.

"Maybe, this summer you and I can go outside, away from pesky humans. I'm sure there are numerous places we can go out of the public eye."

Jasper's smile widened and it made me feel warm inside knowing that I had made that happen. I fulfilled my hope that I could make his whole face brighten. It was a lovely feeling knowing that I did that.

"I would love that. If we get really desperate I'm sure we can borrow Carlisle's car and just go for drives."

"Sounds great. This summer should be good."

'"If you're done eating then I think we can head off to our next destination."

"Which is?" I was curious as to what he had planned out with me in mind.

"I don't know how much you have thought about college, but I thought we could visit two of the schools in town today. There is Evergreen State College and then South Puget Sound Community College. They're both good schools and would allow you to attend school not that far from Charlie."

I looked down at my hands contemplating what he had said. "I had actually not thought about college that much lately. Edward had been so pushy about making sure I got into a really good school. I kind of dropped the whole thing since he left. Since I will probably be changed in the near future I really hadn't thought about going to school."

"I completely understand, but I just want to make sure you have options. You don't have to, but I hear it is a very important human experience."

I looked up as he told me this. "Wait, have you never been to college."

It was Jasper's turn to drop his eyes. "Forks is the first time that I have actually completed high school. I have attempted it over the years, but my control had been less than stellar. I've taken a course or two online, but there is only so many interesting online courses."

"If I attended college for a quarter or two, would you go with me?"

"I was thinking about it, if you didn't mind. I think Rosalie and Emmett kind of wanted to take some classes again. They are tired of the whole high school scene."

"I don't have to live in a dorm though, do I?" I hesitated at the thought of living with some random stranger, or worse with Rosalie. I internally shuttered at the thought.

"Nah, you and I can live in an apartment or house if you want. I suggest that you don't live with Rosalie and Emmett. They really do like their alone time." Jasper smirked at this comment.

"What about Esme and Carlisle?"

"I talked with them last night, the idea of you maybe taking some classes. They liked the idea a lot, but they thought they might just stay in Forks for the time being. They thought they would give us 'kids' the true college experience."

I emotionally cringed at the idea of leaving Carlisle and Esme. I really had grown to depend on them in the last couple of weeks. Jasper sensed these emotions and continued on. "They won't be far, just a quick drive the way we vampires drive. Even if you wanted to go to school out of state, we have numerous credit cards for last minute plane tickets."

I felt relieved at that, but something he said caught my interest. "So, I'm picking the school we are going to. Don't you or Rosalie and Emmett have input on the decision."

"Emmett and Rosalie don't really care that much, they just want a change of pace. I think they are getting a little claustrophobic in Forks, especially with everything that has happened. As for me, there is plenty of time for me to go to any school I want down the line. You get the first pick."

I couldn't help but think did he really have all the time in the world. I bet Alice and Edward had thought the same thing. I had thought of vampires as being untouchable. Now, I knew first hand how even the immortal could be taken away from you. However, I really didn't want to dampen the conversation. He was being so sweet to me and trying to give me a chance to do something positive. I really did appreciate that. "So we are visiting two of my choices today?"

"Yes. I thought you probably didn't really want to be too far from Charlie so these were my first guesses for you. However, there are still tons of in-state and out-state schools that you can choose from. You name the school that you want to go to and I will make the plans."

"You mean make the appropriate bribes for them to accept my late application?" I quirked an eyebrow up.

Jasper shrugged non-chalantly. "Well, that too."

The rest of the afternoon was one of the most relaxing days I had experienced. Jasper and I wandered over the two campuses, enjoying ourselves immensely. Both campuses were full of greenery and the bustling of students going places, even though it was a Saturday. I had to admit that the Evergreen campus had a particular smell to it and when I mentioned it to Jasper, he just chuckled, not telling me what the smell was. SPSCC, as I learned to call it, had a smaller vibe and was simple. I liked it a lot and would look up later what kind of courses they offered.

After the school tours Jasper took me to a bookstore downtown called Orca Books. He told me they had both used and new books making it so you could find almost anything there. I looked at him a little dubiously when I surveyed the size of the store, but I walked in anyways. I was quickly assaulted with numerous political books, not leaving any question in my mind what kind of political leanings the owners had. However, once I got past those displays I found shelves upon shelves packed with books. There was a heavenly smell of paper permeating the air. I took a turn down a random shelf and started to peruse through the books aimlessly. Jasper left me to browse on my own while he went in search of a few books.

I scoured every inch of that bookstore, glancing at every shelf. We must have been there for over an hour, but Jasper never complained. He would find me every now and again, making sure that I was doing okay before he thought of something else to look up and would disappear down another row of books. Considering how small the store was it truly did hold a lot of books and I had a small stack in my hands as I made my way to find Jasper and tell him that I was done. Jasper glanced through my titles, mumbling his approval when he came across Cannery Row by John Steinbeck in my pile.

"I really enjoyed Of Mice and Men and I thought I would try another one of his books."

"You chose a good one. I love that book," Jasper replied, taking the stack from my hand to add to his own books as he led us to the checkout counter.

I eyed a few stickers on the counter with amusement before turning my attention to the girl who was scanning each of the books. I was curious as to what Jasper had picked out. Below my large pile of books were three that Jasper had picked out. There was a biography if Teddy Roosevelt, a history of the Rough Riders, and then randomly the latest Harry Potter book. I couldn't contain the giggle that escaped my mouth.

Jasper glared at me. "What? I heard somebody saying that Dumbledore got killed in this book so of course I have to find out for myself what happens."

I just shook my head and decided not to respond as he paid with one of the numerous credit cards that lived in the little sleeves of his wallet. He took the bag full of our books from the worker, giving her a beautiful smile that made her freeze for a brief moment. Poor girl, I thought to myself, knowing exactly how she feels.

"So where are we going next?" I asked Jasper as I climbed back into the truck. I hoped it was to food as my stomach started to make a gurgling sound in protest.

As if reading my mind, or hearing my stomach, Jasper answered, "I thought we could get some dinner. There are a couple good choices in this area, well that is according to a guide I found online. It all depends on what kind of food you feel like."

I gave this some thought. I instinctively was going to say Italian, but decided against it when I remembered Edward and my first date. I blurted out the next thing that came out of my head. "How about a burger?"

Jasper paused briefly, possibly sifting through his mental list that he had memorized. "Sure thing. There is a place not that far from here, although it is not a restaurant so we won't be able to sit down, but it is supposed to have the best burgers and milkshakes."

"Sounds good to me." It would be better if it wasn't a restaurant. That meant he wasn't staring at me for the whole meal.

We drove through downtown and back up the hill towards Westside Olympia. Jasper pulled off the road next to a small building. It looked too small to produce any kind of food, but plastered to the side of the outside was a rather large menu to select from. I really didn't feel like reading the whole list so I just ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a blackberry milkshake. We waited for about five minutes, listening to the radio, before a man brought out the food in a brown bag sporting grease stains towards bottom of the bag. Once I had the food in my hand Jasper started to drive again, heading out of town.

"Are we heading back to Forks?"

"Not yet," he replied simply, not elaborating on our plans.

I shrugged my shoulder, as if my sheer curiosity was not burning a hole in my brain. I reached in took a bite of my fry and gave an appreciative moan. I ate while Jasper got us back onto the highway, heading back North. However, we took the wrong side of the junction to head back to Forks. According to the sign we were heading towards Shelton and Port Angeles. The other direction was the faster way around the peninsula. I had no idea what could be in these towns that would be of any interest to me. Jasper should have been able to feel my confusion but he did nothing to alleviate it. He just kept driving, leaning back in a relaxed position with a small smile resting on his lips. Fine, I would just finish my meal. I sucked down some more of the thick blackberry shake, inhaling yet another chunk of a berry. It was easily one of the best milkshakes I had ever had. The burger and fries were good as well, and by the time I was done I felt completely satisfied.

The truck slowed down as Jasper exited. There were a few building, a gas station, restaurant, and a car dealership. A large sign was adorned with the name Taylor Towne. I looked around trying to find something that would bring us here. That's when I spotted it, down the road we had turned onto. Jasper's grinned as my excitement grew anticipating where we were going. In front was a large marquee that was faded, looking like it was built in the 50's and had yet to be replaced. The Skyline Theater had two movies playing tonight. I bounced in my seat a little, looking forward to going to the drive in theater.

Jasper pulled the truck up next to the booth and paid for us both, listening to the man's instructions that we could park in the last third of the parking lot. Jasper then drove us through and around the fence to the actual lot with the theater. He parked towards the rear of the lot by backing into the space, so the bed of the truck was facing the screen. I looked at him in question.

"Haven't you ever been to a drive in movie?"

I shook my head, "nope."

"We can sit in the cab and watch the movie that way, but personally I think the best way to enjoy the movie is to lay in the back of a truck."

That actually sounded good, so I pushed my door open to move towards the back of the truck. I pulled the tailgate down and was about to boost myself in the back when Jasper took me by the waist and simply seated me in the back.

"You know I could have done it by myself?"

"Without getting a concussion?" Jasper retorted quickly.

He had me there so I dropped the subject. I looked at the front of the bed and saw a large stack of blankets and pillows, another cooler, and a grocery bag. "You really thought of everything."

Jasper shrugged at my comment. "I try." He hopped into the back of the truck and quickly started to arrange the pillows against the wall to the cab and laid some of the blankets down onto the bed of the truck. He then pulled a couple more blankets to the side for me to actually use. He took a seat, using some of the pillows and putting a blanket on his lap. I assumed he didn't need it but just did it to keep up with human appearances. He patted the seat next to him and I crawled over quickly, pulling a blanket over to me. I sat down as close as I could to Jasper, placing the blanket over my own lap, just like him.

"So what are in those?" I pointed towards the grocery bags and cooler.

"I know you are probably not hungry at the moment after eating, but I brought snacks for you along with some drinks which are in the cooler." He placed the bag and cooler on my other side so I could grab from it anytime I wanted. He then pulled a radio out of the other bag. "This is to listen to the movies on." He turned on what looked to be an expensive radio and quickly scanned the channels before falling on one that was currently playing some soft rock music.

Then Jasper got up a little from his seat and slid open the back window to my truck. He reached in and pulled out our bag from Orca books. He pulled out his book on the Rough Riders before handing the bag to me. "The movies doesn't start until dusk which we probably have about 45 minutes to an hour until. Sorry that it is a little of wait, but trust me it is worth it."

"I don't mind," I told him honestly. Sitting here and reading sounded nice. I took out a collection of short stories by L.M. Montgomery and opened it to the first page. However, I didn't start reading right away. I was intrigued by the atmosphere of the drive in. Cars were trickling in, parking all over the lot. Some families set up camping chairs outside of their vehicles while others sat up in the bed of the truck like us. There were a couple who propped the trunks open to hatchback vehicles and sat in it that way. There were relatively few people who were just sitting in their closed vehicles. It was like a part of the drive in experience was the social atmosphere. Teens were meandering car to car, saying hi to friends and stopping to gossip. Sets of parents would talk to other parents while children ran about freely. The entire area was fenced in so the children could not go far. I even spotted a few kids playing up near the screen in the grass.

I picked my book back up and was about to read when I glanced over at Jasper. His face was a look of utter concentration and it fascinated me. His eyes moved across the page at a surprisingly slow pace. I remember that Edward would go through books so quickly, turning pages faster than I could keep track of. However, Jasper's eyes were reading each word purposefully, soaking up the meaning of what he was learning. I glanced at the title again, wondering what the interest held for him. I couldn't stop myself before I vocalized this thought. "Why do you want to know about the Rough Riders? Didn't you live during that time period?" It was true. He once told me that he was over a hundred years old. That was all he would tell me about his past.

Jasper glanced up out of his book, meeting my eyes. He stared at me a moment as if deciding how to answer. "I was around during this time, but I guess you could say I wasn't really in any state to keep up with the current human affairs at the time. I have just recently gotten into a Teddy Roosevelt faze, as clichéd as that may be. I really don't know much about culture and politics during this time."

I didn't like the evasion, and he must have known it would bother me. "What was distracting you from human events?"

Jasper's eyes tightened a little around the corners as I said this, not looking angry but not happy. I almost regretted saying anything, wanting his face to go back to the relaxed state it had been. I hated seeing his face looking unhappy at all. However, I knew that I wanted to know about his past. I felt like we were becoming good friends and in order for that relationship to be real, I knew that he needed to open up to me and trust that I would still be there for him. I would not judge him for his past.

"Bella, you have to know that it is very difficult to talk about my past. I have tried to leave it behind me."

"But whether you like it or not, it is a part of who you are today. I want to know your past in order to get to know you better. You are so locked up sometimes and I just want you to trust me enough to open up to me."

"I do trust you."

"Then why can't you tell me?"

I could see the resignation slowly fall across his face. "Okay, I will tell you, but not tonight. I don't want my past to darken what has been almost a perfect day for me. I will tell you soon."

"Tomorrow?" I pushed.

Jasper rolled his eyes at my suggestion, but nodded in agreement.

"Do you promise?"

Jasper sighed heavily. "I promise, Bella that I will tell you all the gory details about my past tomorrow."

I leaned back into my comfortable pile of pillows, content with the answer. "Thank you."

"Can I go back to reading?" Jasper asked me.

I picked up my own book as it to illustrate to him that I was done with our conversation. That's how we spent the time before the movies, each sitting comfortably as we read our respective books in peace. I completely lost myself in the book that I didn't notice the natural light starting to fade. I was jolted back to where we were when the music on the radio abruptly stopped. We each closed our books and set them aside as the green bar before a movie trailer was displayed on the screen in front of us. It wasn't until after the trailer that I realized I had no idea what movies we were watching. I had been so caught up in the prospect of going to a drive in that I forgot to actually pay attention to what movies were listed on the marquee.

"Umm, Jasper what movies are playing tonight?"

"Cars and Pirates of the Caribbean 2," Jasper answered my question, only chuckling slightly at my lack of observation.

I really knew nothing about either of these movies, but that didn't bother me. I looked forward to the next couple of hours where I had to think about nothing but the colorful pictures in front of me. There was nothing that I could do and I appreciated that freedom. I leaned against Jasper's side and he didn't hesitate to put his arm around me to pull me closer. He took the blanket from his lap and draped it over me fully, making me feel warm and content. I settled in as a short cartoon opened the movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you couldn't tell from this chapter, I am from Washington and have grown up in the Olympia area. Many of my friends love Twilight, but it always bugs us that there are some slight discrepancies that SMeyer didn't get right, that only other Washingtonians care about, lol. So, if it bothered you that I went to far out of Forks, I'm sorry, I just wanted to incorporate some of my knowledge in what I hoped was a believable way.
> 
> This chapter I was a little hesitant about, because normally I don't like naming literature or music that characters like because I don't want to alienate readers and honestly it bothers me so much when people push their own tastes on their characters. I tried to be as true as possible to what they would actually like and not just what I like. Feel free to chew me out if you think I got it wrong. Actually I would love to hear what others think the characters might listen to or read.


	9. All These Things I've Done

_And when there's nowhere else to run_   
_Is there room for one more son_   
_These changes ain't changing me_   
_The cold-hearted boy I used to be_

-All These Things I've Done by The Killers

**Chapter Nine**

Bella shifted a little, moving her head so it now faced me as she lay across the seat of the truck. Initially, when she had of her own volition fell into this position, I couldn't stop the flashbacks to the day she had the motorcycle accident. Tonight, the circumstances of her resting her head in my lap was of a much more pleasant nature. Surprisingly, Bella had staid up for both movies at the theater. She seemed to enjoy the movies, letting herself get sucked into the stories. She laughed numerous times in the evening, more though during Cars than the Pirates movie. Not until we started to drive back to Forks did she start to drift off to sleep. She slid in Esme's cd full of soothing music. She arranged herself so that she was lying across the seat and that her head fell in my lap. She pulled the blanket around herself and quickly fell into peaceful sleep.

I did not push the trucks speed as we made our way back to Forks. There was no rush for me to return. I actually had a lot to contemplate thanks to Bella. I did not understand her persistence in learning my history. It was disturbing and I tried to warn her of this. However, she could not be deterred. Honestly, the thought of telling her my past scared the living shit out of me. There was no way she would look at me the same after I told her my story.

The idea of actually running away or breaking my promise appealed to me. I normally was not one to break my word. However, this was an exception to the norm and I hesitated, considering refusing to tell Bella what I had done. There was something in me that truly desired her approval and companionship. I felt that would disappear when she knew about the vampire wars and that frightened me. I almost had to laugh at the thought that this small, human girl could shake me up so easily.

I paused in my thoughts as Bella's voice filled the cab. She was obviously was still asleep and it was only one word, but it was enough for my life to alter in that moment. She simply spoke my name, which she had done on too many occasions to count. However, the pure emotion lacing her voice was earth shattering to me. The tone was full of tenderness and love. I think it was the first time in my vampire life that I actually was more affected by the emotions in a voice than any real emotions. I knew at that moment that I was bound to this woman and I would do anything she asked of me, including telling her my past.

I resolved that I would give her what she desired, the truth. I would not hide anything from her. I shouldn't shield her from the very possible future that awaits her. It was not fair to keep it from her, especially when she would be deciding her fate for all of eternity.

I was at peace with my decision which made the rest of the drive go much quicker. I lost myself in the soft music playing, letting it lull me into a relaxed state. Esme's music had the same effect on me that it had on Bella, calming and comforting. It was like a mother's embrace.

When I arrived back at the house, the lights were on throughout the house. It did not look like it was 3:30 am. I pulled Bella into my arms as gently as possible, keeping the blanket wrapped around her so she wouldn't wake from the coldness that emanated from my skin. I used my powers to keep her in deep sleep as I carried her swiftly up to her bedroom, gently depositing her on her bed. I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear before heading down the stairs to actually greet the rest of the family.

They were all together in the living room. Emmett and Rosalie were playing a few rounds of Mario Kart on the Gamecube, obviously still trying to decide who was the champion of the game. Esme and Carlisle were sitting in the loveseat, laughing at the two. Carlisle had a book in his lap, with one arm thrown around Esme casually. Esme had a sketchpad on her lap and a few pencils, obviously just doing a few rough drawings. I went and sat down by the love seat, leaning my head against the side. Esme did not hesitate in reaching over and slowly smoothing the unmaneagable curls on my head. It was such a simple maternal show of affection, but it meant the world to me and I sighed, letting myself relax more fully.

"How was your day in Olympia?" Carlisle asked, sliding a piece of paper between the pages to mark his spot.

"We had a lot of fun. It was actually interesting to me because for the first time in a long time I felt human. It was such an ordinary day."

Esme chuckled. "She seems to have that effect on a lot of people."

"Did you show her the schools?" Emmett asked, not moving his eyes from the screen as he and Rosalie raced through one of the beach courses.

"Yeah, she seemed to really take a liking to SPSCC. We might look at some more places, but I think she enjoyed Olympia."

"Sweet! I have had so many pranks I have wanted to try out on our dear Bella that Esme won't let me do here."

"Umm, about that Emmett," I cleared my throat a little. "I don't think it is a good idea that Bella live in the same house as you and Rosalie."

Emmett bristled a little at this, pausing the game so he could face me. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, simply that you and Rosalie…well…" I thought for a brief second, hoping I could come up with a slightly more delicate way to say it in front of two people that I looked upon as parental figures. I came up short. "Honestly, you two have the loudest sex known to man and no matter how thick the insulation is or how weak Bella's humans ears are, there is no hiding it. I really think it best that we don't subject her to that."

Emmett looked like he was about to argue when Esme laughed. "Don't deny it, Em. You two really are quite at ease with displaying your affection and that might not be the most comfortable of situations for Bella."

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders, not really arguing, but Emmett looked slightly deflated. I tried to cheer him back up. "Don't worry. We will get places near each other and you will have plenty of opportunities to pull pranks on Bella."

Emmett seemed to be slightly appeased by this and turned back around to face the game. I spoke up before they unpaused the game though. "Umm, Rosalie, I have a question for you." I hated how Bella had so unnerved me that I sounded unsure with myself, even with my own family.

Rosalie's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, aware that I had a very serious voice. "Shoot."

"Have you ever considered telling Bella about your human life and how you were turned?"

Rosalie's face instantly transformed. I recognized it as a face of a girl who had been cruelly mistreated and forced into a life she did not want. Rosalie often gave off the air of being someone who just plain didn't give a shit. But every now and again I would note a change and see the face that probably more closely resembled her human self.

"Not really. I don't think she really needs to know about that part of my past. Why do you ask?"

"I feel the same way about my past, however it seems Bella has other ideas. She has been bothering me about telling her about my past and I promised I would tell her tomorrow."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of when telling your story," Esme immediately offered up, as if she could read my emotions.

"Maybe," I hedged, not really believing it. "It just seems like a horrible tale to tell Bella. But I kind of came to the conclusion that maybe she should know. She has a decision to make regarding her future, and I wonder if in order to make a more informed choice, she should hear both about my history with newborns, but also know what she is giving up. That's where you come in." I stared at Rosalie.

She didn't say anything initially, digesting my words. "Maybe you're right. I once didn't understand how she could want this life and in a way I still don't know why completely. Maybe I should explain that to her so she can get another perspective."

"That's all I'm saying."

I small moan interrupted our conversation and I reached out with my powers to feel Bella's fear. She must be having a nightmare, I thought to myself as I darted quickly up the stairs. I rushed into to room and was proved right when I saw Bella completely tangled up in the blankets. I was instantly at Bella's side, on my knees. I reached out and took Bella's hand in my own, sending her feelings of contentment and exhaustion to push her into deeper sleep. She mumbled something about Alice and the Volturi. I exerted more energy into getting her to sleep which seemed to work. I didn't dare leave her side the rest of the night, lest the nightmares reappeared.

* * *

I stretched my legs as I slowly regained consciousness. I rubbed my legs together, noting that I had fallen asleep in the jeans and t-shirt I had been wearing yesterday. It's a weird sensation waking up in denim rather than the usual cotton of sweatpants or lounge pants. I gave out a large yawn as I slowly opened my eyes to the bright light flooding into my room. It was going to be a sunny day in Forks today.

"Mornin'," Jasper's warm voice greeted me.

"Good morning," my voice cracking slightly. I cleared my throat trying to get the sleep out of my voice.

"I thought you and I could take a walk this morning and talk."

I immediately sat up, alert. I was instantly reminded of Jasper's promise to tell me his story today. I knew this is what we were going to talk about. "I just need to take a shower and grab a quick bite."

Jasper nodded and smiled at my enthusiasm, although his happiness did not reach his eyes. They were filled with worry and his eyebrows were slightly scrunched up in concentration. I wanted to smooth out his features, but knew that I had brought this on both of us. The best that could be expected was this being over as quickly as possible. For that to happen I needed to actually get into the shower.

So, that's what I did. I hopped into the shower, cleaning quickly. I then joined everybody else downstairs to eat a quick bowl of cereal. Jasper waited patiently as I ate as quickly as possible without choking on my cheerios. Esme reminded me to bring a sweater because it was still a little chilly outside. It was nice to be doted on by Esme and to be taken care of rather than the other way around.

Jasper and I headed out the back door in the kitchen, him leading me towards the stream that wound its way through the back yard. He brought me to the edge. I eyed its length dubiously, and wondered how deep the water was. Without saying a thing, Jasper quickly picked me up, hugging me to his body as he lept lithely across the river. He let me down gently as we arrived on the other side. We walked through the forest for a few minutes in silence. I had a feeling that the walk itself was not the time for our talk. Jasper was walking with a purpose, making me think we were going somewhere to have our discussion.

Jasper pushed aside the overgrowth and brought me into a small clearing with a small stone cottage in the center. The building was old and decrepit, but I felt an almost unconscious draw to the building. It had a charm to it that somehow intrigued me. Jasper pulled me to the side where there was a small overgrown garden, with remnants of a fence sticking out of the ground at odd angles. Jasper plopped down onto a grassy patch in the garden. I mimicked his motion, sitting cross-legged so that I was facing him. I wanted to see his face when he told his story.

"As you can guess, I brought you out here to tell you about my past. First, I have to say something about you has changed me, because I completely intended to break my promise, something I don't do lightly. That should tell you how dark this tale is. But, I couldn't bring myself to disappoint you."

It was at that moment when the seriousness of the situation dawned on me. "All I want is get to know you Jasper, the real you. I want to know everything about you."

At this Jasper smiled ruefully. "There are parts of my past that I keep hidden for a reason. I have done things I am ashamed of."

"But, that doesn't change that you are a person worth knowing. There is a reason that Alice loved you so dearly that she tried to keep you safe. I want to know the Jasper she knew."

I think I struck a chord with that because Jasper's shoulder's straightened and he took a deep breath. "I was born Jasper Whitlock in 1843 on a small farm in Texas."

I gasped a little at this, not able to comprehend how old Jasper was. He was the second oldest Cullen, but to me he sometimes felt like the youngest, probably because of his troubles with the diet. I was about to say something, but I remembered how Jasper had tried so hard to keep silent when I told him what had happened in my life for those six months. I would give Jasper the same courtesy.

Jasper sensed my resolution to being quiet and continued on. "I don't know much about my childhood except that I was happy. I remember playing a lot and being full of energy which would exasperate my mother. However everything changed with the outbreak of the civil war. I was coming of age during those turbulent years and the war had a profound impact on my life. Back then, there was a strong sense of duty to the service and I was young and naïve. I had great dreams of glory and recognition. I was still young at the start of the war which made my mother happy. However, I traveled over a county so they wouldn't recognize me and enlisted when I was sixteen.

"I don't remember much except for a couple things. First and foremost, the war was bloody and gruesome. There was no glory when kids, just like me were fighting our brothers and killing each other." He paused for a second as if collecting his thoughts. His eyes were focused over my shoulder, not looking me in the eye. His face was scrunched up as if recalling these details took a lot of concentration. "I didn't abandon the cause. I was fiercely loyal. I quickly rose through the ranks. Even in my human life I had a certain way of influencing those around me. My father called it natural charisma. This was a good quality to have in a leader and I was promoted easily. Even using my fake age, I was the youngest Major in the confederate army.

"Everything changed one evening when my regiment was evacuating a town. I lagged behind and outside of town there were three devastatingly beautiful women." His tone softened a little at this and he looked down now, losing himself in the memory. "Being the stupid, southern gentleman, I stopped to see if they needed my assistance. They barely paid me any attention as they were having a deep conversation, something about changing me and whether I was an asset. I was confused by this, but their hold on me did not allow for me to leave. I was stuck where I was. Their names were Nettie, Lucy, and," he paused. When he spoke again, his voice was filled with venom. "And Maria. Maria was the one that changed me. Apparently she had the most control of the three of them. They lived off a diet of humans and knew very little control. Changing a human into a vampire is very difficult because of the excitement that the blood causes in us. She was able to manage it though, and I became a soldier in Maria's army."

Now I was a little confused. I couldn't help myself from asking, "A vampire army?"

"Sorry, I forgot you don't know about the history that is common knowledge for many of our kind. During this period there were intense struggles in the South over different territories, specifically cities. Covens of vampires would form alliances to try to gain control of the largest cities. Cities in the South were developing rapidly, leading to a huge influx of population. With such large amounts of people in confined spaces it was a perfect hunting ground for vampires. Disappearances of humans often went unnoticed or at least poorly investigated. This was especially true if the human was poor. Luckily there was a large amount of impoverished people in these cities."

"The fighting came to a head before my time, and it had no longer been well concealed. Vampires had been getting careless and humans had been becoming suspicious. This is where the Volturi came in."

I couldn't stop the shudder that racked my body at the mention of their name. Jasper seemed to say their name very bitterly, unable to hide his disdain for the group.

"The Volturi are meant to keep the peace among different vampire groups and most importantly intervene when vampires are stupid enough to make themselves known to humans. Most of the Volturi guard came over and cleared up the mess that was made, exterminating whole covens without hesitation. These vampires had broken the law in their eyes and needed to be punished. The Volturi were trying to make examples of the covens to show how serious the consequences were for breaking the one law that our society had."

"Things were quiet for a while, but eventually the feuds arose again. Needless to say, we don't change easily and the draw of the power and blood that one had if he controlled a city was too much to resist for some. The wars started to arise again, but much more quietly this time. In that sense they had learned a lesson. Most of the covens were smart enough to keep their numbers as small as possible, making it important that the fighters that they did have be as lethal as possible. That is where newborns come in. How much do you know about newborns?"

I thought back over Edward and my brief conversations we had on the subject, which were few. "Not much. Edward tried to shield this from me and since it was never an option for me to be changed, he saw no need in me knowing about the process of the transformation, except that it was painful."

"My reason for telling you this is two fold then. First, obviously it is a part of my story, but I also want you to consider what I have to say because it is an inescapable part of the transformation and you need to know this in order to make an informed decision about becoming a vampire."

"I understand," I told Jasper.

"The actual transformation is excruciating, the worst pain that can be imagined. It lasts approximately three days, the constant burning. When one awakes, the first thing that registers is the extreme thirst for blood. Newborns are voracious. All they can think about is satisfying their never ending desire for fresh, human blood. A part of this first year is also immeasurable strength. Even compared to the strongest vampire you can think of, they are more powerful. This strength lasts for about a year, and then slowly the lust for blood along with the strength slowly fades, leading to your average, every day vampire," Jasper smiled at this. He spoke seriously, but I could tell the detached facts were easier to tell than his personal story. His face turned more serious, which told me he was shifting gears.

"I was changed for this purpose. I was to be a fighter in Maria's army. Nettie and Lucy were her sisters and were supposed co-leaders with her. Eventually, though, Maria showed herself to be the more capable of them and had her own sisters killed off. That was when I knew this woman was a force to be reckoned with."

"Usually, after about a year, as a vampires strength starts to wane, Maria would have them killed, only to be replaced with fresh converts. I escaped this fate as I proved myself to be very useful, not only with my superior fighting skills, but also my power to manipulate and feel emotions. I could help keep the usually ornery newborns under control. I kept the fighting amongst them to a minimum. I became Maria's second in command and it was during this time that I did my most horrendous acts. I showed no restraint in satisfying my appetite for blood. I lived a gluttonous lifestyle. I killed the young and old alike, showing no mercy to any. I also killed those of my own kind indiscriminately. I was in charge of clearing out the newborns that were no longer of any use to Maria and her cause. I was created to kill and I did it well, too well. I continued like this for decades. And I have the scars to prove it."

Jasper stopped and pulled up the sleeve of his thermal shirt up as far is it would go. He pointed his arm in my direction, letting it fall into beam of sunlight that sneaked through the branches of the trees. Again I noticed that his skin glittered in a way that was different than any other vampires. There was something on his skin refracting light, causing the sparkling to take on a different look. I reached out and examined his skin, noticing the markings scattered along his forearm that grew in intensity closer to his shoulder. I traced one of the crescent shapes, finally recognized them as bite marks. They were scars from all the battles he had been in. I put my own scar up next to his arm comparing the two. I felt an overwhelming amount of sadness for Jasper. Nobody should have had to go through what he had. There were at least a dozen scars on this arm alone. I couldn't imagine how many riddled his body. At that thought a small tear escaped and fell down my cheek. It was stopped halfway by a cool hand.

"Don't feel sad for me Bella. I inflicted much more damage than I received. I deserve these scars. They serve as a reminder of who I was. Is this story too much? Do you want me to continue?"

I gave a silent nod and he went on with his story. "My life altered when I started to form a bond with one of the newborns, his name was Peter. He became a friend of mine. It was surprising to me to have an actual comrade in arms. When Peter moved out of his newborn stage, I was able to convince Maria that Peter was still of use to us. It came at a cost though; Maria started to have her suspicions of my loyalty. Peter and I grew closer and closer, and he was there through the daily trials that were brought on by working for Maria.

"However, that was changed when Peter and I were ordered to kill a group of newborns that were moving out of the newborn stage. Peter and I were doing our job when it came time to kill one female, her name was Charlotte. Peter started to talk uncontrollably about how Charlotte was still able and we should spare her. I didn't listen and moved in to kill her. Peter flared up, protective of Charlotte. It was then that I finally noticed the bond between the two of them. They were mates. How I had failed to notice it before still astounds me. I guess that just shows how detached I was from anything positive. I don't think I recognized the love between them at first. When I still moved in to confront them, Peter and Charlotte fled together. I did the first positive thing in this life; I let them go and did not pursue them. Of course I had to face the wrath of Maria, but I didn't care.

"Life was different after that. I grew more and more depressed with the loss of my friend. My one connection to a human life was gone and I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. Every emotion was sharper than ever. I was wearied by feeling every emotion of my victims, their fear, sadness, and pain. It was truly terrible, though probably less than what I truly deserved. I was saved though when Peter returned for me one day. He wanted me to run away with me and join me in his new life. I did not hesitate, feeling that Maria was becoming more and more untrusting of me, probably plotting my own death. I felt no tie to the life that had been chosen for me. I left and never regretted it for a second.

"I traveled with Peter and Charlotte for a little while but even their continual diet of humans was growing tired. I was connected with my victim's emotions. I continued in my depression. However, I didn't know anything else, and all those years of instant gratification proved to be hard to break. It was during this dark time that my whole life was transformed in one instant." Jasper finally looked up at me, and his face lit up. I had a feeling I knew where this story was going.

"It was a rainy day in Philadelphia. I walked into a diner and a small, woman jumped off her stool and headed towards me. I instantly recognized her as a vampire and I actually started to get into a defensive stance, fighting being my main dealings with my kind. However, she just smiled at me and told me she had been waiting for me for quite some time. Apparently she had a vision of me and thus had looked for me. It was an amazing moment, and everything shifted in that moment. It was the first time in my life that I felt hope. I had never known that emotion before Alice.

"We traveled for a couple of years, blissfully happy and then we met the Cullens. Of course Alice saw this coming as well and knew that our future was with them. I struggled with the diet the most. You have to understand something though, I appreciate the diet more than anybody, except maybe Carlisle. It has been such a relief to not have to feel every emotion of my victims last moments. Instead, hunting is a peaceful activity. My mind knows this. However, my body is in constant battle with my mind, wanting what it had grown accustomed to for almost a hundred years. The constant desire for blood has been hard to shake, and it's a daily battle between these two sides. My struggle with this diet is not my lack of respect for the sanctity of human life. I guess you can say I am a recovering addict who is always tempted by my drug of choice."

Jasper wasn't looking at me and I guessed that he expected to run away from him, screaming bloody murder. "Jasper." He wouldn't look up though. So, I brought my hand up and brushed a few stray curls out of his face. I placed my hand under his chin, in encouragement of him lifting his head. I knew I could not physically affect him, but I hoped he would at least get the message.

Slowly, he tilted his face up to look me in the eye. I knew that I had to be honest with him, because that is what he needed, not fake sympathy. "Yes, what you did was terrible. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you what you did was okay." I moved my hand to his cheek, encouraging him to not look away, which he didn't. His eyes held mine firmly. "But, you have changed. You are no longer that person. What you did is in the past and although it was terrible what you did, there is nothing you can do about it now. The best you can do is to change your life, which you have done. Everyday you walk by humans you would have killed before. Now you are able to restrain yourself."

"Not every time," Jasper added darkly.

I couldn't help myself when he said this. I got up and started to storm away from Jasper before turning back at the last moment. He was still sitting on the ground, his eyes wide in shock. "I am tired of hearing you blame yourself for that day. It was a fucking cut. There was blood in the air. Of course you are going to lose control. It was not something that you could help."

Jasper got up, moving so he was in front of me, his face frustrated. "Then why could everybody else stay calm but me?"

"Because they have never had to struggle with their thirst like you have. Yes it is sometimes uncomfortable to be around humans, but they know no other lifestyle. How can they struggle against a life that they have not experienced? You however were used to satisfying your thirst by any means necessary for 100 years and yet you decide to change. Edward once told me it was next to impossible for a vampire to change, but you did. That is truly amazing to me and you can't expect that you will be like them, because you aren't." My voice quieted a little. "You are special Jasper. Why can't you see that?"

Jasper was silent. His eyes never left mine. I stared back, willing myself to not shift my gaze. I noted that his eyes had small flecks of black in them that I had never noticed. They were very fine and only a few were scattered through his eyes, but it somehow gave his eyes a human quality.

Suddenly, his face softened and he exhaled heavily. " _Isabella_ ," he whispered in mock exasperation. He said my name different than anybody else ever had, though. Instead of saying it normally, or in an exaggerated Italian accent, he spoke in softer, smoother accent. I liked it. I couldn't quite tell what it was. I was about to ask him when he continued to speak. "You really need to learn to not defend dangerous creatures." His tone was lighter.

I rolled my eyes. "What can I say? I like to live on the wild side."

"Apparently."

We both froze for a second as we heard a rustling sound from the trees near us. Jasper took a deep breath of the air, before relaxing. "It's just Jacob."

"Jake!" I called out as he came into the small clearing in wolf form.

Jasper seemed a little irritated though. "You heard all of it, didn't you?"

Jake hung his head a little and then gave a quick nod. "How could you tell?" I asked in disbelief.

"He was feeling pity. So, let me guess, you are not too fond of Bella hanging around me now?"

Jacob shook his head and threw himself onto the soft forest floor. I think he was exasperated with not being able to communicate with us. I sat down so I was level him, and Jasper followed my lead. Jacob poked his head forward a little and kind of nuzzled Jaspers side. Jacob's face was scrunched up a little, probably not liking the smell of Jasper, but I think he was trying to show that he didn't care what Jasper said. Jasper seemed to get the message and laughed a little, before reaching out and patting Jacob on the head. I stroked the side of Jacob's face, pausing to scratch behind his ears. He seemed to enjoy that because he turned towards me, leaning his head in my hand. When I was done he gave a big grin, his tongue hanging from his mouth. Then suddenly he extended his neck and licked my face.

"Eww," I exclaimed, in mock indignation. All three of us laughed and slowly we fell into a comfortable silence.


	10. The Sound of Settling

_Our youth is fleeting_   
_Old age is just around the bend_   
_And I can't wait to go gray_   
_And I'll sit in wonder_   
_Of every love that could've been_   
_If I'd only thought of something_   
_Charming to say_

-The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie

**Chapter Ten**

For the first time since I had moved to Forks, time passed and it was no longer something to be dreaded. Time away from the accident proved to help heal my wounds. There was still lingering pains at what I had lost four months ago, but I had found that I could continue to live. It's not exactly like I found that I didn't miss Alice and Edward any less, but life still needed to be lived and there was nothing that could be done about it. I knew that they wouldn't want me wasting away into nothing. Instead, I gathered every piece of reserve strength in my body and tried to rise above everything. I officially graduated from high school, earning my diploma with the help of Esme. I spent as much time humanly possible with the Cullens. I loved Charlie dearly, and I knew when the time came to say goodbye to him, it would be tough. However, I also came to terms with the fact that my future was with the Cullens. They were who I belonged with and nothing could change that.

There had been no sightings of Victoria, but nobody lessened their vigilant watch over me. I always had somebody staying the night with me, which at first was kind of unnerving. It was weird to always be watched by a vampire since they missed nothing. However, it was slowly becoming comforting and I was getting to know each member of the family in a way that I had never gotten the chance to do before. Although I had always been welcome in the family, sometimes I had felt that I had been seen as Edward's human girlfriend. Now I knew that I was a part of the family because they loved me and for no other reason.

Eventually, Rosalie told me her story about how she became a vampire. It was in that moment that I saw who she truly was. It was a difficult story to listen to, but it was a part of her and it made me understand her less than affectionate attitude towards me. Suddenly everything about Rosalie made sense. She told me that she was no longer bitter about me wanting to be changed into a vampire. It honestly was the logical decision to make. She was clear though that she didn't think it was the only option. She reminded me of everything I would be missing and that she would stand along with the rest of the family to protect me from whoever dared to try to take me from them. I told her that I appreciated it more than I could ever say. I had hoped that after that conversation that the wall between us would disappear. Although it didn't vanish, it was slowly crumbling piece by piece. She was no Alice, but it was nice to have a female friend I could talk to. Sometimes our conversations were stilted and awkward, but that was becoming less and less frequent.

Esme was the sweetest person I had ever met and was definitely the most welcome at my bedroom window when I had a stressful day. She would lie on my bed next to me, holding my head and smoothing down my hair. We would sometimes talk about simple mundane occurrences such as the weather. Eventually we would lapse into silence and that was when Esme would start to sing to me. Usually they were Norah Jones songs, but she would mix in traditional songs or even lullabies in there. It usually did not take me long to fall asleep as her voice was the most melodic, soothing sound that I have ever heard.

Carlisle and I would usually spend the time before bed getting into philosophical discussions, him drawing on his past experience to support his beliefs. Usually this would lead to him telling me stories about his history which were always deeply fascinating. He was a natural story teller and I loved learning new details about his life. The more I learned about him and the struggles that he had encountered, the more I respected him. He even told me more about his time spent with the Volturi, but I noticed the bitterness that slipped into his voice when he talked about his Italian friends. Sometimes it was hard to get to sleep with Carlisle there, because I was so captivated by his stories, but eventually he would stop talking and insist I get some rest.

Emmett and I had insane amount of fun when he came over. He had bought me a Nintendo DS, which I moaned and griped about him spending the money on. He wouldn't hear of it though, forcing the box and a stack of games in my arms, saying it was more of a gift for himself because nobody else would play with him. I agreed when he gave me puppy dog eyes. He was excited. I had to admit the gift was pretty cool. When it was his turn for guard duty we would stay up practically all night playing on the DS's. He would lie on the other side of the bed so that he was facing me. We would often play games together such as Mario Kart. Sometimes we would play games separately or we would just sit and have IM conversations on the systems. One night we just drew pictures back and forth to each other and I only stopped because Emmett's pictures had turned pornographic.

Jasper was my most frequent babysitter. After the day he had told me about his past, we found that there was nothing standing between us anymore. We both knew about the darkest period in each other's life and somehow that had created a bond. It wasn't like we were instantly best friends, but we worked towards it. Now, I considered him my closest friend. I didn't hesitate to tell him anything about myself, partly because I trusted him, but also because he could always tell when I was lying. I also found that we had a lot of fun together. The summer was filled with us going out and doing random things. We had gone bowling, something I never cared to repeat. We had gone book shopping in Seattle and whale watching off the coast. On a particularly cloudy day we had gone to Wild Waves, spending all day going back and forth between the water park side and the amusement park side. Sometimes we would just drive around, listening to music.

Music was no longer taboo for me. I had tons of different kinds of music to listen to thanks to recommendations from the Cullens. It was nice to have music that I could associate with different people. I knew eventually I would be able to listen to the music that Edward and I had enjoyed, but it was still too soon.

I was heading to the Cullens house where Jasper and I were going to look at places to live in Olympia. We would be moving in the next few weeks and we needed to solidify our plans. Emmett was sitting in the passenger seat as I drove through town. Rosalie had to go hunt this morning so he had come to relieve her. He had done patrols last night outside of my house.

"Seth is easily the coolest of the wolves, including Jake," Emmett spouted enthusiastically.

"You finally figured out his name?" I chuckled. He and Emmett always had fun when he had to be on Bella protection duty. I knew pretty much from the beginning that it was Seth. Who else would have such an easy going personality around Emmett? Who else would also think it was fun to play with your sworn enemy? Emmett was going to just go through the letters, but he thought it would be more fun to ask about his name in more round about ways.

"I asked him last night if his name was biblical, and of course that narrowed it down considerably. It was only a matter of time."

"You know the bible?" I couldn't keep the shock out of my voice.

"I've read the good book three times cover to cover," he replied as proudly as a small school boy.

For some reason the image of Emmett reading the bible didn't compute, but I knew that over the years they have done a lot of things that I didn't know and just chalked it up to that.

"So, what did you and Seth do last night?"

"We played capture the flag. I ripped my undershirt into two parts. It was so much fun."

"Isn't that game a little hard to play with just two players?" I tried to remember the details of the game from my childhood.

"A little, but since we had to keep up with the patrols, that made it interesting. I enjoyed myself immensely. I told him he should come by the house sometime when he was in human form and we could watch a game or play video games. He barked at that. I'm not sure if it was a yes or no; I guess I will just have to be surprised."

"I bet he will," I told him confidently. I was so glad that Emmett was getting along so well with Seth. Although members of the family would do some things with him, I think Emmett was missing that person that would without hesitation agree to his crazy hijinks. He needed somebody who was the same maturity as he was; sadly that was a 15 year old boy. That didn't say much for Emmett.

After Emmett parked inside the garage, we both hopped out and headed towards the house. Jasper opened the door a second before I reached for the knob myself. I felt something settle in me as I saw Jasper. I was becoming increasingly used to him constantly being around and it was sometimes unnerving to be away from him. It wasn't because he manipulated my emotions; I told him expressly he was not allowed to use his powers on me without my permission. It was something just about his presence. He kept me grounded and it was a relief to be united with him. He smiled at me, probably being able to read how happy I was to see him. The smile reached his eyes, making his face glow. He looked so young and carefree when he smiled.

"I'm glad you are finally here. I think I have found some really nice places to go look at but I need your opinion." Jasper took my hand and pulled me towards the computer. He clicked out of one of his tabs about a recent unsolved murder in Seattle, revealing a house listing on Craigslist.

"I found a bunch of houses in the area, but my personal favorites are the ones near west side Olympia. I found numerous ones."

And with that we lost ourselves in looking at pictures of houses and apartments online. There were so many different ones to pick from. There were small cottage like houses, nestled in gardens. There were also large historic houses with rambling yards that were just calling for you to frolic in it.

"You know we don't have to buy a house? We are just going to be down there for a couple months. It's completely fine with me to rent a place." I knew it was pretty much futile to argue, but I couldn't help but voicing my opinion at seeing how high some of the prices got.

"Why rent when you can buy so easily," Jasper answered dismissively, comparing the dimensions of two similar houses.

"I like that one." I pointed as he clicked the tab to a historic looking house. It was grey blue, with a wrap around porch, and a small turret. However, it still looked small. I tried to ignore the price, willing myself to let Jasper spend the money I knew he wanted to.

Jasper's hand stopped, the pointer poised over another tab. He considered the house for a minute. "It is nice. It says here it would need a couple of repairs though."

"Oh," I couldn't keep the disappointment from my voice. "Then let's just keep looking."

Jasper looked at me out of the corner of his eye, but I tried to ignore that. "A few repairs shouldn't be a trouble for Emmet and I."

"Hell no, they aren't," Emmett called from front room where he was watching a Mariners game.

"I think it should definitely be in our maybe pile." He clicked the print page and added the paper to a growing stack.

Without warning every vampire in my line of sight, which I guess was only Emmett and Jasper, froze. A second or two later I heard the sounds of an approaching car. Almost as suddenly both relaxed and resumed their activities.

"It's Jake," Jasper told me as explanation, without turning away from the computer.

Esme quickly flitted down the stairs, beating me to the door. She was ready to open the instant that Jacob knocked and greet him pleasantly. "Jacob, I'm so glad to see you. I'm assuming you came to see Bella." He had come by a couple times before when he was looking for me and I wasn't at Charlie's.

"Yes, I need to talk to her." Jacob looked around her, excitedly spotting me in the foyer a few steps behind her. "Hey, Bells." He was practically bouncing off the walls he was so excited.

"Well, come on in," Esme ushered him in. "Can I fix you something."

Jacob instantly focused in on Esme's words at the mention of food. "I don't want to be trouble." He knew that wouldn't stop her.

True to form she assured him it was no trouble. Esme exited quickly, and soon there were sounds as she started to cook, no doubt, a five course meal.

Jasper finally turned his attention from the houses and came over to greet Jacob for himself. "Hey, there Jake." Jasper paused suddenly, just like a minute ago. He studied Jacob for a minute as if trying to figure out a puzzle. Then he smiled a little. "Something has shifted in your emotions. They are all out of whack, or I should actually say they are most level I have ever seen yours, or anybodies before."

He couldn't hold it in anymore, Jacob practically yelled, "I imprinted."

The room spun briefly as I digested this new information. "Oh my God. I need to sit down." I stumbled over to the couch and collapsed on it. I heard Emmett grumble something about me interrupting the game with my girl problems.

Jasper glared at him which shut Emmet up. Jasper stood back a little studying me, his arms crossed, and concern written all over his face. I knew he was trying to piece together my emotions, which couldn't be easy considering I didn't even know what they were. I gave him a weak smile though, letting him know I was okay.

Jacob joined me, sitting down next to me. He took both of my hands in mine, urging me to turn towards him. "Are you okay Bells?"

"Fine, it's just a lot of information to take in."

Jacob laughed. "It's one sentence. I imprinted. It's only two words. Come on Bella, you can't tell me you are that slow."

I scowled at him, before resuming my frenzied thinking. Jacob imprinted. Jacob imprinted. Jacob imprinted. He was no longer my Jacob. He belonged to someone else. That made me depressed and I couldn't help a tear slipping down my face.

"Don't be sad Bella. Be happy for me."

"I am happy for you," I assured Jacob. "It's just you are no longer mine."

Jacob's face softened and all of the humor was gone. "I will always be yours. I love you Bella, it's just a little less complicated than before."

I had to agree with that. "Wow, you imprinted." I couldn't believe it. He had followed the rest of the pack on this tradition. "So who is it?"

His face completely changed into something I didn't recognize. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen him. He was completely at peace while thinking of her. I couldn't stop the twinge of jealousy that shot through me. I had never made him that happy. I kept my eyes on Jacob, very aware that Jasper probably felt my jealousy. I just hoped he wouldn't ask me about it.

"Her name is Elyse. She was visiting Paul actually. She used to live on the reservation and she and Paul were best friends, hard for me to imagine honestly. Her family moved to Sequim when her dad got a better job offer working for the city over there. She and Paul have kept in touch and she just came over for the weekend."

"How old is she?" I just needed to keep asking questions while my mind processed what he was saying.

"She's 18. She's taking a year off between high school and college. She is going to work in a bank and save up some money."

"You always did have a thing for the older women," I winked at him.

"Hey now," Jacob indignantly replied. "Don't start that now."

"So, I'm guessing you are going to be visiting her in most of your spare time."

"The spare time that I'm not spending with you. Sequim isn't too far. It's just a little bit further than Port Angeles."

"Good thing you finished that car. Now you have no problems going off gallivanting with your soul mate."

"What's this about soul mates?" Esme asked as she entered the room carrying a plate laden with food. She handed it to Jacob before settling on the floor, looking at both of us, waiting for an explanation.

"Did I ever tell you about the wolves imprinting?" I asked Esme.

She thought briefly before shaking her head.

Jacob motioned for me to explain as he currently was shoveling the food as quickly as his mouth would allow.

"It seems that the pack sometimes will find their soul mate and it's kind of like an epiphany, love at first sight. Jacob told me that it was a rare occurrence, something of legends, but now I am starting to wonder if it's really that rare. It's this all consuming love and all of a sudden the world shifts so that your world revolves around the other person."

"And it just happens, without warning?" Esme questioned.

"Yup, and it happened to Jacob today to a girl visiting another member of the pack."

"Now, it makes sense," Emmett exclaimed. "I was wondering what you were talking about. I was wondering if imprinting was some sort of new euphemism that I had never heard before."

"I didn't think that one existed," Jasper spoke up, dryly.

"Me either," Emmett said honestly. "I kind of like it though, imprinted. Hey Rosalie," he called out loudly to where Rosalie was working on cars in the garage. "Do you want to imprint with me?"

Without skipping a beat Rosalie replied, "Sure."

Esme groaned and Jacob choked on the piece of bread that was in his mouth. I dropped my mouth a little. Jasper was the only one with any sense. He didn't seem phased by this query, keeping a straight face as he rolled his eyes. "Take it to the woods. We don't want to hear it."

Emmett just shrugged his shoulders and he walked out to the garage. "Fine by me. The woods are a great place to do some imprinting, if you know what I mean," he winked at me personally before leaving.

"Wow." Jacob had finally swallowed his food.

"You'll have to excuse him." Esme instantly tried to cover for him.

There was an awkward pause that was interrupted by Carlisle walking through the door. He dropped a briefcase by the door and came into the front room, greeting the family. His face brightened when he saw Jacob sitting on the couch. "Good to see you Jake. How's your father doing?"

"He's well, thank you sir." It was funny to see Jacob around Carlisle. It was not abnormal to see people show signs of respect to Carsisle. There was something about him that people automatically trusted and respected. Jacob was just usually not affected by such feelings, but Carlisle was an exception. Jacob was very friendly with all the vampires, well except for Rosalie on occasion. But, Jacob was down right reverent to Carlisle, not that I was complaining. It pleased me that Jacob got along with the vampires. I honestly had no idea that it was possible for the two groups to get along. When I initially had told Jacob about my relationship to the Cullens, more specifically Edward, all those months ago, he had been so hostile when speaking of the 'leaches.' I was so relieved that it was no longer an issue.

Esme quickly, caught Carlisle up with the reason for Jacob's visit. I recognized the familiar look of curiosity on his face. He started mumbling theories and saying how fascinating it was. He had what seemed a never ending list of question which took the pressure off of me to show my excitement for Jacob. I actually didn't really have to say anything else before Jacob had to leave. He and Elyse had plans for dinner and he was anxious to go get ready. This was a new side of Jacob I had never seen before. I had never seen him really caring about his appearances.

After he left, Carlisle drifted off to his study to do some research on wolf legends and imprinting. Esme returned to the kitchen to clean up her mess from earlier, leaving Jasper and I alone in the front room. Jasper was staring at me, and I was making a point of looking at everything but him.

"Would you like to join me for a walk outside?"

I finally looked him in the eye, and they were so soft and caring that I couldn't refuse him. "Sure." I shrugged, trying to keep an air of non-chalance. I knew it was useless when he could feel every subtle emotion running through me, but I didn't want to give into him too easily.

He took my hand leading me outside. The physical contact instantly soothed me as we walked into the back yard, circling through the garden. I knew it wasn't his power that was affecting me, but rather his actual presence.

We walked in silence for a few minutes before he finally spoke. "So, Jacob imprinted."

I knew he was trying to coax a reaction out of me. I just nodded. "Yeah, it would seem he did."

"I never thought you had romantic feelings for him," he mused.

"I don't." I replied reflexively, not giving the question any serious thought.

"I was experiencing some contradicting emotions in there when he was talking about Elyse."

"Maybe you were reading me wrong," I hedged, not liking his comments.

"Maybe," he conceded, although I could feel the doubt tracing his voice.

There was a break in our conversation, and silence surrounded us again. I could feel no pressure from Jasper to talk about it. I just knew that he was concerned about me and wanted to help me. But, I felt really stupid and I cared about what Jasper thought of me. I didn't want him to think I was pathetic. I imagined me telling Jasper, and I couldn't actually see him laughing or making fun of me. That wasn't like him and I knew it. I was just being scared.

"I didn't want to tell you because I feel silly and a little pathetic about this."

Jasper's response was merely to squeeze my hand in reassurance.

"I love Jacob, but as a friend. However, I can't express how strongly I feel about him. He is my soul mate and I know if werewolves and vampires didn't exist, we would be together. He has always been a comfort to me, through everything from Edward leaving me to his and Alice's death. I knew that he had feelings for me and although I didn't reciprocate those feelings, there was a part of me that was happy that I made him feel that way. I was jealous that somebody else made him feel something stronger. This sounds horrible but it always made me feel safe to know that he would always be there for me. I thought maybe, someday down the road I could love him a little like he did for me and that I wouldn't be alone. To put it bluntly, Jacob was my fallback option."

Jasper sighed heavily and stopped walking so I was facing him. He took my other hand in his so he was holding both. "Bella, that is not silly. But even if he hadn't found Elyse, that wouldn't have been the solution. Jacob's deserves more than what you can give him, and you deserve to have something more than a safety plan."

"I don't know that I have that capability to love again."

"You have so much more of yourself to give," Jasper smiled. "You have such an amazing love that I know it will not be wasted. Until then, I will be there for you. You will not be alone. You're not getting rid of me."

There was a heavy pause as we both stared at each other, lost in the moment. I temporarily forgot to breath, dazzled by Jasper. His face was the most serene I had ever seen it, completely smooth. He had a small smile playing on his lips and his eyes were light from recently hunting, which led to the speckles in his eyes standing out prominently. A few stray curls were falling into his eyes. It wasn't sunny, but it was light out and that brought out the honey streaks in his blond hair. He was beautiful.

* * *

She was beautiful. I had never doubted Bella's beauty, but in that moment with her looking up at me and her eyes determinedly meeting mine I saw how exquisite she was. Her normal brown hair was tumbling all around her in waves and I noticed for the first time the fine hints of red in her hair. Her eyes were rich and never ending in their depth. Her cheeks were colored from my recent compliment and her face was aglow with happiness. I imprinted every single detail I could into my memory, wanting to keep this picture of Bella perfect in my mind.

I was brought out of my reverie by the quickening pace of Bella's heart. For a split second I thought something must be wrong, but then I felt out with my power to read her emotions. I couldn't believe I could miss the strong waves of mixed feelings coming off of her. I was momentarily stunned by the confusing array of emotions. There was peace, love, hope, anticipation, and my God there was lust. My breath hitched at the thought that I brought those feelings out of her.

Without putting much thought into it, I took a small step forward. Following my lead she took a step and we met in the middle. I put my hand on the small of her back, reveling in the centimeter of exposed skin from her shirt riding up. She pushed the curls out of my face, leaving her hand resting on my cheek. Her hand burned through my hard skin, and I thought for sure a hand print would forever be emblazoned there. I leaned down a little and she stood on her tippy toes, both of our eyes closing a fraction of a second before our lips met for the first time.

I reacted on extinct, pulling Bella towards me so she was flush against my skin. I moved my lips against hers, tasting her for the first time. I loved that her lips fit perfectly with mine. Our lips were moving together effortlessly as if we had done this a hundred times. Bella's breath hitched as I moved my lips to trail kisses along her soft, flushed cheek. Her heart was pounding at an unhealthy rate which brought me down to earth for the first time.

The burn in my throat flared up and although I knew I could control the thirst, it still made me pause. A hundred thoughts started to run through my head at once, stopping on the most vivid. Alice on our wedding day. She had been lovely, in a way I had never imagined before. On that day, I had bound myself to her and mere weeks after her death I was dishonoring her by kissing her best friend. I hated myself in that moment, and more unfortunately, I hated Bella for doing that to me.

I pushed her away from me with what I thought was restrained force, but she tripped over her own feet as she stumbled backwards leading to her falling on her ass. She looked up at me from her spot on the ground, her eyes pooling over with tears. My hatred for myself reached a whole new level as I saw the heartbreak make its way across her face. I saw every detail on her face shift as rejection took over her whole body.

"That was a mistake. We got caught up in the moment. What we did was wrong and I don't have feelings for you. I love Alice. I will always love Alice and there is no way you could ever measure up to her." I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I felt every stab that Bella felt as my words pierced her. She let the tears fall and a sob escape her.

"I was never trying to replace Alice. I honestly have no idea what I am feeling. I am so confused. I still love Edward too."

I knew deep down these words were true, but somehow the anger still bubbled in me. Then I felt all of the hurt that Bella was feeling and I became overwhelmed and confused. I shouted the first thing I could think of. "Bella, I just don't want you that way." And I ran before I could do anymore damage.

* * *

I was mortified and heart broken. I didn't know how I felt about Jasper, but I did know he was the most important part of my life. As he turned and walked away, I was reminded of another day I was not good enough. I had learned from my mistakes though. I did not run after him. I accepted that he didn't want me. It was what I expected. It was what I deserved. I curled myself up into the all too familiar position and stared ahead.

A soft growl resonated through me as I was scooped up into someone's arms. I saw a blur whip by me in the direction that Jasper headed off. I didn't have the energy to look up to see who had rescued me. Instead I inhaled deeply letting the soothing smell of vanilla and cinnamon envelop me.

I was brought inside but not to my room like I expected. Instead I was placed on an enormous bed covered in a burgundy spread. It was while I was being gently placed down on the bed I caught sight of the distinctive golden hair of Rosalie. Somebody else spoke answering where I was.

"Why did you put her in yours and Emmett's room?" Esme softly asked.

"Because HE has stuff in her room and she doesn't need another reminder of that slimy douchebag of a jack…"

"Rosalie, that's enough," Carlisle interrupted.

"Like you weren't thinking of a hundred different ways to cut off his di…"

"Rosalie." It was Esme this time.

"Be that as it may it is not helping. Where is Emmett?"

"He went after the son of a bitch."

Carlisle groaned but continued on. "Did anybody hear what happened?"

"How could you not hear? He told her she wasn't good enough."

"Of course we heard the latter half. But I didn't hear what set him off. Did you guys?"

Rosalie instantly deflated. "No, Emmett and I were otherwise occupied.

Silence filled the room except for the intermittent gasps of breath that was coming from me. I didn't even realize I was having trouble breathing until everybody stopped talking and it became blatantly clear. After two breaths everybody started moving. Esme went downstairs. Rosalie started to rummage through drawers in her dresser. Carlisle left and returned quickly with his medical bag. Rosalie pulled me out of bed and shuffled me towards the bathroom. I didn't even have time to blush before I was in a pair of yoga pants that dragged on the floor and a tank top. I wanted to ask her why, but I was brought back into the bedroom before I could say anything. Carlisle put his arm around my shoulder and led me to the bed where he encouraged me to lie down. Carlsile took my vitals and then focused back on me.


	11. Face Up

_The times you don't want to wake up_  
 _'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up_  
 _The sun is always going to rise up_  
 _You need to get up, gotta keep your head up_  
 _Look at the people all around you_  
 _The way you feel is something everybody goes through_  
 _Dark out, but you still gotta light up_  
 _You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up_

-Face Up by Lights

**Chapter Eleven**

"Bella you need to calm down. You are going to hyperventilate." I couldn't tell if she could even hear me. Her eyes were unfocused, staring at the ceiling. Tears were streaming down her face. Seeing Bella like this again was unsettling. She continued to breathe heavily and her heart was racing. Esme quickly came back into the room with a glass of water and apple slices. My wife had the same concern that I did, that Bella was going to go into shock.

"Bella you need to have a sip of water. Can you do that?" I took the glass and brought it to her lips. I hoped that her reflexes would kick in and she would take a sip, but she was unresponsive to us. I frowned knowing what step I had to take next.

"Esme, can you grab my bag and pull out the tranquilizer." She sobbed but followed my request. I took the needle in hand and disinfected the injection site with a swab that Rosalie handed me. I hoped the sight of the needle would wake her up, but it had no affect on her. I leaned forward kissing her on the head before pricking her skin with the needle and injecting the medicine. It took affect quickly; her breathing calmed and her heart slowed. My family and I stood breathless, watching Bella slip into unconsciousness.

"I hope Emmett rips off Jasper's arm at the very least."

Esme sighed. "Me too."

I turned to her in shock. "Esme!"

"He should have known better. As if she hasn't been through enough."

I didn't feel like arguing with my family, but I couldn't hide the fact that I was extremely concerned. "Keep watch over her," I instructed quietly before leaving. I drudged down the hallway, feeling the weight of my years on my shoulders. I walked into my office and collapsed in my chair, slumping forward.

It had seemed like my family had been on the mend and that we were going to make it through this tragedy. But here we were, divided once more. I was watching my remaining family disintegrate and self-destruct. In a few short minutes my family had shifted from being united to divided. Even my loving, caring wife was ready to blame Jasper. I did not fault Rosalie and Esme for their responses. I had the first guttural reaction to what happened as well. However, they lost sight of all the pain and torture that Jasper had endured. Bella had a more stoic and silent way to deal with the pain that she had endured. We couldn't expect everybody to respond in the same way Bella had. I knew him better than that. Jasper just broke.

Jasper was different than my other 'children'. I had a father/child relationship with all of them, but Jasper. Jasper's age and maturity made it impossible to treat him like a son. I loved him dearly, but he was more of a companion or brother than a son. He and I had long discussions about philosophy and his past. What kind of soul does a vampire have? Are newborns doomed to be so out of control? Did Jasper have a choice to live another life when he was with Maria? I knew he did not open up to just anybody and I treasured each and every time he would come to me hesitantly to ask a question, but then would settle himself in a chair and we would not leave my office for hours. I knew he did not tell anybody else about his past in as much detail as he told me, not even Alice. I suspected he hadn't wanted to upset her. She knew where he had come from and most of his past. However, anytime it was discussed she would become upset. She hated what he had endured and suffered. She wished she could take the pain away. Jasper didn't want her to feel bad so he just opted to gloss over his past a little and tell her how well he was doing.

I jolted. Why the hell was I in here when I should be after Jasper? I shuttered to think if Emmett got a hold of Jasper for too long. I lept out the window and ran as fast as my legs would take me in the direction of Emmett's scent. Underneath Emmett's stronger smell there was a faint waft of Jasper. I pushed myself to go even faster when I heard a faint, unearthly wailing sound. I dodged the branches of the thick trees, not letting anything get in my way.

I finally came to the source of the sound. Jasper was on the ground, splayed out amongst broken pieces of tree. He was pulling at his hair and scratching at his face. Emmett was standing nearby, unsure of what to do.

"Emmett? What happened?"

Emmett's face was full of shock. "I don't know exactly. I found him standing here waiting for me. I think he wasn't even going to try to run from me. I didn't even think…" Emmett looked very sheepish. He paused before continuing. "I just started to attack him and then I threw him against the tree. He never fought back. Have you ever seen Jasper ignore an attack?"

I wanted to be mad at Emmett. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking but all I could focus on was the broken man lying on the forest floor. I knew anger was not going to fix anything. I had to set the example for my family to bring them back together. I stepped past Emmett, patting him on the shoulder affectionately. I then moved forward. I got within a few feet of Jasper when he growled under his breath. Emmett responded without thinking by growling as well. I put up a hand to signal Emmett to stop.

"Jasper," I whispered as softly as possible, trying not to alarm Jasper.

He looked up and I balked. His face was chalky, not its usual smooth self. It was contorted in pain. His eyes burned my own with their intensity. "Stay back. I don't deserve any of your sympathy."

"I wasn't going to…" I tried to assure him but he interrupted me.

"I can feel it though. I can feel your emotions and I can't handle it. I don't deserve it."

I continued forward, ignoring Jasper's words and growls. I had to trust that Jasper would not hurt me. As I got closer and he didn't do anything, I got down onto the forest floor with him, scooting closer to him. Jasper continued to growl but I ignored him and leaned in, enclosing my arms around Jasper's upper body trying to restrain him from hurting himself. Jasper continued to cry out and moan. My heart broke for him and all the pain that he was emanating. I tried to keep my own emotions in check, not wanting to overwhelm him, but it was difficult. I really had no idea how to calm him. I wished Esme was there to help. But she wasn't so I had to do the best I could.

"Shh…Jasper. It will be okay. I love you," I murmured. I continued to spout as many comforting things as possible. I didn't know if they were even registering with him but it was the only thing I could do. I wondered what exactly had happened with Bella and Jasper. I had to admit that I had hoped that something would someday happen between them. I wanted them to find someone someday to make them happy and I thought that it could be each other as I witnessed them grow closer. Bella brought out a different side in Jasper that I had never seen. Jasper was more involved with the family. His control was stronger. He seemed more at peace, well other than today. I know he talked about his past with Bella which was a big step for him. As for Jasper's influence on Bella, I think it was positive. Bella was treated like an equal by Jasper and they had a fun relationship. I knew that Bella and Edward were in love, but sometimes I felt they had needed to act young. They were so serious all the time. It was nice to see Bella having fun, playing games, and being youthful.

Now I wondered if that had all been damaged beyond repair. I didn't know exactly what had happened, but my guess was they moved forward which freaked Jasper out. I could understand that. But I had to know in order to say for sure. Jasper was finally quieting down and I knew I had to ask him. I let go of my hold on him and leaned back so I was looking him in the face.

"Jasper what happened?"

"I don't know exactly. We were just having a conversation about her moving on someday and there was a moment between us. I felt out to her emotions and there was attraction for me. I don't know what got into me because the next thing I knew we were kissing. As the kiss continued I started to feel the burn in my throat and that brought me back down to earth. I remembered Alice all of a sudden on our wedding day and how I promised to be faithful to her. I couldn't stand the thought that so shortly after her death I was betraying her, with her best friend no less. I pushed her away and I said the first thing that came to mind."

"Oh Jasper." I didn't really know what to say. There was no easy solution to this situation. How many of us had gone through losing a spouse? Who was to say that it was too soon for Jasper, or Bella for that matter, to move on. "I have no easy answer for you Jasper. I can't say what is right or wrong, but this family would not think any less of any of you two if you did want to be together. Only you two can tell when you are ready to be with someone. Do you want to be with her?"

He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I don't know. There is something special about her. I admit that, but I just don't know what my feelings are for her. I don't think she knows either."

"That sounds like a conversation you need to have then."

"But, I will be betraying Alice."

"Don't you remember what Alice told Bella to tell you? She said you needed to move on. She would have been happy to see you and Bella take care of each other if that is what makes you guys happy."

"I just can't. I am just going to hurt her. My control is still not perfect. And I won't always be able to protect her. I promised Alice that I would keep her safe and I failed her. I failed her so miserably," Jasper sobbed.

"Alice wouldn't let you protect her. And Bella isn't asking for you to keep her safe. You need to make peace with the past and try to live in the present. All I want for this family is to be at peace, all of us. We will never be 'over' the loss of Edward and Alice, but we have to come to terms with it and try to move on."

"What if Bella and I start something only to break up down the road? That would be so awkward for the family."

I sighed. I was exasperated with Jasper and I hoped he could feel it. "You can come up with a million reasons to not move on, but only you can decide if it is worth the risk. But to humor you, I will always be there to support both of you in whatever way I can, even if you break up."

"I will too," Emmett spoke up suddenly.

"You will?" Jasper couldn't keep the disbelief out of his voice. Who could blame him after Emmett's recent display?

Emmett shuffled his feet, looking down briefly. "I will man. I'm so sorry for just going after you like that. You didn't deserve that. You have to understand though; it was just hard to see Bella in pain again, especially after we've all seen how far she has come from Edward's death."

"You were right to come after me for that. I shouldn't have hurt her like that."

"But, I should have thought things through and maybe thought about how you might be hurting as well."

I had to interrupt because this could go on for a long time. "Let's forget the blame and guilt. Instead let's go back to the house and actually make things better."

Jasper turned back to me and I felt a jolt of fear hit me. "Do you think she will even let me apologize?"

"You know Bella's limitless compassion. She will not only listen to you, I am one hundred percent sure she will forgive you." And I believed those words that I spoke. I was confident that Bella would not be able to refuse Jasper, especially after seeing the state that he currently was in. I stood up, motioning for Jasper to follow. "Let's go home."

And we did. We took off at a brisk run, heading back towards the house. Jasper eventually picked up his pace, probably anxious to see Bella. I pushed myself to keep up with him, but my mind was elsewhere. I was wondering what the future held for my family. Would Jasper and Bella be together? I actually took the time to visualize what shape their relationship would take. I had only seen them as friends. I couldn't lie to myself; it would be convenient if the two found companionship in each other. I would not have to worry about them being alone, while the rest of us were paired up. I tried to think about it critically, calculating whether they were compatible. I was so used to seeing the two with their respective mate; it was hard to imagine them in a different romantic relationship. But, Jasper's emotional depth would compliment Bella's limitless patience and kindness. I couldn't say for sure, but I felt that the two would be happy together.


	12. Armistice

_It's an honest work if I can stand up on it,_  
 _Maybe we're not as far apart as it appears._  
 _Swallowing the blame is second nature,_  
 _I've got to keep on handling my business my way_.

-Armistice by MuteMath

**Chapter Twelve**

I picked up my speed as I recognized the trees that bordered our house. I knew I was near Bella and I had to close that final bit of distance. I darted through the back door and up the stairs not thinking of anything but the steady heartbeat that was coming from the upstairs room. Before I could get through her bedroom door I was stopped by a firm hand. For the first time I took notice of my surroundings. I was overwhelmed by the amount of anger and grief that was floating in the air. Rosalie stood in front of me, fury written so clearly all over her face.

"Rose," Emmett's voice cautioned from behind me.

"No, I don't want to hear it. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't throw him through a window at this very moment."

In a split second Emmett came around me and firmly wrapped Rosalie in his arm, putting her in a tight bear hug. Carlisle moved to stand next to me, showing his solidarity. "Rosalie, Jasper needs to talk to Bella."

"He doesn't deserve to be within spitting distance of Bella. What? You haven't hurt her enough Jasper? You have to completely destroy her last shred of peace."

Her words stung and I didn't try to hide it. I deserved this and I knew I had to accept that. "I need to apologize and talk to her."

"Why should I let you?" She continued, venom filling her voice.

I took a deep breath. Why should she? It was a reasonable question and I knew I had to convince her that I was serious about seeing her. I told her the only thing that would sway Rosalie, the truth. "Because I love her."

Rosalie stopped struggling against Emmett's hold on her and searched my eyes. "You love her?"

"Yes. I don't know exactly whether it's romantic or if I am ready for relationship. I do know that Bella is the most important person in my life and I need her. I have to explain this to her."

"Rosalie, he is telling the truth. You know this. Jasper deserves to be heard and Bella has the right to hear what he has to say. Bella needs this as much as Jasper," Carlisle spoke softly, reaching out to release Rosalie from Emmett's grasp.

Rosalie stepped forward once she was free and continued to look at me. She was trying to read my face. I must have passed her inspection because she stepped aside. "Bella is still sleeping from the sedative. Esme is with her right now."

"Why don't you all go downstairs and Jasper and I can wait for her to wake up," Carlisle suggested.

Esme exited the room, obviously hearing everything that was said. I kept my eyes averted, too ashamed to meet her eyes. I should have known better though. She came over to me anyways, putting her fingers under my chin, forcing me to look into her eyes. They were soft and warm. "I love you Jasper. I'm sorry for earlier."

"What did you do?" I had no idea what she was talking about.

She just smiled to herself. "I doubted you and I know I should have never done that."

"Thanks," I mumbled, feeling vulnerable.

She stretched up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before heading downstairs with the rest of the family. I looked ahead into the Bella's room. It was dim as the sun was setting outside. Small streaks of light shown across the room, one ray fell precisely across her sleeping face. She had an angelic glow. I sighed, stepping forward into the room.

"The sedative I gave her was very mild so she should wake up soon. I suggest you stay out here until I talk to her. I don't want her to start hyperventilating again if she sees you."

"That sounds reasonable," I said, although my heart didn't agree. I wanted to go into the room and get as close as possible to Bella. I wanted me to be the first person she saw when she opened her eyes. But, I had made this mess and I would do everything possible to make it better, and if that meant staying away from Bella for a little bit longer then so be it.

Carlisle walked into the room, shutting the door behind him so Bella had no chance of seeing me. I could still hear the soft breathing of Bella as she slept through the door, which was comforting. I took a seat on the floor, leaning my head back against the wall so I could hear more closely every sound in the room. Carlisle took her vitals, whispering that she was fine to me. I thanked him for the piece of information and settled in for my wait.

I tried using the time to work my way through my muddled thoughts and emotions. There were so many pieces of this puzzle that it was hard to imagine that they could fit together to create one big picture. It was obvious Bella and I were grieving over what we had lost. There was no doubt about that. We also were very close and we were both a comfort to the other. But we had been blurring the line between family/friend and something more. It seemed like we were doing something wrong by having romantic feelings for someone so soon after our significant other had died. When was an appropriate time to move on? Was there a specified time that you were supposed to grieve? Was I betraying Alice by thinking about that amazing kiss that Bella and I had shared?

I remembered the message that Alice had given Bella for me, to continue living my life. It had seemed so ridiculous at the time that she should tell me that. I had thought that there was no possible way that I could continue any semblance of a life without Alice. But, now that I was facing that option, I wonder if this is what Alice had in mind. Did she see this happening, once she had known she was going to die? Deep down I knew Alice would be happy for me and Bella. There is no way she would hold it against us finding comfort in each other. She would want us to be together, Carlisle was right.

But, did I want to be with Bella romantically? It seemed like I was choosing whether or not I wanted to be with her the rest of my life or not. I just didn't know if Bella and I would be happy together. She was patient with me and thoughtful. She was so intelligent and I loved talking with her. However, she could be very infuriating when she was self-depricating or being obstinate about something. And we came from such different backgrounds. I just didn't know. My only other relationship was Alice and she made that decision for me. I just kind of fell in love with her at first sight. This was different. I guess I had to accept the fact that I didn't know and would have to figure this out with Bella. Maybe this was all a moot point because Bella knew she didn't want to be with another vampire. Maybe she wanted to have a normal human life. I didn't even think about that.

There was a rustle as Bella, I assumed, shifted in her bed. She moaned quietly while her breathing started to pick up.

"Bella, hey there," Carlisle's soothing voice calmed Bella.

"Where is Jasper?" Bella blurted out. I couldn't help but be pleased that I was the first thing on her mind.

"He is nearby. I need to talk to you first quickly. First how do you feel? I'm sorry that I had to give you a mild sedative to keep you calm."

There was a pause before she answered. "I have a slight headache, but otherwise I feel fine."

"Did you want to talk to Jasper?"

"Yes," she responded without hesitation. "But, I wanted to talk to you about something important."

"Go on then."

"Well, I wanted to tell you that I have made my decision about being a vampire."

"And it is?"

"I want to become one of you."

"I thought after a day like this you would have gone the other way," Carlisle said. He was awash with confusion.

"I just realized how much I need to permanently belong with a family. I need all of you, apart from what happens with Jasper. The fact of the matter is that my friends will move away and eventually my parents will die. I need you to be my family."

"We will be your family even if you do not become a vampire. If you stayed mortal, we would not leave your side."

"I know that. But, I would still only have one human lifetime with all of you. That is not enough. I am selfish and want more. I want to become a vampire so that I can spend lifetimes with this family."

Carlisle was filled with happiness that swelled outward, giving me a boost of confidence. "Then it would be my honor to change you myself Bella. When do you want it to happen?"

"I haven't thought that much about it, honestly. I do want to go to college and have a few last months with Charlie. Probably sometime after Christmas."

"That sounds reasonable to me. If anything changes you just tell me. There is no shame if you want to back out or put it off later."

"Thank you Carlisle," Bella said sincerely. She truly was pleased with how the conversation had gone. However, there was still a dark cloud hanging over her mood and I had a hunch that it had to do with me. Carlisle must have recognized something in her demeanor as well because he spoke quickly, "I'll get out of your hair and let Jasper come talk to you. He is probably waiting anxiously out in the hallway."

I took that as my cue to enter the room. My eyes fell on Bella who was sitting up in the bed, her legs drawn to her chest. She was taking up an unreasonably small space, hunched into such a small shape. I wanted to untwist her body out of this defensive pose. I wanted her to look relaxed, natural. But in order to do that I had to fix her first.

Carlisle exited, kissing Bella on the cheek and then patting me on the back as he left. Without Carlisle in the room as a buffer there was just thick awkwardness filling the room. Part of me wanted to start on my long rambling apology from earlier. Another part wanted to confess my complicated feelings to her. Yet a third part of me wanted to scoop Bella into my arms and kiss her endlessly. I couldn't pick which approach was most appropriate so I settled for a simple "hello."

"Hey," Bella replied meekly.

Well, that plan went well. I was back at where I started. I needed to draw on every last reserve of courage in order to start. I forced myself to look into Bella's eyes and in their depths I found what I was looking for, the strength to say everything.

"I am so sorry for what I said to you. It was unthinkable of me to say those things to you. I knew I was playing on a part of you that will always be wounded from when Edward left you. That was unforgivable of me."

Before I could say anything else, she quickly said, "I forgive you."

I lost my momentum at hearing those words. I let out the breath I had held in my lungs and just stared at the woman in front of me. I probably should have been less surprised, but I wasn't. I was completely floored by her amazing ability of forgiveness.

"But, why? I don't deserve it."

"Maybe not," Bella conceded slowly. "But, we are in an unimaginable situation which lends itself to unthinkable actions. I can honestly say if you are feeling even the slightest bit of confusion that I am, then your actions are more understandable."

I collapsed onto the bed, folding my legs so that I was sitting across from her. I was so relieved that we might be on similar pages after all. "Bella, I have no idea what I feel. I have to be completely honest with you, that kiss we shared was amazing. It scared me that I could feel that so soon after Alice's death."

"I feel the same way," Bella responded shyly, picking at a thread on the bedspread. "I enjoyed that kiss, more than I should have. I care about you deeply Jasper. Some days I feel like you are the only thing keeping me grounded. That scares me. I can't lose somebody again."

"I can't either. You are the most important thing in my life right now."

"But we shouldn't feel these things so close to their deaths."

She was struggling with the same problem I had. "What did Alice tell you to tell me?"

Bella sighed, probably already knowing where this was going. "She wanted you to move on with your life. I remember once I agreed she got a faraway look like she had seen that it would be alright."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she saw this happening, us being closer. Neither Alice nor Edward would want us to stay a part because of them. They would want us to be happy. If the situation was reversed, would you begrudge Edward finding someone else to be happy with after you were gone?"

"Of course not. I would want him to continue on existing and being happy."

I nodded my head in agreement. "They would want no different for us."

"Then where does that leave us?"

That was a good question with so many different answers. The answer depended on the path that we decided to take. The simplest answer would probably be best. "Free. We can do what we want without constantly consulting whether or not if it is the appropriate time to do so. We are always going to be sad about what happened. We will always miss them, but that cannot be an excuse for us to not live. We need to do what makes us happy."

Bella looked up at me for the first time since we started this conversation. Her eyes were warm and soft as she looked at me. There was a hint of anxiety that ran through her emotions. "What will make you happy?"

I gave her a genuine grin. "You becoming a vampire and joining this family officially."

"So you heard that?" Bella smiled back easily. "Eavesdrop much?"

I chuckled. "It's hard not to with my kind of hearing. I was extremely happy to hear you have decided to officially become a part of this family. Although, I have to second Carlisle's sentiment that I wouldn't go anywhere if you decided to stay human."

"Where would be the fun in that? I really do want to be a vampire. I just want to have a few human experiences before I am turned."

"Like what?" I was anxious to hear is there was something special I could do for Bella.

"I still would like to go to college, even if it is just for a quarter."

"You still want to go with me this fall then?"

"Of course I do," Bella laughed. It was so carefree and light. It was intoxicating. I felt a hundred times better just hearing that laugh. I knew then that everything would be okay with us.

"What other experiences do you want?"

Bella blushed a little, shifting her eyes downward briefly before looking back up at me. "I want to go on a date."

I couldn't keep the confused look off my face. "Huh?" I responded eloquently.

"I have never really gone on a date before and I kind of would like the experience."

"But Edward?"

"We didn't really date. It was kind of like we were acquaintances and then we were in a relationship. There was no in between."

"So you are saying…" my voice trailed off.

"I'm trying to subtly hint to you that I would like to go on a date with you."

"A date?" I had no idea where my century and a half worth of speaking skills went.

Bella groaned. "Yes. A traditional outing between a girl and a guy, usually as a part of a courtship."

"You want to date me?" I still couldn't really wrap my head around this concept.

Bella turned a little more serious now. "I don't know. I have feelings for you and I don't know whether it is romantic or not. I am so confused right now. I figure the best thing to do is try and take things slow and easy."

I stopped to think about what she was saying, digesting the words. It seemed like such an obvious solution now that she had mentioned it. Why did we have to make a decision right then whether or not we wanted to be in a relationship? Instead we coul take things slow, in a more relaxed setting. However, this was still a foreign territory to me. I had never dated.

"Of course if you know for sure you don't want to be with me then you can forget this entire conversation," Bella spoke quickly, trying to back peddle.

"No, it's just that I have never dated somebody before. Alice and I were just in a relationship, there was no dating before hand. And the couple women I had been with before Alice…well they were not even close to relationships."

"There were women before Alice? What kind of women?" Bella gulped.

Oh no, now I really did it. "They were just some newborns that I had trained. I was a man and well they were women and let's just say things happened."

Bella nodded but didn't say anything. I didn't need her to speak to know that she felt an insane amount of inferiority, probably for being compared to vampire women. "Bella, they meant nothing to me. Alice was the first woman that I loved and there has no other woman of importance in my life."

"It's just that with Edward, at least he was as inexperienced as I was. You however have been with scores of women in probably more ways than I can imagine. I just don't know how I could ever compare."

"Simple." I reached forward and turned her around, pulling her back into my arms. She instantly relaxed into my embrace, melting against my body. "There is no comparison. You are your own being and I can't compare you even if I wanted to. You are unique in every way and I don't want you thinking any differently." My voice hardened towards the end, trying to really ingrain this concept into Bella's head.

"Okay," Bella's voice was still uncertain and I knew I had not heard the last of this conversation. But I let it go for now.

"So, if I were to take you on this date, what would that entail?"

"I don't know. Show me what you would do with a normal girl if you were interested in her. I want to have fun and also get to know you better."

That seemed simple enough. My brain was already running through numerous possibilities. Maybe I would ask for some advice from the family. Esme and Carlisle probably would have some good ideas, even Rosalie might have some good input if she had forgiven me yet. I was just going to ignore any advice Emmett gave me.

"Then _Isabella_ , may I have the honor of your company on a date."

Bella giggled. "It would be my pleasure." She punctuated the sentence with a yawn.

"That sedative is probably still in your system. Why don't you lie down."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course."

Bella crawled out of my lap and back under the covers. I swung my legs over the edge of bed to get off it when I felt my hand being tugged. I turned to see Bella staring up at me. "Lie with me?"

I knew that this was a huge step for her. The space next to her had always been reserved for Edward, but there she was letting me take his spot. I didn't hesitate before laying down next her so that we were facing each other. I smoothed her hair back from her face, letting my fingers linger on her warm cheek. She smiled softly and slowly lowered her eyelids. She was feeling utter contentment and I couldn't help feeling a little bit proud that I had some part of that. She wasn't quite asleep yet though.

"When you say my full name, you say it with an accent, but it's not Italian."

"It's Spanish, like Queen _Isabella_ of Castile."

Bella was mildly curious, but sleep was pulling her under. "Do you speak Spanish?"

"Fluently _Isabella_ ," I accented her name again. It caused a shiver to course through her body and smiled to myself, knowing I now had my term of endearment for my Bella.

That night was special for me. It was the first time that throughout the night my name was mentioned more times in her dream than anybody else…combined.

* * *

I stretched my legs and sighed. I was extremely comfortable as I tightened my hold on the pillow in my arms. The softness of the pillow reminded me that it wasn't what I wanted. I opened my eyes and saw that there was a note lying on the bed next to me. I jolted up and grabbed the scrap of paper quickly, scared that Jasper had left me again.

My Isabella,

I will return later today for our date. Carlisle already called your father last night to tell him you were sleeping over. Esme and Rosalie should be downstairs. I look forward to seeing you later today.

Love,

Jasper

I fell back into bed, relieved that Jasper would be back. After yesterday I knew now how much he meant to me. I knew that my future was with Jasper either as a friend or as something more didn't really matter. Jasper had taken the broken parts of me and put them back together. I was no longer a helpless mess. I survived the worst imaginable situation and I knew I was stronger than I thought. Jasper showed me how strong I was and I was so thankful for that. I'd like to think I helped him a little through all of this, but I couldn't imagine how I could be of any assistance to a vampire.

"Bella?" Rosalie knocked on my door.

"Come in," I called out from my bed.

Rosalie stepped into the room, a vision in a flowing cotton summer dress. Her hair hung freely down her back, swishing as she walked. I reminded myself that in a few short months I would maybe not be as beautiful as her, but I would finally be playing in the same ballpark.

"What time is it?" I wondered as I pushed myself back out of bed.

"It's 8:30 in the morning."

I jumped the rest of the way out of bed. "I slept…" I paused trying to do the math.

"Sixteen hours. It's really not a big deal considering you had sedatives in your system. And we called your dad so he knows you are fine." Rosalie's voice was airy and unconcerned.

There was a silence before I realized that she never gave a reason as to why she was in my room. "So, can I help you with something?"

"Esme wanted me to come tell you that breakfast is ready."

My stomach growled embarrassingly loudly, even to human ears. Since I skipped dinner yesterday, I guess it had a reason to be peeved with me. "Thanks, I am just going to take a quick shower and I will be down in a minute."

Rosalie nodded in response and then quickly turned out of my room and down the hallway. I wondered if I had pissed her off somehow. Rosalie and I were not best friends but I had felt that we had a struck a healthy balance in the last couple of months. Maybe I was wrong or maybe I was just making a mountain out of a mole hill. I shrugged it off as I went through my dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans and tank top. The weather was finally starting to warm up now that it was June. I was looking forward to it.

I hopped into the shower and enjoyed the water that helped relax some of my sore muscles from staying in bed so long. By the time my hair had been blow dried, I felt good as new in my fresh clothes. I took the stairs at probably an unwise pace but the smell of French toast and bacon from the kitchen was calling to me. I skidded into the kitchen on my socks and took a deep breath. It smelled so good. My stomach gave an angry lurch, demanding me to feed it. I glanced at the kitchen table and saw that Esme had already set a place for me with a large stack of French toast on it and handful of bacon pieces. There was also a large glass of orange juice along with milk.

"Thank you so much Esme, I am starved," I told her appreciatively as I took my place at my seat.

"You're welcome. I thought you might be hungry. Carlisle already headed to work but he told me to tell you that you are to drink plenty of fluids."

I felt a warmth spread through me at the thought of Carlisle and Esme caring for me. I never really complained but I felt I was always the parent with my mom and I had to take care of her. With my dad it was more like we were equals, each of us doing our own bit in the relationship. I enjoyed the idea that Carlisle and Esme from time to time would do this for me, take care of me. They would be my parents forever. That was a nice thought.

The first bite melted in my mouth and I knew I had died and gone to heaven. One thing I would miss about being human was food. It would probably get boring having nothing but blood for the rest of my existence, but it was a price I was willing to pay to stay with this family.

Esme sat down, but instead of watching me she doodled in her sketch book. There were vague drawings of cottages and furniture. I wondered what was on her mind.

I continued to eat, but I noticed that Rosalie had yet to make an appearance. "Where is Rosalie?"

Esme hesitated a second. "I think she is in her room."

"Is she upset at me?" I was concerned at the look on Esme face. I remembered that I had chosen immortality last night and maybe that had angered Rosalie. "Is she mad that I am going to become a vampire? She won't have to see me that often if she doesn't want to." I rambled on.

Rosalie quickly appeared into room, sighing dramatically as she sat down at the table. "It's not because you are going to become a vampire. I accepted that fate ages ago. No, I'm annoyed about something else." Her voice was serious and I tried to come up with something I could have done to make her mad.

"I just think you forgave Jasper way too easily. Emmett once stained my third favorite blouse in one of his crazy plans and I wouldn't sleep with him for two months."

I laughed a little, now knowing my crime. "I'm sorry Rosalie but I just can't hold a grudge. I love Jasper and I don't want to see him hurt."

"So, you love him too?" Rosalie quirked her eyebrow.

I thought about what I said and nodded. "I really do. I don't know if I have romantic feelings for him, but I do know I care deeply about him and I can't bear to see him in pain. He is truly sorry for what happened and I can't fully blame him. We are in an impossible situation."

"I guess," Rosalie conceded. "Still I would have liked to see you freeze him out a little longer. Anyways, do you know what you are going to wear on your date tonight?"

I shouldn't have been surprised that they already knew all about it. "I don't know. I figured you guys could pick me out some perfect outfit."

Esme opened her mouth smiling, but Rosalie cut in first. "As much as your wardrobe could use improving, I know what Jasper has in mind for your date and how he looks at things, I think he would appreciate something that is your own. He likes you for who you are, not somebody all wrapped up differently. Trust me if the guy doesn't like you for who you are, then he is not worth it."

"Ugh, Alice wouldn't have said no," I replied indignantly. I regretted saying that, hoping Rosalie wouldn't take offense.

She laughed, though. "You must have something that is date appropriate."

"Nothing he hasn't already seen before. I at least want to wear something new. Can we at least go out shopping and you help me pick something out? I swear you can veto anything that you think I would not normally wear."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"Will you come as well Esme?"

Esme beamed in response and for the first time in my whole life I didn't one hundred percent dread a shopping trip.

* * *

I slowed my pace as I came upon the treaty line. I had to admit I was a little nervous. While we had suspended the treaty lines until Victoria was caught, the wolves were the only one taking advantage of that. None of the vampires had stepped a toe across the line. But I wanted to visit Jacob and sure I could have called, but I was curious. I wanted to see the reservation. I wanted to know where Jacob lived. I counted him a good friend at this point and I thought it only fair since he knew all of our secrets and had been to our house on numerous occasions, that I should get to see where he lived.

I took a deep breath and took a cautious step forward. I glanced around me and when I was not immediately struck down by God or attacked by a wolf I continued at a quicker pace. I could hear and smell the wolves nearby, but they kept their distance. They were probably just curious to what I was up to. I didn't meander, I took a straight path to the town. Once I reached the main road, I realized I had no idea which one was Jacob's house. I glanced around me, trying to see if I could spot Jacob's car or some other sign of which house he lived at.

"Hey Jasper," a young voice called out.

I turned to see Seth running towards me in just his shorts. "Hey kid. What's up?"

"The pack sent me to check up on you. They want to know why you are here. Has there been an attack?" Seth spoke very quickly, especially for a human.

"Nothing like that. I just came by to see Jacob. Actually, could you point out his house to me? I just realized I have no idea what his address is."

Seth laughed easily. "Just go down this road about two more blocks and his house is 612. It'll be on your right."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. Go ahead and go report back to the pack that I mean no harm."

Seth looked a little sheepish. "They were just curious because none of you have been on the land before. I trust you."

"I know you do, it's fine. I'll see you later." I waved goodbye and headed down the road in the direction he pointed me in. The weird thing is, I knew that Seth did trust us. He wasn't lying. His nature should make it so he would have an aversion to us. Even Jacob had to fight the natural feeling of disgust in him. Seth didn't have that trouble. He just was that happy of a kid that the wolf nature didn't have an effect on him. He truly was one of a kind.

I came up to a modest brown house. I noticed Jake's Rabbit parked to the side of the house. The place looked small and quaint. Not what you would expect of the house of a werewolf, but for some reason it fit. I walked up to the house and knocked quickly, knowing I was past the point of no return.

The door opened relatively quickly and before me was a man in the wheel chair. "Billy Black I presume?"

The man nodded stiffly. "Yes. What do you want?"

Okay, so Jake and Billy did not share the same attitude towards vampires. "I was wondering if Jacob was home. I'm Jasper Hale and I was…"

"I know who you are and I don't really care why you are here."

"Dad, give it a break. Come on in Jasper." Jacob gave his dad a smack on the back and whispered in his ear, "Be nice."

Billy rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Can I offer you a refreshment, Mr. Hale?" He held out his wrist to me.

Jacob groaned, but I kept my face completely frozen. "Actually, if you don't mind I prefer to drink from the neck."

Billy's lip twitched. He grunted something unintelligible and wheeled himself off into the kitchen. I felt out for his emotions, and the hatred had ebbed a slight bit. A small victory for me.

Jake was just shaking his head at me. "You really are crazy, you do know that right?"

"I've heard it said."

"Come into the front room. I was just watching some tv."

I followed him into the tiny room. It was cramped with limited furniture. The only seating was the couch and that just seemed like an awkward way to have this conversation with Jake, so I took a seat on the ground, curling up so my head leaned against my knees. Jake took his spot back on the couch, lounging on it. He had learned not to comment on our sometimes weird seating arrangements. He knew we were comfortable however we sat, so he didn't push the fact that I was sitting on the floor.

"So, what brings you onto the reservation? I'm sure the pack wasn't too happy to see you."

"They sent Seth to check up on me and see what I was up to."

Jake chuckled slightly. "Of course that was probably Sam's doing. He trusts you guys in theory, but I imagine actually seeing you walk on tribal land irked him. But, he is a man of his word. He won't harm you or any of the other Cullen's while the treaty is still on hold."

"Oh I understand. Don't worry, Sam didn't offend me. I probably would be a little concerned about his leadership if he didn't send somebody."

"I'm guessing, though, you didn't come down here to discuss the pack."

"You guessed right." I looked him straight in the eye, assessing his emotions. From the feel of things, he was really calm. My guess is he hadn't had the chance to just chill out in a while, between patrols, Bella, and now his new soul mate. I didn't really want to burst his bubble of peace, but I knew I had upfront about Bella and me. "I came to talk about something that happened last night after you left."

"Oh really?" He straightened up a little, and leaned forward, his chin balanced in his hands. He sensed that this conversation was serious.

"I had a discussion with Bella because I was a little concerned about how she was taking you having imprinted on somebody."

"Why? Was she upset?" Jacob looked confused.

I paused, not really knowing how to answer that. I felt it wasn't really my place to go telling Jacob about her feelings on the matter, but I also don't know if it would be easy to understand the story without knowing the context. I decided to see what Jacob deduced about her feelings. "How do you think Bella feels about you?"

Jacob was quiet for a minute, contemplating his answer. "I know she loves me, but as a friend." He paused, his eyes focused on the wall behind me. "It's weird the relationship we have, because I love her too. It's odd, but I know she is my soul mate. If the supernatural world did not exist, I know 100% that Bella and I would have gotten married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. We would have been perfectly happy. But there are other things in the world that have prevented that from happening."

"More specifically Edward," I supplied for him.

He glanced at me. "Yes."

"Then you can appreciate that Bella was a little unhappy with this new development. I think she had hoped that with time and healing that you two would get that shot at happily ever after."

Jacob's face fell and I tried to ease the guilt he felt slightly. "Damnit. I just keep hurting her even after I promised her I wouldn't."

"That's what I was dealing with after you left. Bella and I were talking about this. I was telling her how you both deserved something better because she still could never reciprocate in the way she wanted and you deserved to have that someone who could give you all of themselves. Well, there was a moment or something and Bella and I kissed."

I studied Jacob and his emotions, waiting for some kind of reaction. It was like for a split second everything about him froze as he digested that information. Then slowly a small smile grew on his face. "That's an interesting development. What happened next?"

My mood plummeted a little at the memory of the events. I didn't want to relive it, nor did I want Jacob to think less of me. But I knew I had to explain everything to him, as Bella's best friend and my good friend. "I didn't react so great."

"What is not so great?" Jacob's voice was suspicious.

I took an unnecessary breath, trying to steady my own nerves. "I pushed her down and basically told her she could never live up to Alice and that I didn't care for her."

Jacob growled and I saw that his body started to vibrate a little. I thought about calming him down, but I thought my attempts would just make him angrier. "Look, I know it was wrong and trust me you can't say anything to me that either my family hasn't said or I haven't thought."

Jacob took some steadying breaths and tried to get his emotions in check. "Did you apologize?"

"Most profusely and of course Bella accepted without question."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Of course she did. I know we should all take a page from her book and be a little more forgiving, but sometimes I gotta wonder about her sanity."

"You and Rosalie would probably be in agreement that she forgave me too quickly. Hell, I think she did too, but that is how she felt and I wasn't about to argue with her for being too nice."

"Did you guys talk about the kiss and what it meant?"

"Yes and that's the other part of why I came here. We have decided we both have feelings for each other but we don't know how romantic those feelings are. We are going to take things slow, date each other. I can't tell you how precarious this whole situation is because we both lost the loves of our lives. We are flying blind on this. I was married to Alice for so long and mere months after she is gone I am with someone else. I can't help but think what kind of person that makes me. Not to mention Bella is just regaining her feet after everything. I don't want to jeopardize that, but I also know that ignoring us is going to do nothing good."

Jake shook his head and I felt anger rolling off of him into the room. I had a feeling this might be coming. "I understand your anger at her being with another vampire."

"No, that's not what I'm angry about. I had a feeling you and Bella might start something for a while now." He paused, collecting his thoughts. I felt an internal struggle over something. "If I tell you something, will it stay between the two of us? You will never tell Bella or the rest of your family."

I didn't like to keep secrets, but then because of Alice and Edward I was never able to. I studied Jacob for a minute and I knew he had something he really wanted to tell me, something that had been weighing on him. I knew that as his friend I would let him confide in me. "It won't leave this room."

"Okay, now hear me out. I just have to get this out but please don't take this in the wrong way. I know you aren't supposed to say anything bad about the dead, but I can't say how angry at Edward I am over his actions. Part of me is glad he is dead because he can't honestly fuck up Bella's life any further. He had to take the chicken shit way out by killing himself when he caused everything to begin with by leaving Bella. I understand that he thought Bella was dead, but that is no excuse to cause that kind of suffering to his family."

Jacob took a few breaths, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was getting ready for round two. "It was cowardly what he did. You and Bella have lost the same thing he thought he lost and you are continuing to live your lives. You are putting the pieces back together one by one. And maybe I wouldn't have been so angry if he hadn't taken Alice down with him. To see what you are going through sucks and now you have to second guess all these decisions in your life, because Edward decided he wasn't man enough to face the problems he caused. I'm sorry, but I can't stand it."

I let his words settle in me. I'm sure he thought I would be indignant and defend Edward back, but the truth was I didn't have it in me. "I never said anything to anybody and I would barely admit it myself, but I blame Edward for Alice's death. He should have never done that to our family to begin with, but he must have known that Alice would see his choice. He had to know that somebody would try to stop him. Yet, he continued with his plan. I try not to dwell on it because what's done is done. There is no use being angry at somebody who is already dead. But trust me you are not alone in your feelings."

And just like that something lightened in Jacob. "Just knowing that makes me feel better. I've wanted to say something to somebody for ages, but I wouldn't dare bring it up with Bella. It would just cause her too much pain."

"I agree. But, someday, I think she might get to that same place as us. It may take her a while, but there is a lot of fight in her and she will come to that realization someday. And I'll be there with her to help work her through it."

We lapsed into silence, both having a lot to think about. I turned over our conversation in my head and remembered something he said quickly. "You foresaw Bella and I being together?"

"Yeah. I considered it for the first time a couple weeks ago when the three of us were hanging out at her house watching tv. I remember so clearly that she was lying on the couch with her legs over your lap. You were absently rubbing her legs. You two looked so comfortable together and it was the first time I noticed that both of your faces were completely peaceful. You would never guess the pain that you had gone through by looking at your guys' faces. I can't help but be happy that you have found that comfort."

I didn't expect such an honest answer from him, but I was still a little confused. "I just thought after Edward that you would be against her being with another vampire."

"You would think that, but I don't feel that way." Jacob looked like he barely believed it himself. "I see you two together and it feels right. I'm not saying that Edward wasn't some amazing boyfriend to her, but the couple times I saw them together, it was always like she was subordinate to him. There was no equality in their relationship, which I attributed to him being a vampire and her being human. Now seeing you two together, I now know it doesn't have to be that way. You treat her like an equal even though she is human."

Ah, her status as a human. I hadn't even thought of bringing that subject up with Jacob, but now that he mentioned it, I might as well get it all out in the open. If he was going to be angry, I would rather see it directed at me rather than her. "That's something else that was decided last night. Bella has made the decision to become a vampire, probably after Christmas."

Jacob whistled. "You really had an eventful evening last night."

"I want to be honest with you."

"I appreciate that you respect me enough to tell me. I have to ask, was it her decision? Did she get pressured in any way?"

His eyes penetrated mine, gaging my response. "No, we didn't," I told him honestly. "She was actually the one that brought it up last night. We have all said our peace on the matter and left the decision up to her. This is what she wants and Carlisle is willing to give it to her."

"I see," Jacob said slowly. I knew Jacob had grown to accept us and become a good friend, but this was still difficult for him. "I'm not going to lie and say I am overjoyed at this. I can't help but be sad a little that her life has turned to this. However, I'm not going to fight it, nor will I say anything to her about it. I once might have thought of this as a death sentence. I now know I can still see her and hang out with her. I just would have wished for her a normal life."

"On some level or another, everyone in my family would have wanted that too. Nobody wishes this life on another. But, since she has chosen us as a family, we are not going to deny her. We are selfish beings and are happy that she will be with us. But, we do understand your reticence."

"That's all I ask, is your patience with me on the subject." Jacob took a deep breath and fell back into the couch. "Please tell me that is all that happened last night because I don't think I can take anymore revelations. Next you are going to tell me that Charlie found out about you guys and has chosen to be a vampire as well."

"Nope, Charlie is safe for the time being," I joked.

"Good." Jacob closed his eyes and I could feel him working through everything I told him. Overall though there was no bad emotions swimming through him. If anything he was pleased that I came and decided to be open with him.

"I'm going to get out of your hair. I actually have to prepare for my date with Bella tonight."

"What are you going to do?" Jacob asked curiously.

"I don't quite know yet. She wants me to plan something normal. I think she wants to see what I would do for a girl if I was human."

Jacob nodded in understanding. "I think I get what she is going for. Just be yourself and don't get too expensive. I have no idea what her thing about money being spent on her is, but keep it simple if you want to keep her happy for the evening.

"Good advice," I said as I stood up. "Well, I guess I will talk to you later."

"Maybe, I'll come by tomorrow to see how the date went."

"I bet Bella would like to tell you about some of this stuff herself, especially about her being changed."

"Okay, tell her I will stop by after my patrol. I'll be by sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"Sounds good. I'll see you later Jacob." I headed out the door and was halfway down the walkway when someone called out from behind me. I turned around to see Billy wheeling down the path towards me.

"I was listening in on your conversation with my son, and don't expect me to apologize about it. I have a right to listen to what a vampire has to say to my son in my own house," Billy spoke gruffly.

"I understand." I really didn't want to pick a fight with him and it didn't really bother me. Billy didn't seem like the kind to gossip and who would he talk to about any of this.

"Something you said in their caught my attention and I just had to put my two cents in."

I waited, wondering what on earth he could have to say to me. I guessed that he wasn't too happy about Bella being turned into a vampire.

"You talked about what was the proper time to move on after the death of a spouse. I just have to say, don't over think the whole thing. I was married for 15 years when my wife was killed in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver. I never got over it and never even considered dating."

I felt my stomach drop a little at his words. This was the thing that bothered me. There were people like Billy who lost a spouse and never moved on. They were truly committed to the person. I felt like I was going back on my word to Alice to be committed to her.

"Now I know you must be thinking I'm some sort of saint for being loyal to her even in death, but the fact of the matter is I'm not. I was too stubborn to let her go and too scared to let someone else in. And for that I suffered. No spouse wishes that their partner remains alone after their death. They want them to be happy. I didn't know your wife but I'm sure she is no different."

"Losing a spouse is the worst thing that can happen, besides maybe losing a child. No one who hasn't been through it can imagine so people can't judge, that is if they were going to. It's nothing to be ashamed of to move on and I know Bella. She is a smart girl and if this is what she wants, you two should move forward. Don't think you are desecrating your wife's memories. You can't do that. You are merely moving forward and making new memories. I wish I had been brave enough to do so after my wife died. Don't make the same mistake I did."

"Thank you, sir." I was deeply moved that he would give me such open advice. And while he didn't say anything much different than anybody else in my family, I couldn't help but think his words carried a little more weight because he was actually a widow. "I know it must have been hard to give advice to a vampire. I appreciate the gesture and will keep your words with me."

"Good, now get going, I don't want it getting around that I was fraternizing with the enemy. I have a reputation to uphold." He made a shooing gesture towards me.

I laughed and headed back towards the woods. I glanced back around to see him still sitting on the pathway, his face had a slightly far off look to it. I was please to see though there was a small smile on his lips. Maybe I had gained a small ally in Billy Black.

 


	13. The Saltwater Room

_Time together is just never quite enough_   
_When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home_   
_What will it take to make or break this hint of love?_   
_We need time, only time_   
_When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?_   
_If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?_   
_So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?_   
_All the time, all the time_

-The Saltwater Room by Owl City

**Chapter Thirteen**

I jiggled my leg nervously from my seat in the living room. I had set down the book that I had been attempting to read; with my nerves I hadn't taken in a single word. I glanced at the clock, seeing that it was 2 o'clock on the dot. It seemed like an early time to go on a date, but Rosalie had just shrugged at me when I asked. She said she was just the messenger. At least Rosalie and Esme had been helpful in picking out my outfit.

We had ended up just driving down to Aberdeen and found a Ross which appealed to my sensibilities. Rosalie made a couple choice remarks about the store, but then I reminded her that I was supposed to look like me for the date. We had ended up finding a cute maroon, scoop neck tee and a pair of Capri jeans. For shoes I went with an old pair of black Vans. Rosalie had done some light make up on me and pulled my hair back at the nape of my neck, leaving a few stray strands to frame my face. I had asked if I was too under dressed, but she assured me I was perfect for the day ahead of me.

I heard a car pull up out front and I looked outside to see Jasper step out of Carlisle's car. He came to the front door quickly and I went around to meet him in the foyer. We both looked at each other a little shyly. I noted that he was also clad in jeans, but with a hunter green, button-up shirt, the sleeves rolled up and the bottom untucked. I felt a lot less subconscious about my casual attire.

As if he read my mind, or more like my emotions, he spoke softly, "You look lovely."

I blushed at the simple compliment, his tone made his words better that some long, poetic phrase. "You look great as well, of course."

"Thank you."

We both kept staring at each other, and I knew this was new for both of us. "Now don't you two just look as cute as a button."

I groaned. Emmett.

Sure enough he was heading down the stairs with Rosalie floating behind him. At the commotion, Esme and Carlisle peaked out from the kitchen, where I was sure they had been listening to our entire exchange. My cheeks flared red at the embarrassment.

Luckily Esme took pity on us. "Now, Emmett leave the two of them alone. I thought I asked you to stay in your room."

"And miss out on the fun? This was worth Rosalie saying I couldn't have sex for two weeks if I left the room."

Rosalie shrugged and gave me a pitying smile, as if saying I did what I could.

"Well, as much fun as this has been. I think I am going to take Bella now." Jasper put his hand on the small of my back and led me out of the house slowly.

"You two don't do anything Rose and I would do. Remember God is watching you two," Emmett called out from the house right before I heard a loud crack, which I assumed was him getting hit by Rosalie.

I refocused though when Jasper opened the passenger door of the Mercedes for me. I got in as gracefully as possible, which was hard considering how low the car was to the ground. Jasper got in the drivers side, started up the car, and started driving.

"Why are we taking this car?" I asked.

"Our destination is a bit of a drive and I figured with this I could get us there a little faster than if we took the truck. Not to mention the forecast said there could be pockets of sunshine so I thought better safe than sorry."

"Where are we going? Dates don't usually start so early in the day."

Jasper looked a little perplexed. "When do they start?"

"Usually in the evening. A lot of the time it is dinner and movie, or something along those lines."

"But I thought you wanted me to what I would do with any other girl that I was interested in. Are you saying that I messed up?"

I laughed at Jasper's uncertainty. "No, you haven't messed up. You are just being a little unconventional and I was curious as to why? Or is the destination some sort of secret."

"No, it's not really a secret. Have you ever been to Port Townsend before?"

I dredged through my childhood memories, trying to remember if that was somewhere that Charlie had taken me as a kid. "I don't think so."

"It's an old naval port that is pretty much a historical town now. Anyways, you know how much I like history, especially military history, so I thought that was something we could experience together. There are some cool historic houses to tour and then I thought we could have a quiet dinner there. Nothing fancy."

I felt relief. The whole activity seemed so normal and honestly, just like Jasper. "That sounds perfect."

Silence enveloped us in the car, and it was a little uncomfortable. Jasper turned on the cd player and I recognized it as a Pink Floyd album, not exactly date music but it didn't bother me. I knew neither of us had any idea where we stood. I reminded myself that it wasn't bad that we didn't know what was going on. We would just let things happen. Jasper and I were still friends, no matter what, and so I thought about what I would say to my friend Jasper.

"I've been looking at the course catalog for SPSCC and I think I got a schedule figured out."

"Oh yeah?" Jasper smiled. "What are you thinking of taking."

"I thought I would take a literature class. Also, there is a philosophy class about the great thinkers that sounded interesting. I really want to take Spanish as well."

"You know _Isabella_ , I can tutor you in Spanish personally," he spoke in a husky voice that made my toes curl.

"I was counting on it, actually." I tried to keep my voice steady. "Have you thought about what you are going to take?"

"Probably a full load of history classes. I feel like I have missed so much, even though I have lived through those times. I thought I could catch up."

At first, I was a little surprised at his class choices. Not that the history classes were a surprise, but the fact he wasn't basing his schedule off of mine. I just remembered that Edward had connived his way into being in most of my classes. Jasper was in no rush to mimic my schedule. For a brief second I wondered if he even cared, but I instantly regretted that train of thought. I remembered Jasper told me that I shouldn't compare anybody to Edward, it was unfair. Not to mention, there was something almost liberating about my schedule being my own. Jasper wasn't going to be there every second so I would be able to tell him about them at the end of the day. I wouldn't have to compare my grades to his, which would automatically be better than mine. No, my classes would be my own. I grinned at the thought.

Jasper was polite enough to not comment on probably the wide array of emotions he felt run through me in those couple of minutes. Instead he kept focused on the road. I settled into my seat, getting comfortable for the ride. The last time I had been in this car with Jasper was under much different circumstances. I wondered if Jasper remembered. For a brief moment I was drawn back into those days of separation and worry. I think he knew what I was thinking about because he reached out and placed his hand over my hand that was resting on my leg. I shifted my hand so our fingers interlaced, and just like that I was back in the present, feeling the calm that Jasper's touch always provided.

The rest of the ride was peaceful. Sometimes we chatted about normal things, well as normal as you can get with a vampire. Other times we sat in silence, listening to the music. It turned out Jasper didn't need to worry. There were no pockets of sunshine. The sky was a solid gray mass that surprisingly did not dump water on us.

We arrived in Port Townsend which, as Jasper said, was a very small town. We drove to the historic section of town and to say it was picturesque would be an understatement. There were lines of Victorian houses. The lawns were meticulously cut. Everything was in perfect blocks, just as one would expect of a former military base. We parked and got out of the car. Once again I was thankful for the overcast weather, Jasper and I could just enjoy ourselves outside.

We went on a tour of the commanding officers house, which was cool. It was furnished with historically accurate furniture. Jasper commented on numerous things, and you could tell he was extremely interested in a lot of the items. His fascination was almost childlike and it pleased me to be able to see him like this. I forgot that he was a vampire. We talked like a normal couple, and it was a relief for once to not worry about sounding weird to others around us. We looked and behaved just exactly like a normal human pair. It was comfortable.

"So, you think a desk like that would look good in our house?" Jasper questioned.

"Oh yeah, I love the detailing," I replied as we examined some of the furniture.

"But, the butter churn is a no?"

"Definitely, I don't care if it would add character; there is absolute no reason for us to own a butter churn."

"What about the human hair wreath?"

"Hell no!"

"But, it would be a fun conversation starter."

"A creepy conversation starter. People are going to walk away from our house thinking we are serial killers and that it is our trophy case for our kills."

"And you say that as if it is a bad thing. Don't ever underestimate the value of people being afraid of you. It adds zest to your life."

I laughed, giving Jasper a playful shrug. "I've got a enough zest, thank you very much."

Next we took a tour of the grounds which were amazing. We spent a long time just meandering around the place, talking and laughing. We made it down to the water and walked along it for a while, talking about everything and nothing at the same time.

"So would you rather listen to a crappy song sung by a good singer or a good song sung by a crappy singer?" I asked Jasper as we slowly made it down the beach.

"You've got to give me an example to make an educated decision," Jasper answered.

"Okay, how about It's a Small World After All sung by Johnny Cash or Hallelujah sung by Emmett?"

"Oh hands down It's a Small World," Jasper laughed. "Emmett's singing is simply wretched. My turn. Would you rather eat my cooking for a day or go hungry for two?"

"That's a trick question! How am I supposed to answer that?"

"Honestly," Jasper teased.

"Fine." I bit my lip and looked at him out of the corner of my eye, a guilty expression no doubt written across my face. "I would rather go hungry."

"I knew it," Jasper announced triumphantly. "I knew you were sugarcoating my cooking skills."

We continued on in much the same fashion until my stomach growled though and Jasper glanced at his watch.

"Time to feed you."

"You don't have to make it sound like I'm your pet," I giggled.

"I'm sorry," Jasper replied sarcastically. "I think it's time for me to provide you with dinner."

I rolled my eyes. "Now you just sound like my caretaker."

"There is just no winning with you," Jasper dramatically sighed.

We headed back to the car and he popped the trunk pulling out a mini cooler and a blanket. He took it silently and headed in the opposite direction of the houses. We went up a gravelly road lined with lots of overgrowth. As we climbed a little I saw a stone structure at the top of the hill. I wondered what it was.

Sensing my curiosity, Jasper explained, "It's the original bunker. It's abandoned and empty now, but it's kind of a cool structure. We can go sit up on top and you can eat up there."

He was right, it was an interesting building. The dark stone building was ominous looking with the gray skies behind it. It was two stories with stairs on the outside that led up to the roof. I could see why it appealed to Jasper. I liked it too. It was a unique place to finish up our date. We climbed the stairs and sure enough there was a beautiful view on the roof. Jasper spread the blanket and handed me the cooler before sitting down. I sat down next to him, opening the cooler to find a store bought caesar salad, a roll, a bottle of iced tea, and a chocolate bar. It was a simple dinner, but they were all foods I loved. I dug in happily.

I glanced over at Jasper who was sitting in his favorite position. I knew that a vampire was always comfortable, no matter how they were sitting. But, Jasper seemed to always choose to sit with his knees pulled up to his chest, arms around his legs, and his chin resting on his knees. I wondered if it was how he usually sat when he was human and the habit had followed him into his second life. His profile was stunning against the dark background. I smiled before going back to my food. He didn't look over once while I ate which brought to mind a question I had wondered about for a while.

I waited until I was done eating before I spoke. I turned towards him and asked, "Why don't you look at me while I eat?"

Jasper looked at me, a little confused. "Why would I watch you eat?"

I blushed, knowing I wasn't supposed to be making comparisons, but I honestly was curious. "Edward would always watch what I ate, he said it was fascinating. You never do."

"And do you think I care about you less because I don't have that same fascination with you?" Jasper's voice was emotionless, so I didn't know what he was feeling.

"No, I'm not trying to compare you two. I just want to know if me eating is gross or something?"

Jasper turned his head and laid it down on his knees so he was looking at me sideways. A curl fell in his eyes and I didn't hesitate to reach over and sweep it back so I could see his golden eyes clearly. A small smile formed on his lips. "I don't find your eating off putting, nor do I find it interesting. It's a basic human habit that I just don't pay much attention to one way or the other. As for Edward, I have no idea why he found it fascinating, probably because he had never experienced love before and so he associated everything about you, including your eating habits as interesting and novel."

"So, you don't find me interesting and novel?"

"Nope, I find you dull and boring," Jasper deadpanned.

"I guess our relationship is doomed then," I exclaimed dramatically.

"Lucky for you I like dull and boring," Jasper said, not breaking eye contact with me.

"Lucky me," I whispered. I was captivated by his eyes, noting once again the dark flecks in his light eyes. I counted them in my head, as a means to keep myself focused. His eyes shifted minutely, glancing downwards, then back up before leaning in slowly. I hesitated for a brief moment, remembering the pain of being rejected last time. Jasper paused with me. Probably sensing my emotions, he pushed forward even more purposefully, capturing my lips with his. He kissed me softly for a period of time that I couldn't measure.

When he pulled back, I opened my eyes to see a full smile blossom on his face. I had a feeling my face mirrored his. I reached up and traced his jaw with my fingers, lightly skimming across the cold surface. "Much better than last time."

The look of happiness diminished. "I'm never going to forgive myself for that."

I sighed, knowing I probably shouldn't have mentioned it. "There is nothing left to forgive. But I do know how you can make it up to me."

Jasper raised an eyebrow questioningly. "What would that be?"

"This." I took the first step this time and initiated the kiss, sighing as our lips made contact.

"That is one of hell of a penance," Jasper chuckled when he pulled back.

"I know it's terrible, but it's a burden you are going to have to bear."

There was a brief moment of silence as the humor fell from both of our faces and we studied each other. Jasper was the first to break the moment, sighing and taking my hand. "I really should get you back."

"But it's still early," I complained.

That made Jasper smile again, probably pleased that I didn't want the date to end. "But, I don't think Charlie would appreciate me keeping you out late."

"I'm going to Charlie's tonight?" I felt unnerved that where I was staying was decided without me. I was ready to start a lecture on me getting to make my own choices when Jasper spoke up.

"I just assumed. You have been spending a lot of time at our house as of lately, but I thought you might want to spend some time with Charlie with our move to Olympia approaching. And then with you being turned after Christmas, you really don't have much time left with him." He paused, his lips turning down. "If you want to come back to our house that is fine. Nobody is making you stay anywhere."

I thought about his words, my mind having a hard time wrapping around the idea that my time with Charlie was limited. I was trying to comprehend that, but it was difficult. "I'll stay with him for a bit. You are right," I mumbled.

Jasper cleaned up my little mess and took back my hand to lead me to the car. We were silent the entire walk and for the beginning of the car ride. I was lost in thought, imagining my life without Renee and Charlie. Luckily Jasper did not try to interrupt my thoughts. He probably recognized that this was a reality that I had to face, even at unconventional times, such as after a really nice date. There was no way around it. I wondered if we would fake my death. They were able to pull off the entire story of Edward and Alice being killed down in California with ease. Would this be just as easy?

* * *

I parked the car smoothly in the garage and stepped out, shutting the door softly behind me. I saw Rosalie's feet sticking out from the bottom of Emmett's Jeep. She was a ball of black and snarling feelings. One thing I knew about Rosalie was that she could hold a grudge for a long time and I didn't want to be on the receiving end of that. Instead I wanted to just get whatever the problem was out in the open.

"Did Emmett decide to run to Seattle instead of drive?"

"Yes."

"Has he called back to check in yet?"

"No." There goes drawing her into a conversation.

I walked over and sat up on some of the open counter space against the back of the wall. I curled my legs up to my chest and rested my arms on my knees. Rosalie's tinkering faltered for a second before she continued tightening something with a wrench. Once she was finished, she pushed herself out from underneath the car and stood in front of me, not a smudge of grease on her or her clothes. She appraised me a second before hopping onto the counter next to me.

"So how was your date?"

"It was nice. Peaceful. For a while I completely forgot that I was a vampire. I just felt like some guy that was hanging out with this girl he had a crush on."

Rosalie laughed at my description. "That's how Emmett makes me feel sometimes. He has this way of making me giggle like a little girl."

"I like when that happens to you. It reminds me that you weren't born this way. I remember about that young girl who just wanted her dreams to come true."

She paused, before blurting out, "I'm sorry." That was probably the second to last thing I expected to come out of her mouth.

"About what? Not to be rude but that could pertain to a lot of things you have done," I teased.

She didn't crack a smile at my attempt at levity. "I guess I kind of deserve that. You know everything is my fault. I keep going through all the events in my head and I always come back to the call I made. I didn't care how Edward felt, I just wanted our life to go back to the way it had been before Bella had entered it. I was relieved that she had died. I honestly thought it was all over. Instead I turned around and made things even worse."

I had no idea that she had been carrying around that kind of guilt. Her feelings were often dark as of late so I didn't really poke much further into them. I just figured she was angry and sad about Edward and Alice's death, like we all were. Instead she was yet another member of this family with a false sense of guilt.

"It isn't your fault Rosalie," I replied truthfully, reaching out a hand to pat her arm. She recoiled at my touch though.

"No it is. I set the wheels into motion. And now I have to live with the fact that I led to the death of both my brother and sister. I have to see the pain that causes you and Bella. The moment you might find some happiness in all of this mess you have to step back and second guess every decision. And instead of me being understanding of that hesitation, I nearly bite your head off for it."

"I know why you were mad. I had hurt Bella and you were just trying to protect her."

"I was just trying to ease my guilty conscious."

I shook my head, not believing her words. I wondered how many of us would try to claim the blame for their deaths. I knew Emmett thought he should have been there. Bella thought she should have been more careful and never cut herself. I should have never attacked Bella. There were so many points where if one factor changed, Alice and Edward might still be alive. It cemented what Jacob and I had been talking about earlier today in my head.

"Rosalie, Bella and I have been down this road of claiming guilt over and over again. What I am slowly coming to realize as more of us try to shoulder the blame is that the fault lies solely with Edward and Alice."

Rosalie tensed next to me like she was going to attack me. "What?"

"You know, we all made mistakes. Ultimately though it was Edward's decision to forfeit his life to the Volturi. Nobody forced him to make that decision."

"But, if I hadn't called…"

"It doesn't matter. It was still his decision," I insisted. "As for Alice, well she must have known going in that her chances of survival were slim. She decided it was worth the risk. She made that choice willingly. They both chose the path that they were on and we can be angry with them for that. But, we can't be angry at ourselves anymore. This guilt and blame is poisoning our family, making it impossible for any of us to move forward."

"I just miss them so much." Tearless sobs wracked Rosalie body. I reached over, pulling her smaller frame next to mine. I don't think Rosalie and I had ever shown each other much affection, in fact I kept my distance from most of my family. But instincts I didn't know still existed came forward and I held Rosalie tightly to me, trying to comfort her.

Carlisle stepped in at that point. I wondered how much of our conversation he heard before Rosalie broke down. When he got closer, he gave me a sad smile that told me he heard everything. He got closer to Rosalie putting his hands on her face, forcing her to look at him. "It's not your fault. We all forgave you a long time ago for the small part you played in all of this mess. We have all made mistakes throughout this debacle. I know I wish I had forced the family to stay, or maybe I could have given in to Bella's wish to become a vampire earlier. But, Jasper is right. Alice and Edward made those decisions of their own free will. All we can do is express our grief and try to continue on with our lives."

Rosalie nodded meekly. In that moment I felt something shift in both Carlisle and Rosalie. The guilt could not be erased that easily or quickly, but they both made the step in the right direction. I decided to take that first step with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> his chapter took a little work. I felt the pressure on this chapter when I wrote it and was personally a little disappointed, but now am much more pleased with it. I've been to Port Townsend twice and loved it so I went ahead and inserted it in. Also, I think my story comes off as anti-Edward. It's not meant as such honestly. In the books I'm 100% Team Switzerland. I like all of the characters of Twilight. But, in the framework of this story, it kind of just comes out.


	14. This is Not the End

_Even as you wait for death you're wiser then I am_   
_Tell me what does it mean to exist_   
_I am not a scientist I must believe in more to this_

-This Is Not the End by The Bravery

**Chapter Fourteen**

It was weird to wake up in my own bedroom without anybody in it. Whoever had been on patrol last night had decided to stay outside. I did my normal morning routine in peace and quiet, for once not hyper aware of the fact that a vampire could hear every movement of mine in the bathroom. I got dressed in a t-shirt and jeans and headed downstairs. I slept in a little late so Charlie was already gone. He had been happy to see me last night which made me feel even more guilty about leaving him. He was so excited about me going to college in Olympia, but little did he know that the move was just the first step in our permanent separation. I couldn't help but wish that there was some way that I could still stay in contact with him after the change. I knew Renee had Phil so while losing me would be horrible, I knew her life would go on. I couldn't help but be concerned about what my disappearance would do to Charlie.

I was munching on my cereal, happily replaying my date with Jasper in my head when someone knocked on my door. I saw Jacob's Rabbit through the window. My mood picked up at the prospect of him visiting. I unlocked the door, pulling it open to see Jacob standing on my porch grinning like an idiot.

"So, how was it?" He didn't even wait for me to invite him in before barging in and plopping down on the couch.

"How was what?" I asked, perplexed.

"Your date with Jasper? Was he a gentleman if you get my drift?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"How the hell did you know?" I threw myself in the adjacent chair.

"Language Miss Swan," Jacob tsked, looking entirely too amused by the situation. "But, to answer your question Jasper came by yesterday to ask my permission to date you."

"Isn't he supposed to ask my father for that?"

"He figured, rightly so, that I would be the one that liked the least that you were dating another vampire. Charlie loves Jasper."

He had a point. Charlie credited my improvement in temperament entirely to Jasper. He really wasn't that off the mark. "Well, apparently you didn't scare Jasper off so you must not have been that against the idea."

Jacob's grin softened. "I like Jasper a lot and I think you could do worse. He's a good guy. If anything I think he is too good for you."

"Oh thanks, like I need anybody else besides myself thinking that."

"You know I'm kidding. You two are good for each other and really life gave you lemons and you decided to make the best fucking lemonade that you could."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I guess that is one way of putting it."

"You never did answer my question. How was the date?"

"It went well." I hesitated. It was weird to be talking to Jacob about my date, even if he was all okay with the situation. "He took me to Port Townsend."

"Huh?" Jacob's face was scrunched up in confusion.

"We went on a tour of one of the historical houses and had dinner on an abandoned bunker."

"How romantic?" His voice was skeptical.

"It was," I assured him.

"We had fun just hanging out and he was sharing his interests with me. You know how he has all that military background."

"I guess," Jacob spoke doubtfully.

"What did you do for your first date with Elyse?" I accused him.

"It just so happens I treated Elyse to a night of romance and passion."

"In other words, you drove her around the reservation before parking down by the beach and making out with her in your car."

Jacob's face slacked. "How did you know that?"

I guffawed. "You have no imagination when it comes to romantic gestures not to mention I figured that since you already know that you are soul mates you were antsy to get down to business."

Jacob shook his head. "You know me too well."

"You're my best friend, what can I say?"

We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us glancing at the tv reporting about the increase in murders in Seattle. I wondered vaguely what was going on Seattle before Jacob spoke up.

"You do know we will stay best friends no matter what?"

I focused my attention on Jacob, sensing that he was trying to tell me something important. "Of course."

"Because nothing that happens can change that. I don't care what you are; we are still going to be friends."

It dawned on me. "Jasper told you about my decision to become a vampire."

"He thought he would give me a heads up. I think he figured I might be angry at your decision and he would rather I take my anger out on him."

"Are you angry?" He looked calm and I couldn't sense any unease.

"Not mad. I'm a little sad. Nobody wants their friend to become a part of the legion of undead. I wish that you could have had a nice normal life, but since that doesn't seem to be a possibility, I have resigned myself to the fact that this is the best thing for you."

"The Cullens will take care of me. I will always have a family."

"I know and I am happy that you will have that. I won't fight your decision. I just have to ask, is this completely what you want? Nobody pressured you into this decision?"

"The choice was completely mine," I said honestly.

"Good, then I won't stand in your way and the pack won't either."

"What are you talking about?"

"Technically the treaty with the Cullens prohibits them from biting any person, including to change them."

"But it's my choice," I butted in.

"I know and the pack agrees with me that you are making this decision fully aware of the consequences. We won't consider it a breach in the treaty. It will continue to be upheld."

I sighed in relief at that. I would hate if there was trouble between the two sides just because I chose that I wanted to be a vampire. My mood lightened at the thought that there was one less obstacle between me becoming a vampire. A thought came to me then. "Will you look after Charlie after I turn?"

"Of course," he answered without hesitation. "And Billy will make sure to keep him company."

"That will make me feel better."

"Don't you think you can still email him or talk to him on the phone?"

"I don't know. It would be prolonging the inevitable. Not to mention my voice is going to change."

"Charlie is not the kind of guy that is going to really ask too many questions. He would just be so happy to hear from you."

"Maybe," I allowed hesitantly. "I've got months to come to a decision."

"When are you going to do it?"

"Sometime after Christmas. Jasper and I will still go to college for a quarter."

"That should be fun. I am going to have to come down for visits."

"As much as Elyse can spare your mad kissing skills," I teased.

Jacob kept a straight face. "I'm not going to lie to you, it may not happen often. I'm in high demand."

"I'm sure you are," I mocked. "When do you think I can meet the special girl?"

"Soon, hopefully," Jacob replied enthusiastically. "I think you and Jasper are going to really like her. I was hoping we could maybe hang out on Saturday."

"Like a double date?" I asked a little dubious. I mean that seemed like something out of a teen chick flick.

"It doesn't even have to be that formal. I thought I could maybe just bring her by the house and we could hang out." Jacob's voice was hopeful. I knew he wanted all of his favorite people to be friends. I knew how that felt when I wanted Jacob and the Cullen's to get along. He gave them a chance and I would do the same for Elyse.

"That sounds nice Jacob. I'll talk to Jasper about it. I'm sure he would love to meet her as well."

"Great, it's a plan then."

The home phone rang at that moment, interrupting our conversation. I got up and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi, is Jacob with you?" It was Jasper, but his voice was strained.

"Yes, is something wrong?" I couldn't help be concerned that something had happened to somebody in the family. Maybe Victoria had finally made her move.

"Everybody is okay," Jasper reassured, guessing where my thoughts had gone. "But a problem has arisen. Jacob should hear this too. Can you two come over immediately?"

I glanced at Jacob who sat up, alert. "Yeah. We will be over in a few minutes."

"Good." The phone clicked as Jasper hung up. I stared at the phone in my hand for a minute, completely flummoxed as to what that was about. Jasper didn't even say goodbye. It must be serious.

"We need to go to the Cullens' house." I grabbed my house keys and headed towards the door.

"What's going on?" Jacob asked as he followed me out. I locked up behind me and Jacob.

"I don't know. It sounded serious though."

He didn't ask anymore questions, assuming correctly that I knew no more information than what I had said. He unlocked his car and we got in. It was an unspoken agreement that his driving and his car would get us there the fastest. At this moment I didn't care about speed laws. We kept silent on the short ride. Once we parked we scrambled out of the car, running up to the house. I opened the door to find the family sitting around the dining room table. I had learned this was where important decisions were discussed. I took a seat next to Jasper. Jacob he held back and leaned against the wall.

I glanced at each member of the family. Everybody had stony expression on. Jasper's expression fell a little as I searched his eye for any clue to what was going on. He reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Carlisle was the first to speak. "I don't know if you were aware Jacob and Bella but there has been some suspicious events going on in Seattle."

"The murders," Jacob replied for both of us.

"Yes. A couple weeks ago our family started to become concerned about the increasing number of bodies. The murders took on a pattern that we are all too familiar with, vampires living in Seattle."

"Okay." I drew out the word, unsure still why the situation was so serious. "So is there another coven in the area?"

"Not exactly," Jasper answered. "The vampires are reckless with cleaning up after themselves, which suggests they are newborns, but we weren't sure. So, we sent Emmett over to Seattle to assess the situation."

Emmett picked up the story from here. "We were right, there is a small group of vampires wreaking havoc on the city."

I knew this was bad for the people of Seattle, but I still failed to see why everybody else was so concerned. "And?"

"Well, it got me wondering as to who was making them because really there is only two reasons to create a vampire."

There was because you wanted them to become a part of your coven and then there was... My thoughts trailed off as a realization came to me. "To make an army?"

"Bingo." Emmett nodded. "I wanted to know who was creating the army so I followed a couple of the newborns, hoping they would take me to their leader. A long story short is they did and Victoria is the one making them."

Black spots invaded my sight as thoughts dizzily swam around my head. It was no longer as simple as Victoria wanting to kill me. No, things had escalated to a new level. She probably saw the Cullen's move back in and figured it would be even more difficult to get to me. So, she made a plan to take out the whole family.

"How long do we have?" Jacob asked. I guess he connected the dots like I had.

Jasper shook his head. "It's impossible to say for sure. My guess is we have a couple weeks. From what Emmett told me she has six newborns. She probably knows about Edward and Alice but she is still going to want enough to guarantee a win for her. She is going to need a couple more to ensure she overwhelms our family and she is probably going to attempt to give them some sort of training. This is good for us. We will be able to train some and it means we won't be taken by surprise if we leave a family member in Seattle at all times to give the family a heads up when they decide to make their move. If we let them come to us, we will take them by surprise when we are waiting for them."

"It would make sense if it was a wolf because of the pack connection," Jacob proclaimed.

"Jacob, this isn't the packs fight," Carlisle objected. "Newborns are very strong and fast. I can't endanger the pack like that."

"Nope, I'm pretty sure the rest of the pack will agree with me on this. Let's put Bella's safety aside for a second. If they win, do you think they are just going to go on their merry way? No, they are going to go after the people of Forks and La Push. This is our fight no matter what and you aren't going to be in it alone."

Carlisle sighed heavily. "You are all just children."

"I'm kind of insulted by that," Jacob laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"You know what he means," Esme joined the conversation. "It would be a shame for any of you to lose your life in what should be our fight."

"It wouldn't be any less of a loss if any of you died," Jacob insisted.

Everybody paused when he said that. I saw then that Jacob truly did see the Cullens as people. He did not want anything bad to happen to them and he would fight by their side. Everybody in the room became aware of the fact that we weren't that different at all. It made my stomach clench that everybody was being so selfless trying to protect me. I had brought all of this on the family and it would kill me if anything happened to any of them. I felt so helpless. It occurred to me that I didn't have to be helpless.

Jasper's face darted to me at the jolt of adrenaline that coursed through my body. He raised an eyebrow in question to me. His shift had led to everybody's eyes being trained on me. I took a steadying breath before speaking. "I want to be changed now."

There was a chorus of no's coming from everybody but Jasper who was examining me quietly. I kept my eyes on him, knowing he would be the most important one to convince. "You said yourself that we probably have weeks. That means that I would have enough time to be changed. I would be strong enough to help the family. I would be an asset."

His face was impassive, considering what I was saying. Carlisle was the one that responded first. "But you may not be in control of yourself. All you are going to want is blood. You won't be much help if we have to babysit you to make sure that you do something you are going to regret."

"Honey, I don't want you to change because you feel obligated to. This isn't the right way," Esme added.

"We will be fine on our own." Emmett seemed insulted that I was insinuating that they needed the help.

Rosalie and Jacob didn't even have to say anything for me to know that they disapproved of my idea. But, Jasper, the one I really cared about still hadn't said anything. His breathing started up again and he blinked as if coming out of a trance.

"Bella, they are right. You may not be in control. If you were crazy with bloodlust then somebody would have to guard you to make sure you staid in line."

They were poking holes in my plan and I didn't like it. I quickly scrambled to find ways to refute their claims. "I am going to change anyways so a few months is not going to make a huge difference," I spoke to Esme. I turned to Emmett. "Yes you do need my help. As for having to watch me, if I am human somebody is going to have to stay with me anyways to protect me. If I am a vampire at least I can defend myself if I need to."

I saw everybody waver a little, but Jasper. "Bella, this isn't the right way."

Something that I didn't even know was brewing bubbled over within me. I slammed my hand down on the table, causing everybody to jump. "NO! You don't get to decide this for me. This is my decision."

"But, Bella this is dangerous…" Jasper pleaded.

I stood up, pulling myself away from him. "Edward thought he knew what was best for me and made my decisions for me. Look where that got this family. You guys don't get to leave me behind again. I refuse to not be a part of this. I cannot bare the thought of losing any of you and I am going to do everything in my power to help protect this family."

"She's right," Rosalie whispered sadly. "Anyways, she is going to be a hindrance one way or the other. At least as a vampire there is a chance that she could actually be helpful to else."

I cheered at the insult. That was the Rosalie I knew and loved. I turned to Carlisle. "If you don't do it willingly, I will make you do it. I will jump off a cliff or do something equally stupid and dangerous."

Carlisle eyed me. He knew that if he wanted he could just lock me up to keep me safe. But he understood the true meaning of my words. I wanted to take my destiny in my own hands and I would do anything to keep it that way. "We'll put it to a vote, as this affects everybody."

"Fair enough."

Carlisle started. "I vote yes. I promised I would follow Bella's wishes if she wanted to become a vampire and I will uphold that."

"No," Esme countered. "I want you to become a vampire but I want you to have more time to adjust and say goodbye to your family and friends."

"No," Emmett voted. "I'd rather be babysitting a human than a newborn."

"Yes," Rosalie murmured. "I'm done making decisions for others. If Bella wants this I will stand beside her."

"I completely understand where you are coming from Bells and personally I agree with you," Jacob spoke. "But, I just have to vote no for Charlie's sake."

I didn't take that personally and I had to admit my stomach dropped a little at the idea that my time with Charlie had run out. I had hoped that with moving to Olympia my absence wouldn't be so abrupt. Although the idea of hurting him pained me, my resolve didn't lessen.

"I obviously vote yes." It was a tie. Jasper was the deciding vote. I had been right when I knew he was the person I had to convince.

It was funny because him sitting down and me standing meant we were closer in height than if he was standing. I never noticed just how much of a difference in height there was until I was almost staring straight into his eyes. He took my face into his hands gently and studied me, his eyes darting to each one of my features. I tried to imagine what he saw. He looked sad for some reason. Finally he spoke, explaining himself. "We were supposed to have months. I was supposed to date you so we could take things slow."

It made me sad to lose that future. We would have had so many sweet times, and I knew I would have cherished every moment of us together. But, by me being changed, I could help ensure that we got to have a future, it would just be slightly different. "We can still have that, I just will be like you when it happens."

"It won't be the same," Jasper countered, shaking his head.

"No it won't," I agreed. "But it will be just as special." I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his quickly. I didn't pull back, instead, I held his gaze, left to count the flecks in his eyes.

"I vote yes," he whispered to me, although the rest of the room could hear it. He kissed me, this time we took our time.

* * *

There was no dramatic decision making in a closed off room. In calm and level voices it was simply decided that tomorrow would be the day. Bella would spend one last night with her father. She would tell him something about moving down to Olympia early. We would pack up some of her stuff, move it here and then well…I guess Carlisle would bite her.

It was such an odd concept that my mind was having a hard time grasping it. I knew on some level that it was inevitable that Bella become one of us. And I was not hesitant about her being a vampire. But, in all of my years I had never seen somebody planning their own transformation as if it was just another day. Somebody being turned was usually a quick decision, done in the moment. I have never seen one planned out.

Carlisle and Bella were hashing out most of the details by themselves. Esme was off in the room cleaning the already immaculate kitchen. I felt her anxiety about whether the family made the right decision along with a healthy dose of worry for her family. Jacob had left to brief the pack on the latest developments. Rosalie and Emmett headed back to Seattle to see if they could learn anything else while waiting for one of the pack to show up.

Bella turned to me asking if I would take her home. I agreed, borrowing Carlisle's keys to drive her home. He told me I didn't need to bring the car back right away. He was going to call the hospital and tell them he was going to need to take some vacation time. He hated to put them in a bind like that, but he wanted to be here for Bella's transformation. I shuddered, knowing what was in store for Bella.

Our ride back was mostly silent. I could only imagine all the thoughts that were running through Bella's mind. This was more abrupt of a change than any of us had wanted for her. But she had been right. She could make her own decisions and I wasn't about to vote against her. I wouldn't dare to think I knew better than her. My past had too many blemishes on it for me to say I knew what was best for her. Instead, I had to go along with her and hope she was making the right decision.

I parked next to Charlie's car at the house. A deep sadness ran through Bella at the sight of her home. I knew that this was going to be a tough night for her.

Bella made no move to get out of the car. "Will you spend this night with me?"

"I thought you would want to spend time with Charlie alone." I looked at her trying to guess the thoughts behind her emotions.

"I want you with me." She hesitated for a minute, looking down at her hands. "I don't know if I can do this without you."

"You don't have to. Let's go in."

I grabbed Bella's hand as we walked up to the house. I spotted Charlie glancing out the window at us, but I didn't care. I wanted to be there for Bella in any small way I could. I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as we stepped into the house.

"Hey Dad," Bella greeted Charlie, going over and giving him a hug.

"Nice to see you too Bells," Charlie laughed, patting her on the back.

She pulled back, a little flushed, realizing that she was acting odd. I gave her a dose of calm and she glanced at me thankfully. "I'm going to get started on dinner."

"You don't have to. You just got in. Let me order us some pizza." Charlie reached for the phone.

"No, I really want to cook dinner tonight," Bella insisted.

"Okay then. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth." Charlie sat back down in his chair and focused his attention back to the evening news expecting that the conversation was over.

I looked at Bella, trying to gauge if she was going to tell Charlie now or later. She seemed to decide for herself. She turned towards the kitchen, before moving back to face her dad. She took a deep breath before speaking suddenly. "Dad, I have something important to tell you."

"What is it?" Charlie met her gaze.

I could feel her resolve wavering so I stepped closer to her, placing my hand on the small of her back. I hoped my mere presence was a help. Charlie eyed my arm that was now on his daughter. He looked a little surprised, but was not able to focus on that as Bella spoke up.

"There has been a change in plans. The apartment that I was going to move into had a sudden opening and they said I could take it if I wanted. I looked into it and summer classes at SPSCC start next week and there is still some openings. I thought that there wasn't too much reason of a reason to wait until Fall to start classes. I hope you don't mind."

Charlie eyed Bella for a moment, digesting the information. "When would you leave?"

"Tomorrow," Bella muttered.

"Sheesh, that is short notice. But, if it's what you want, I think it is a good idea. Will you be able to pack in time and do you have enough money to get started? I can call the bank tomorrow and get some money transferred to your account."

"No, it won't be necessary. I still have a bit of money saved up and I plan on getting a job down there. I will call if there is anything I need," Bella assured her father.

"You better." Charlie twisted his hands, unsure of what to do in this situation.

Bella sensed his unease. "You just sit back and watch the sports recap with Jasper. I am going to get dinner started."

I picked up on Bella's hidden meaning with those words. She needed a few moments to herself to work through this. I respected that, taking a seat on the couch.

"You will take care of her, won't you?" Charlie asked after a minute of silence.

"I will," I answered honestly.

There was another break in conversation. I felt like Charlie was working up to say something. Sure enough, there was more to this conversation. "All I want is for Bella to be happy. I think her getting out of this town will do her some good, and probably you too. I hope you two can find peace after what happened, and if you find that with each other, then good for you two."

I wanted to laugh. That was a long speech for Charlie and in his own way I was pretty sure he just gave me permission to date his daughter. I appreciated it, knowing he thought highly enough to entrust his daughter with me. I didn't want to betray that and I knew I would do everything I could to keep her safe, and that meant letting her become a vampire.

I didn't speak much the rest of the night. I let Charlie and Bella fill in most of the conversation. They talked about classes and Olympia. Charlie offered to take tomorrow off work to help move her in but she insisted that we had it all taken care of. She wouldn't have to move much, which was the truth. She insisted that he go to work like normal. They would just say their goodbyes tonight in case she wasn't up yet.

I said goodbye for the evening a while after dinner, letting them say their farewells in peace. I drove the car back to our house before heading straight back to Bella. I climbed up the side of the house and jumped into Bella's bedroom silently. I froze, listening to the noises in the house. I heard Bella and Charlie hugging outside her door, saying their final goodbye.

She came in a moment later, waiting for the door to click behind her before breaking down and crying. I ran forward, pulling her into my arms and holding her as tightly as I dared. I didn't have any words of comfort for her in this situation because in a way, it wasn't going to be okay. There was no hope for a future with her father and there was no use in saying everything would work out. She knew that her loss would be hard on her father. I wanted to tell her the pain would fade when she became a vampire as her human memories became blurry. However, I sensed that me telling her that may have made her feel worse rather than better.

Her tears showed no signs of stopping so I pulled her toward her bed, lying us both down on it. Bella instantly molded herself against my chest as I wrapped my arms back around her. I hoped that she would tire herself out soon and fall to sleep but she seemed to have another plan for the evening. Once her sobs had subsided she pulled herself up so she was hovering over me. She didn't pause or give any warning before lowering herself and kissing me fervently, not holding anything back. I was lucid enough for a minute to notice the sense of urgency in the kiss, before she shifted in a way that caused my mind to completely clear of any thoughts except for Bella.

I moved my lips with hers, meeting her pace. I traced her cheek with one hand before tangling my fingers in her hair. I brought another hand down her back before stopping at the hemline of shirt that had ridden up. I placed my fingers on her exposed skin, relishing the warmth. Bella expressed her approval by moaning into my mouth and pressing herself further on me. She rubbed herself against the growing bulge in my jeans, which caused a growl to escape me.

I needed to control this situation a little better, I thought as I flipped us so that I was the one on top. I tried to slow the kiss, trying to get us on steady ground. Bella had none of that. She just moved her mouth so it was trailing along my jaw. I closed my eyes, loving the feeling of her warm mouth dancing down my neck. While her mouth was working its magic, I noticed her fingers were skimming along my stomach, slowly pushing my shirt up. I tried to focus, knowing there was a reason we should slow down.

It wasn't until her hands fumbled with the button on my jeans that I came to. Of all things, her inability to unbutton my jeans quickly reminded me that she was very much still human and that this was her last night as such. I pushed myself back so that I was still hovering over her but now there was some space between us. Bella tried to close the distance again, but I put one arm over her chest to hold her down. "Bella, we can't do this."

"Why?" Bella gasped, her breath still ragged from kissing.

"How about the fact that you are still human. I could hurt you."

"You seemed to be doing a pretty good job there of not hurting me." Bella tried her best sultry voice. I swore her eyes darkened as she held my gaze. It caused my resolve to falter for a second. After all she did have a point; I had not felt the burn in the back of my throat once during that little venture. No focus, I told myself.

"Bella, this would be your first time. This isn't how it should be, some rushed affair the night before you are changed forever."

"If you don't want to have sex with me you just have to say that. You don't have to come up with all of these excuses," Bella retorted as she slipped out from under me. She grabbed her toiletries and headed to the bathroom. I blamed my dazed state as the reason she could escape me so easily.

I groaned, feeling like a complete fuck up for making Bella think that I didn't want to have sex with her. Of course I did. I would be the first admit Bella was extremely attractive and my body seemed to respond instinctively to her as per my performance earlier. But, that didn't change the fact that she was human and this would be her first time. She would probably bleed and I knew that was a huge risk, one I was not willing to take. Not to mention, our relationship itself was on shaky ground; I didn't want to complicate things by sleeping with her too soon. I had to explain this to her but in order for her to do that she would have to eventually come out of the shower. She was pulsing with insecurities and adding that to her feelings of saying goodbye to her father, I think it was an understatement to say Bella was having a pretty shitty night.

Bella was many things, but she was not the type of person to avoid her problems. She came into the room dressed in some gym shorts and t-shirt. She hadn't bothered drying her hair, instead pulling it back into a ponytail. She probably assumed she really didn't have anybody she needed to impress with her appearance tomorrow. I sat up and crossed my legs, patting the spot next to me. Bella ignored me and sat across from me on the other side of the bed.

"Bella, you cannot possibly think that I am not attracted to you. You had to have felt, both figuratively and literally, how much I wanted to continue."

Bella blushed and looked down at her bed spread, using her hand to pick at a loose thread. "It doesn't make any sense to me though how I can compare to the many women you have been with, all of which have been vampires. Alice alone was perfect. I can't measure up to that."

"Alice wasn't perfect, nobody is. Do you know how awkward our first time together was?" I laughed at the memory.

"I don't believe you," Bella replied doubtfully. "Vampires are so graceful. How could it be anything but romantic and perfect."

"Because there was an almost two foot height difference between me and Alice. That is bound to make things a little interesting. I wouldn't change anything about it though. Those memories are special to me, but I would be creating new memories with you. Sex with you will be completely different because you are unique and so different from Alice. I can't compare you two."

Bella's internal emotions calmed somewhat. "Then why can't we have sex tonight? You won't hurt me, I know that. And it's an experience I would like to have as a human."

"It is dangerous, no matter how much faith you have in me. I am able to push the boundaries further than Edward because of my prior experience. But, we can't forget I still do not have a complete grasp on my control." Bella opened her mouth to protest but I continued on. "But, putting that aside, I still don't want to do it tonight. You and I just starting out, I want to wait a little while into our relationship. And, I want you to be a vampire when we have our first time together."

"Why? So, I will be more attractive?" Bella honestly asked

"Of course not. Because I want to be with you as equals and I want you to always have that memory. When you become a vampire, your human memories are going to fade and blur. I don't want that to happen to your first time. I want you to be able to keep that memory with you, even if our first time is awkward and ungraceful."

Bella lips quirked to a half smile. "I doubt it will be like that."

"Just you wait and see. Sex isn't like in the romance novels."

"I imagine it's not. But it can't be that bad," Bella joked.

"I didn't say it was bad. I wouldn't change anything about my first time with Alice, well except for maybe when I dropped her on the floor on accident."

Bella laughed and the remaining tension in the room dissipated. She crawled over to me, giving me a quick kiss, before hugging me tightly. I pulled her into my lap kissing her forehead as she snuggled into my arms closely. "You should probably go to sleep."

"Why? It's not like I am going to really need it tomorrow. I don't want to waste my last human hours asleep when I could be spending them with you."

"Enjoy dreaming for the last time. You will see me plenty after you are turned, but this is your last time to sleep and dream."

Bella considered this for a moment before closing her eyes. "Will you promise to wake me up early? I want to see Charlie one last time."

"I will," I promised, kissing the top of her head. "Now go to sleep."

Her breathing slowly evened with a little help from me. She succumbed to sleep so I laid her down on her bed, covering her with a light blanket. I got out of the bed, and went over to sit in the rocking chair. I needed a little distance from Bella tonight, as what she had started earlier was not easily forgotten by many parts of me, one part in particular.

It was a quiet night, except for the brief interruptions of Charlie checking up on Bella. He wasn't able to sleep very peacefully, his emotions in turmoil at the thought of his daughter leaving him. The way he kept coming in to see her, while I hid in the closet, made me guess that he intuitively knew that tomorrows goodbye was more permanent than she was letting on. After the third time of waking up, I decided to intervene and give him a few hours of peace.


	15. Plans and Reveries

_Now you're bleary eyed and you're hypnotized_  
 _Are you bleeding?_  
 _Feel the burning cold_  
 _Not what you were told_  
 _Now you're hazy_  
 _Making out their shapes_  
 _Focus on their frames_  
 _Can you hear them?_  
 _Now you're on your feet floating in the sea_  
 _Pins and needle_ s

-Plans and Reveries by Black Gold

**Chapter Fifteen**

"Bella time to wake up," a soft voice whispered in my ear.

I rolled over, curling my arm around a stray pillow. "More sleep."

"Your dad is getting ready to leave."

Those words pierced through my hazy state. I knew there was some importance in these words and for a moment I tried to grasp at why. Then in a rush yesterday came flooding back to me. I was going to be changed today and I needed to say one last goodbye to Charlie.

I threw the covers off of me, bounding out of bed quicker than was wise. My foot caught the edge of the throw rug by my bed, causing me to almost fall face first. Luckily, Jasper was there to catch me smoothly. I smiled up at Jasper who was looking down at me with amusement. "My hero," I sighed dramatically.

"I do my best ma'am." Jasper tipped an imaginary hat as he set me down firmly on my two feet.

I curtsied before heading out the room, trying to catch my dad. He was standing by the door putting on his gun holster. He looked at me in surprise.

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"Nope, I was up anyways to get an early start on packing," I lied easily. "I just came down to say one last goodbye."

Charlie pulled me into a tight hug. "You take care of yourself Bells."

"I will."

"And take care of Jasper, he cares a lot about you."

"I feel the same way about him."

"Good." He loosened his hold on me, leaning back to give me a quick kiss on the forehead. I felt a lump rise in my throat at the sign of affection. "I love you, Bells," Charlie whispered gruffly.

"I love you too, Dad," I choked out.

He gave me a pat on the shoulder and then walked out the door. I watched him get in his car and pull out onto the street. I stood there long after his car was out of sight. I let the tears silently fall down my face unhindered. I knew I was making the right decision, but that didn't change the fact that I would miss Charlie dearly. Jasper came over and stood behind me, wrapping his arms around me, letting me lean into him. He didn't say anything, he just let me work through this at my own pace.

Eventually, the tears ran out and I knew I had things that I needed to get done. That was enough to force me forward. I turned and gave Jasper a quick kiss. "Thanks for your patience."

"You're welcome." Jasper gave me his own kiss, this time lingering for an extra moment.

My mind flew back to the events of last night. I felt embarrassment at my actions. I couldn't believe I had been so forward with Jasper and tried to push myself on him. Jasper must have thought I was crazy, just jumping him like that.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing." I turned to go upstairs, but Jasper had other ideas as he turned me back around to face him.

"You are blushing and are really embarrassed right now. Is this about last night?"

If possible, my face heated up further. "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Tough luck."

I huffed. "Fine, I'm ashamed of how I basically just threw myself at you and then you rejected me..."

"I was slowing things down because last night was not the right time for us to have sex for the first time, not that I didn't want to."

I softened. "I understand that and I am very grateful for your actions. It's still embarrassing."

" _Isabella_ , there is nothing to be embarrassed about with me. You should feel comfortable talking to me about anything, including sex," Jasper emphatically replied.

He was right and I knew that. We have talked about our darkest secrets and emotions, and that had never led to any amount of ridicule. Talking about sex shouldn't be any different. I took a deep breath, forcing my heart rate to slow. "I know that it is just between the two of us and technically there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is still awkward for me, seeing as I have so little experience and you have been with plenty of women. We will talk about it more after I'm change, but you will just have to be patient with me."

"Fair enough. I can be patient and we will take things at our own pace once you are changed. To be clear though, last night you were very tempting to me. You are simply a gorgeous woman and it was excruciatingly painful doing the honorable thing last night," Jasper said huskily.

Just as my face was cooling down, he had to say something like that causing my cheeks to redden. I'm not sure how I was supposed to respond to that, so I said the only thing that came to mind. "I guess we should get packing."

"Sure," Jasper replied easily, leaning down to give me a quick kiss. "I'll call Esme to see if she can bring Carlisle's car over and help." Jasper pulled out his phone and dialed quickly. I didn't bother to wait.

I jogged up the stairs, glancing around the room that had been home for the last year and a half. I remembered how forlorn I had been when I initially had arrived. Now, I was reluctant to leave this life behind. Who would have thought?

Jasper came up as I started to stack the books I wanted to keep with me. There were already copies of some of these books at the Cullens, but I couldn't bare to part with some of my volumes.

"Esme will be here in a few minutes with some boxes," Jasper told me as he started to gather clothes from my closet.

"Is she still mad at me?" I asked, hating the idea that I had upset Esme by deciding to change early.

"She's not mad. She is just concerned that you are being too impulsive. She is a worrier. Nothing you can do about that," Jasper assured me.

We made decent headway in sorting my stuff by the time Esme had arrived. She had a pile of flattened boxes in her hand. She ordered Jasper to start assembling the boxes while she instantly started to organize the items on my bed.

I looked at Jasper, a little unsure if I should try to help. He chuckled. "We have moved so many times, Esme has moving efficiently down to an art," Jasper explained.

Esme looked up at his words.. "Sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to be rude. I just love packing. It's like a puzzle, how to get everything to fit."

Her voice was light and airy, and I knew from the look on her face that Jasper was right, she wasn't mad at me. I was grateful for that. I rushed forward hugging her. "Thank you."

Esme, never one to say no to a hug, patted my back. "For what?"

"For not being angry that I want to change now."

"I wouldn't be mad at you for your decision. I may not think these are ideal circumstances for you to make this choice, but I understand why you are doing it. I know you are doing this out of love for this family, so how can I be mad about that."

Relief flooded me. She knew exactly how I felt and I didn't need to explain myself further to her. "I do love you guys so much."

"I know, honey. Now, let's get to packing. I want you to start wrapping the picture frames with newspaper. I brought some; it should be by the stack of boxes."

And just like that we set to work on packing my belongings. It was good to be put to work on something tangible and concrete. I could focus on making sure each picture had a sufficient amount of newspaper protecting it. While I did this Esme was able to organize my stuff into piles and start packing these stacks into boxes. She had long since mastered a system that never failed her, or so she said. After I was done with the frames, Jasper help me go through the room, double checking that I had everything I wanted. If I was ever unsure about anything he decided for me, always to keep it. He said better to have it and be able to throw it away later than to not have it and wish I had kept it. It seemed like sound logic to me so I went with it.

Before long we had the room packed and Jasper and Esme insisted on carrying all the boxes down to the car. All of my belongings fit easily in the trunk of the Mercedes. My entire human life was reduced to these boxes. I went back to the house and walked through it one final time by myself, saying goodbye to each room. On my way out I locked the door one last time before walking to Jasper who was waiting to take me to my new life. Esme drove off in the Mercedes while Jasper and I got into the truck to drive it to the Cullen's. I felt too nervous to drive so I silently passed the keys off to Jasper.

The drive was silent and short. There really was nothing left to say. I had made my decision and I knew what to expect during the transformation, unspeakable pain. So we staid inside our own heads. I finally let my mind fully replay the events of last night. Now, though I was glad he said no. I understood where he was coming from. Sex was still a big step for us and kind of stupid considering the whole virginity thing. Me being a vampire would make the experience better when we finally did get to that point. And we were going to get to that point. Making out with Jasper was an exhilarating pastime and I could only imagine how much better it would be. Although I was still slightly embarrassed about the whole conversation and talking about my insecurities, Jasper had made me feel safe with him, like I could say anything to him. I appreciated that.

As if to express my appreciation, I unbuckled and scooted across the seat to lean against him. I took one hand of his in mine and squeezed tightly. Jasper smiled down at me before turning back to the road. The silence was peaceful and I soaked up the contentment of that single moment. I wondered if thankfulness was an emotion. To test the theory I focused on all my feelings of gratefulness that Jasper was in my life and tried to amplify them. It was kind of ridiculous but I hoped Jasper felt how happy I felt in that moment. Even though I was headed towards horrible pain and behind me I left my old life, as long as he was with me I knew that everything would be okay.

We arrived at the house. Jasper parked the truck in the garage, to keep it out of sight. Esme had just parked Carlisle's car. Esme told me to not worry about the boxes, that they would bring them in later…while I was dying. I added that last part myself. We headed into the house and I was not surprised to find Carlisle was waiting for me in the front foyer.

"How are you doing Bella?" His voice was coated with concern.

"Good," I spoke with conviction. I couldn't show any sign of doubt.

"Are you completely sure about this?" Carlisle had to ask.

I took a deep breath and met his steady gaze. "Yes."

Carlisle didn't move for a minute. He stared me down, making sure that I was being completely honest. He seemed to not see anything but truth because he motioned for me to follow him up the stairs. Jasper took my hand in his, walking side by side with me. Behind me Esme followed. I assumed Rosalie and Emmett were still in Seattle. We all walked in grim silence. The air was thick and I was finding it a little hard to breath. I felt like we were a part of a funeral procession, and I guess in a way we were. This was the end of my life as I knew it.

Carlisle brought us to my bedroom. He gestured for me to go in the room. There was nothing different about it. "I figured you would be most comfortable in your own bed," Carlisle explained.

It was a token gesture, I would have no idea where I was when the burning started, but Carlisle probably didn't know what else to really do. This was new territory for him too.

"Thanks," I managed to say as I climbed onto my bed and lay down.

Jasper brought over a chair and sat it down right next to bed. "I will sit with you."

Desperation rose up within me. "Please don't leave my side, no matter what."

"I won't, I promise," Jasper spoke thickly. Worry was written all over his face.

I was hoping I could be strong for him if nothing else, but even I had limits. "I'm scared." Tears started to fall from my cheeks and I tried to burn into my memory every feature of Jasper's face. I wanted to hold onto his image and keep it with me during the transformation. I hoped he would help get me through this.

"Maybe, we should wait to do this," Carlisle fretted from where he was standing next to Jasper's chair.

Jasper ignored his words leaning forward and kissing me softly. "It will be over in three days."

No words of comfort about how it won't be that bad or time will pass quickly. Neither would happen. But there was an end and I had to just keep reminding myself of that. I took every bit of strength I could from Jasper and looked at Carlisle, raising my wrist. "Do it."

"Bella, this may not be…" Carlisle faltered.

"Do it, please," I sobbed, pushing my wrist up.

Carlisle hesitated.

"You promised."

Carlisle brought my wrist to his mouth and within seconds my body was consumed by flames.

* * *

The yelling stopped relatively quickly and I didn't know what to make of that. Most transformations I had witnessed were excruciating to bear not only because the pain I felt from the person but also the agony in the piercing screams. Bella grew silent but not still. Her body twitched and writhed in pain. Occasional guttural sounds escaped her lips but never anything more than that. She was obviously feeling the fiery burn but I guessed it was too much to hope that maybe for her it wasn't quite as bad as it had been for everybody else.

* * *

I didn't know anything but the scalding fire within me. Every atom in me was exploding in pain and there was nothing I could do to cool the burn. I lost all sense of time and self. There was no outside world that I was aware of. Nothing existed before or after the darkness. There was only this.

* * *

Everybody had long since distanced themselves from Bella. Emmett and Rosalie had returned but they couldn't stand the idea of seeing Bella like this. The memory of the transformation never left or faded. We all knew what kind of torture Bella was going through at that moment. It was hard for the rest of the family to watch Bella endure that kind of pain. They loved her so much but they didn't want to see her in agony. I would have been right with them if I hadn't made that promise to Bella. I told her I wouldn't leave her and I wouldn't break that promise.

* * *

I tried to think outside of the pain. I knew there was somebody I was supposed to be focused on. He or she was part of the reason I was doing this. But, it was like the memory was on the tip of the tongue, but I couldn't recall it. I couldn't devote any brain power to it because of the burning. There was nothing left of me that wasn't on fire.

* * *

I started to slowly see the physical transformations happen before my eyes. I was seeing the Bella I loved being brought into sharper focus. First, her skin began to harden and lose what little color it did have. I also noted that her lips gained a slightly rosier tint. Her hair took on a different texture. I soaked up each one of these changes in appearances as a marker of the transformation being one step closer to being over.

* * *

I had no idea that there was another level of pain. Needles were next. Needles that stabbed every inch of my skin. I missed the time of simple burning, now I had both. I tried to focus on my heartbeat as a way to not completely lose any sense of self.

* * *

Bella arched her back in pain before collapsing back on the bed. She didn't move again but I felt the pain increase. I had experimented on the people Maria would change, trying to see if my power would allow me to calm a person to help alleviate the pain. I had attempted it a couple of times without any success. At seeing Bella in so much misery, I told myself it was a worth a shot now. I couldn't do any harm. I couldn't just take the burning away. So instead, I focused on the hand that I was holding between both of mine. I breathed deeply focusing on trying soothe and heal Bella. I kept at it for a while, wondering if it was working. I felt a quick squeeze from Bella's hand. I knew it could just be a jerk or some coincidence. I chose to see it as a sign that I was helping somewhat. It was the only way I would make it through the remaining time.

* * *

I was in the middle of counting heartbeats when I felt a tingle. It wasn't much. At first I thought maybe the burning was subsiding, but it didn't feel like that. I mentally scanned my body finding the source of the tickle. It was in my hand. The burning was less in my hand. I could see this shimmery light pushing its way against the fire that was in every part of my body. It was a struggle as the light shoved as far as it could. Eventually it covered my entire hand, but the light could go no further. My hand was still burning but it was at about half the temperature as the rest of my body. It felt like a sweet relief. I focused all my thoughts on that one hand and took refuge in the the small comfort it gave me.

* * *

The end was coming. I leaned forward in anticipation as her heartbeats became more erratic. I called to the rest of the family who hurried up the stairs. Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme gathered in the room, anxious to be there for Bella's first moments as a vampire. Relief flooded the room as Bella's heart made one final, terrible lurch before stilling. We waited with anticipation for her to open her eyes.

* * *

Something was changing. The liquid fire within me was hardening. Needles stopped piercing my skin. I started to become more aware of each of my body parts, not just my magical hand. I zeroed in on my heartbeats which sped up at first and then the beats became more erratic as the venom worked on it. My body completely cooled as my heart took its final beat in my chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is tricky because I loved how SMeyers wrote the transformation and I thought it was perfect. Obviously I couldn't use her description though so I tried my hand at writing it a little differently. I wished I could have skipped it but I felt like that was the pansy way out, lol.


	16. Open Your Eyes

_Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine_   
_And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time_   
_Every minute from this minute now_   
_We can do what we like anywhere_   
_I want so much to open your eyes_   
_'Cause I need you to look into mine_

-Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol

**Chapter Sixteen**

There was complete stillness.

Except I could hear birds chirping outside the window.

I felt sunlight pouring on my skin.

I heard even breaths of five other people in the room.

Breathing, something I wasn't doing. I took a hesitant breath and felt my lungs fill with unneeded air. I detected a dozen scents in that one bit of air and my mind had the capacity to dissect many of them. Fabric softener, wood, roses, cinnamon, strawberries, and the list went on.

My hand was encased in warmth, my magical hand. I wanted to how my hand had special powers so I opened my eyes to the new world around me.

I fought the urge to close my eyes immediately after I opened them. The room was bright and there were so many details in the room that my mind processed at once. There was already a part of my mind counting books on the shelf, without me telling it to. My eyes followed a dust mote as it flew through the air. There was so much to look at. I turned my focus for the first time on the people.

I noticed who was holding my hand. It was Jasper. There was a split second of relief at seeing him that was interrupted with an instinctual reaction, jumping out of bed away from him. I crouched in a defensive stance and stared Jasper down, who stood back, his arms raised in surrender. I saw every scar scattered across his arms and neck. The sight of the scars triggered a base reaction that I didn't even know I had. He was dangerous.

I pushed my eyes away from the scars to look at his face. I thought I had studied his face so much as a human that I had it completely memorized but I felt like I was seeing him for the first time. His features no longer looked unnaturally beautiful. My eyes finally had the capabilities to see the glow of his skin, the perfect arch of nose, and the soft curve of his lips. His lips. Something stirred in me.

I closed my eyes and thought about Jasper. I knew he was important to me, but the reasons were a little hazy. I forced myself to focus on my human memories. It was more difficult than I would have imagined. It was like I was trying to look through muddy water. There were indistinct shapes, but it was hard to bring them in to relief. I tried harder.

"My _Isabella_?" He whispered softly.

That was all it took for the memories to come back to me. I remembered my parents and their love for me. Eating Italian food at a restaurant in Port Angeles with Edward. Meeting my new family for the first time. Edward leaving. Jumping off a cliff so I could see him. A plane ride. Alice making me promise to tell Jasper something. Seeing Jasper again for the first time and recognizing the pain on his face. Healing both my pain and those around me. New friendships. A kiss. A date. A bite.

What probably would have taken my human mind minutes to think about seemed to only take my vampire brain mere seconds. I opened my eyes again and saw Jasper still staring at me, but he just looked worried. I smiled at him and slowly the worry slipped from his face. I ran forward and threw my arms around him. He made a grunt as I tightly hugged him. I forgot, I was stronger than him. I pulled back in fear that I hurt him. He wouldn't let me get far though.

"Oops, I'm sorry." My voice sounded different, it was lighter and more musical than I ever remembered it being before.

"I'm okay. You just surprised me is all," Jasper teased. His eyes glinted with happiness but they were dark.

I reached my hand to trace his jaw. "You need to hunt."

Jasper gave me a weird look, but didn't respond to my words. I looked past him to see the rest of my family was giving me odd looks as well. "What is it?"

Carlisle finally spoke up. "How are you feeling Bella? Is there anything you need to do?"

My mind ran through the things I could possibly need to do. I looked down at my body and saw I was still in my pajamas from the night before I was turned. "Well, I guess I should get dressed."

"Anything else?" Carlisle pressed.

I shrugged.

"Aren't you at all thirsty?" Carlisle asked in disbelief.

Oh. Once he said that I noticed for the first time the emptiness I felt within me and the itching feeling in my throat, like it was dry. I put my hand up to my throat. "Is that what the scratching feeling in my throat is?"

Jasper laughed. "Yes, you are thirsty."

"Well, let me just get changed and then can we go hunting?" I asked.

Everybody continued to give me weird looks, which was starting to become annoying. What was so weird about me?

"Don't worry about it. You'll probably get messy your first time so it doesn't really matter."

"Okay, well let me just get some shoes on."

Emmett chortled. "Bella, you don't need them."

"Oh yeah." I felt a little silly. "Let's go then." I turned and walked out of my room calmly, and down the stairs. When I got outside, Jasper was waiting for me, an eyebrow raised. Sometimes I hated that eyebrow.

"You could have just jumped out the window."

"Oh." I guess that would make sense. I was still stuck on my human limitations. They way it had been described to me, I thought that my human characteristics were going to be gone. But, I guess I was different.

As if reading my thoughts I heard laughter from the house. "Who needs a tv when you have Vampire Bella to watch." I heard a smack after that but also Carlisle's and Rosalie's laughter as well.

I wanted to go back and say a few choice words to Emmett but I felt a touch on my arm that brought me back to this moment.

"We'll get him back later. For now, though, you really should feed."

I nodded. "So, what do we do?"

"Let's just run for a while; get away from the house. Then I will tell you what to do from there. Follow me." And with that he took off into the woods.

I ran after him, pushing myself forward faster and faster. I felt alive as the wind blew past me, pushing my hair back. I thought even as a vampire everything would look blurry going this fast, but I never lost focus of anything. I dodged every branch that came my way easily. I easily leaped over any roots that stuck out of the ground. My feet enjoyed the feeling of overgrowth and dirt under my toes. I didn't feel anything poke into my skin uncomfortably.

Soon, I caught up with Jasper and I kept pace with him easily. He turned to glance at me quickly, but something shifted in his gaze. He stopped suddenly. It took me a moment to turn back around and come back to where he was standing. I had no idea where we were; there were thick trees all around us and the sky was only partially visible because of all the branches.

"Jasper? Why did you stop? Is everything alright?"

Jasper responded by stepping forward, pulling me into his arms and leaning down to kiss me. The thirst that had previously been nagging me was gone, along with everything else. Kissing Jasper was a new experience…it was actually a multi-faceted experience. Before my human mind could only focus on one or two things at a time. Now, I could feel his lips moving smoothly and gently over mine, while feeling his soft curls between my fingers. I could take in his scent fully, a woodsy musk. His soft moans reached my ears as he held me even tighter. There was also no need for oxygen shortening the kiss.

Reluctantly I pulled back, looking at Jasper questioningly. "What was that for?"

Jasper looked a little embarrassed, and I swear if he could blush, color would have been rising in his cheeks. "Just seeing you running, such a happy look on your face, well it was a relief to see. I thought when you changed it would take a while for you to find yourself again. But here you, still my _Isabella_."

"Is that why everybody was looking at me funny back there?"

"Kind of. Usually the first and only thing a newborn can think about when they awake is that they need blood. But, you were just talking about getting dressed and finding your shoes. It was odd."

"So, I'm a weird newborn?" For some reason I felt defensive. Even in this new life I was weird.

"It's a good thing," Jasper insisted. "You are fully in control of yourself. I have never seen anybody like that, but it means you might be able to bypass a lot of the turmoil that comes with being a newborn."

"I guess that is good."

"It is very good. Now, let's go get you something to eat." And he took me my hand, leading me off into a clearing with deer in it.

I followed Jasper's whispered advice telling me to let my control over my body to fall. I let a more primal side of my personality take over. It knew what to do with the deer. That animalistic part of me knew how to snap the deer's neck and to suck in the warm, viscous blood. The blood soothed my burning throat and soon I had my fill. I wiped my mouth and was pleased to see, I was not too worse for the wear. My clothes were slightly muddy and I had a tear in my shorts, but that was it.

"Not too bad for your first time," Jasper's called out to me, his hand outstretched for me to take.

We held hands as we slowly made our way back to the house. While we were quiet, the woods around me were alive with various sounds I never would have heard with my human ears. I enjoyed this short, peaceful break in everything, making me think that Jasper and I would have time after all to figure things out. After all, we were just a normal couple taking a stroll through the woods. I held onto that thought for as long as I could.

Too soon the house came into view and I saw the family in the backyard fighting. For a split second, I was concerned that something was wrong, but then I remembered that soon we would have to fight Victoria and a bunch of newborns. They were preparing themselves. Carlisle and Rosalie were paired off, circling each other quickly. I'm pretty sure my human eyes would have just seen them as a blur. It was disturbing to see Esme and Emmett actually throwing punches and kicks at one another. I was surprised to see that Esme was holding her own, keeping up with Emmett's powerful strikes.

As we came closer, the family stopped what they were doing and stared at me curiously. I'm pretty sure they were making sure that I was not going to fly into a rage over something. I stared back with a steady gaze, trying to show them that I was still there.

Jasper must have felt their apprehension. "It's okay, she is completely fine. She is more than fine. I have never seen anything like it."

Carlisle was the first to step forward. I thought he was going to start spewing off a litany of questions, but instead he reached out and enveloped me in a tight embrace. "I've been so worried Bella," he whispered into my ear. "I'm so happy to have you back with us."

Carlisle was just the beginning. Each member of the family took their turn, hugging me and welcoming me back the world of the living, so to speak. It was wonderful to now be an equal with them. Emmett didn't hold back as he squeezed me tightly with his full strength. He giggled like a schoolboy as he swung me around in a circled. I let out my own tinkling laugh that was foreign to my ears.

"Why don't we go inside and sit down for a while, let you get acclimated," Esme suggested after Emmett put me down.

That didn't appeal to me; I was too interested in their previous activity. I had barely tested my new body and I was curious what I could do with it. "I want to learn how to fight. It's just a few short weeks until Victoria will descend upon Forks and I want to be ready. The whole point of this was so I could help out and fight. I want to learn."

Jasper laughed, and put his arm around me comfortingly. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, you have to learn how your body moves. It's not going to react the same as when you were a human."

"Okay, then teach me," I responded, stubbornly.

And they all did. Each member of the family took turns with me, teaching me different ways that I could now move my body. They taught me to trust that if I fell or hit something, then I was not going to be hurt by it. Rosalie taught me how to do flips and Emmett and I had a contest to see who could stand on their hands the longest. I won a lthough Emmett contested it was because Rosalie touched him, knocking him off balance.

I learned a lot and enjoyed myself with the family, but after a while it started to become too much. Everybody was talking at once and I felt like my senses were in overdrive. Jasper eyed me, probably sensing my growing discomfort. I was pretty sure I was having a vampire form of a panic attack, which seemed ridiculous to me. But, Jasper didn't seem to think so. He came over to me, putting his arm around me, rubbing soothing circles on the small of my back.

"I think it's time for a break," Jasper announced.

Esme glanced at me and quickly agreed. "Of course it is. You should get cleaned up Bella and relax. It's been a long day."

The family continued with their sparring outside as Jasper and I headed inside. Once the door was closed and the noises outside became muffled, I felt slightly better. "Thank you," I whispered to Jasper, who still had his arm wrapped around me. "I don't know what came over me."

"You are probably just over-stimulated. It's a lot to adjust to in a short time. But, after a hot shower and getting into fresh clothes, I'm sure you will feel a lot better," he told me as we walked up to my bedroom.

I took his advice and grabbed some clothes and headed into the bathroom. Shutting the door behind me already made me feel a lot better. I was by myself, in a small room and all of my senses could manage the limited stimuli in this room. I turned on the water and disrobed, getting into the steamy shower. The scalding water felt amazing against my body. I knew I was not physically tired, but the water forced my body to relax. I washed all of the mud and dirt from my body, feeling more like myself.

I walked out of the bathroom, feeling clean and comfortable in my yoga pants and purple camisole. Jasper was waiting, lying on my bed and reading a worn copy of Cat's Cradle. He set down the book, scooting over in the bed which I took as an invitation to join him.

"You seem much more relaxed," Jasper noted as I curled next to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his chest. I noted that he no longer felt like stone to me. While he was still firm below me, it was not as hard. He wasn't cold to me either. I felt content there in his arms in that moment.

"I feel much better. Thank you."

"For what?" I didn't have to see him to know his face was scrunched up in confusion.

"For being with me every step of the way today."

"You're welcome my Isabella. You should be proud of yourself, you did amazingly well today. You were in control of yourself."

Something in his voice gave me pause. He wasn't lying, but there was more to what he was saying. "What is it?"

I waited for him to collect his thoughts, hoping he would answer my question. I reached my hand out a little, tracing his arm that was wrapped around me. I fully studied each of the marks on his arms, seeing how truly numerous they were. I traced each one I could, trying to discern a pattern. There was none.

"Not all vampires are beautiful," he stated, emotionless

Ire rose to the surface, but I stomped it down as best I could. "That is not what I was thinking," I argued firmly.

"I felt sadness in you, I thought it may be for the fact that I am no longer as attractive to your vampire eyes.

I rolled my eyes, secretly hoping that self-deprecation was not a required vampire trait. "I was thinking about how each of these scars represented a fight that you were in. I don't think I truly understood what you have gone through, until now. It makes sad to think of what you have been through to survive. I couldn't imagine doing this without the support of all of you. I wish that had never happened to you."

Jasper was quiet for a moment. "Seeing you like this, so in control makes me question my own blood lust. I killed so many people..." his voice trailed off.

I sighed heavily. That wasn't what I was expecting. This was no silly bruised ego. I sat up, so I could look Jasper in the eye. "Jasper, you can't blame yourself for that. You had no choice in becoming a vampire, and more importantly you were not taught anything else."

"But, I can't help but look at you, and how amazing you did today, and I wonder if there really was no other choice. What if I merely was not strong enough to pick the right path?"

I shook my head. "You didn't know that you could feed on anything but humans. As for your actions, yes they were awful, but there is something to be said about what you were taught. There is a point when you are going to have to let that pain and guilt go."

Jasper's closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. He opened his eyes and they were much clearer, softer. "How did you get so wise?"

I leaned forward, so I was hovering over him,smirking. "You'll never know." I closed the difference between us and kissed him softly. The kiss deepened quickly and I shifted to get myself closer to him. I straddled his hips, pushing my body down over his. A fuzzy memory tickled my brain, but I pushed it aside focusing all of my attention on what Jasper was doing with his tongue. I swear my brain started to short circuit as Jasper's hands crept under my tank, running across my skin. His hands were so soft and warm, I couldn't help but let out a moan into his mouth.

There was a loud banging on the door, which caused Jasper and me to pull apart quickly, in case somebody walked in.

"I can hear you two in there and Jesus does not approve. You have to wait until you are married," Emmett shouted from the other side of the door before stalking off down stairs.

If I was still human, I know my face would have turned beet red. Who said anything about sex? But, I had to admit, there was a more important thought going through my head. "Is he serious?"

Jasper groaned. "Ugh, not exactly. He isn't actually that serious, but by God, he will act like he is. He views it as some big joke, one only he finds funny. Alice and I had to sneak around for months before our wedding. He is the true definition of a cock blocker."

I laughed, laying back down next to Jasper, curling up around him. Well, now the mood was broken, not that I thought we were going there. Now that my focus was off of Jasper's body, my fuzzy memory niggled at my brain again. I focused on it, trying to think of what it was. It was something about Jasper in my bed. It took a minute, but it finally came back to me, my last night as a human. I was still slightly embarrassed by the whole incident, but more importantly I remembered that he said he wanted to wait until I was a vampire. Well, I was now a vampire, so I wondered if sex was on the table. The thought made me nervous, but more than anything excited.


	17. Wait

_Wait til you don't doubt no more_

_Wait til you know for sure_

_And you will wait too long he will be gone_

-Wait by Get Set Go

**Chapter Seventeen**

Bella knocked Emmett down, flipping him over on his back and pinning him. I was both awed and amused by Bella's show of force. Even with her newborn strength, it was still impressive that she was able to so easily defeat Emmett after only a few days of training. I couldn't help but remember Emmett's words. He had said that Bella was meant to be a vampire. Seeing Bella in these first couple days of her new life, I had to agree. She took to being a vampire so naturally. She had minimal problems managing her emotions and so far had none of the blood lust the rest of us had felt. She was more like her human self, with just a few shifts physically.

Bella heard my laughter, leaped off of Emmett, and looked at me. "How did I do?"

"Bella Swan I could not have done it better myself," I declared loudly.

Bella couldn't contain the grin from spreading across her face. The rest of the family clapped in agreement with my assessment. Emmett looked a little disgruntled, but knowing him he would shake it off and be his cheerful self in just a few minutes.

"If you think it is so funny, you go against her," Emmett challenged me.

I shrugged off his suggestion until I saw the glint in Bella's eyes. She appraised me, and I could feel her own curiosity, whether or not she could beat me.

"I don't know," I spoke to Bella.

"What? Are you afraid?" She taunted.

No, that was not the problem. But, I didn't really want to articulate in front of my entire family that the thought of facing off with Bella frightened me. I would have to treat her as if she was an enemy. It was one thing to teach Bella basic fighting skills and see her spar with Emmett, but another to think that Bella would be fighting against very real, very dangerous newborns. I hated the idea that I could lose Bella.

Instead of saying all of that I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. "Fine."

Bella smiled deviously as she stepped forward slowly. I squared my shoulders, and felt my muscles instinctively tense. My first thought was to go easy on Bella, not showing my full strength. But I quickly realized that I wouldn't be helping. To go easy on her would be condescending and honestly dangerous. The vampires that were going to fight against Bella were not going to go easy. I didn't want to give her a false sense of security.

I stood completely still, waiting for Bella to make the first move, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to resist the idea of overwhelming me with her strength and speed. Sure enough after 30 seconds of her waiting to see if I would make a first move, she couldn't take it anymore and propelled herself forward at full speed. Unfortunately for her, this was the first move of almost every newborn. I easily side stepped around her, forcing her to halt quickly to avoid slamming into a tree.

She turned around and glared at me, her lightheartedness fading to the background. She flipped her ponytail behind her, getting the hair out of her face. Her newborn instincts were taking over and she lunged forward again, this time she tried grab my arm to throw me on my back. I took her hand before she was able to get a firm grip on my arm and twist her around, putting my arms around her. She let out a growl, the frustration rising up in her, very much like a newborn. She elbowed me in the stomach hard, expelling the air out of me. I stumbled, but quickly recovered before she could knock my legs out from under me.

Bella's ire was bubbling over and she let out a feral sound. I knew she wouldn't last much longer. As vampires, not just newborns, get more frustrated, their fighting gets sloppier. Sure enough Bella tried another head on attack, but I was able to quickly subdue her, pulling both of her arms behind her back. She tried kicking me, but was unable to do any damage to me.

I felt the rage within Bella and knew not to push her any further. "I think that's enough for now," I called out, still holding onto Bella. The rest of the family glanced at us before slowly departing into the house.

Bella was squirming in my grip and if I looked into her eyes, I knew I would see pure black. She was fully in survival mode. I had to admit that it was a relief to see this in her. It made me feel better about her ability to fight in the coming battle.

"Shhh," I murmured near her ear. "It's just me, breathe Bella."

She still struggled in my arms. I leaned forward and grazing my lips against her neck. Bella froze, which made me think I was on the right track. " _Isabella_?"

"Jasper," Bella replied hoarsely. The anger drained from her body and she was able to manage her own emotions better. Her body slackened in my arms so I let go. I turned her around hugged her closely to my own body.

We were quiet for a few minutes as I waited for Bella to calm down more fully. I knew I could force the mood change more quickly, but I wanted her to practice this skill on her own.

Finally, when she started to feel like herself again she stepped back away from me, crossing her arms across her chest. "What happened to me? What was that?"

I exhaled, choosing my words carefully. "That was you tapping into a primal side of your personality, the newborn part of your brain."

"That was horrible. I recognized you, but there was something else that was taking over, a different part of me."

"It probably didn't help that I am covered in scars, a sure sign of a dangerous vampire. But, to be honest, you are lucky. Most newborns are not able to switch so easily between the different parts of themselves."

"That was considered easily?" Bella asked incredulously.

I reached out putting my hands on her arms that were still crossed tightly across her chest. "Bella, you have to remember that you are doing remarkably well. Most newborns are volatile and have difficulty keeping their emotions in check. That small outburst is nothing to be worried about."

Bella nodded and gave me a small smile. "I guess. I just hate the idea of me not knowing who I am and losing control."

"I'll be there to remind you, don't worry." I wrapped my arms around Bella tightly, trying to make her feel safe. But there was lingering uncertainty that she was struggling with.

"But, what if you aren't? All of this practicing is making me realize that they are a real threat to us, our family. What if something happens to somebody in this family, all because of me? God forbid, what if you get killed? I don't know if I am going too be able to take it."

The pure emotion in Bella's voice caused my stomach to clench. I wanted to tell her that nothing would happen and we would be completely fine, but she knew as well as I did how quickly something could change. I decided to go a more honest approach; after all I did promise her that I would never lie to her.

"Yes, something bad may happen, but we can't focus on that. We can train and be as prepared as we can be for the battle. And honestly, we are all strong fighters, and these newborns are going to have a tough time with us. With the wolves in the fight as well, we should be able to catch them by surprise. I'm not going to promise that we will come out of this unscathed, but we will give it our all. That is all that can be expected."

My words seemed to have a calming effect on Bella, her worry dissipating some. I leaned down and kissed her slowly, as if we would have years ahead of us to be together. I could only hope that was true.

"There is not enough room for the holy spirit between you two!" Emmett called out, before darting back inside.

Bella jumped from my arms in response, her eyes narrowing. "That little…I could rip his…"

I had to admit I was frustrated as well. I had no idea why Emmett thought his joke was so funny, nobody else did. I glanced back at Bella and I realized that for the first time I had a partner in crime who could actually hold her own against Emmett. She was stronger than him by a long shot.

I lowered my voice, making sure that Emmett wouldn't be able to hear me from inside the house. "Bella, do you think you could grab a hold of Emmett and keep him still?"

"Yes," Bella replied without hesitation. "What did you have in mind?"

"You go in and get behind him, try not to look too suspicious. Grab him and hold him still so I can get in there. You leave the rest up to me. Trust me."

Bella smiled. "No problem."

She then walked into the house casually, joining Emmett and Rosalie in the living room. Esme and Carlisle were up in his study talking quietly so they weren't in sight. Rosalie was lounging on the couch reading a fashion magazine while Emmett stood up to grab the tv remote. I took a quick detour to the computer desk, smoothly grabbing a sharpie from the cup with writing utensils in it. Bella pulled off her part seamlessly, walking up to Emmett nonchalantly, before using her speed to have his arms locked behind his back before he could do anything about it. Emmett instantly tried to struggle against her, using his height to try to gain some leverage, but Bella's grip was strong.

I pulled the cap off the sharpie and quickly faced off with Emmett, his eyes glinting with realization. I had to be quick, so I got to work on Emmett's face. He growled and tried to kick me as I colored his nose and drew whiskers on his face to make him look like a cat. Then I carefully wrote out "dumbass" on his forehead.

"Are you really not going to help me, Rose?" Emmett asked incredulous.

Rosalie did not even look up as she flipped the page in her magazine. "You have been asking for it by teasing them and anyways, I don't see how it really affects me."

"Do you really want to be kissing a guy with writing on his face?" Emmett spat out.

Rosalie didn't hesitate before responding, "I don't have to kiss anybody, so I still don't see how it is any of my business."

I finished the 's' with a flourish before stepping back to examine my handiwork. I had to admit I was pretty pleased with myself. "Okay, you can let him go," I instructed Bella.

Bella hesitated for a second, probably wondering what would happen to her once she did release him. But, I knew there was nothing to worry about. We used to pull these kinds of pranks on each other all of the time. We never fought each other, that was never the right response. Instead we would go off, lick our wounds, and then come up with a good way to retaliate.

Bella loosened her grip and immediately Emmett broke it, storming off to the closest bathroom to see what the damage was.

"Ha, you spelled dumbass backwards," Emmett called out triumphantly.

"That's because you are looking in a mirror, dumbass," I yelled back. Rosalie snorted from her seat.

I turned to Bella who was grinning ear to ear. Her happiness was so pure and contagious in that moment. "We make a good team." I raised my hand and Bella responded by moving forward and giving me a high five.

"Yes we do," she replied softly, clasping my hand and pulling me in for a soft kiss.

"Ugh, I agreed that Emmett should give you your privacy, that doesn't mean I want to see it," Rosalie huffed, taking her magazine with her upstairs to her room.

"And the rest of the family doesn't want to hear you and Emmett go at it," I retorted to her retreating figure. Her only response was flipping me off without even turning around.

I chuckled, refocusing my attention back to Bella whose eyes were warm, even through the red. There was a peaceful energy in her, no trace of anything negative in her at that moment. I let myself focus on her emotions, feeling them wash over me as I leaned down to meet her waiting lips.

* * *

I turned the page of my book, focusing on keeping my eyes moving at a semi-human pace. One of the changes that took some getting used to was how fast I could read. My eyes could skim the page and know most of the information in mere seconds. However, that kind of defeated the purpose of actually enjoying a book, which Jasper understood. He taught me how to consciously force my eyes to read at a slower pace. It was getting easier, but I still had to work on it.

The rest of the family was like me, taking a break from the training sessions. We had been doing them almost non-stop it seemed the last couple of days. Although I had not had another incident like before when I lost control, I was still wary of doing too much fighting. I wanted to make sure I didn't lose myself. So I had taken a break and the rest of the family had kind of diverged to different activities.

Esme was in the kitchen cooking. Jacob was coming over later and she wanted to make him something fresh. The Cullens had continued keeping food in the house, for the wolves, although Seth so far had been the only one to make himself at home at the Cullens house. He came in and raided the fridge whenevver he took a break from patrols. Esme loved to fuss over him when given the chance.

Jasper and Carlisle were sitting cross legged on the floor, playing a game of chess. I thought with their vampire brains the game would be over very quickly, but they took the game really seriously and considered every move.

Emmett was watching cat videos on youtube, giggling every few minutes.

Rosalie sat next to me on the couch flipping through channels, trying to find something to watch. She paused on wedding type show. A girl with an extravagant, glittering dress walked out into a room with a bunch of mirrors while the rest of the family watched. I vaguely thought the girl looked pretty in the dress when all of a sudden she told her father how much the dress cost.

"Holy crap. Do people really spend $7,000 on a dress?" I asked incredulously.

"Of course they do. The dress is the most important part of a wedding. It can pull the whole thing together. I remember for one of mine and Emmett's weddings I bought a $20,000 dress," Rosalie spoke casually.

"Multiple wedding?"

"Oh yeah, we get married every couple of years. It's fun. I have spent so much money on gowns."

I gaped at Jasper as if to confirm this shocking fact. He just shrugged his shoulders. I couldn't help it, this horrified me. "Did it ever occur to you to put that money towards something you could use more than once, like a house or something? Or better yet, maybe you could have donated that money."

Rosalie looked at me, seeing I was serious. "Calm down. We already donate our money as often as we can without being suspicious. As for the dresses, I don't keep them. I usually donate them to a local thrift store. I like the thought of some girl who can't afford a really nice dress, lucking out and finding one of my dresses for $40."

I thought about it for a minute. "I guess that seems like a reasonable compromise."

Rosalie made a noise of agreement and then we both turned back to the show. I put my book down, admittedly getting sucked into the show. I was kind of amazed at how many different gowns there were and also the personalities of the different brides. Normally, I was not one to get sucked into reality tv, but I was kind of fascinated by the show.

I was snapped out of the world of wedding dresses when I heard faint rumbling in the distance. Everybody froze for a minute before resuming their activities.

"It's Jacob," Rosalie told me. "I recognize the engine sounds."

My stomach clenched nervously as I thought of seeing my friend. This would be the first time he has seen me since the change. A day before I had come out of my transformation, Jacob had took over for Paul, who had been keeping an eye on the newborns in Seattle. Jacob had only now made it home after he had been switched out with Jared. He had called when he got back to his house and when he found out I was fully transformed, he said he would be over in a few hours to see me. After I had hung up I had asked Jasper if that was safe. Would I crave Jacob's blood? Jasper assumed I would find the smell of Jacob unappealing, like the rest of the family. However, there were precautions that could be taken.

I stood up and walked to the entryway. The rest of the family joined me, although Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle put a hand on me, gentle but firm. The first sign that I was going to lose control, they would stop me from doing anything to Jacob, which was slightly reassuring. I was still nervous. What if Jacob did not accept or like the new me?

I felt detached from my old life. That was sometimes a good thing, because I could separate myself from the pain and heartbreak of my human life. I also knew that my mom and Phil were happy and would build a new life for themselves. I was worried about Charlie though. I had called to reassure him that I was fine. Luckily he didn't notice or question the change in my voice. He accepted the college stories I fabricated easily. He seemed pleased with how happy I sounded, but I couldn't help but feel like he might be lonely without me.

Jacob didn't bother knocking, stepping into the house without hesitation. I froze and everybody around me tensed, ready to protect Jacob if something went wrong. I stopped breathing which Jasper noticed first.

"Take a deep breath Bella. It's the only way we know for sure if you are going to be drawn to his blood or not," Jasper advised.

I nodded, bracing myself. I inhaled fully, taking in all the smells from the room. The prominent smell though was not alluring. The best way I could describe it was wet dog. I knew that must be Jacob. Now I could see why all of the Cullens cringed at the odor of the wolves. I wrinkled my nose in distaste.

"No offense Jacob, but you smell awful."

Everybody around me relaxed, realizing I was not going to be attacking Jacob.

Jacob grinned and ran forward to hug me tightly, for a human. "You don't smell like a bunch or roses yourself, Bells."

Just like that I knew I had my best friend still, even if we were now technically sworn enemies. Jacob stepped out of our embrace and fully examined me from head to toes. He whistled under his breath. "Well, if you weren't beautiful before you are just stunning now."

"Don't let Elise hear you talking like that," I teased, still not used to being considered beautiful.

"Just because I'm with her, does not mean I can't appreciate how lovely you look," Jacob replied lightly.

I looked around me and noticed that my family was looking at us, grinning happily. Jacob had that effect, even on the Cullens. He had such a lighthearted nature, it was hard not to be happy around him.

"Are you hungry, Jacob?" Esme asked. "I just cooked up a casserole."

Jacob's face lit up. "That sounds great. I've missed your cooking while I've been in Seattle."

Esme beamed. "Come on in the kitchen and I'll fix you up a plate."

Jacob and I sat down in the kitchen, as Esme quickly served up a generous portion of food for Jacob. I knew logically that the food looked appetizing, and I remembered how much I had loved Esme's cooking. But the food no longer appealed to me in any way. But, that didn't stop Jacob from just diving into the food, letting out appreciative sounds that pleased Esme.

Jasper joined us at the table and soon the rest of the family gravitated into the kitchen as well.

"So, do you have any news from Seattle?" Jasper queried.

That seemed to be what the rest of the family was interested in as well.

Jacob chewed and swallowed before answering. "She is up to about 14 or 15 vampires. I figure she probably isn't going to wait much longer. She seems to be training them as best as she can, but because of the numbers, the group is becoming unwieldy. She losing control over all of them. If she adds anymore, the group is going to become too chaotic."

Jasper nodded in agreement. "She probably figures that she has about two or three vampires for each one of us. She probably assumes that is good odds for her."

"But she doesn't know about us," Jacob mumbled through a mouthful of food.

"Exactly," Carlisle agreed. "We will have the element of surprise. We just need to figure out how we are going to meet their forces."

"Do you think we could lead them to that clearing that we trained in yesterday?" Emmett asked.

"But, how?" Rosalie wondered out loud.

Everybody looked at Jasper, as he was our resident newborn expert. Jasper sat quietly for a minute. "They are coming to fight us, so really all we need to do is create some paths with our scent to lead them to that clearing. They will follow the scent once they find it."

"Seems simple enough," Emmett commented.

"That part will be easy. We will need the wolves to come in from the opposite direction we are leading the newborns in by. If the newborns smell the wolves, well they might be curious or they might go off in the opposite direction."

"No problem, just tell us where we need to be and we will be there," Jacob spoke around a mouthful of food.

"We should meet up before the vampires leave Seattle. I want to give the wolves a few pointers on how to fight newborns, they are different than just regular vampires. I think it will be good for us to get a lay of the land so to speak."

"I'll relay the message to Sam."

"Thanks, Jake," Jasper replied.

The room fell into silence, well except for the sounds of Jacob shoveling food into his mouth. I wrinkled my nose in distaste at Jake's show of appreciating Esme's cooking. Esme didn't seem to mind though. She was happy to have another "child" to dote on. The rest of the family though casually departed from the room, not really finding it fascinating to watch Jacob eat.

Jasper glanced at me from across the table, silently asking me if he wanted me to stay or go. I gave him a reassuring smile, so he got up to go back to his chess game with Carlisle.

"Jake, do you want to go for a walk?" I asked as he finished his food.

"Sure."

Jacob took his dishes to the sink, rinsing them off before joining me outside the back of the Cullen's house. I tried to mentally correct myself every time I thought this, knowing now it was my home. It was a hard habit to break though.

We walked in silence for a few minutes, until we were a safe distance from the house. Even vampire hearing couldn't pick up on our conversation.

"So, how are you doing Bells?" Jacob asked, studying me out of the corner of his eyes.

I thought about his question, knowing it would be one of the first ones he asked. I thought about everything that happened and all of the emotions that ran through my body, before giving him a completely honest answer. "I'm happier than I have ever remembered being."

Jacob smiled at my response. "You look it. It's a relief seeing you so much like yourself. I knew it was your choice to become a vampire, and I knew you wouldn't be some sort of monster. Still, there was this part of me that was nervous. I didn't want you to lose yourself."

I remembered vaguely that those had been my concern as well. "I think the rest of the family has been surprised by how smooth my transition has gone. I've had very few control issues and my moods have been very level for a newborn."

"And how are you and Jasper doing, now that you have changed?" Jacob asked slyly.

I laughed, "Who knew that Jacob Black was a gossip."

"I am not a gossip," Jacob bristled. "I just happen to be curious about how my best friend and her…wait what is he? Your boyfriend? Your mate? Your gentleman caller?"

"Yes Jacob, Jasper is my gentleman caller," I answered sarcastically.

"Well, I want to know how my friend and her gentleman caller are doing," Jacob spoke with a straight face.

Joking aside, I thought about what he was really asking. Did I still feel the same way that I had before now that I was changed? "It's weird, but all of the past stuff with Edward has faded with a lot of my human memories. I know logically I was hurt by him, but the pain is gone. I have all this room in me to finally love Jasper, the way he deserves. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I think I know what you are talking about."

"I feel bad though, because while I get to move past my pain, Jasper will always remember Alice vividly. His memories won't fade and neither will his pain. It makes me unsure of us. I want to move forward, but I don't know if he does."

"What do you mean by move forward?"

I knew if I was capable of blushing I would be doing so right now. "I just…well I want my new life to begin and I know that means being with Jasper, in every way possible."

"Do you mean you haven't…" Jacob trailed off.

"No," I groaned, embarrassed. "That at least I do know Jasper wants to do, but Emmett keeps jumping in, teasing us about how we need to be married before we do _that_."

Jacob laughed at the thought.

"It's not funny, it is a fucking horrible joke."

"No," Jacob chuckled. "It's just such a simple solution. Why don't you get married?"

I sputtered, in a very un-vampire like fashion. My brain froze for a second, and then started to work in over drive thinking about what he had just said.

"We couldn't. I mean we have only been dating a week or two technically."

"Well, you spend all your time together and these last couple months have to count for something. Plus, you don't sleep anymore so really that dating time is at least double what a normal human couple would have. All that matters is that you both want to spend the rest of your lives with each other. If the feelings are there, they are there."

"I don't know if he feels that way" I argued.

"Ha, but you do feel that way about him," Jacob called out triumphantly.

I paused, analyzing my own feelings. Yes, I did love Jasper and I didn't foresee that changing anytime soon. "But we are young."

"Well, technically he is old and you aren't going to age any further, so why the hell not?"

"What if we don't belong together?"

"Then you will get a divorce."

"I don't want to get a divorce."

"I didn't say you would, I am just saying that is the worst that can happen. Anyways can vampires get legally married? I mean if you can't then really you wouldn't have to get legally divorced so it is probably a moot point anyways."

"Ugh, you have me all confused," I complained.

Jacob stopped walking and pulled me to a stop with him. His face was soft, but serious. "Bella, you can come up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't push to move forward with Jasper. Even though the memory of Edward has faded, I bet money on the fact that you are still afraid to let Jasper get close to you in case he runs away. But, you can't live life in fear. You will only regret the time you wasted. If Jasper dies fighting the newborn army, will you have any regrets?"

The question hung heavy in the air. There was no denying the answer to that. "Yes."

Jacob held my gaze steady. "I love you too much to see what happened to you before happen again. Japser's grief is different than yours. He doesn't have any regrets, besides maybe going to Italy. He loved Alice unconditionally and told her how much he cared. She died knowing she was loved. Edward died not knowing you still cared and you didn't know how much he loved you. I don't want that for you."

"But, what if he doesn't have that strong of feelings for me?" I whispered.

Jacob smiled. "Even if I could believe that was ever possible, it doesn't change the fact that he deserves to know and so do you. You have a chance to start a new life and I don't want it to begin with a mistake."

I didn't want that either.


	18. I Take Your Hand

_Well I take your hand inside my hand_   
_And hold it tight tonight_   
_We made mistakes and we've known troubles_   
_But we'll leave them all behind_

-I Take Your Hand by Mumford & Sons

**Chapter Eighteen**

I had to admit Bella was making me nervous. After she had come back from her walk with Jacob she had been unusually quiet. Jacob left without saying a word to me about it. I asked Bella if Jacob had said something to upset her, but she dismissed my concerns saying nothing was wrong. I tried to dissect her emotions, but they were all jumbled up and snarled. I couldn't discern any pattern and the best way I could describe them was as a bundle of nerves.

Bella dithered around the house for about an hour, doing various nonsensical tasks before I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and relax for a while. I thought maybe she was just overstimulated again and could use some time to relax and be by herself. She surprised me though when she asked me if I would join her. The point was for her to be alone, but I couldn't argue.

I closed the door to her bedroom and went over to her bed to lounge on it. I expected Bella to join me, but instead she nervously paced the room, glancing at me every few seconds.

"What is the matter?" I asked, confused.

She glanced at me and shook her head. "Nothing is wrong."

"You are worrying me with all of this nervous energy you have pent up," I accused.

Bella looked at me seriously as she leaned down in front of where I was sitting on her bed. There was a desperation in her eyes that I hadn't seen for many months, it made my stomach clench.

She took some steadying breaths before speaking. "I love you so much and sometimes that worries me. You are always on my mind; it's like there is a part of my brain that has the Jasper track constantly on loop. I think about how nice your body feels pressed against mine. I dissect every word you say, looking for the hints of your southern accent that will slip through occasionally. I wonder what you are feeling and how much you are hiding from me."

"I don't hide anything from you," I quickly spat out.

"You do though," Bella affirmed. "And it's okay, I understand. I am doing better than could ever have been expected. Not only have I taken naturally to being a vampire, but my sadness and grief faded away with some of my human memories. You don't want to remind me of what I have so easily left behind."

She paused for a second, obviously given me the chance to argue with her if I wanted, but I knew I couldn't. She was right.

"I have been lucky, I have been given a second chance at life, well so to speak. But, I know it isn't that simple for you. I imagine that the day you found out about Alice's death is still fresh in your mind, no way of escaping that grief. You will never be able to ignore it or forget it."

"You're right," I agreed reluctantly. "But, I can try to move forward and find happiness where I can. I am happy with you. You are like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Your happiness is contagious and just by being around you I feel better than I have since Alice's death."

Bella's lightened considerably when I said that. "Good, I'm glad. But, that doesn't mean we can't talk about what happened or about Alice and Edward."

"You are doing so well though, you get to forget and I don't want to take that away."

"You aren't. I don't want to forget. I am happy that the intensity of the grief has greatly diminished, but to let it all go? I don't want that. Would you want to just forget Alice?"

"Of course not," I said without hesitation.

"I don't want to forget Edward and more importantly I don't want to forget about Alice. We can still talk about them and still move forward at the same time. I want that."

"Then who am I to deny you what you want."

"There's more," her voice nervous again. "I love you and I know that we said we were going to take things slow because we didn't know how much of our love was romantic. I'm not unsure any longer. I love you and I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life…" Bella laughed, "or forever I guess. I don't want to regret not saying any of this to you, and Jacob pointed out that if I didn't say anything and something bad were to happen, I would always regret it. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to live without fear or regrets. That's why I want to marry you."

Whoa, that was quite the leap. "You want to marry me?" I gasped out.

Bella looked even more anxious. "I love you and only you. I know that now and I don't want to regret anything, so why the hell not?" Bella paused and then studied me for a second. "Unless of course you don't want to in which case I will leave you alone and never bring this up again. It's just, I know that you are still working through things. I get that, and I want to be there for you for all of that, in every way possible. There is always that possibility that we may have only this little bit of time left, and if that turns out to be true, I don't want to look back wishing I hadn't wasted it."

My thoughts were racing, even for a vampire, but I kept my eyes on Bella. I wondered if this was some misplaced fatalism, but her emotions didn't seem to send that message to me. She was now calmer, having gotten that all out and seemed at peace with her decision.

That left me, what did I want? I thought about Bella's words. She was right, we were supposed to go slow and while her memories had faded, mine had not. I still remembered Alice so clearly and the pain of finding out that she had died. That would never disappear.

Billy Black popped into my head, of all people, and I remembered his advice. Maybe Bella and I were going about all of this in a backwards fashion, but maybe that was what was right for us. Who got the right to dictate how we found peace after that tragedy.

Bella. Her standing in front of me and her grief free psyche did give me peace. She calmed me and centered me when nobody else could. Every thought of my future had her in it. There was only one answer to her question.

"Even though I wish I had been the one to ask the question, I would love to marry you Bella."

The grin that spread across her face and the pure happiness that emanated from her was enough to vanquish any lingering doubts in my head. Alice would want us both to be this happy and I was going to cherish every moment with Bella.

Our happiness was broken though by the noise downstairs.

"That's lovely, isn't it Carlisle?" Esme exclaimed.

"Yeeehawww," Emmett yelled.

"Oh, I can't wait to go dress shopping," Rosalie shrieked, clapping her hands excitedly.

Bella and I looked at each other smiling. As much as both of us would have liked to celebrate in a small private bubble that only had room for the two of us, we knew our family was waiting downstairs to celebrate with us. And, really there were worse things in the world than having people there who wanted to be with Bella and I as we took this next step together. So we went downstairs to join the rest of the family.

And it started out fine with each member congratulating us. That was until wedding details were discussed at a rapid pace between Esme and Rosalie. They talked about flowers, colors, dress, and music in a way that seemed like a foreign language to me. I noted Bella's panicked expression and quickly dived in.

"I don't think we want to do any big party or anything. Personally, I would rather just do a small ceremony tomorrow and get it over with."

Bella quickly agreed. "That's what I want too. Do you think you could officiate?" She asked, turning to Carlisle.

Carlisle seemed a little taken aback by the question, but quickly his features softened. "Of course, I would be honored."

"But…" Esme tried to cut in.

This time Bella asserted herself. "All I care about is my family being there to witness the whole thing. I don't want to wait any longer for us to move forward. I just want to be happy."

I knew if Esme could, she would have started to cry. "Of course, dear. You are right. It should just be us family." She frowned for a second though at her words.

Carlisle must have picked up on this and figured out why. He hesitantly asked, "What about your father?"

Bella's emotions jolted at the thought of Charlie. "Oh, I wish he could be here, but my control…"

"Is better than any newborns I have ever seen before," I finished for her. "You might be able to handle it"

"You could test yourself. You and Jasper could go over there tonight, under the auspices of visiting, and if you can handle it, maybe you invite him over tomorrow," Carlisle suggested.

Bella hesitated for a minute, her emotions stormy, torn between seeing her dad but also keeping him safe. "Do you think you could handle me if I were to get out of control?" She asked me seriously.

She was asking me to not only hold her dad's life in my hands, but also hers, for if anything happened to Charlie she would never be able to forgive herself. "I promise I will keep him and you safe."

* * *

Rosalie swiped the mascara brush across my eyelashes once more before capping it. "There, now onto eye shadow," she announced. For being a vampire, she was taking her sweet time with my make up, being very deliberate with each stroke across my face. It gave me time to think of what I was about to do.

Through the open window I could hear the lulling sound of chatter in the backyard. Not only were the Cullens all in attendance but so were most of the wolves. Esme invited them, and I thought it was a nice thought. After all, if they were willing to die for my safety then I couldn't argue that they were family. I was a little nervous at first at how the two groups were going to mingle, but so far all the sounds I had heard were friendly.

Also, somewhere downstairs was Charlie. I remembered last night how nervous I had been that I would kill him once I got near him. Not to mention he had to have questions about my new appearance, questions that I couldn't answer.

" _Am I doing the right thing?" I asked Jasper in the car, waiting until I felt comfortable going in._

" _I don't know," Jasper told me. I knew I should be frustrated that he just didn't reassure me, but really I was relieved that he was so honest with me._

" _But, I think it will be good for both of you. We will see how your control holds up and you will get to share a tiny bit of your new life with him. He will get to see you happy and taken cared of. Eventually we are going to have to come up with a story or you two are going to have to drift apart. If he knows that you are happy, I think it will make that separation easier."_

" _So, I am not being completely selfish, this could be good for him too?"_

" _Yes, this could be beneficial to him too. So, it's really up to you if you want to do this or not."_

 _The car elapsed into silence as I considered every angle and tried to weighs the pros and cons. My brain became too muddled and instead I relied on pure instinct to make the decision for me; I would see him_.

_Although initially Charlie was surprised by my appearance, he said nothing too specific about it. The contacts in my eyes bothered me, but I knew it was all for the sake of appearances. He just told me that college life suited me and that I looked happy. Even more important was that as I took the first hesitant breaths of air as he hugged me, I didn't feel any blood lust slip over me. I felt the thirst, of course, there was no getting around it. But, I didn't feel controlled by it, quite the opposite._

_Jasper sensed this and smiled brightly at me, obviously proud of my self-control._

_As the conversation turned to why we were in town, it became a little awkward. Jasper and I took turns explaining our situation and how we were going to get married the next day. I honestly thought that Charlie would have been at the very least uncomfortable, but maybe even as far as mad at me for doing something so impulsive when I was young. He knew first hand how getting married young could end. Contrary to my expectations though, he was thrilled. He stood up to give Jasper a firm handshake and gave me another tight hug. I must have looked shocked, because he laughed at me._

" _Bella, you have had such a horrible year and have come out the other side happy, how can I be upset with that. I trust you and if this will bring you happiness, I'm not going to stand in my way."_

_I knew from my dad that was as heartfelt of a speech as I was ever going to get and it touched my heart to hear those words._

"What are you thinking about?" Rosalie questioned softly as she applied the tiniest bit of blush to my cheeks.

"I'm just marveling at how lucky I am to have so many people be supportive of me and Jasper. I mean, we are technically rushing into this yet nobody has said anything to make me doubt myself."

Rosalie sighed, and I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. "I'm sorry."

That was the last thing I expected her to say. "For what?"

Rosalie put down the make up so there was nothing between us. "You shouldn't have to feel lucky because people are accepting how you choose to live your life. I think back to how Edward made that decision for both of you and how I supported him; I just feel sick."

"Oh Rosalie," I murmured, unhappy with her sadness.

"No, Jasper says I'm not guilty, and I know in the end it was Edward's decision and in turn Alice's to go to Italy. But, I will admit, I was wrong in thinking I knew what was best in your life. I should have never been that way, and no one in my family should have listened to Edward when he insisted that we leave. That was unfair to you and I hope you can forgive me for the part I played in this whole mess."

On the tip of my tongue were words insisting she had no blame in the whole ordeal. But, I was not sure that would have helped. We all carried some guilt over the events that transpired, and maybe that was how it was supposed to be. It was too much to expect us all to just distance ourselves from Alice and Edwards choice. It was too easy to see how we did play a part in what had happened, no matter how small. But, we could help ease the guilt from each other as best we could.

"I forgive you Rosalie. As long as you forgive me for jumping off that cliff and setting this all into motion."

Rosalie smiled sweetly, looking so human in that moment. "I forgive you too."

I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pulling her close to me. Rosalie responded by hugging me back tightly.

We were interrupted by a knock on the door. Esme slowly eased the door open and gasped when she saw me. I looked down shyly, wondering if she thought the dress was too simple. Rosalie had to pick the dress out for me as I was not comfortable going shopping around too many humans. Luckily it was summer so there were plenty of simple dresses to pick from, at least that was what Rosalie had told me. She knew me well; she picked out a simple white eyelet lace dress with a navy sash around the waste. I glanced in the mirror to see that even though Rosalie spent forever doing my makeup, it looked simple and understated. My hair was tied in a side ponytail, right behind my ear, where Rosalie had placed a couple of white flowers. My feet were bare.

"You look stunning," Esme exclaimed in a hushed whisper, as if speaking louder would break the mood.

"Thank you."

Esme shook her head. "I just can't believe this is happening so quickly. I just came up here to tell you everybody downstairs is ready."

I took a deep breath, trying to still my shaky nerves. No matter how much I said I wanted this to be casual and that really it wasn't that big of deal; for me it really was. This was me committing to Jasper. But, I didn't feel any doubt, just excitement. I wanted to be with him more than anything else in that very moment.

Esme and Rosalie took me by the arms and led me down the stairs and out the back doors that led to the backyard which had been quickly transformed. There were white lights hanging from all of the trees, illuminating the yard in addition to the dusky light from the sunset. There were a handful of tables set up with mounds of food that I had helped Esme prepare. The guests all stood around in casual attire. I saw most of the members of the pack, all of them smiling at me as I moved across the grass by myself. I paused where Charlie was standing next to Billy Black's chair. I gave Charlie a quick hug, noticing the sheen of tears in his eyes. I continued forward and was stopped by Jacob's strong arms. He hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear that he loved me. I returned his smile and focused my vision to where Jasper and Carlisle were standing.

Jasper wore simple khaki pants and a navy button up shirt; we were matching. His curls fell into his eyes, and as I reached him finally, I raised my hand up to brush them out of his face. His smile brightened as he took my hands in his. He looked like he was glowing, emanating joy. I felt my emotions mingle with his as he let his power connect us together.

"We are all here to witness Jasper and Bella's expressing their love to each other. This last year these two have endured unimaginable loss and come out the other end. While many others would have given up, these two found strength in each other and found the will to move forward with their life. But, even more incredible is the love they found in each other. While some may say that they have moved too quickly or that it is inappropriate, I can't help but personally admire them. Their love is something not of fairytales and fantasy, but of real life. They know and respect each other, and have found ways to grow while still being true to each other."

"I'd like to read a brief verse that I believe sums up their relationship. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, proud, or rude. Love is not selfish, not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not rejoice in wrong, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always believes, always hopes, always endures. Love never fails."

"Now Bella and Jasper would like to recite their vows to each other."

Rather than write something, both Jasper and I went online to find vows that fit us. We didn't want the standard vows, because there was nothing traditional about our relationship. But we also didn't want to write anything, figuring we have already expressed our love to each other the best we could. So we went to a website and found something we liked.

I took the larger silver ring from Carlisle's outstretched hand and slid it on Jasper's long ring finger. "I love you. You are my best friend. Today I give myself to you in marriage. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in the highest regard. These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life."

Jasper's tone was low, but rough with emotion as he slid my wedding band on my finger. "I love you. You are my best friend. Today I give myself to you in marriage. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in the highest regard. These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life."

"Then in front of God and all of these witnesses I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

Jasper leaned down, bending me backwards, kissing me passionately. When we pulled apart, even though I didn't need the air, I felt breathless and lightheaded. I grinned as Jasper pulled me back up and we turned to face our friends and family who were cheering, or in Jacob's case catcalling.

And just like that the wedding turned into a party. Numerous people came up to be the first to offer their congratulations. A couple hungry wolves descended on the food. Emmett went over to the stereo to turn on the music. Jasper and I mingled for a while, our hands never leaving the other's. I was surprised at how friendly some of the pack members were. Paul was even there and he gave us his well wishes before going off to continue a heated debate he and Rosalie were having about cars.

Unexpectedly Jasper coaxed me into a couple of dances with him, and even more unsurprising was my willingness to comply. Even though I was now more graceful as a vampire, apparently that didn't extend to dancing. I stumbled a couple of times, but Jasper just laughed and held me tighter. I smiled into his neck after he twirled me, letting the beautiful chords of the music Emmett had picked out surround me. I felt complete in that moment.

* * *

Charlie was the final guest to leave and I was pleased to note how contented Charlie felt. He was truly at peace with mine and Bella's decision, which I knew made Bella happy. Bella gave him another hug and I couldn't help but be proud at her ability to be so close to her father without slipping. She truly was remarkable in every way.

I stepped back into the kitchen to give them a moment of privacy to say their goodbyes. I glanced around the kitchen to see the rest of the family finishing up the cleaning.

"Is there anything I can help with?" I asked.

"Nope," Esme replied. "It's all almost done anyways. Then we will give you guys your wedding present."

"You didn't have to get us anything," Bella said as she walked in. I heard Charlie's car start up and start down the driveway.

"We didn't spend more than a dollar on it," Carlisle chimed in as he presented us with a slightly over-sized envelope.

Bella took it, her eyes skeptical. She turned to see that the whole family had gathered around us to see us open the present. I motioned for her to go ahead. She examined the envelope for a second before carefully tearing the side open. She shook it sideways and out dropped a postcard into her hand. We both stared down at a picture of Mt. Rainier. We then looked back up at Carlisle, both confused.

"We are giving you the next 24 hours alone in the house. We are all going to the mountains to do some hunting tonight and tomorrow. We will back tomorrow night. I'm sorry we couldn't do more for your, but we do need to be here in case Victoria heads this way."

"No, this is great," I cut in. "Thank you, all of you."

"Yes, thank you," Bella agreed.

"We are all finished here. We all just need to change into some more appropriate attire in case we are spotted and we will be out of your way," Esme said.

Each of them ran up stairs to do as she said and I turned to look at Bella, who was avoiding my eyes. She knew what them leaving meant. We no longer had any reason to not take our relationship to that final level. She was now a vampire. We were married, no moral qualms in any way shape or form. And the family would be gone, meaning we could have that much desired privacy. I didn't feel dread from her, which relieved me. I really wanted to do this with her, but if she wasn't ready I would wait. She seemed ready, just nervous. I was about to ask her when the family started back down the stairs.

"We'll have our cells on at all times so call us if there is any news," Carlisle instructed before clasping first me then Bella in a hug. "I'm so happy for both of you. I love you both."

Rosalie and Esme also gave us hugs, congratulating us. Emmett gave Bella his patented bear hug, twirling her around. He gave me a hug and patted my back roughly. "Don't enjoy yourself too much tonight."

"Emmett," Rosalie warned him.

Emmett just grinned. "And please be dressed well before we arrive back, I really don't want to see any of it."

They all just rolled their eyes as they headed out the front door, Emmett taking up the rear. He paused halfway out the door and turned back to us. "Oh and be careful with the dining room table, it isn't as sturdy as it looks. Rosalie and I have had to replace it twice."

"Emmett!" Rosalie and Esme yelled at the same time.

Emmett just laughed as he closed the door behind him. We stood still, waiting for the sound of Emmett's jeep to finally fade away. When it did I turned my attention back to Bella.

"Bella? You know we don't have to do anything you don't want to. For all I care we can play Scrabble for the next 24 hours," I reassured her, rubbing my hands up and down her arms.

It took her a second, before she finally raised her gaze to meet mine. I was blown away by the intensity of her stare. I felt her love wash over me and I knew she was focusing on that one feeling. She smiled softly before reaching up to trace my jaw.

"Jasper Whitlock-Hale-Cullen, I want to have sex with you tonight, our wedding night."

I beamed as I leaned forward to capture her lips in a slow, unhurried kiss. Because, even though we only had 24 hours, in that moment it felt like we had all the time in the world. As the kiss slowly picked up in speed and intensity, I leaned forward to scoop Bella up in my arms to carry her up to her, now our bedroom. I deposited her on the bed and took a moment to study her. She always looked beautiful, but the loving smile and the way she was confidently staring back at me made me feel warm all over. I lowered the control over my power as I descended upon her, letting her feel everything I was feeling in that moment. Happiness, love, lust, passion, and peace. I felt whole again.


	19. All We Are

_We won't say our goodbye's, you know it's better that way,_   
_We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change_   
_All we are, all we are is everything that's right_   
_All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi_

-All We Are by OneRepublic

**Chapter Nineteen**

I stood in the clearing, my hand entwined with my wife's, waiting for the inevitable sound of a small vampire army's approach. The rest of my family stood by our side, standing bravely with us. The wolves were hidden in the woods behind us to make sure that they were not seen before the newborns were in the clearing. This would allow them to circle around all of us and make sure none escaped.

It had been a week since our wedding, a glorious week of happiness. When our training session had been interrupted by Jacob announcing the newborns departure from Seattle, I was torn. Part of me dreaded the idea of the battle where I had the chance of losing someone close to me, whether that was a friend, family member, or heaven forbid my wife. But, there was also a chunk of me that just wanted to get the fight over with. There was no way of avoiding a confrontation, so there was also a part of me that wanted it finished, for better or worse, but hopefully for the better.

The idea of Bella and I together for numerous lifetimes was alluring. We could travel, build a house, go to school, follow our dreams. There were no limits on what we could do and I wanted so badly for us to come out of the battle unscathed. The prospect of losing Bella was horrifying. Losing Alice had been difficult, but if I lost Bella as well, I wasn't so sure I would be able to recover again.

Eventually, the sound of the newborns running reached my ears. Good, they caught one of the many trails we had laid out. I glanced around me, letting my gaze linger on each one of my family members, wondering if this was the last time I would them alive. They were doing the same. But, none of us said anything. Even as I looked into Bella's eyes there were no words. We knew the love we felt for each other and there was nothing else to be said beyond that.

Victoria led her band of vampires into the clearing. She held up her hand to stop them at a safe distance from us. She smirked, probably feeling confident seeing our dwindling numbers. There were six of us, compared to her thirteen vampire army.

Carlisle stepped forward. "It is not too late to turn back. We don't want any unnecessary bloodshed. If you stand down now we won't hurt you. We don't want to fight."

"Not so confident without your psychic and mind reader?" Victoria sneered.

"Please, we have already suffered enough loss. No good will come out of any of this. This isn't going to bring James back," Carlisle reasoned.

This only seemed to infuriate Victoria. "Don't you dare speak his name; you have no right."

And with that she lunged forward towards our family and the rest of her followers raced toward us. The battle had begun.

I went for Victoria but a newborn got in my way and I got distracted. I focused on him only, but he was quick and had more training than I expected. He hesitated though as the wolves joined the fray. I took my opportunity to rip his head off and quickly dismembered him.

I looked around me, trying to find Victoria. I glimpsed her flaming hair, and my insides lurched when I saw her sparring with Bella. I pushed towards her but once again another newborn got in my way. I quickly attacked her, but I realized she wasn't fighting back. I pulled back and looked down at her. She appeared young, a teenager when she had been changed. She looked at me, her blood red eyes wide with fear.

"I don't want to fight. I don't want to be here. I just wanted to find my friend," she spoke timidly.

I glanced back to Bella who was holding her own against Victoria. I noticed already the newborns had been thinned out quickly. I wanted to just leave this girl so I could help Bella, but I knew one of the wolves may not be as discerning. I sighed, remembering my own fear when I had been a newborn. How different I might have turned out if somebody had just shown me some compassion.

"Follow me," I instructed her, grabbing her hand to ensure she stayed with me.

I led her to the tree line and told her to sit down and stay hidden for the moment. I reassured her I would come back for her. She nodded meekly.

I returned quickly, spotting Victoria and Bella still battling. I rushed forward, noting that Bella was keeping up with Victoria well. Actually she was doing better than that. Victoria was letting out frustrated growls but Bella was keeping her cool. I could already tell Victoria was getting sloppy. I was almost within reach when I froze, seeing Bella taking advantage of Victoria lunging straight forward. It was very reminiscent of mine and Bella's small sparring match. And apparently she had been paying attention because she quickly grabbed Victoria and trapped her just like I had. I didn't hesitate before closing the distance and decapitating Victoria myself. Bella efficiently tore the rest of her limbs from her torso.

I turned my attention back to my surrounding and was relieved to see no more newborns standing. An immense feeling of relief washed over me and I don't know exactly whose feeling it was because at that moment everybody was realizing at the same moment that not only were we victorious but we were unscathed. We all just stood there, unsure exactly what to do next.

I realized quickly that I had to get the newborn that I had stashed away in the trees. As I was retrieving her, Carlisle started to tell the wolves that they should go.

"You all have sacrificed a lot of your time and energy to help protect our family. I am eternally grateful to all of you for this. Go home and rest. We will clean up," Carlisle spoke to all of the wolves.

They seemed to agree because they started to disappear from the clearing, the same way they had come. Sam paused though in front of Carlisle and knelt forward a small bit and lowered his head. Carlisle understood the sign of respect and nodded back.

I reached the girl, who crouched on the ground, frightened. I leaned down and looked her in the eye. "What's your name?" I asked, as kindly as possible.

"Bree."

"Bree, we aren't going to hurt you," I assured her, holding my hand out for her to take.

She studied my hand for a moment. She must have decided I was worth trusting because she took it. I held onto it as I pulled her up and led her back to my family.

The rest of the family looked at the two of us curiously. "This is Bree. She told me she didn't want to fight," I explained.

Everybody came in closer, but Bree instantly froze, feeling threatened. Esme continued forward though, obviously her maternal instincts kicking in.

"Bree, that's a pretty name. My name is Esme. I don't want to harm you in any way, I just want to talk. Is that okay with you?" Esme's voice was gentle and had a calming affect.

Bree nodded.

"Do you want to come back with me to our house and we can talk?"

"Only you?" Bree asked hesitantly, eyeing how outnumbered she was.

Esme glanced at the family. "Will you guys be okay to finish up here?"

"Esme, I don't know…" Rosalie shook her head.

"We will be fine. You two go ahead. We will be along in a while," I cut in.

Bree dropped my own hand and took Esme's outstretched one, following her out of the clearing. It wasn't until I was sure they were out of hearing distance that I spoke up again. "Bree is harmless. She doesn't have any fight in her, just sorrow. She said something about looking for a friend," I relayed to the family.

"Not to mention I trust Esme. She can handle herself," Carlisle added.

"If you say so," Rosalie said.

"We should get to work," Carlisle changed the subject. "I'll start the fire and you guys start grabbing any pieces you find."

We all set out to start looking for pieces, although first I caught up with Bella and took a moment to give her a hug. I breathed in her scent, thrilled at the prospect that there was no limit to how many times I would get to do that. She and I had our whole futures ahead of us. After kissing her soundly I pulled back and took her hand and followed her.

"You know this would go more quickly if we were doing this separately," Bella teased.

"What's the hurry? We have all the time in the world."

We continued our search for newborn pieces, adding them to the fire as we found them. It was quiet at first but Emmett broke the peaceful atmosphere.

"So the first one I fought was huge, I mean ginormous, and that's saying something from me. He wasn't that bright though. He just kept trying to slam into me. Then the gray wolf, I have no idea who that is, came forward and just BAM bit off his head. It was awesome!"

I laughed at Emmett's excitement as he continued a play by play recount of the battle through his eyes. We each chimed in occasionally with our own stories and overall the mood was light in the clearing as we scoured the ground for any stray bits of vampire.

The mood was broken, though, when we all heard a rustle at the same time. There was the distinct sound of a handful, three maybe four, vampires running towards us.

* * *

Instinctively and like lightening each of us ran towards the center of the clearing, regrouping to display a united front. From the looks on everybody's face, I wasn't the only one that was confused. I met Jasper's eyes and he just shrugged. My guess was that it was a few stragglers from Victoria's group. But why then were they so far behind?

They weren't members of Victoria's army I concluded as four figures emerged into the field covered in dark cloaks. They came to a stop and dramatically threw their hoods back to reveal their faces. Every part of me froze and for the first time as a vampire I felt cold. Even though the memory was murky, I recognized one of the vampires immediately. Edward. It seemed he recognized me too.

"Bella!" Edward gasped. He looked like was going to lunge forward but he paused.

I dragged my eyes away from Edward to finally look at his companions. There was a large muscular man, along with an average looking man. But, it seemed the petite blond, who reminded me of a child, held the power. She held up a hand, stopping Edward.

"Well, isn't this interesting. I am assuming this is Bella, the human that was supposed to have died." The blond leveled her gaze at me, appraising me fully. I felt naked for some reason as she studied me.

"Yes." I tried to sound confident, but in all honesty I was floundering at that moment. The fact that the rest of the family had kept quiet so far, made me think these were people to be respected. That meant the Volturi.

"Edward, is Alice…" Carlisle trailed off.

Edward shook his head sadly. A hope I didn't even notice spawn withered away within me. If Edward was alive wouldn't that mean Alice was too? I didn't understand. The grief that had been buried away rose and I imagined it was akin to losing Alice all over again.

"Jane," Carlisle spoke evenly, not betraying what had to be tumultuous emotions at seeing his son alive again. "Aro is well aware that Bella survived and we had made a bargain that Bella was not to be harmed as long as she was turned to a vampire within a year. We are obviously well within that time frame. I hope you will relay to Aro that she has been successfully turned."

"I will." Jane examined the clearing and our family silently for a moment before speaking again. "This is all very fascinating, but alas our reason for being here seems to be taken care of. We were here to handle the growing population of newborns. We were surprised when we landed to find that they left the city. We followed them here and it seems we just missed out on the fight. It is odd that they came after your family," Jane noted, obviously fishing for information.

"Not really. The leader, Victoria, was after Bella because our family is responsible for the death of her mate. She was seeking retribution," Carlisle explained.

Jane nodded as if this made sense. "How unfortunate, but it seems you handled yourself well, remarkably coming out of this without a scratch."

"We were lucky," Carlisle ceded, not hinting at the help we had.

"It seems," Jane muttered contemplatively. I couldn't quite tell if she was suspicious or not, but after a minute of sizing us up, she shook her head and must have decided we were either innocent or there was nothing she could do about it. "Then like I said, it seems our services have been rendered useless. We will leave and I will happily convey to Aro Bella's transformation."

"Thank you," Carlisle responded.

Jane and her two male companions turned to leave, but Edward stood where he was, his eyes not leaving mine. His gaze made me uncomfortable.

"Jane, as you can imagine I would like to catch up with my family." Edward said in a neutral tone.

"Of course. I will tell Aro that you have decided to prolong your stay here with your," Jane hesitated for a fraction of second, "family."

Edward thanked her before she and the two men left, leaving us in the clearing alone. For a brief moment, I actually wished they would stay as a buffer. I knew I was supposed to be ecstatic at Edward's return but I was having a hard time mustering up the enthusiasm. I was happy he was alive, there was no doubt about that. But, that was about all I was sure of. I had so many questions.

Edward was the first to make a move; he ran forward and swiftly caught me in a hug, twirling me around. I reacted instinctively hugging him back, but I didn't respond with his same muttered exclamations. He kept murmuring my name and how he couldn't believe I was alive. Once he stopped spinning he put me down but did not let me go.

I caught a slight movement out of the corner of my eye and I turned my head to see more clearly. Jasper was staring me straight in the eye, willing me to understand something. I didn't know what it was. Then he turned his gaze down and I saw his hands. He was removing his wedding ring. It clicked then. He was trying to tell me he was stepping aside if I wanted. All he had ever wanted was my happiness and if that meant me being with Edward, I knew Jasper would support me.

If I had ever contemplated the idea of having to choose between Jasper and Edward I would have imagined it would be difficult. I probably would have pictured lists and weighing my emotions carefully. But in that moment it was crystal clear and there was no question in my mind or heart. I shook my head to Jasper, who's face brightened. He slid the ring back on his finger.

Edward stiffened in my arms before letting me go. He turned towards Jasper and growled. The air became thick with tension as Rosalie and Emmett quickly flanked Jasper. I moved to stand between Edward and Jasper. Carlisle came around to place a calming hand on Edward.

"What is the meaning of this?" Edward spat out.

His anger sparked something in me and I saw the familiar tinges of red in my vision, telling me I was going down a dangerous path. "Edward," I gritted through clenched teeth. "Jasper and I are married."

Hurt and confusion flashed across his features before he landed on rage. "How could you?"

The question hung heavy in the air, because I knew the question wasn't just for me, it was for each of us. However, I could only answer for myself. "You left me that day in the woods. You said it would be like you never existed, which was the biggest lie you told me. And when I found out you died, it was like my life ceased to have meaning. Your family was there for me and Jasper knew better than anybody what I felt because he had lost Alice as well." Edward flinched at her name, but I soldiered on. "We became friends and then something more. We were married just a week ago."

It felt weird summarizing months of growth and transformation into a few sentences, but I didn't know what else to say. I didn't really expect my words to seem reasonable to Edward and in the end I knew that his opinion didn't matter.

"How could you just move on like that?" Edward asked in disbelief.

That was the moment that Rosalie decided to jump in. "Fuck you. You don't get to past judgment on these two. You lost that the moment you booked that flight to Volterra. You have not seen how these two have suffered, how we all have suffered. Who is to deny them this small bit of happiness?"

This did nothing to dissuade Edward though. "I don't care what you think. I care what Bella thinks and I know she couldn't just stop loving me, at least the Bella I knew."

"The Bella you knew has long since disappeared," I cut in. "She died the day you left me in the woods. You decided for me that my life would be better without you in it."

"I was trying to do what was best for you."

"And look where I ended up," I yelled, waving my arms around me. "Victoria still came after me. I still became a vampire, even without your approval. I never needed a caretaker to guide me through life. I didn't then and I don't need it now. Through all of this, the one thing I have learned is that I am strong and can handle life's obstacles. I don't need somebody to take care of me. Instead I want somebody to share my life with and I have found that in this family and my relationship with Jasper."

"What about you?" Edward retorted, his sights shifting to Jasper. "This is how you decide to honor the memory of Alice?"

I heard a string of profanities come out of Rosalie's mouth and Emmett inhaled deeply. But, I turned slightly to see Jasper's reaction. Fury was emanating from him and I had never seen his features looked so cold and feral. He spoke his words in a dangerous whisper. "You have the audacity to accuse me of betraying her when it is because of you she is dead? I don't know what happened in Volterra, but I know that she left to save your life and yet here you stand and she is dead."

Those words seemed to sober Edward. His shoulders shrunk in defeat and I saw pain in his eyes. "I didn't mean for any of that to happen."

Carlisle sighed, stepping forward. "We can all agree nobody meant for anything bad to happen to this family, yet this is the situation we found ourselves in. Edward you are more than welcome back into our home, but you have to honor Bella's choice of being with Jasper. I will not tolerate any fighting in this family," Carlisle sternly warned all of us.

We all nodded, except for Edward who examined Jasper and I for a minute. I wondered if Edward was reading Jasper's thoughts. I felt a sense of protectiveness of Jasper and something around me tingled. Before I could give it anymore attention, Edward nodded his head in acquiescence of Carlisle's demand.

"Good. Let's get back to the house. Esme will be thrilled to see you unharmed," Carlisle told Edward as he put an arm around his shoulders, leading him back to the house. Edward gave us a lingering glance over his shoulder before turning forward. Rosalie and Emmett gave Jasper and I brief hugs before heading home as well.

I didn't move from my spot, still in a daze at all of the new information that had just been thrown at me. Jasper moved closer, putting his arms loosely around me so he could still see my face. I responded by putting my arms around his shoulders, wanting to be close to him.

"Are you sure about this? Not that I'm complaining about your decision, but I would understand if you wanted to to be with Edward."

I considered his words briefly, before raising my gaze to meet his eyes. "It's funny, but if I had ever considered that this situation would arise, I would have guessed that I would pick Edward, or at least have a more difficult time of choosing. But, when I saw you sliding your ring off your finger, I can't describe how sad that thought made me, that we would be over. More importantly though, I saw how you were willing to put my happiness first, but you didn't make the decision for me. The choice was still in my hands. You are what I want in my life and nothing can change that."

"Thank you," Jasper whispered.

He briefly kissed me before placing his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes, inhaling his scent deeply, letting his presence calm my stormy emotions.

My thoughts drifted to Alice. I considered for a moment, what Jasper would have done if it had been Alice that had been alive. I was relatively certain that Jasper would pick Alice, but that thought didn't sadden me. I knew that the love that those two shared could never be replaced and I could have been at peace knowing that Jasper had Alice back. I squashed those thoughts quickly though, knowing it was useless to even to go down that road. I thought of more important consideration.

"Are you okay? I mean with Edward being alive but Alice still being dead"

His eyes were warm as they opened at my words. "Surprisingly yes. There is no changing what is done and I'm happy that Edward is alive. I may not be okay with the part he played in Alice's death, but I've long since come to accept that it was Alice's own decision to go to him that day. In the end, Edward is family. It may take some time, well a lot of time, but we will get past this."

"You think so?" I asked hopefully.

"Yeah. It is going to be awkward, no getting around that, but our family can survive anything, including this."

I couldn't stop the smile that blossomed on my face. "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

Jasper pretended to ponder my words. "I'm not sure."

"Well, I do. I love you so much."

"I love you too," Jasper murmured. He kissed me lazily for a minute or two, before pulling back. "Now that Victoria is taken care, our future is much more open. Now what?"

I grinned. "Anything we want."


	20. Brand New Colony

_I want to take you far_   
_From the cynics in this town_   
_And kiss you on the mouth_   
_We'll cut our bodies free_   
_From the tethers of this scene_   
_Start a brand new colony_

-Brand New Colony by The Postal Service

**Chapter Twenty**

I knocked on the door, unsure of what I was doing here. I knew I couldn't stay in the house any longer so I had left. But, once I got into the woods, it seemed so empty and quiet. That wasn't what I wanted either. So, I ended up here, at Jacob Black's house.

"Hey there Jasper," Jacob greeted me happily. "Come on in."

I stepped into the house. Billy glanced at me from the kitchen, nodded his head and rolled out the back door, probably to give Jacob and me privacy.

Jacob stepped into the front room and threw himself down on the couch. I took a seat on the floor, curling my legs up to my chest. The scene was reminiscent of my talk with Jacob from weeks ago. This time I wasn't nervous for myself, or for anybody this time. I was just confused and angry.

"Edward is alive."

"What?" Jacob straightened; his mood instantly plummeted at my abrupt announcement.

"Not long after you left two days ago, members of the Vulturi arrived. Edward was with them," I explained dully.

"How is that possible? I thought they had killed him and Alice. What about Alice?"

I cringed and the grief I thought I had come to terms with was pushed forward, taking over. "No, she had died trying to protect Edward. The guilt ate at him and he joined the Volturi temporarily. He finally felt he needed to come clean and he came with the other Volturi members who were supposed to take care of the newborns in Seattle. Needless to say they arrived a little too late."

There was a heavy silence as Jacob took in this information. There was much more to the story, at least in the way that Edward told it. But, I didn't feel like going over every detail with Jacob; it had been bad enough hearing about Edward's every thought and emotion over the last couple of months. I doubted that Jacob really cared what exactly Edward felt on the fifth day of his stay in Volterra.

"How is Bella taking all of this?" Jacob hesitated, looking uncomfortable. "Is she going back to him?"

I shook my head. "She doesn't want anything to do with him. It seems she finally found that anger over what he did to her. But, I couldn't stay in the house any longer so I left for a while; she is giving me space, I think."

I looked down at my wedding ring, still pristine. There were no scratches or blemishes to mar the perfect silver.

"Bella chose me over Edward and I can't help but wonder if that is the right decision. I mean if it had been Alice that had survived..." I trailed off. "Well, I don't know exactly what I would have done."

"But, it wasn't her that survived, and you can play that game all you want but it isn't going to change anything. It was Edward that survived and it is Bella's decision to choose who she wants to be with. Do you doubt her love for you?"

I didn't have to even think about my answer. "No, I know she loves me. But she did love Edward, and I don't want her to stay with me out of some misplaced guilt."

Jacob laughed. "Do you think Bella would stay with you because she felt obligated?"

"I guess not," I admitted. "The situation is still just so fucked up. I mean on a level I am so glad that Edward is alive; he is my brother, after all. But, I feel angry at what he did to all of us, not to mention there is a part of me that blames him for Alice's death. I had finally come to terms with the fact that it was Alice's decision to go to Volterra, and this whole mess makes me rethink all of that. It's harder to say Edward isn't to blame, when he is the one still alive." Just saying that made me feel slightly better.

"That's understandable."

"And, he needs Carlisle and Esme. I know he wants to rejoin the family. But, I don't want to be around him, nor do I want to be with Bella around him. After we defeated Victoria, we were supposed to get a break. This was going to be our chance to start a new life together. Now, though, every time Bella and I are together he is going to be there, ruining everything with his fowl moods and judgment over us."

"You should just have sex with Bella in the next room, loud obnoxious sex. Shove it in his face."

I chuckled. "I considered it."

"But, since you are obviously too mature for that, and the fact Bella would never agree to that, what are you going to do?"

I sighed. That was the crux of the problem. "I don't know. He thinks my actions are somehow dishonoring Alice's memory." Jacob tried to interrupt but I quickly continued. "I know now that is not the case. Bella and I are finally in a good place, on the same page and I don't want to be around somebody who is constantly second guessing us. I feel like Bella and I would be taking a step back in our relationship rather than moving forward."

"Then tell her that. You need to talk to her about this. I bet she feels the same way. Maybe you two can take an extended trip, get away for a while," Jacob suggested.

I had to admit the idea was appealing. "You're right. Ugh, but I really don't want to face Edward."

Jacob smiled, but in a more devious manner. "Don't worry, I will go fetch Bella. You stay here. I have a few choice words I would like to throw Eddy's way."

* * *

The anger that had awoken in me two days ago would not leave. Sometimes it was simmering just under the surface and sometimes it would boil over, making me feel volatile. There had been a lot of talking over the last two days, but I hadn't participated in any of it. Esme, who had been overjoyed at the sight of Edward, and Carlisle were the only ones to talk to him so far. Emmett and Rosalie had taken a short trip up to B.C. with Bree to see if they could find her friend. We hadn't heard from them yet, and I imagined they were taking their sweet time, wanting to avoid the whole mess of awkward that was this household.

I didn't avoid; I just hovered on the edge. While Edward explained everything, in painstaking detail, I sat on the steps, listening but not engaging. Jasper had taken an even more hands off approach. He had initially cloistered himself in our room, but as Edwards story unfolded, I think it hurt him too much and he had retreated to the woods. I knew he needed some time, so I gave him space. Hearing how Alice had died made the grief fresh for Jasper, and he needed to come to terms with her death all over again. I understood because I was doing the same.

The first day Edward had chronicled how the Volturi had initially denied his appeal to die and thus he had decided to take a more active approach to push the Voluturi's hand. Alice had gotten to him in Volterra, pushing him out of the way so that she had been the one exposed in the sunlight. Members of the guard had caught them and instantly started fighting them. Alice and he had tried to fend them off, but Alice had been killed then and there. Edward had put up no more resistance seeing that Alice had died in order to save him. He knew he couldn't die. She sacrificed herself for him and guilt would not allow that deed to go in vain. However, he couldn't face the Cullens so he told Aro to fabricate a lie about how they both had died. He hadn't seen Aro much since that day; obviously Aro had been trying to keep the information that I was alive away from Edward.

When the newborn situation had arisen in Seattle, Edward had started to doubt whether or not he had made the right choice by hiding away from the family. He decided to join Jane, Felix, and Dimitri, the two other men I had seen in the clearing, to Seattle to take care of the newborns. One way or the other he was planning on coming to talk to Cullens. Aro was reluctant to let him go, but obviously could not stop him.

Esme and Carlisle had listened to this story with compassion and understanding. However, when the conversation had steered to the family, more specifically Jasper and I, they had refused to answer. They firmly told Edward that they would not divulge any information about our personal relationship, which was a relief to me. He was also supposed to give us distance. They did tell how the family had coped with the loss of both of them, not sugar coating the grief that had permeated the family. Carlisle also explained the details surrounding my transformation, Victoria's army, and the wolves assistance. Edward didn't seem pleased about my friendship with Jacob, but Carlisle stressed how much Jacob had come to mean to all of them. Edward accepted this information, albeit reluctantly.

My eavesdropping on the stairs was cut short though by the sound of Rosalie's car entering the garage. I went to meet them, curious as to whether they found Bree's friend. Carlisle, Esme, and Edward joined me in the garage. I avoided eye contact with Edward, pretending he didn't exist. It wasn't hard when I saw the expression on Bree as she got out of the car. I didn't have to see Rosalie shake her head to understand they were not successful.

I wrapped my arm around Bree's shoulder, and was happy that she didn't shove it off. I led her into the house, upstairs to my room. Luckily only Emmett and Rosalie followed. I heard quiet talking downstairs, probably Edward sharing even more of his feelings with Esme and Carlisle. Good, I didn't want to be around him.

Without speaking a word, Bree crawled into my bed, pulling the covers over her. I frowned, not needing Jasper's power to know how she was feeling. I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair while Emmett and Rosalie spoke.

"We went to the park where he was supposed to be, Fred's his name, but he wasn't there. We missed him probably by a few hours and we couldn't pick up any traces of him. She had horrible control so she had to stay in the car. It's probably for the best if she isn't around any humans for a while," Rosalie explained.

"On the way there, she told us about her other friend Diego who was probably killed by Victoria right before the battle. These two vampires were the only friends she had," Emmett spoke sadly.

"Bree," I whispered. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will get better. And we can keep looking for Fred and Carlisle and Esme will help you gain control of your blood cravings. You have a place with this family."

We all waited quietly, but there was no response. I knew she had heard us. I didn't want to bother her, knowing she had been through a lot in the last couple days, probably since she had been turned actually. I motioned for Emmett and Rosalie to follow me out of the room. It was best if we just gave her a little bit of space. I let out a frustrated sigh, wondering if that was all I was good for.

We stood in the hallway, a little awkwardly. Downstairs Edward, Carlisle, and Esme were talking and I was in no hurry to go back to my perch at the bottom of the stairs.

"What are we supposed to do?" Emmett whispered.

I didn't know if he was asking about right in this moment or as a family as a whole. Either way, I didn't have an answer.

Rosalie made an angry noise. "This is just ridiculous. He just waltzes back in to this family, and we are expected to rearrange ourselves to meet his needs."

I wanted to agree, but I couldn't. "He needs Esme and Carlisle. One way or the other we are all family."

"You're right," Emmett agreed.

"Even so, where does that leave us?" Rosalie hissed.

I couldn't answer, though. The sound of the door being banged open disrupted the relative quiet in the house. I darted down the stairs, panicked. Jacob stood in the doorway and it took me a minute to catch on to what he was saying because of the long string of profanities he started off with.

"You have the fucking nerve to show up here after everything you put this family through? The moment this family returns to some sense of normalcy and Jasper and Bella find some happiness you decide throw that all out the window."

"Jacob," Carlisle warned.

"No, see the beauty of this situation is I can say what you are all probably thinking. I can say that you all were doing just fine until this pretentious asshat showed up again," Jacob's voice was biting, but I could tell he was enjoying this. "You destroyed Bella when you and your family left. And Charlie and I were left to pick up the pieces. I finally thought Bella was going to make it through the whole situation, when the Italy fiasco happened. And she broke down again. But then she amazed me. She found the strength to not only carry on, but she helped your family, the one you abandoned, to heal. Bella is truly an extraordinary person. But, something else I have learned over the past months, though, is how amazing this whole family is. I quickly learned how kind each member of this family is. I grew to care for each of them and I wouldn't want harm to befall any of them. Yet you decide to show up here and you are hurting them. You are hurting my family by being here."

Jacob let out a breath, obviously feeling better getting that off his chest. I could tell everybody, well except maybe Edward, was impressed by Jacob's words and I had to say I appreciated his effort in protecting us. By the look on his face, I guessed Edward would have like to punched Jacob, but obviously that would have not ended well.

Jacob turned to me. "Jasper's at my house. He came over to visit with me and we got to talking. He wants to talk to you but he doesn't want to see this douchebag." Jacob pointed to Edward, as if there was any question about who he was talking about. "I told him I would come get you."

I looked around at my family and wondered if I should leave them like this. Once, again I felt the anger rise in me. I shouldn't have to question my actions with my own family, that is the point of family. I detested the negative feelings that were bubbling under the surface. I had to get out of this house. I didn't say anything; I turned and left, breaking out into a run in the direction of Jacob's house. I heard Jacob's car start up behind me and knew he was heading back as well.

I let the wind blowing across my face cool my nerves. I felt on edge and wanted to calm down before I saw Jasper. I wasn't angry at him and I didn't want him to misunderstand my emotions. I breathed deep breaths, trying to get a handle over my emotions as the woods thinned around the reservation. I caught sight of Jacob's house and hurried towards it, not wanting to push my luck and encounter too many humans. I didn't bother knocking, entering the house.

I came in to find Jasper sitting on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees. I stepped closer to sit across from him. I leaned forward, putting my hands on his arms, tilting my head to meet his eyes.

"Jasper?" I asked cautiously, not exactly sure what mood he was in.

" _Isabella_ ," he replied quietly, giving me a tentative smile. "I love you."

"I know that," I assured him. "I love you too."

"I want us to go away for a while, get away from this whole mess."

I paused before answering. "But, isn't that running from our problems? This isn't going to fixed if we just go away."

"No it won't," Jasper agreed. "But, we don't need to be fixed, Edward does. We can't help him. He needs to come to terms with how the family has changed without him, that includes our relationship. But, we can't just be shoving it in his face."

"That kind of makes sense."

"And I think you and I deserve to be selfish. We were supposed to be starting our new life together and I want us to have that opportunity. We can travel across the country, maybe we could visit Peter and Charlotte."

I grinned at the prospect. "I would love to meet them."

"I think we need this. Edward is a part of this family, but he needs time to heal. I think Esme and Carlisle can help him."

I nodded. "I will go with you then, on one stipulation."

"And that is?" Jasper raised his eyebrows in expectation.

"I think Rosalie and Emmett should come with us, at least for part of the time. They need this too."

"Emmett will be thrilled, he loves road trips."

And just like that I felt some of the anger dissipate from my body.

* * *

I felt a little nervous sitting across from Carlisle and Esme. I didn't know how they were going to take our news. I shifted a little in my seat at the dining room table, where I had asked to speak to them privately. Bree was still upstairs, not having moved from her spot. Emmett and Rosalie were packing and Bella had asked Edward to take step outside with her; she wanted to talk to him privately before we left.

"Is it anything bad?" Esme asked me, worriedly.

"No not at all," I assured her.

"You can tell us, whatever it is," Carlisle told me calmly.

I went over one last times the words I had rehearsed in my head, before diving in. "Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, and I want to take a trip."

"What kind of trip?" Carlisle asked curiously.

"In all honesty, we need a break from this. This situation is becoming toxic to us and we need to get away. We thought we would do a road trip for a couple months. Bella has never traveled much so we thought it would be fun. We might try to meet up with Peter and Charlotte."

Esme frowned. "We don't want this to tear apart our family."

I knew she would jump to this conclusion. "It isn't going to. Trust me, we are all happy that Edward is alive, but honestly we are all hurt about how this has unraveled. We are all angry and that isn't going to help the situation any. Edward needs you two; you guys can help him. And maybe with some space for all of us, we can come to terms with this better. We aren't leaving the family, far from it. But, all of us confronting Edward isn't going to help. He needs to learn to accept that Bella and I are married, and that isn't going to happen with us flaunting our relationship."

Esme looked like she wanted to argue, but Carlisle patted her hand and spoke up first. "I think that might be a good idea."

"Are you serious?" Esme exclaimed.

"Esme, it will be too much stress to have everybody in the house, especially if they aren't happy. Not to mention we have Bree to handle."

"All the more reason for them to stay," Esme argued.

"Just look at it as Jasper and Bella's honeymoon...with two tag alongs."

I crinkled my brow at the idea, but it seemed to appease Esme a little. "You two have been through a lot. Maybe you should take some time and enjoy your relationship."

Relief flooded me. "That's all we want to do. I promise we will be back before you know it, and we are going to keep in contact."

"When are you going to leave?" Carlisle asked.

"In just a bit actually. Rosalie and Emmett are upstairs packing for all of us and loading things into the jeep. Bella is outside saying goodbye to Edward as we speak."

* * *

Edward and I took a few steps out into the yard, and I marveled at the beauty of this place one last time. I knew it may be a while before we were back here. The setting sun gave the yard an other worldly beauty. We both sparkled from the fading light. I remembered vaguely how once I had been entranced by his beauty, dazzled by him. But, those once familiar emotions were no longer there.

"Edward, I wanted to talk to you a little before we leave."

"You're leaving?" Edward asked, incredulous.

I sighed, wishing he would just make this easy for me. "Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and I are going to take a vacation, so to speak. We are going on a road trip."

Edward nodded, but I could tell he wasn't pleased. His face was strained, and I noticed again how hollow his features looked and felt a wave of sadness for him. I knew technically I was wronged by him, but he had suffered too.

"We want to give you some time with Esme and Carlisle, and honestly we need some time of our own."

"Are you going to come back?" Edward asked, tensely.

"Of course. We aren't leaving this family, and we don't want you too either. But, in order for us to get better you are going to have to accept Jasper and I. We know that isn't going to happen overnight."

"I don't know if I can. I just don't understand why you two are together. Is it because you were both grieving?"

I was a little offended by his assumption, but I knew it wasn't that unreasonable idea. After all, Jasper and I questioned our own motives as well. "I can't say why he fell in love with me, but I can say why I fell in love with him. He was a friend when I needed one. He listened to me and respected me. He let me make my own decisions." I knew my voice was slightly accusing but I didn't really care.

"I never wanted you to become a vampire and I couldn't let you make a mistake in becoming one of us."

"But, I haven't regretted becoming a vampire," I contested.

"Yet," Edward muttered.

I took a deep breath. "Jasper, and the rest of the family for that matter, let that decision be mine nonetheless. Maybe I will regret my choice, but I will at least be happy that it was my choice."

We fell into silence again. This wasn't how I wanted this to go. "Look, I just want to say, I hope you can accept both my transformation and my husband," I bit out. "If you really want what is best for our family, then you will acknowledge my decisions and accept them. Okay?"

Edward turned to actually look at me. "I understand."

I nodded, taking our conversation for over and headed back towards the house to check on how Rosalie was doing in packing my stuff.

"Bella?" Edward called out.

I paused, turning to look at him. "Yes?"

"I really am sorry. This isn't how I imagined things would happen for us."

The words, surprisingly had a calming effect on me. "Me either. But, I just did the best I could with what I was given."

There was really nothing else to say so I went back into the house. I dashed up the stairs into my room where Rosalie was currently packing my clothes. I noticed that my bed was empty.

"Where's Bree?" I asked.

"She is in Jasper and Alice's old room," Rosalie answered. "I tried talking to her, but she said she just wanted some quiet, so she went to the other room. Do you want any books for the trip?"

I frowned. I felt bad leaving Bree, but I knew she couldn't come with us, and honestly Carlisle and Esme would be best at helping her. I knew that, so I focused on the task at hand. I glanced at the shelves upon shelves of books. I hated to choose only a few books. I decided to go on instinct, grabbing a decent handful, trying to pick a variety. I took them over to the duffle bag that Rosalie had packed with clothes and toiletries, shoving the books in until the bag was packed to the brim. We struggled for a second, but were able to eventually zip the bag up.

I carried the bag downstairs and went to throw it in the jeep. I looked in the trunk and saw that there were three other bags in there as well. It looked like we were packed and ready to go. I went back into the house and saw everybody waiting in the foyer. I hated goodbyes.

I went forward giving Esme a tight hug. She stroked my hair briefly, whispering that she loved me and that I should have fun. I turned to Carlisle and gave him a hug as well. Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper followed me in saying goodbye to the family.

"You guys take care and call if you need anything. You have passports and enough money?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah," Jasper told him. "We will be in contact shortly, telling you where we end up."

"Good," Esme responded. "And send postcards. I want to hear about everything."

We nodded. We stood awkwardly for a second, not knowing what else to say.

"Well, I guess we should get on the road," Emmett spoke.

We said one last quick goodbye before heading out to the jeep. We climbed in, Emmett driving and Roslie in shotgun. Jasper and I sat in the back seat. I scooted closer to him as Emmett started up the vehicle and headed down the driveway. I glanced behind me one last time, seeing Esme and Carlisle standing on the porch waving at us. I waved back until we were out of sight.

Jasper put his arm around me, pulling me next to him. I leaned against his chest, looking up into his face. I was pleased to see his features were smooth, and he seemed to be exuding a sense of calm to everybody in the car. I snuggled closer, glancing to see Rosalie and Emmett were holding hands. We were all happy to take this step forward. I didn't know exactly where we were going or what the future held, but I was excited to find out.


End file.
